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Sorry that the update is short but I hope you enjoy it…

Carolyn's Point of View

To say I am relieved that Derek is out for a boy's night is an understatement. I have wanted him to try and do normal day to day things for so long; things like a boy's night out. Things that did not involve nor centre on work. He needs this so much. He needs to be my Derek again because right now, he is just a shell of the person he was.

I hate this place with a passion, as did Derek; especially on days where Ellis is not lucid. The past year has been even harder as there have been moments, few and far between where Ellis has been lucid and would ask for Meredith. We would always tell her that she was working and would be by later to see her. It sounds so horrible but at the end of the day, she would not remember what we told her. Richard, Derek and I thought it would be better saying she's at work instead of explaining to her what was really going on and agitate her.

Walking into the main hallway of the care home, I can see the two receptionists smiling at me with such warmth. They always asked after Meredith as well as making me and Derek feel so welcome and at home here. They and the care nurses make coming here all that much easier.

"Hello Mrs Shepherd," Katie, one of the receptionists smiles at me. "We weren't expecting you today."

"I'm afraid Derek has been held up at the hospital," I lie with a smile. "So I thought I would drop by for a visit."

"I wish my mom was like you," she smiles.

"How do you mean?" I ask, curious. I am a rather nosy bugger at times.

"Considerate," she nods and we both laugh. It feels good to laugh, even if it is only for a few seconds.

"These are for you," I nod, lifting the basket of muffins I had baked earlier while Rachel stood over me asking me if I knew how many calories were in just one muffin before she proceeded to ask me if I could do us all a favour and stop baking.

I try and smile at Katie and put the memory to the back of my mind.

"Mrs Shepherd, you are too kind," she smiles with delight. "They smell delicious, as always."

"How many times Katie?" I scorn her playfully. "It's Carolyn."

"How are things with the soon to be daughter in law from hell?" she asks knowingly.

"Worse than ever," I reply honestly.

"How come?" she asks, seeming genuinely interested.

"Let's just say there was a big confrontation at the house today which led her to…"

Should I tell her? What harm could it do? And she's such a lovely girl.

"Led her too?" she asks gently, walking around the desk to stand beside me for a bit of privacy.

"It led her to say that if I didn't stop looking for Meredith then her and Derek would be forced to admit me to the nuthouse…to…to section me," I sob. I tried to hold it back but I couldn't hold my emotions any longer. I hate crying in front of people. I really do. Hell, I even hate crying in front of my own family.

I can feel Katie's arms come around me and squeeze me to her in a warm, affectionate embrace.

"That bitch," she whispers. "Excuse my language."

"That's alright," I laugh slightly, pulling away from her. "I've said much worse this afternoon."

"Why don't we go into the kitchen for a coffee?" she suggests and as I begin to shake my head, she continues to persist. "I'm on my break now. We can have a nice cup of coffee while we chat. Besides, you can't go in and see Ellis like this."

"I'm fine," I insist.

"Now you sound like Meredith," she smiles sadly and I can feel myself smiling in return. Nobody ever really talks about her freely anymore.

"Oh Katie," I cry in exasperation. "Where the hell is she?"

"I don't know Carolyn. I wish I did," she replies sadly. "Come on," Katie urges. "Let's get you a nice cup of coffee."

Katie leads me into the small kitchen beside the reception desk and closes the door for privacy. She then proceeds to open the patio doors that lead to the big garden at the back of the home which Meredith always loved. It was the main thing that drew her to choosing this home for Ellis and I didn't blame her because their grounds were spectacular. The exact same could be said for their staff too.

Katie urges me to sit at the table on the patio while she dishes out coffee and a couple of muffins for us. The sun is shining today which is a rarity in Seattle. Is Meredith even in Seattle? Did she leave Seattle? Hell, is she even in America?

Is she even alive?

Crap! I promised myself that I would never ask myself that. My girl was alive and safe and nobody would tell me differently. Nobody! Not unless they could show me their dead body which nobody could because she is not dead.

God, my thoughts are rambling juts like the way Meredith speaks when she's nervous.

"What did Derek say when Rachel said that?" Katie asks as she places a cup of hot, steaming coffee and a plate, with a muffin on it, in front of me.

"He wasn't there but I spoke to him an hour ago on the phone," I shrug.

"And?" she persists as she sat across from me.

"He says he will handle it," I sigh.

"But you don't think he will?" she asks, sounding surprised as well as looking rather perplexed.

"Derek will handle it the way he thinks best under the circumstances," I start to explain. "He will yell at her for it, she'll give this big sob story to go along with her excuse and he'll forgive her the way he always does."

"Seriously?" she asks with shock.

"Hmm," I sigh, knowing that it is exactly how Derek will handle it. "Derek's changed in the past year."

"Because of the accident or because of Meredith going missing?" Katie asks gently. She has that way about her where she could probably get a murderer to confess. She's just such a gentle, loving and caring person.

"Because he has no idea where Meredith is and what caused her to leave. If she…if she…"

"If she left willingly," she finishes for me, reaching over to squeeze my hand.

"Exactly," I nod, shaking slightly.

"I wish there was something I could say or do to help Carolyn," she whispers.

"You are helping sweetheart," I smile sadly at her, taking a sip of coffee to compose myself.

"Do you believe she will come back one day?" She asks lightly.

"I have to Katie," I assert. "I have to."

The young woman sitting across from me nods and I get the sense that she understands more than she is letting on.

"What was Derek like?" she asks as she takes a bite of my home baked muffin.

"How do you mean?" I ask, unsure of what she is asing.

"What was he like before all of this happened?" she asks. I love this girl because as much as she is gentle and kind, she also does not beat around the bush and isn't afraid to talk about the things that my family are.

"He was…he was an optimist. He was a family guy who carried everybody's worries and concerns on his shoulder but you would never be able to tell by looking at him," I start to explain with a smile. I could not be more proud of the man he became. "He was so happy and full of life despite the death he had to deal with as a doctor."

"And now?" she pushes.

"And now he is a shell of the man he used to be," I whisper honestly.

"What is it?" Katie asks, sensing I'm holding back.

"He's a shell of the man he used to be because the love of his life is not here," I murmur, feeling my heart break all over again.

"The love of his life?" she asks, looking at me oddly.

"Meredith," I mumble, as the tears start to stream down my face once again and Katie looks as if she has finally put the pieces together.

"Oh," she murmurs.

"Yes," I nod. "Oh."

"They're in love with one another?" she gasps.

"Yes," I smile sadly.

"But…how…"

"Because neither of them realise it yet…or at least Derek doesn't," I answer glumly, realising what Katie was trying to ask.

"He will realise Carolyn," She asserts with such optimism that I wish I had.

"I know," I nod, because I know he will. "I just hope he's not too late when he does."

Katie gives me a sad smile as we sit and eat our muffins in a peaceful silence.

I feel so much better after talking to Katie. She isn't much older than Meredith and in so many ways, she reminds me of her so there are time when I talk to her, I feel as if I'm talking to my Meredith about Rachel and the things that are bugging me in life. I can feel myself smile at the thought. Meredith always had a way about her, making me talk without even realising it. She was incredibly talented at it.

There was one thing we bonded over and that was our love and worry for Derek. The bond just grew stronger and stronger from there. Meredith and I became joined at the hip though when Rachel entered the picture. Meredith and Rachel clashed from the offset for the simple reason that Rachel was threatened by Meredith. In fact, she still is. We both tried to give Rachel a chance because she was becoming a part of Derek's life. However, she made it impossible. I don't know what Derek has ever seen in her and when I start to think of the wedding, tears come to my eyes.

He's marrying the wrong woman. He is marrying the very woman that is going to make him as miserable as can be.

"Where's Meredith?" Ellis asks me for the fifth time as she paces the floor in front of me. She looks so pale and fragile. She is a lot worse than she has been before.

"She's working," I repeat solemnly, feeling myself become dizzy as I watch her pace back and forth.

"You're lying," she accuses, stopping to stare at me. "You're lying to me!"

Did she really just say that? I am. I am lying but I can't tell her the truth.

How could I tell her the truth?

"She's hurt!" She's hurt!" She starts to shout at me.

What makes her think that? How can she possibly know that? I know she gets confused but she doesn't make things up.

"What makes you say that?" I ask gently, desperately wanting to know, as I stand to encourage her to try and sit down but she flinches at my touch, looking at me with fearful eyes.

"Who are you?" She asks, looking lost and confused.

"I'm Carolyn, Ellis," I smile, trying to show her that she's okay and that she is safe. "Derek's mum."

"Derek? Derek?" she questions as if trying to place him in her mind but he wouldn't be able to.

"Derek is…" I start, knowing she wouldn't be able to place Derek in her mind but then Ellis interrupts.

"He was in a car accident," she nods, looking a little relieved.

What? What did she just say? Did she just say that?

"Yes, he was," I feel myself nod in shock. How could she know that?

"Meredith is in love with him," she states simply, staring off into space.

How could she know that?

"Yes," I nod with tears in my eyes. Oh my god. Is she lucid? I can't tell but I don't understand how she knows about Derek and Meredith's car accident.

"Meredith felt incredibly guilty," she states.

"Did she?" I ask, eager to know what she meant. "Did Meredith come and visit you after the accident Ellis?"

Ellis ignores me and I'm unsure whether she is off in her own world or trying to put pieces of the puzzle together. Please, please, be the latter.

"She feels guilty," she murmurs softly.

"Why?" I gasp out, feeling the desperation boil inside me. Maybe Rachel is right. Maybe I am going crazy.

Ellis turns and looks at me as if she is seeing me for the first time.

"Because Derek is dead," she states bluntly.

What?