K2: Save Me From Myself Chapter 7
Damn him. Why won't he pick up his phone? What's going on? Did he talk to Stan? Have they gotten together? Goddammit, I need to know!
I leave Kyle a dozen voice mails, but he doesn't return my calls all day. His phone must be off. What the fuck is he doing? Are he and Stan...I'm not even gonna think about that. I can't deal with this uncertainty. I grab my coat and start walking to his house. Thankfully, it's late enough that Karen is asleep. No need to worry her. Or have her talk me out of this.
I arrive at his house. I make my way around to the side, where Kyle's window is. I begin climbing up to it. Kyle's bedroom is on the second floor, but I've always been an adept climber. I grab onto the ledge and push on the window. Thankfully, it isn't locked. I climb through and collapse in a heap on Kyle's floor. I look around.
Kyle is in bed, sleeping soundly. I approach his sleeping form. His breathing is even, his face neutral. He doesn't LOOK like he's been fucked recently, but hey, who knows. I ponder over whether I should wake him or not. Finally I feel awkward enough sitting in his room, the silence filling my ears, that I have no choice but to begin shaking him awake. He stirs and blinks at me.
"Kenny...?" he mumbles groggily, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "What the fuck are you doing here? What's going on?" I don't reply for a while, merely studying his face. He begins fidgeting. "Why are you staring at me...?" I lean forward and kiss him. He gives in at first, but then he pulls away. "What the hell dude?! Why won't you talk to me?" I glare at him.
"So what, now Stan comes back and suddenly I'm nothing again? Is that how this works?" I bark at him, my harshness an alien feeling for the both of us. He appears bewildered by my statements. I tap my foot, waiting for a response. Kyle sighs.
"It's not like that. I just..." He trails off. I scoff and roll my eyes.
"Whatever Kyle. Don't think I don't know what this is about. And now that your 'true love' has returned, I'm back to being the shit on the bottom of your shoes. You just used me and now I don't mean anything. Well, I hope you enjoyed it." I turn and head toward the window. Kyle grabs my arm to stop me, but I pull away.
"Kenny, wait!" He stands and grabs me, hugging me from behind. My breath catches in my throat, holding in a gasp of surprise and sadness. I'm powerless to resist him. "Please don't be mad. I'm sorry. It's not what you think. I...I'm just trying to do the right thing here. And...I don't think that what we're doing is healthy, for either of us. So I'm ending it." His words slice into me, deeper than any blade, and I can practically feel my heart being ripped to shreds. I shove him away from me.
"No! I'm done with this! I'm done putting up with your shit and not saying what I really want to! I love you, Kyle! I've loved you for...fuck, I don't even know how long. That's why I'm so fucked up now, that's why everything has gone to shit: because I can't deal with these unrequited feelings. But now I'm laying it all out there. So tell me, here and now, do you love me or not?"
He looks stricken. His green eyes shine with so many emotions, I can't even identify all of them. He averts his eyes and looks at the ground. He is thinking. I stand there, fists clenched, anger radiating off of me. His shoulders sink and his eyes are downcast. They begin to fill with tears.
Finally he speaks, his voice cutting through the air, sounding out of place in this quiet space we had created in those few moments of silence. "No. I don't love you. I'm sorry." I turn away from him.
"Fine." I stumble toward the window, tears blurring my vision. He calls out to me, but I pay him no attention. I jump out the window. He screams. I don't even feel the fall or the landing. All I can feel is the great empty vortex in my chest where my heart once was.
I make my way to a bar I used to frequent during my heavy drinking days. I smile when I pull my fake I.D. out of my wallet. I had "forgotten" to get rid of it. I grab a chair by the bar and start pounding them back, fast. I want to drown him in booze, so that I might never recall his face again. Those piercing green eyes, those soft, red curls...I take another swig of the sauce.
I don't know how long I've been here, but soon enough it's last call. Kyle is completely obliterated from my mind. All I can think of is the song that was playing in the bar, "Dammit" by Blink 182. It seems fitting to me, and it makes me smile.
"Aaaaaand ish happened onsh again. I'll turn toa frand. Someone that undershandsssss," I sing, laughing my ass off at the words that don't make any sense to me at the moment. I somehow manage to stumble home. I wake Karen because I can't figure out how to open the door. I laugh as I try to explain it to her.
"Kenny...why are you doing this again...you said you'd changed..." she asks, tears visible in her eyes. I just laugh and try to hug her. She steps back from me. "...I can't even look at you..." She turns and runs into her room, slamming the door shut. I giggle as I stumble to my room. I don't know why Karen's reaction is so funny to me, but I can't stop laughing. I collapse on my bed, exhausted from the laughter. I pass out within moments.
I wake to the pleasant feeling of a white hot poker being jabbed between my eyes. I massage my temples and slowly get out of bed, avoiding the light as best I can. Fucking hangovers. I grab some Ibuprofen and swallow it down. I look around. Karen is nowhere to be seen. Then I remember last night. Shit. I go to her room, but she's not there. However, her stuff is. I sigh with relief. I check the calendar. It's Tuesday. Karen is at school. I wonder how pissed she is about last night. I can't even remember what set off my need for a drink. What happened yesterday...?
Then it comes back. Everything I'd been trying to forget about last night. It all comes back, a great flood of emotions and images, filling my head with sorrow. I hold onto my skull and fall to my knees. I vomit on the floor. Kyle...it's over...
I go to my room and just lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. Tears soon dampen my pillow. I can't even sleep. I have to see Karen...I have to apologize... My phone starts ringing. The sound is like a knife through my pounding skull. I check to see who it is causing me all this pain. It's Kyle. I throw the phone across the room. I can't take this. I can't be awake for this. I go to the cabinet and grab some sleeping pills, take a few, and lay down once more, ignoring the phone's feeble ringing. The heavy weight of drugs soon pulls my eyelids shut.
I wake up a few hours later. Karen should be getting home soon. I wait impatiently by the door, pacing circles around the entire room. Finally I see her walking down the street. I open the door and run out to her. She sees me and stops. I run up to her and envelop her in a hug.
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." She doesn't react. I find myself crying again. "I...I messed up...This thing happened with Kyle and I couldn't deal with it so...I'm just really sorry. It won't happen again." She pulls away from me.
"You've said that already. All I've learned is your word doesn't mean a lot. Just...just leave me alone." She tries to pass me, but I grab her arm. She looks up at me.
"I'll prove it to you. Please. Give me another chance." I take my I.D. out of my pocket and rip it up. I toss the pieces to the wind. "I promise; it won't ever happen again. I don't care how bad things get; I'm not going down into that abyss EVER again." She looks at me with pained eyes.
"I..." She sighs and shrugs her shoulders lightly, almost in defeat. "...okay..." I smile and pull her close. She wraps her arms around me. I guess I never knew how much this must be for her to deal with.
"You won't regret it."
Dinner in the McCormick household is interrupted by a pounding on the door. I look at Karen. She shrugs. I get up to answer it. There, standing in the doorway and looking rather annoyed, is Kyle. I feel my heart rise up into my throat, but whether from pain or pleasure at seeing him, I cannot tell. I don't know if I can deal with this right now...
"Why haven't you been picking up your phone? What's going on? I was worried!" he says, crossing his arms over his chest. I glare at him.
"Seriously? Dude, I figured the ignored phone calls sent a clear enough message. Besides, you don't get to rip someone's heart out and then call and act worried the next day; that's not how it works." Usually I'm not like this. If I'm ever mad I always hold it in or soften the blows. Not today.
"Kenny...I didn't mean t-"
"Look Kyle, I really don't give a damn what you did or didn't mean to do. What happened happened. Now it's done. And I'd really prefer it if you would leave me the fuck alone." Every fiber of me screams to tell him that that's not so, that I never want him to leave. But I keep my mouth tightly shut. It's better this way.
"...Okay...Are..." His eyes fill with tears. "Are we still friends?" I sigh. With that one sentence, all the anger is knocked out of me, only to be replaced with a heavy sense of guilt.
"I really don't know. Please just go." His tears spill over onto his cheeks. I want nothing more than to hold him, brush away those tears, and tell him everything will be all right. He blinks them away, nods, and gets into his car, driving away. I watch until I can't see him anymore. Then I close the door on the love that will never mean a thing.