K2: Save Me From Myself Chapter 9
I become a zombie, going through the motions of my daily life, not thinking of anything. I'm too heart sick to even feel. I've become numb. This is a more complete numbness than anything I've ever felt before. Karen is worried about me, but I can't acknowledge it. I have nothing to say in response to her questions. Soon she gives up and gives me some space. Some part of me appreciates it, but at the surface I can't feel anything.
My phone rings constantly. My work, calling to inquire about me. Friends, checking to see if I'm okay. But no one stops by. No one cares enough to come by and actually check on me. No one actually gives a damn about Kenny's poor ass. Until someone finally did.
"Butters?" I say as I answer the door. My voice is cracked and hoarse. His name is the first word I've said in several days.
"H-hey Kenny. Can I c-come in?" His stuttering is awful. I step back for him to enter, and I shut the door behind him. "Why haven't you been answering your phone?" I sigh.
"I'd really rather be alone right now." I look at him. His tender skin, so pale, like Kyle's. Delicate. The shape of his mouth, his jawline. But when I look at his eyes I see their bright blue depths, and I am reminded that he is not Kyle. He smiles sadly at me.
"Well, we're all really worried about you. Are you sure you're okay? You don't want me to stay?" I'm so tempted. I haven't had sex since Kyle, and his resemblance is so striking. So intoxicating.
"Yes Butters. I'm sure." I can't. I can't do anything to him. He's...Butters. I can't corrupt something so pure and innocent. I'd never be able to live with myself.
"O-okay then. I'll see you later Kenny." He seems disappointed. He hangs his head as he heads toward the door. He turns to look at me one last time. "Are you sure?"
I go to him, grab him, and kiss him fervently. Run my fingers through his hair. He is kissing me back, pulling my shirt off of me. I rip his clothes away from his body. I am on top of him, grinding our hips together. He gasps and moans and calls my name. I call out his name as well. "KYLE!"
I blink my eyes and the scene vanishes. I sigh dispiritedly. Butters is looking at me, concern etched into every line of his face. "Kenny...?"
"Please, Butters. I need to be by myself right now, okay? I'll be fine. Promise." He smiles slightly. I can tell he doesn't believe me.
"All right Kenny." He leaves, through the same door Kyle had walked out of. Kyle...
I don't know how long it's been since I've seen him. I miss him so much. But I can't see him; it would be too painful. I go and lay down. Before I know it I'm dreaming.
He is on top of me, biting and licking, trailing kisses down my chest. My back arches toward him. He pulls my pants off and then his own. We are grinding against each other in nothing but our boxers. I flip over on top of him. I enter into him. He gasps and his face contorts in pain until I find his sweet spot. I can always find it. I thrust into him and he moans. I thrust several times. Finally I climax, the hot liquid spreading throughout Kyle. But we aren't done.
My head bobs between his legs. He twists and writhes, gasping in shaky breaths. I swirl my tongue around the tip before taking all of him in. His hands are tangled in my hair. He's cooing my name.
"Kenny...Kenny...I'm gonna-" before he can continue, I jolt out of the dream. I look around, trying to find Kyle, but I am alone. I sigh and start to roll over. That's when I notice that I feel wet. Damn.
I clean myself in the bathroom and change, hurrying so Karen doesn't catch sight of me. I wash all the dirtied laundry in the bathtub. My hands turn red from the heat. When I'm done I take the laundry outside to dry, make my way back to my room, and plop down on my bed. I don't know how I'm going to survive this if I can't even escape thoughts of him in my sleep. What can I do? I feel my eyes prick with tears. I can't get over him, I can't forget him, and I can't ignore him. I couldn't even off myself if I wanted to 'cause I would just come back. I'm trapped here, in this body, in this town, forever. Always surrounded by Kyle.
The doorbell rings. I sigh and roll off my bed. I told Butters to leave me alone, dammit. The doorbell rings repeatedly. What's he got to be so impatient about? I open the door, but it's not Butters. I stand there, not quite believing what I'm seeing.
"Wendy?" I ask. She stands in the doorway, shoulders sunk, tears streaming down her face. She comes in without being invited and hugs me. I'm completely at a loss for words.
"Kenny...Stan dumped me..." she murmurs, burying her face in my chest. Soon she breaks into hysterical sobs. "I don't know what to do!"
"Okay...well...if you don't mind my asking, why did you come to ME about this?" She sniffs and looks up at me, hurt clearly evident on her face.
"I didn't have anyone else to turn to! Bebe's mad at me and all our friends are taking her side, Kyle's too busy comforting Stan, and-" I didn't hear a word beyond that. Kyle's with Stan. So that's it. It's over. There is no hope for anything now.
I listen to Wendy blather on for what feels like five hours. After she's finished venting she hugs me and says goodbye. I'm a bit surprised. I hardly even had to say a word.
More time passes. The hurt doesn't ease any. I contemplate trying to end it all several times, but I never work up the nerve. Even though I know I'll come back and no one will remember anything, I don't want to hurt Karen like that, not even if it's for a moment. She's become increasingly worried about me, but I have no idea how to ease her burden. Mostly 'cause I don't know how to pretend to be okay when this hurts so much.
Kyle must be with Stan...What other explanation is there? That's what he's always wanted after all. I suppose I should be happy. But I guess I'm too selfish for that.
I lay in bed at 3 in the morning, thinking of everything. I've cried so much that I can't even shed one tear now. Suddenly there's a sound outside my window that makes me jump. I get up and cautiously inch toward the window, a bat in my hand. More movement. I raise the bat, ready to defend myself. A face pops in front of the glass, blushing heavily.
"...Kyle?!" He knocks lightly on the window, smiling sheepishly at me. I stare at him for a long time. There's no way...I must be dreaming again. All the same, I go and unlatch the window. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"I...umm...I want to talk. Can you help me through...?" He tries to squeeze himself through the window, but can't push off hard enough to propel himself inside.
I sigh and grab his arms, pulling him through. We fall in a heap on the floor. We're all tangled together. He looks at me and smiles again. I pull away from him.
"What do you want?" I ask coldly. He looks so stung by my words; I wish I could retract them, suck them from the airwaves and keep them forever, so that they may never reach his ears.
"I...I...Well, okay, I'll start from the beginning. Stan told me he had to see me so we met at Stark's Pond. He told me that he and Wendy broke up 'cause she'd cheated on him. Once I consoled him he...umm...he kissed me...but...I didn't like it...It didn't feel right. It didn't feel like...the way you kiss me. I had to force him off of me and then I went home to think. And...I realized something." I wait for him to continue.
"Well? What did you realize?" He smiles at me. He gets up off the floor and stands close to me. His smile is radiant, warmer and brighter than the sun. He leans forward and kisses me. Not the most intense of our kisses, but something feels different as my eyes involuntarilly slide shut at the warmth in my mouth.
"I realized that I love you Kenny," he says once he pulls away. I stare at him for a long time. That same smile remains in place. I burst out laughing.
"Seriously? NOW you love me? What the fuck dude, why are you saying this shit? You don't love me." His eyebrows knit together and he pouts slightly.
"I do too. Look...I was...I was in a really bad place before. You know that. And...I was clinging to the idea of Stan. If he could come back, and love me, things would be okay. But he was different and things weren't okay. And I haven't been able to get you out of my head for days."
"Please. I'm just your substitute for Stan. You don't really give a rat's ass about me Kyle, you never have." His eyes gleam with tears. They sting my heart, but my head is too angry to stop.
"That's not true."
"Bullshit. That's how things have always been, and it's how they always will be. I'm ju-"
"WILL YOU SHUT UP?!" he screams, stunning me into silence. "I know what I did was wrong, okay? It was selfish and wrong and disgusting. I didn't think that it meant anything to me because I was so busy thinking about Stan and how I wanted things to be like they used to be. But they can't be. Things change and...there's nothing you can do to stop it.
"But come on, do you really think that I could ever have sex with someone and it didn't mean ANYTHING to me?" I think about that for a moment. Kyle cares about everything, and his morals have always been strong. He's not the emotionless type at all. "I...I was scared...and in denial...but I see it now. I was just afraid of my feelings, because I couldn't control them. Anything I didn't have control over I hid from, you know that. So I tried to make it meaningless. But I couldn't. Every time that we...had sex...it was special. I'd never felt like that before. I thought that was just because I'd never had sex but...I don't think that's it. It's much deeper than that. It's...it's love, Kenny."
I turn away from him. Not in anger or anything. I just need to think without the sight of him clouding my judgement. What he's saying does make sense. Now that I think of it, I did notice that odd look in his eyes after every time. I could never identify that foreign emotion. So I put it out of my mind, because I didn't want to think about what it could mean. And even if what he's saying now isn't true...it's Kyle. How can I possibly refuse him?
"...Can you prove to me that I'm not dreaming?" He smiles mischievously and bites my cheek. I wince at the unexpected pain. Then he kisses it, before placing his lips against my own once more. I kiss back passionately.
"Is this enough...proof for you?" he whispers into my mouth. I push him against the wall and start undressing him, like I've done countless times in dreams/fantasies. But this isn't as hurried as before. We can revel in the beauty of lingering touches, slow movements. He's kissing everywhere he can reach, furthering this by undressing me. He pulls me onto the floor on top of him. We make love, truly make love, for the first time.
We lay on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. He cuddles close to me, nuzzling my neck. I kiss the top of his head. He climbs on top of me, smiling at me and kissing me lightly. I kiss back sweetly.
"I love you," he coos. He lays his head on my chest and begins to fall asleep. I snort and rub his back. He moans a little and begins humming contentedly.
"I love you too," I whisper as his eyes finally shut and he begins snoring lightly. I'm so happy I want to cry or scream or...I don't even know what. I finally have him with me.