Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note; Thank you to all those who commented on my last update. I love reading about what you think. I Hope you all enjoy this update

Derek's Point of View

Walking around the park that Meredith and I love…loved…love so much, I am trying my very best to calm down as well as trying to clear my head. However, I am failing at both. Meredith loves this park so much. She used to come here to clear her head. She would come here and watch the children play in the sand pit or go for a jog, in order to clear her mind from whatever was stressing her out.

I loved watching her, watching the children. The smile that would naturally come across her soft, delicate face always succeeded in making my heart swell. When we lost a patient she would sneak off to the nursery on the third floor or if the two us had an argument then I always knew I could find her there or here. Mind you, we rarely ever fought. And even if we did, neither one of us could cope with the idea of the other being mad at them.

When it came to children, Meredith was always clear that she never wanted any children which to me, was incredibly sad. She would make an amazing mother and I always hoped that one day she would change her mind. Meredith is so kind hearted. She always went on about how dark and twisty she was but she was never that to me. Yes, she was constantly haunted with abandonment issues from her childhood but somehow, she wasn't with me or Cristina for that matter. She was always so strong and always strong enough to get me, the family and our friends through whatever difficult situation we were in.

What I never understood was how she could always get everybody through the hard times, bring peoples spirits back up but yet she was always so hard on herself. I hated that and at times it was so hard to watch. Sometimes I just wanted to shake her into my way of thinking as she was the most important person in my life.

She still is.

I do know that it routes from her mother. Her mother never gave her the childhood that everyone should have. Instead, she expected perfection. She expected greatness and no matter how hard Meredith tried, she never reached her mother's ludicrous expectations. The sad thing about it all is if Ellis had looked close enough, she would have seen that Meredith is the true definition of perfection. Yes, she makes mistakes. Yes, she can be difficult but Meredith essentially raised herself and became a beautiful human being and a caring, compassionate surgeon. That is pretty close to perfection to me.

How can somebody have such a huge impact on your life, be such an important person in your life and yet you never realise until they are gone?

"Derek?" Amelia questions attentively, looking down on me with worry. These park benches are incredibly uncomfortable and I would love to walk away right now but I feel myself stuck where I am.

"Why?" I ask, aware of how bitter I sound.

"Why what?" she asks hesitantly, taking a seat beside me. I can feel the anger boil inside of me. She knows exactly what I am asking. How could she not?

"You know what!" I snap.

"Meredith didn't want you to know," she whispers. "And she made me promise."

"Why?" I push, shivering as the cold wind hits us.

"Derek, when I had left after that weekend, I spoke with Meredith on the phone regularly and she had assured me that she and Rachel had, had it out," Amelia begins to explain gently. "She had me convinced. You know what Meredith is like. She is never afraid to speak her mind. I had assumed it was all sorted and you never let on about any problems between Meredith and Rachel when I spoke to you so I just assumed it was all okay. The next time I was here was three months later and it was clear instantly that things were not okay between Meredith and Rachel."

"So why didn't you say anything?" I ask in a whisper. Why didn't Meredith say anything to me? Surely she would know that she could come to me about anything.

"I confronted Meredith about it and she said that I was focusing on her and Rachel too much. She said that you and her were okay and Rachel's threats were only empty because she was a little insecure. She said that I shouldn't open my mouth because the only thing I would succeed in doing is upsetting you…"

"That is…"

"She was being protective of you Derek. It's what she felt she had to do and I could understand where she was coming from," Amelia whispers, placing her hand gently on my shoulder.

Considering I'm hunched over, leaning my elbows on my knees, I can't look at her but I sense her worry. I know she is hoping that I am not incredibly mad at her.

"What about her?" I ask softly, finally looking at Amelia to see a mixture of guilt and confusion written over her face.

"What about Meredith?" she asks hesitantly.

"Who was protecting her?" I ask, aware of how pathetic I must sound. "Don't you see? Don't you get it Amelia? Meredith spent most of her life with no one. She was doing everything herself. Alone. I promised her that I would always be there. So how could this have been going on on under my nose without me knowing about it? And how could you allow it?"

"Because I thought that Rachel's threats were empty," she whispers, tears streaming down her face. "And they were," she adds, sounding as if she was pleading.

Silence overcomes us as Amelia cries quietly. I know I am over reacting because what was Rachel going to do? Cut Meredith out of my life forever? How could she do that when Meredith and I were practically joined at the hip? Mind you, she threatened her, under my nose, which obviously had an impact on Meredith considering she kept her distance from me until I pulled her up about it and even then she never told me why she had. She kept it secret in order to protect me and I hate that more than anything because I should have been the one protecting her. I know in my heart that this isn't Amelia's fault but I can't help but feel betrayed by the fact she didn't tell me.

"She was my best friend too Derek," Amelia whispers sadly, into the crisp morning air. "She was my best friend too and there is not a minute that goes by that I don't think about her."

"You don't think she's coming back, do you?" I ask, feeling my voice shake. I have asked this question to everybody and I always know what the answer is going to be.

"No, I don't," she cries, causing my heart to brake as I pull my little sister into my arms and hold her close.

I have asked that question so many times, heard the same answer several times but for the first time, hearing the words didn't sting so much. Maybe I'm now immune to them…or maybe I am starting to believe it without actually realising it.

"I am so sorry Derek," she sobs into my chest. "I just miss her so much."

"I know you do," I murmur, at a loss of what else to say. "I know you do," I repeat.

I rub my hand up and down her arm in the hope I can allow her to feel comfort that I can't. I remember doing this for Meredith one night that she was drunk and she told me that she always felt safest in my arms. When she said that, I honestly remember the feeling of my heart leap. But it wasn't until I thought about it, I felt disheartened by her words because that is something you more than likely felt about a friend more than you would about someone you love.

I'm not saying that someone who is in love shouldn't feel safe in their partner's arms. Hell, I always felt safest with Meredith and she wasn't my partner, nor was she aware that I was/am in love with her. When Meredith said those words, it was as if she was confirming that I will always be the best friend and never 'the one'. I would never be the person she shares the rest of her life with whole heartedly.

But I had to find a way to get over that. However, I don't think I ever have. The only thing I learned was that having Meredith in my life as her best friend was far better than not having her in my life at all.

"Derek?" Amelia questions softly. "Do you…"

"Yeah," I sigh. "I do. And believe me. I ask myself the same question every day and the answer is always the same. Sure, I have doubts but none are strong enough to change my mind. I believe she is coming back Amelia and all I know is that I am going to have to be incredibly strong for her when she does…"

"I wish I had your optimism," she sighs quietly into the cold night air. I can feel the temperature growing colder by the second. Thankfully, even with my anger, I had the sense to grab my woollen coat and scarf before I came out here.

"I have enough optimism for all of us," I whisper into her hair as I hold her close to my side.

"You're a good big brother," she murmurs softly.

"Thank you," I answer, feeling myself get slightly chocked up by her words.

"Derek?" she asks hesitantly.

"Yeah?" I sigh; as I watch a group of children play a game of hide and seek.

"Will you yell at her when she comes home?" she asks me quietly. As much as the question surprises me, the answer is instant.

"Yes," I respond honestly, as she pulls away, out of my arms to look me in the eye. "I know I will because right now, I can't think of what could have caused her to walk away. I'll yell at her for all she has put us through. I will yell at her for thinking that running was the easy answer. I will yell Amelia but I will also forgive her because she is the love of my life and no matter what, she is the most important person in my life, whether she is here right now or not."

"You don't think something happened to her? You think she ran because she got scared?" Amelia asks, as if it is no surprise.

"Something already did happen to her. She lost a patient who she was incredibly close too," I begin to explain, looking at her intently. I like how comfortable I feel talking to Amy about her; like she's not going to admit me to psych any second just for talking about her. "Meredith spent most of her life running away from things Amy. It is all she knew how to do because she raised herself. No one was ever there for her and I just wonder how alone she must have felt to leave the way she did? I mean I didn't do much to help her after she quit because she wouldn't allow me to. And eventually, I kept my distance but then, the morning of the accident I decided enough was enough and I was going to drag her out of bed and help her through it; because I missed her. I needed her. And most of all, I hated that she was hurting alone. But just because…just because I was there that morning Amelia, doesn't change how incredibly alone she must have felt. It doesn't, all of a sudden, make the depression and the anxiety vanish. And it definitely doesn't make the guilt disappear either."

"I guess not," she sighs.

Silence falls over us again as we both watch the children grow excited as their mum and dad came out from hiding. They were all smiling, laughing together, without a care in the world. I use to have that picture in my mind, where I would be the dad that would always be there. Nothing like Meredith's cowardly excuse for a father. I would be there. Meredith and I were an amazing team and we would be as parents.

We can all dream.

"You do realise you admitted she is the love of your life," Amelia giggles with a small smile placed on her lips, as she and I watch the dad swinging the young girl around in his arms as she squeals with delight.

"I did," I nod, smiling back at her.

"Well it's about time," she whispers, giving me a playful shove with her shoulder. We laugh as we watch the young girl scream with giggles as her dad turns into the tickle monster. "Dad would have loved her," she smiles sadly.

"He would," I nod in agreement. My dad would have loved Meredith. That, I am more than sure of. "I told her that," I tell her. "So did mom."

"You did?" she asks with surprise.

"I did," I smile. It's funny how I was never comfortable talking about my dad until Meredith came along.

"You never talk about him," she omits quietly. I can tell she is nervous about discussing him and I remember feeling that way once but I thankfully don't feel that way anymore. And it all thanks to Meredith.

"I do," I argue gently, turning to face her pained face.

"You don't," she breathes, shaking her head. "And it's ok. I get it," she shrugs as if she is trying to pretend it isn't a big deal to her when I know it is.

"I do Amy," I insist. "I didn't," I admit guiltily. "And I haven't with you. But I do talk about him now," I confess.

"Because of Meredith?" she enquires gently.

"Yes," I smile sadly. "Do you know what she once told me?"

"What?"

"She told me that I had this horrible nightmare happen to me and she couldn't imagine the pain I went through on a daily basis in order to get through it. In order to get past it," I start. "But then she told me, no matter how much pain I was in or no matter how difficult I found it, there was no excuse for me being a jackass…"

"Seriously?" Amelia laughs.

"Seriously," I nod, laughing.

"Huh," she breathes. "That is exactly why I love that girl."

"Me too," I chuckle. "Me too."

"Why did she say that?" she questions me, once our laughing finally subsides.

"Because it was true," I answer honestly. "And because she seen the way you and I were with one another. She told me that it was horrible for me because I witnessed our father getting shot whilst trying to protect my little sister. It was awful for me because I watched the man I looked up to and admired so much be killed for a watch…But…but…"

"But what?" she pushes gently.

"But as much as you couldn't understand my point of view, there is no way I could understand what happened to you," I confess. "I forgot one important thing. Well, two actually."

"Two?" she asks me, blatantly confused.

"That you were a little girl who didn't understand what was going on and that I have one thing you didn't. I have…"

"Memories," Amelia finished for me.

"I should have realised that at the time…"

"You were nine Derek," she defends me lightly.

"Doesn't matter," I shake my head. "I was older than you and it shouldn't have taken Meredith coming into my life to make me open my eyes."

She looks at me strangely and for the first time I can't tell what she is thinking until I realise what she is wanting.

"What do you want to know?" I ask gently, with a small smile to show her it is okay.

"You don't have to do this," Amy assures me.

"Yes, I do," I insist, pulling her back into my arms for a hug. "Now what do you want to know?" I repeat as we watch the perfect, happy family walk by with huge smiles on their faces.

"Everything," she smiles. "I want to know everything."

I'm begging you all to comment and let me know what you think of this?