Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

NOTE – This story is completely AU. Derek and Meredith are best friends at Seattle Grace hospital. Meredith goes missing after a bad car accident. Please read this and give it a chance.

Derek's Point of View

If I had a dollar for every time I had someone tell me to 'move on', 'to let it go', then I would probably have double my annual salary; which would be a lot considering I earn two million dollars a year as Seattle Grace's Chief of Neurosurgery. Nobody understands how I feel or what I am thinking but they seem to think they do. But how could they? The only person who has never shown concern for what I am doing or the way I am behaving is my mum. She seems to be the only one who truly gets it. She misses her just as much as me because she considered…considers her as one of her own. And just like me, she was unbelievably confused as to why she left. It's something that has made no sense to us.

"Derek?" a voice startles me. I look up from my desk to see Rachel, standing in the doorway to my office looking rather pissed off.

Crap!

I was supposed to have met her at some cake tasting place this morning. Why she needed me there, I'll never know. She knows I want fruit cake with vanilla frosting. How many varieties could there be? Mind you, if Meredith is going to be at our wedding, it would have to be double chocolate. She has always had a sweet tooth.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asks me, anger blazing from every bone in her body.

Yep, she is definitely pissed at me.

"I'm sorry," I tell her, trying my best to at least sound guilty. The truth is I don't feel guilty in the slightest. How the hell am I supposed to plan a wedding when my best friend is missing? She has to be here for the big day because she is supposed to be my best man.

"Where the hell were you?" Rachel yells, coming to stand in front of my desk clearly intent on getting an answer out of me.

"I was here saving lives Rachel. It's my job, remember," I answer, knowing how bitter I sound.

"I have a job too Derek," she argues back, "and yet I still make time for us to plan our wedding. You know the ceremony that's taking place in two months' time! Valentine's day!"

"I remember," I whisper, unable to make eye contact with her. "But…"

"Look sweetie," she whispers, in that patronising voice that makes me wince inwardly, as she comes round my desk and pushes herself onto my lap, forcing me to make eye contact with her. "I know you've been under a lot of stress lately and well, Christmas was hard but now it's time to focus on our wedding, the happiest day of our lives…"

The happiest day of my life will be when I find Meredith safe and sound.

"…Can you think of anything more important to focus on?" She asks me, staring me down.

I know the answer to that question, without a shadow of a doubt but I can't give her the honest answer because I owed so much to the woman sitting on my lap. She was the one who helped me through my recovery and held my hand when I discovered Meredith was gone. I have to lie for her sake.

"No, I honestly can't," I smile at her, feeling sick to my stomach.

I watch relief wash over her face and feel envy that I can't share that feeling with her. There's only one thing that will give me relief right now which is one of the many reasons I am so determined to find her.

Suddenly I feel Rachel's lips are on mine demanding entry into my mouth.

"Hmm," she moaned, pulling away eventually. "How about you take me for lunch to make it up to me?"

"Uh, I can't," I answer, suddenly realising that an argument is coming when she realises why.

She must be able to tell by my face exactly where I am going and she suddenly stiffens and looks through me with anger.

"Again Derek!" she snaps at me, standing up to pace my office as I groan loudly wanting to skip this part. "You're going to see him again? When are you going to accept that she's gone Derek? I am about to become your wife and I have been here for you! She was nothing but…"

"Nothing but a what?" I ask in anger, daring her to finish the sentence. She wouldn't dare…

"She was nothing but a coward!" She spat.

…or so I thought.

"She was…"

"She was a coward Derek," she repeats, sounding much calmer this time but she is still looking at me with an angry and hurtful expression. "I was there. I've been here. She was the one who left, leaving nothing but a letter. She left without a second glance and left me to pick up the pieces. Derek, it has been a year and you've come such a long way but you need to let her go," she pleads, coming over to take my hand in hers. "I am begging you Derek. As the woman who held your hand through such a hard year, I am asking you to please let her go."

I can't. How am I supposed to let my best friend go? She has been there for me through everything. Well, apart from the accident.

"But…"

"Derek," she sighs. "Did you ever think there's a reason you haven't found her?"

I feel a shiver travel down my spine.

"Of course I've considered the possibility that she's hurt…"

"No, Derek," she whispers, pulling me in for a hug. "She hasn't been found because she doesn't want to be found."

No. No. No, that cannot be right. Why would Meredith never want to be found?

"Derek," she continues. "You have to let it go. You have to let her go."

I turn and look at her intently and realise that she is serious. She is actually serious.

"But Rachel, she is my best friend," I plead, desperate for her to understand.

"Was, sweetheart," she says, trying to sound gentle but failing miserably because her words hit home. "She was your best friend."

"Rachel," I warn, feeling anger rise inside me.

"It's true Derek. I know it sounds harsh but it's true," she continues to push. "If the shoe was on the other foot, would you have walked away from her after the accident?"

"Of course not," I answer, not even giving it a second thought.

Shit!

I suddenly realise Rachel was right. Nothing would have made me walk away from Meredith when she was injured. Not when she would have needed me the most. But that was the problem because something inside me is telling me that she needs me right now, wherever she may be.

"I know you're in pain sweetheart and it's horrible to think that she won't be in our lives anymore but in order for the pain to stop, you have to let her go," she continues, still holding me close.

I hesitate. Does she even realise what she is asking of me? How can I possibly do what she is asking? Meredith is such a huge part of my life and I find it so hard to believe that I've had to manage through an entire year without her. I need her and I know wherever she is in the world, she needs me. I just have to find her but I clearly can't tell Rachel that.

"Promise me Derek," she pleads, pulling away from me. "Promise me that you'll let her go?"

What can I do? Rachel was there when Meredith wasn't but Meredith was…is Meredith.

"Okay," I sigh, feeling sick that I've just lied. Why should I lie about it? And why would Rachel ask this of me? I know Rachel and Meredith never got along but I never thought she'd ask this of me.

"Good," she smiles. "This is for your own good."

I smile trying to hold back the sickness I feel at the back of my throat.

When I first met Mr Alford, he offered me nothing but hope. Now, nine months later, I'm still paying the man but he's given me nothing apart from the fact that Meredith hasn't left America and my hope is finally dwindling into nothing, yet I still can't let her go.

Sitting across from the young man who has a reputation of being the best private investigator in Seattle, I feel sick because he's just told me that he doesn't think there is any hope.

"This is what I'm paying you for!" I snap at him, losing control of my anger.

"Dr Shepherd…"

"Are you seriously telling me that we have no hope in finding her?" I ask, feeling my hands shaking with anguish.

"There is always hope Dr Shepherd," Mr Alford whispers. However, he doesn't look or sound as if he believes what he's saying. "But in this case…"

"I have most of my family telling me to give up! Hell, I even have my own fiancée telling me to give up! You're not seriously about to tell me the same, are you?"

Did I just use the word 'seriously'? Meredith is obsessed with the word.

"Dr Shepherd, it's in my experience that people who aren't found, don't want to be found," he explains.

That stung!

I wasn't prepared to be told that twice in one day.

"Well, how would you know, if these people are never found?" I ask, trying my best to keep my anger at bay because I needed this man to find her- no matter what the cost.

"Look," I try again, finally feeling a little calmer. "Just find her. I don't care what the cost, just find her."

"Dr Shepherd…"

"Just-Find-Her," I speak slowly, emphasising every word and by the look on his face, I can tell that he finally gets it.

"Okay," he nods. "I'll be in touch."

"Thank you," I nod, getting up and leaving his office.

Okay, I am breaking my promise to Rachel but who says she needs to know? Besides, I wasn't the only one who wanted her found and it would break my mom's heart if we give up now.

Meredith has to be found. She just has to.

What possible reason could she have for not wanting to be found?

And with that thought, I am violently sick in Mr Alford's reception area.

I can't wait to get back into the O.R and forget about my humiliating moment. If Meredith was here then she would know what to say to me. In fact, she'd probably laugh and tell me to snap out of it and to stop feeling sorry for myself. I can feel my cheeks rise slightly as a small smile spread across my face but as quick as I feel it, it is gone because she's not here to comfort me. She's not here at all.

"Derek!"

I turn to see Richard walking down the hospital corridor towards me.

Oh My God!

"Why the hell are you dressed like that?" I ask, unable to stop myself from snorting.

"I have a board meeting," he groans.

"So?" I laugh.

"According to Adele, purple is very becoming," he explains solemnly, clearly not pleased.

"I'd like to contest that," I laugh. Purple is very becoming on men over fifty?

"Derek, I am standing in the hallway where people are 'supposed' to respect me but can't just now because I look like a purple penguin. Any chance you can stop laughing?" He asks, looking mad.

It's very clear who wears the trousers in their marriage if Adele managed to convince him to wear that torturous suit.

"No," I chuckle honestly. "Sorry," I add, trying to sound sincere.

Derek suddenly looks at me with a serious expression and I know what he's about to ask and I suddenly stop laughing.

"Did you hear anything over the holidays?" He asks in a whisper, clearly not wanting anyone else to hear. What's the point in keeping it secret? Everybody knows.

Do you want to know what I hate most? Anytime, I'm asked the question that Richard's just asked, I lose my voice and do exactly what I'm doing now. I shake my head and look to the ground.

"I am so sorry Derek," He whispers solemnly. "I just wish there was something I could do."

"Thanks," I murmur, unsure of what else to say. At least I said something.

I should ask him.

I have to ask him.

"Richard, did she say anything when…when she handed in her resignation?" I ask, unable to stop the quiver in my voice.

I feel absolutely ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a neurosurgeon so I should be strong. I shouldn't be affected like this but this is how she affects me. This is how she always affects me because she always has been and always will be under my skin.

"Derek," Richard starts and then stopped to compose himself. It's easy for me to forget how much this affects Richard too. After all, he always has and always will, see Meredith as his daughter.

"She didn't hand in the resignation to me. She gave it to Jennings…"

Mr Jennings?

"Jennings? From the board?" I ask with surprise. "Why would she do that?"

"I don't know," he shrugs. "When I asked him what she said, he told me that she was clearly in a state but she was firm about the fact that it was the right thing to do and that she was sorry."

"The right thing to do," I repeat, wondering what she could have possibly meant by that.

"He said that she kept repeating that and the fact she was very sorry but she wasn't willing to discuss anything," Richard whispers sadly.

I stare at Richard and see how tired and upset he looks.

"I miss her," I confess out loud for the first time in a year. It feels so good to say it out loud. I can't talk to Mark, my sisters or Rachel because they are mad at her and I can't talk to my mom about her because she needs me to be strong. She misses her too.

"I know," he nods sadly. "I miss her too."

"Can you think of any reason why she would…"

"No Derek," he answers firmly. Maybe because I've asked him the same question since I found out she had left. "I honestly can't."

"Me neither," I agree. "This just doesn't make sense to me."

"I know," he nods, patting me on the back. "All we can do is live in the hope that she'll come back one day."

"Do you really believe that Richard?" I ask, not sure whether I want him to be honest or not.

Richard seems to contemplate my question for a moment. Is that a good or bad thing?

"Derek," the old man sighs. "The only thing that keeps me awake at night, worrying about Meredith is her frame of mind before the accident when…"

"Don't Richard," I interject. I can't bare thinking about it. "She was getting better. You know that and every surgeon goes through a breakdown of some description at one point or another."

"I know," he nods but doesn't actually look satisfied with my argument. "It's just…she's just…"

"She's your daughter," I finish for him. Richard isn't her biological father but he is the closest thing she has to a father, especially since her biological father abandoned her when she was eighteen.

"How about the private detective? Does he have any new leads?" Richard pushes, hope present in his voice.

Why do I have to be the one to dash it?

How could Meredith put us through this?

Why would she put us through this?

"No," I gulp. "I'm sorry Richard. There's been nothing."

"I just don't understand how a surgeon can fall off the radar," he whispers sadly.

I nod, understanding exactly what he means but unable to find my voice to say it.

"How was Christmas without her?" Richard blurts out.

That I wasn't expecting.

"Derek, I'm sorry," he whispers sounding regretful. "I can't believe I just…"

"It's ok Richard," I lie. "There's no denying that it was incredibly hard. Mom tried her best but as far as she's concerned, she's lost one of her own. And worst of all, she's lost her without any answers."

"I can sympathise," Richard murmurs quietly. I'm just not sure whether he meant me to hear that or not.

"As for my sisters and Rachel, well, I don't have to explain, do I?" I ask.

"They are still on your back to give up and let her go?" Richard guesses.

I nod in conformation.

"They're just worried about you and your mom Derek," Richard offers lamely.

"I know," I answer. "But right now, I need them to back off."

"Derek, have you tried seeing it from their point of view," Richard prods.

What the hell did he mean by that?

"How do you mean?" I ask hesitantly.

"Well, they love your mom, they love you and they love Meredith, in spite of the fact she's left. They can't think about the reason she left because all they see is the pain that you and your mom are in. That's all they see Derek which is why they behave the way they do. They're hurting just as much as your mom because you were all close but all they see is what you're going through," He explains, and surprisingly enough, I kind of understand what he is saying.

"I need them to understand," I whisper, hoping he'll understand.

"They do Derek. You're just so close that you can't see it," he smiles. "They love you Derek and they love Meredith but Meredith isn't here for them to protect and well…"

"Yeah?" I push, sensing his hesitancy.

"They need someone to blame when it comes to the pain that you and your mom are going through. As well as the pain your sisters are feeling. Unfortunately that person is Meredith," Richard whispers solemnly.

"And Rachel?" I ask in a whisper.

Richard looks stricken.

"Derek, I don't…"

"Please," I plead, hating how pathetic I must sound.

"I think all she wants is your attention. She wants to know that she's your number one priority…"

I feel sick again.

"…and you and I both know that isn't the case," he nods before looking at his watch. "I'm going to be late for my board meeting."

"Richard," I laugh. "If you want to be taken seriously, I suggest you go and get changed into your scrubs and tell them you got held up in the O.R."

I watch on as Richard looks down at himself and groans loudly.

"Richard?"

"Yeah?" He sighs.

"If Adele asked you to give up on finding Meredith, would you do it?" I ask pensively.

"No," he answers immediately. "But then Adele loves me Derek. She would never ask that of me. She would never ask me to choose."

I gulp, shocked by his honesty.

"And I can tell by the expression on your face that it wasn't the answer you wanted," he says, looking guilty. "Derek, I…"

"Thanks for your honesty Richard," I nod. "You're going to be late for your board meeting."

"Oh crap, I have to run," he nods. "I really am sorry Derek."

With that, he turns and heads down the hallway looking like an older version of Willy Wonka.

I only wish that Meredith was here to laugh at him with me.