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Author's Note - You all get a big insight in this update so it is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT that you read the paragraphs at the beginning of this update…
Carolyn's Point of View
I need air. Normally, I love doing this type of thing and hosting a small party like this always put a smile on my face but I just cannot enjoy it today. My son is going through so much right now and I am trying to be happy for him but no matter how hard I try, Rachel makes it a million times harder for me. Although, this isn't something I would ever admit to any of my family – especially my son.
I should be happy right now because all my girls have flown in for the weekend to help plan the wedding of my one and only son. But every time I even try to contemplate wedding plans, I always end up thinking about what Meredith would like and what Meredith would want. Even Derek has been doing it a lot but I'm unsure whether he realises how much he's doing it. Anytime Rachel mentions an element of the wedding plans to Derek, he automatically answers with what Meredith would want. I've lost count of the amount of times she's snapped back, saying it isn't Meredith's wedding, it's hers. And Derek, my son, just sits back and takes it. The only time he'll argue is when she mentions the guest list because he's convinced Meredith is going to be back in time for the wedding. I hope that she comes home every day but even if she was, I highly doubt she would ever attend Derek's wedding because the one thing my son has been guilty of for a long time is not seeing what has been right under his nose since he moved to Seattle – the love of his life.
Rachel was planning a big lavish wedding which, I know in my heart; Meredith would never want nor would Derek. Don't get me wrong, this is Rachel's day and she knows it, but it's also my son's big day. Rationally I know Rachel has a right to snap and yell because Derek is being unfair to her by stringing her along like this but then the problem is that he doesn't see what's right in front of him. He's marrying Rachel, now, as a sense of duty for the fact she stuck by him through the accident…when Meredith didn't.
I feel cold. That's something that has never made sense to me; it still doesn't. I know how much she loved my son. Correction - how much she is in love with him, which is why I can't think of a single reason as to why she would just disappear the way she did. All I know is, it had to be something bad because Derek and her were joined at the hip and there is no way that she would leave him in his time of need, unless absolutely necessary. No way.
Of course there had been an investigation by the police and they found CCTV footage of her leaving the car park of Seattle Grace, unharmed which led Derek to contacting the best private investigator in town. Of course, when it came to the police investigation, Cristina had told them what happened a month before the accident when Meredith lost a patient she was extremely close to and a kid no less. She was heartbroken and blamed herself. The fact that she hadn't long become an attending hadn't helped. I thought watching her blame herself for the child's death was incredibly hard to watch and no matter how much time Derek and I spent trying to convince her it wasn't her fault, she still didn't listen. Meredith ended up walking out of the hospital which resulted in a huge fight between her and Cristina. I know Cristina was only looking out for her and trying to push her into what was best but at the time, I was annoyed with her and I made sure she knew it.
Meredith was so heartbroken, she retreated into herself and to say we were all worried was an understatement. I had flown out with Kathleen the moment I had got the call from Derek to tell me she had lost the patient and was taking it incredibly hard. I have always been protective of that girl; I always will. Anyway, Meredith had got so angry at Derek for telling me and Kathleen about what happened and allowing us to fly out here to 'mother' her and 'shrink' her as she so angrily put it. She stopped talking to Derek at that point much to Rachel's delight and to my concern. Although, my worries were put at ease when Derek put his foot down when he phoned to tell me that he was on his way to Meredith's to tell her that if she wanted to be angry at him then fine but there was no way in hell he was going to allow her to be alone when she needed him.
Sigh.
"Mom?" Amelia's voice whispered, coming from Derek's kitchen doorway. I still can't call this place home even though I have been living here for over a year. It's not because Rachel makes me feel unwelcome but because Meredith is not here with me.
I plaster a smile on my face and turn to face my youngest child.
"Yes sweetheart?" I ask with a beaming, fake smile. "Can I get you anything?"
"You were thinking about her, weren't you?" Amelia asks, smiling sadly.
Meredith.
"Who?" I ask, even though I know fine well who she's talking about. I try and act as if I don't but she can see right through me.
"You know fine well who," she whispers, looking at me knowingly.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I murmur, turning to the kitchen unit and giving it a wipe down. I can feel Amelia walk up behind me and I can swear she's wearing the same perfume that Meredith loves.
"Mom, I…"
"She loves that," I blurt out surprisingly, not even thinking about what I'm doing or saying.
"She loved what mom?" Amelia asks.
I feel myself wince at her words.
"Loves Amelia," I whisper, sounding harsh, causing even Amelia to wince slightly. "Loves."
Silence.
"She loves what Mom?" she asks again making me smile slightly.
"Your perfume," I smile sadly, turning back round to face her.
"Oh," Amelia nods, looking down at the floor. This happened anytime one of the girls spoke to me about Meredith.
Did they forget that she was their sister? Did they forget she was their friend?
"I'll never forget that Christmas when I bought it for her. She was so happy and excited. Then I got excited because she was more excited about my present to her; over everybody else's," she giggles.
I can feel myself smile because for the first time, one of my daughter's is actually talking about Meredith to me.
"I remember you teased Derek for weeks after that Christmas, about it," I laugh. "He even avoided your calls at one point, didn't he?"
"He did," Amelia giggles. "She would have hated this," she states with a small, sad smile. "She would have literally hated all of this."
"She would have," I agree, feeling sadness overwhelm me once again.
Will this ever go away?
"We had better get back in there," I smile as my daughter groans in response. "Now stop that and help me with these plates of food."
"Everything looks delicious mom," she smiles at me as we both pick up the plates and head on into the living room.
"Everything ok?" Kathleen asks us as we put the plates on the coffee table.
"Everything is fine," Amelia assures her but I can sense she's giving Kathleen a warning look behind my back.
"Everything smells great mom," Sophie smiles, digging in straight away, before I can even stop her.
"Oh yes Carolyn," Rachel pipes up. "It all smells lovely but would you mind if I skip the eating. All those carbs and the fat, are not good for me, especially so close to the wedding."
Snooty bitch.
"That's fine Rachel," I smile tightly as I share an outraged look with Sophie.
"I love that one," I hear Nancy whisper from behind me.
"No way," I hear Rachel gasp, appalled by whatever Nancy has suggested, from the magazine they were looking at, and weirdly enough it makes me smile. I decide it's best to sit in the arm chair and watch everything going on between Rachel and my girls.
If only I could watch over Meredith.
"Have Derek and you talked about children?" Amelia asks bluntly, smiling at me knowingly.
That's my Amelia, always as bold as can be. Nothing ever phases' her. I suppose that is why she is a phenomenal neurosurgeon. Just like her brother…and Meredith.
"Yes," Rachel answers tersely, sipping on her wine glass, sitting on her god damn high horse, like she's the bloody Queen of Sheba. "We've talked about it a lot recently and decided to use a surrogate."
"Oh Rachel, I had no idea that you couldn't have…" Kathleen starts but Rachel interrupts her.
"Oh, no," she giggles. "I can have children, I just don't want to."
What?
"I don't understand," I slip out, feeling myself grow incredibly confused.
"Well," she starts, looking at me directly. "I don't want to get fat nor do I want stretch marks and Derek wants a child that is biologically his so that rules' out adoption which means the only option is a surrogate."
Did she really just say that?
Silence. Everybody in the living room goes silent, staring shockingly at Rachel.
"What?" she asks defensively. "It's our lives. It's our decision!"
"There's no need to yell Rachel," I respond instantly. It's the mother in me. I can't help it. "I think it's safe to say, we are just surprised, that's all."
"Well, it's our life Carolyn," Rachel retaliates hotly, making me feel rather stunned. "It's our choice, not yours."
"Rachel!" Nancy and Amelia admonish. Sophie and Kathleen look too stunned.
"I didn't say it was Rachel," I reply, not sure of what else to say but if that girl thinks she can get away with speaking to me like that then she's got another thing coming.
"No offense to all you girls," she nods towards all my children who are staring on stunned. "But I just can't imagine why woman would want to do it."
"You mean the miracle of life?" Sophie answers smartly and I can tell she's ready to get on the defence.
"If that's what you want to call it," Rachel mocks her eagerly.
"So what happens if you fall pregnant accidently?" Nancy asks curiously.
"I have an abortion," she shrugs, as if it's no big deal.
I cannot take this.
"Oh, you don't mean that," I say gently, shaking my head; although I can feel my blood beginning to boil.
"Why not?" she retorts. "Oh, let me guess. Because it isn't what your precious Meredith would do!"
Now that is crossing the line.
"You're right! Meredith would never do such a despicable thing!" I yell, losing my temper.
It actually feels good.
"You mean as despicable as leaving her best friend when he was in a god damn coma?! You mean as despicable as leaving her family behind without so much as a goodbye!" Rachel retaliates vehemently. "Why don't you just accept she is dead Carolyn? Derek has!"
"No, he hasn't!" I retort instantly, ignoring the shiver that trembles down my spine as I feel tears sting my eyes.
"Then why has he called off the search!" she shouts at the top of her voice.
"He what?" Me and four other voices ask together. Derek wouldn't do that. He would never do that. Meredith is the love of his life; even if he is too stubborn to see it.
"At lunch time, Derek went down to the private detectives office and called off the search because even he knows that you will never find her! It's time to let her go Carolyn before we end up forced to send you into the nuthouse!"
Before any one of us can respond, she storms out of the room and up the stairs and the tears I was holding back finally fall as I feel my four girls sit next to me and offer me comfort with hugs and kisses as well as words of assurance.
But it isn't them I want comfort or reassurance from - its Derek because I need to know that he has not given up hope on the very girl that holds his heart.
The love of his life.
Derek's Point of View
I was relieved when Mark asked me to join him at Joe's when we were in surgery this afternoon. I need a break and I'll need a stiff drink before I head home to six very demanding women. I know mom will be struggling with today because when Rachel brings up the wedding, it's just a reminder to mom of the possibility Meredith may not be there for it.
Hell, Meredith doesn't even know I'm engaged.
I'm trying my best to focus on going out with Mark and Owen at Joes tonight but before I meet them there, I have to go somewhere else…and this place is definitely no fun. I'll only stop by for half n' hour because I honestly can't manage staying there much longer than that. I do this for Meredith, not for…
Ring, ring.
Crap.
Looking at my screen on my Blackberry, I can see my mom is calling me. This can't be good.
"Hey mom," I answer the phone, sounding as chirpy as I can possibly muster.
"Derek," she sobbed down the phone.
What the hell?
"Mom," I whisper, surprised to hear her crying. What or who has got her in such a state? "What's wrong?"
"Is it true?" she gasps out, in a struggle.
Oh no! Oh no, Rachel wouldn't. She couldn't have. She would not do that to me or mom.
"Is what true?" I ask, already dreading her answer.
"Derek Christopher Shepherd!" she admonishes down the phone.
This wasn't good.
"Mom, I…"
"I think if you're going to call off the search and defeat the fight then the least you could do is have the courtesy to tell…"
"I haven't given up mom," I interrupt, worrying about the state she's getting herself into. "Nor have I told the investigator to call off the search."
"Then why…"
"Because I told Rachel that to get her off my back mom," I confess with a sigh. "I know that sounds harsh and I should have told you but I didn't think it would come up in conversation today."
"So you are lying to your fiancé?" she asks bluntly.
Good old ma. I can always rely on her to be bold.
"Not lying exactly," I hesitate. "I'm just bending the truth."
"In other words, you're lying," she whispers, clearly un-amused.
"Mom," I sigh, feeling exasperated. "Rachel is really worried about us both and I am doing this for her best interest."
Okay, that's a lie but how can I tell my mom that I am lying to my fiancée because she is an insensitive bitch?
"Oh?" she questions oddly. "She's worried about both of us?"
"She is," I nod, "She's so worried about us that she…"
"That she wants to admit me to the psych ward," my mom whispers in a dead pan voice.
"Exac...Wait! What?" I ask, shock coursing through me.
Did she really just say that?
"Your fiancée took great delight in telling me how worried you both were about me; that you had discussed sending me to the… now how did she put it again?" she hesitates. "Oh yes, if I don't let Meredith go then you will both be forced to send me straight to the nuthouse!"
She said what?
"Mom," I whisper guiltily, at a loss for words. How could Rachel do that to her?
Shit!
"So come on Derek? Is it true?" she asks bluntly.
What the fuck? Surely she doesn't think that. I can feel anger rise inside me. Anger, I can honestly say, I have never felt before.
"Is it…Mom, you can't be serious. I would never do that!" I scold.
"Maybe, it's me you're lying to instead of your fiancée!" She snaps.
"Don't be so ridiculous," I admonish. I cannot believe I've just did that. "You know how much your support means to me…you know how much…Meredith means to me. I'm not giving up on her and I do not think you are in any way crazy!"
Phew, I feel better for that.
"Derek Christopher Shepherd! You do not get to yell at me!" she shouts.
"Like you are yelling at me now?" I ask, trying to reason with her. "Mom, I love Meredith so much but today all I have heard about is other people's opinions of what I should do. Leave Rachel to me! I'll handle her. I promise," I vow to the upset woman on the other end of the line. "I'm sorry she hurt you like that."
My mind is spinning and hearing what Rachel said to my mum earlier has finally made my blood reach boiling point.
"Derek, it wasn't what she said about me to me that hurt me but what she said about Meredith," I hear my mom sigh.
Oh no.
"What did she say about Meredith?" I ask, feeling my hands shake.
"She told me that we need to accept the fact she is dead," she sobbed.
I'm going to kill her. How could she do that to her? She knows how much Meredith means to mom…and to me.
"Oh mom," I sigh, feeling horrible knowing that she is going through so much torture. "I'm so sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for," she gasped out.
If Meredith was here, she would know what to say to make her feel better.
"Meredith has a lot to answer for when she gets home," I mutter.
"That's the spirit sweetheart," she whispers, and I can tell she's smiling. "Just try not to sound so bitter."
"I'll try," I smile, breathing a huge sigh of relief. "Where's Rachel now?"
"She's out," she sighed. "And the girls are at the hotel to get some sleep before they come here for dinner."
"I'm not going to make it home for dinner Mom, but I promise I will handle Rachel as soon as I'm home later tonight,"
"That's okay sweetheart," she replies to my relief. "Mark already told me that you're going out for a boy's night out tonight. It will do you the world of good."
"Thanks," I smile. I really do have the best mom. What did I ever do to deserve her?
"You will have something to eat before you go though, right?" she asks, sounding exactly like a mom should.
"You do realise I am a grown man?" I ask with a sigh.
"Derek," she warns me. Nothing ever gets past that woman.
Apart from Meredith.
"Mom, I have to go see Ellis before I meet the guys at Joe's," I sigh, hating the idea of going to the home but I have to do it for Meredith.
"I'll go Derek," she suggests.
"No, mom," I cut her off, hating the idea of her in that place by herself. It is a hell hole. In fact, that's an understatement.
"Derek," she admonishes lightly. "I'll go and you make sure and have something to eat before you meet the guys at the bar."
"You have dinner with…"
"I have plenty of time to spare. Stop worrying," she asserts. Although, I know that she knows, it is no use telling me that because I have and always will worry.
"Okay then," I sigh. I've had enough of fighting today as well as people telling me what to do but I can't tell her that. She's doing me a favour and she's already been put through enough today.
"Good," she whispers.
"Tell the girls I'm sorry that I can't make dinner and that I'll see them tomorrow for breakfast," I whisper, although I don't feel guilty in the slightest. The only thing I feel guilty about is the heartache Rachel put my mom through this afternoon. What the hell came over her?
"Don't worry sweetheart," she assures me. "They will understand."
I can feel myself smile and I honestly don't remember when I last smiled for real.
"One more thing before you go," I add.
"What's that sweetheart?" she asks.
"Where's Rachel now?" I ask bitterly.
"I'm not sure sweetheart," she mumbles quietly, losing the confidence in her voice. "She stormed out of the house when the girls confronted her about what she said."
Where does she get off hurting an old woman like my mom?
Where does Meredith get off hurting her by disappearing without a word?
"I'll handle it mom," I repeat. "I promise," I say once again to assure her. I really will handle this.
"Ok," she murmurs. "I have to go now but have fun tonight and give Mark and Owen my love."
"Will do mom," I breathe.
"Bye sweetheart," she says down the phone.
"Bye," I whisper, hanging up.
Where the hell did she go? Where the hell are you?
Shit!
I should be thinking about where Rachel is, not Meredith. Why do I have to care so much about Meredith when she obviously doesn't about me otherwise she'd be here. Wouldn't she?
Why do I have to love her so much?