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Writer's Note – Hope you all enjoy this update.
Cristina's Point of View
I can feel his eyes on me. I've felt them on me for the past ten minutes but I hoped he would go away. Obviously I was wrong because he is still standing further down the corridor, staring at me. We haven't spoken much in the past year. In fact for months, we would only speak if it involved a patient. People often told me that I was being harsh – including my own boyfriend but nobody understands. But that was over ten months ago. Now people leave me alone to get on with my work and don't talk her when I'm in the room. I know that sounds harsh considering I was her 'person' but I can't help how much she hurt me.
As for the man, currently still standing a few feet away from me, watching me…well, I kind of had a screaming match with him nine months ago and told him that I blamed him. And I do blame him. However, as much as I blame him, I blame myself more. We had such a stupid argument and never spoke to one another for a month before the accident which makes me look and feel horrible because I turned my back on her when she needed me the most. Something I now have to live with for the rest of my life.
I blame Derek.
I blame Meredith.
I blame Rachel.
And most importantly, I blame myself.
I can't talk to Derek. We've been avoiding each other for the past nine months and that's the way I liked it. Why should it change now? I have to make my escape.
"Cristina?" Derek said my name in a questioning voice from right behind me.
Crap!
What am I supposed to do now?
I could pretend I haven't heard him and walk away but then that would be obvious and something was telling me that he would just follow.
"Cristina!" he speaks more urgently, causing me to jump slightly. I still don't turn around to face him though.
"Have a heart for me to repair?" I ask, not even bothering to turn around and face him. I'm trying to sound relaxed as if I don't care what he has to tell me but I think it's safe to say that I couldn't even full Derek anymore.
"No," he answers instantly. "I need to…uh…"
Please go away Derek, I plead silently.
"If you're looking for Owen, he's in the pit," I inform him, hoping it will work.
"Actually, it's you I was looking for," He states simply.
Crap! My wishing didn't work.
I turn to face the man I loathed most in the world because every time I look at him, I see Meredith staring back at me.
Pull yourself together Cristina. I have to be strong. I have to be distant. I tell myself this every morning and every time I feel I'm slipping from the rules I set myself because if I don't have my 'person', the only other thing I have, apart from my husband, is the control. I need to be in control.
"Didn't you know it's rude to stare?" I snipe at him.
"Didn't you know it's rude to ignore people?" He snipes back.
Well, he has me there.
"You consider yourself 'people'?" I shoot back sarcastically.
He looks taken aback but it only lasts a second before he looks down to the ground and then back up at me with a guilty expression.
I know what's coming.
"No!" I shake my head and begin to storm down the hall with him at my tail.
"Cristina!" He shouts after me but his voice is incredibly close. I have to move faster if I want to get out of this conversation.
Crap!
Suddenly I feel him grab my elbow and spin me around to face him.
Asshole!
"What? What the hell do you want?" I ask, already sounding defensive.
"I need to talk to you about Meredith," he answers me firmly.
He wants to talk about Meredith now? I've went nine months without talking about her and he wasn't going to ruin it for me now.
"Absolutely not," I respond, showing there is no room for argument. I glare at him in the hope to scare him off.
"Cristina," he sighs. "I…uh…i…"
"How can I get out of this conversation?" I ask.
"By having it," he nods seriously, sounding like my superior.
"Don't," I shake my head. "Don't speak to me like you're my boss. You're not anymore. You haven't been for over a year Dr Shepherd."
Ok, I'm being petty but I can't help it. He's an ass.
An image of the day Meredith and I becoming attending's pops into my mind and I can feel myself smiling for the first time in a long time which makes me turn around and begin to walk away again but his voice stops me in my tracks.
"Rachel wants me to call off the search," he whispers just enough for me to hear him.
I spin back around again to look him straight in the eye and I realise he isn't kidding. He wasn't actually considering it? Was he?
Of course he was. When it comes to Little Miss Perfect, she always gets what she wants.
"Little Miss Princess wants you to call off the search and you're considering it?" I ask, already knowing what his answer is.
"Cristina," He warns. He hated when I mocked his fiancée but then he never hated it when Meredith did it. When the hell was he going to open his eyes and see what was staring him in the face?
"Derek?" I push.
"I just…I hate this more than you know. I know you blame me…"
I wince inwardly at his words. Hearing him say it out loud just does not sound right.
"…I know I'm the last person you want to talk to, especially about…"
"Her," I but in. I hate hearing her name because for some reason, it makes her absence feel all the more real.
Derek looks stricken.
"Meredith!" He snaps. "Her name is Meredith. Go on, Cristina! Say it. Say her name Cristina!"
"What do you want from me Derek?" I shout, before I turn and realise that there are people staring at us.
"I want you to tell me I'm not crazy for trying to find her?" He pleads at me with anger still blaring from his eyes.
"What if she doesn't want to be found?" I think, without realising that I've spoken aloud, until I see the hurt in Derek's eyes.
"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" He asks, threading his fingers through his hair which Meredith always warned me was a sign of him being stressed out and that I should always tread carefully when he does that.
I have to stop doing this. I have to stop associating everything I see, say or do with Meredith. I'm slowly being drive insane. What use is that advice anyway? The person who gave me it is gone…for good.
"Maybe because it's the truth," I retaliate, ignoring the voice in my head that sounds like Meredith, telling me to back off and be supportive.
"So you think I should call off the search?" He asks, looking stunned.
Of course not . For a brain surgeon, he's not that smart.
"I did not say that," I shake my head.
Crap! I really know how to put my foot in it.
"Thanks Cristina," he whispers, clearly hurt by my shrug of an answer. "Crazy me for thinking you and I could actually come together and help find her! Crazy me for actually thinking you care about what's happening to her!"
Ouch!
Suddenly, Derek has spun around and he's the one walking away from me.
Why do I now feel so alone?
Derek's Point of View
I need to calm down.
I need to calm down.
I kept telling myself this over and over in the O.R this afternoon but it wasn't helping. If anything, I was only getting angrier. I went to Cristina feeling nervous and fearful as to what she may tell me once I tried to break her shell but I never expected to walk away from her feeling overwhelmingly livid.
Am I being unreasonable?
Meredith and Cristina were best friends. They had been since they started their internship at Seattle Grace six years ago. A couple of days after their internship, I transferred here from New York after finding my wife in bed with my best friend. I was only a fourth year resident then not long away from going into my final year and becoming chief resident.
When I moved to Seattle, I was alone, depressed, angry and basically, not myself. Meredith brought me out of my shell and helped me deal with my issues. She even helped me resolve things with Mark when he moved out here two years later. She understood mark in a way I never could. I never understood how she did it, how she got people through the hard times in life, because she had such a difficult upbringing but she helped everybody through the dark stuff. I always had this theory it was because she had seen worse. She had survived worse so she knew how to help everybody through.
The one department I was able to help Meredith with was family. She had never really had one here and she quickly developed a dysfunctional one here, at Seattle Grace as well as my own family who adopted her as one of her own. The first time I ever seen Meredith Grey cry was when my mum had told her that she could call her mum.
As for Cristina, well, we didn't exactly see eye to eye at first. Truth be told, it took me a long time to understand how Meredith could possibly choose Yang as her 'person'. But eventually, I opened my eyes and scene what the two of them shared. As I got to know Meredith, I always worried that Yang would end up hurting her but one thing you could never say about Yang was that she wasn't loyal, which is exactly what her and Meredith have in common. Most people like to believe they are loyal and nine times out of ten they are but most people forget what is important in their life and allow loyalty to slip. Not Meredith. People would kill for her sense of loyalty. If Cristina killed someone, she would know to call on Meredith to drag the body to a ditch somewhere and Meredith would do it. No questions asked.
Slam!
This is just perfect – not!
"Who the hell do you think you are? You know I can't talk about her!" Cristina screams, as she slams my office door shut. The anger is literally blazing from her eyes as she stares me down. "You have no idea how hard it is for me!"
She did not just say that to me. I have to be hearing things. Why did she have to be so insensitive?
"Are you fucking kidding me?" I snap, standing from my desk.
Did I just swear? I never swear.
"I'm doing everything I can to find her! Whereas you…"
"I what, Derek? I what?" She pushes, clearly wanting an argument.
I've had enough of this. I've had enough of her attitude.
"You act as if you can't be bothered. As if she didn't even exist!" I snap.
Slap!
I can feel my cheek burn and my insides heat with anger. I try and rub my cheek to calm the sting before I look up and see the tears in Cristina's eyes.
Shit.
"What are you saying? That I don't care?" She screams at me.
"Cristina," I sigh. What do I tell her? "It's just…"
"You know I think you've got some nerve, saying that to me. I don't care?" she screeches as tears run down her face. "This is so typical of you! She was my best friend and she just vanished into thin air, leaving nothing behind but a pathetic little note and a lot of heartache!"
"When she left and we pulled in the police, you told them they should look for her body!" I scream, not caring if anyone can hear us.
Cristina looks stung for a second and it gives me a chance to compose myself.
"I still do," she whispers so quietly, I almost can't hear her.
"Still what?" I push, leaning against the front of my desk to support my now wavering body.
"Think we're looking for a body," she whispers, looking at the ground.
No!
"No!" I shout. The idea that Meredith is dead is preposterous.
"Yes!" she screams back, her face red from the anger and the hurt.
"No!" I wasn't going to allow her to think it, whether she wanted to or not.
No Fucking way!
"You know what her frame of mind was like after that child died in her O.R Derek," Cristina started, pacing my office floor as I remain glued to the front edge of my desk. "She wasn't the same and then the two of you got into the accident only a month later. She was bound to feel…"
"Feel what Cristina? Feel what? How would you know what she felt? You weren't their! You were too busy with your marriage and surgery to care that your best friend was going through hell! Your best friend needed you and you turned your back!" I shout. I know I'm being harsh but I need Cristina to wake up and help me find Meredith. She's the only person who can really help me.
"Don't hold back asshole," she mutters. "And you have a cheek to talk!"
"What the hell do you mean by that?"
"Rachel!" she retorts.
"Don't you…"
"If you are so convinced that Meredith is alive and in trouble then that should be enough for you to continue looking for her! Why the hell do you need my opinion? Why are you allowing Rachel to dictate to you whether you should find her or not?"
"You have no idea what you are talking about," I reply, the words sounding flat because I know in my heart…she's right.
"Oh, don't i?" she retorts sarcastically. "Your mother moved here after the accident to help with your recovery and to help find Meredith. Right?"
I nod, speechless. This is the longest Cristina has spoken to me in months, even when it comes to our patients.
"How many times has Rachel asked you to ask or even tell her to move out?"
The number twelve pops into my head automatically.
"Cristina," I sigh.
"How many Derek?" she pushes with a sigh, sitting on the couch at the side of the room.
"Twelve," I mutter in a whisper. What the hell did this have to do with anything?
"And how many times have you shrugged it off?" She asks bluntly. But then, this is Cristina Yang. She only knows being blunt.
"This isn't…"
"How many times Derek?"
"We've argued about it a few times and the rest of the time, she picks a time to talk about it when I'm exhausted so I don't have the energy to argue and that's when i shrug it off," I explain quietly, feeling incredibly guilty about the topic of conversation.
"My mum's not moving out Cristina," I add. "I wouldn't do that to her. She believes that Meredith is alive as much as I do."
I finally look up to see that Cristina is no longer sitting on the couch. She's standing right in front of me, staring at me intently.
"Why the hell do you think I'm unable to talk about her Derek? I know what I did and I have to live with that for the rest of my life…"
"Cristina…" I try and interrupt but she holds up her hand, not allowing it for a second.
"…I know what did Derek and there isn't a moment that goes by that I don't regret it. Do I think that in her frame of mind, she could have..."
"Please don't," I plead. This was a thought that often creeps into my mind and I had to spend a lot of energy getting it out my mind.
"Possibly," she continues. "But you are the one who believes that's she's out there and that you can find her so why are you allowing some woman to tell you differently? Why are you allowing her to tell you what to do?"
"Rachel isn't just some woman Cristina," I argue. "And we have to understand this from her point of view…"
"Oh, I understand alright," she interrupts. "Little Miss Princess isn't centre of attention so she tries her best to manipulate the situation to her advantage!"
"Cristina…"
Think Derek. She's insulting your future wife. You're supposed to defend her. But then how come I can't get the words out?
"Derek, did you ever think that if she was the true love of your life, she wouldn't allow you to give up on the one person who matters most to you in the world?"
Why can't I think of an answer?
Why the hell won't an answer come to me?
"Owen does everything he can to look for Meredith in his spare time, because he knows I can't. A year later and he still takes days off to drive around Seattle in the hope of finally finding her for me, even though he knows what I believe. Do you know why?" She asks Derek but answers before he has a chance to even answer. "He does it because he knows I want nothing more than to be proved wrong in this one circumstance," she explains softly. "Derek, whether you choose to believe it or not, that girl is manipulating you and if she really loved you, she would never ask you to give up on Meredith."
She's right. She's actually right.
"I owe her," I whisper as Cristina moves to the door.
"You owe her nothing Derek," she whispers. "That woman only does something when she can get something out of it."
"She supported me through the accident Cristina," I retort.
"No, she didn't Derek," she smiles sadly. "Your mum did. Sure Rachel was there but she didn't help you in the way your mum and your sisters did."
"But…"
I go to defend Rachel again but no words are coming out my mouth. Why?
"Do you honestly believe she's alive?" Cristina asks quietly, gripping tightly onto the door handle.
"I do," I respond immediately.
"Ok then," she nods with a small smile.
"Ok?" I ask. What the hell did she mean?
"We will do it your way," she smiles sadly. "We'll work together to try and find her but if our own trail leads to nothing Derek then I'm giving up. I have to move on for my sake and Owen's."
"Ok," I nod, feeling a strange and small sense of relief.
"Ok, I…uh…better get back," she whispers, opening my office door.
"Cristina?" I whisper.
"Yeah?" She turns to me and I can still see the tears in her eyes that she is doing everything she can to hold back.
"Thank you," I say, feeling myself smile.
"I'm not doing it for you," she responds honestly. "I'm doing it for her."
And with that, she was gone from my office.
I smile sadly because I don't think I've ever been so proud of Cristina. And if Meredith was here, she would be proud of her too.
In the past year, I had never felt an ounce of relief until now but I have to remember that the fight…it's only just begun.