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I am so sorry it has taken so long to post this but I hope you enjoy this IMPORTANT update! Have a fab weekend everyone! xxxx

Meredith's Point of View

Why can't the nightmare's stop? Isn't it enough that I am haunted with the past every minute of every day? Do I really have to be haunted in my sleep too? But then I suppose I see everything as a nightmare. Even when my mind wanders to happy memories, I am haunted. I am haunted with the guilt.

I'm not saying it isn't what I deserve so therefore I cannot and will not moan about it. Ever. However, it doesn't stop me thinking about the frustration of it.

I'm haunted with what Carolyn, Amelia, Sophie, Nancy and Kathleen must think of me and how they must be feeling as well as how Derek's beautiful nieces and nephews must be feeling considering they all loved their Uncle Derek. The image of their smiling faces as their Uncle Derek played the tickle monster or the human swing where he would swing the children about in his arms will forever haunt me.

"Uncle Derek!" Lucy calls from the living room. How Derek managed to convince me to help him babysit Nancy's four young children – Lucy, Abby, Thomas and Jamie- I'll never know. To make matters worse, I am working night shift tonight so when tomorrow morning comes, I will be crawling into my bed.

Nancy and her husband were in town for the weekend to see her brother. I had met Nancy quite a few times and it certainly took her a while to warm up to me – and vice versa for that matter. But now, we seem to be on an even keel. We are actually getting along really well. Strangely enough, she told me she was delighted that Derek had asked me to help out today. She wasn't even being sarcastic. Mind you, I think it was more to do with the fact it meant the kids would be at my house, instead of out in the woods, on Derek's land.

Derek's family seem to have an issue with the trailer which is not something I can understand because personally, I love it. It is so Derek, even if they can't see it yet. Apparently Kathleen thinks it is part of an early mid-life crisis.

"Uncle Derek! Auntie Meredith!" Lucy calls again.

That is the main reason I'm smiling today. They're calling me 'Auntie' Meredith. It wasn't even something they were asked to do.

The boys are in the living room playing their video games while the twins are playing a game of hide n' seek with Derek and I. Nancy warned us that they have an obsession with the game , thanks to their Auntie Sophie. I will have to kill that girl the next time I see her because it is her fault I am currently crammed under the desk in my office.

"I think they're hiding upstairs," I hear Abby whisper loudly.

"If they were hiding upstairs then we would have heard them go up the stairs," Lucy asserts. She is one little smarty pants.

"Not if they were on their tiptoes," Abby whispers firmly, clearly not liking her sister getting the better of her. The girls are only three and a half but they are intelligent ones at that and for whatever reason, they accept me into their family with open arms.

"The kitchen," I hear Lucy breathe as I catch sight of them heading in the opposite direction of me, towards the kitchen.

Poor Derek…not!

I gently creek my head out from my hiding place to sneak a peek at Tom and Jamie. At ten, Jamie is the oldest and makes sure everybody knows it. You can tell he gets aggravated though when Jamie reminds him that he is only a year older than him. At nine years of age, Tom is the quiet reserved one. Don't get me wrong, it is clear how much he loves his brother and sisters and how protective he is over all of them but he is the type of young boy who would rather be in his room playing computer games than outside with his brother and their friends; running around and playing.

Derek is amazing with the two of them as he can relate to both of them. Jamie loves nothing more than watching a game of basketball with his dad, Uncle Derek and Uncle Mark. Derek loves spending that time with him or teaching him tricks when it comes to soccer or football. When it comes to Tom though, Derek has a soft spot for him because the way Tom is it is exactly the way Derek was when he was growing up. Derek didn't really take an interest in sports until his final year in high school. On top of all that, Derek loves taking the boys fishing. It is the one thing they all have in common. Derek and Mike took the boys fishing early this morning while I helped Izzie out at the hospital and Nancy and the girls had a nice long lie in, before they treated themselves to a delicious breakfast from the Italian Derek and I love down the road from the hospital.

I had better slide back in before I get caught!

Ouch!

Wise move Meredith! How come when I play this game, I always end up hiding under something that results in me banging my head off of it? You are under the desk Meredith! Take note!

"Uncle Dewek!" I hear the girls squeal with delight. "Uncle Dewek!"

He is such a big kid.

"Auntie Mewedith, HELP US!" They shout. "Auntie Mewedith!"

Oh no, it's…

"Auntie Mewedith, the ti…the ti...ckle...mons…ter! Aun…tie…Mew!" they squeal through their giggling fits.

Crap! Is he doing this just so I'll come out of my hiding spot?

No, I bet he is just tired of playing this game.

"Auntie Mewedith!" Lucy shrieks.

"Shut up!" the boys shout from the living room, clearly annoyed that their game is being disturbed.

"Boys," I warn lightly, coming out of my hiding spot.

They shouldn't be shouting in the house," Jamie argues, like a typical no it all.

"You just shouted," I argue back lightly, trying to stop myself from laughing.

"And you said 'Shut up'," Tom adds helpfully. "You're not allowed to say 'shut up'."

"You just said it," Jamie responds defensively.

"No yelling and no saying shut up!" I warn lightly, still trying to sound like and behave like their 'cool Aunt Meredith'.

"Auntie Mewedith!" the girls scream from the kitchen.

"Tell them that," Jamie mocks, not bothering to take his eyes off of the T.V.

"I will," I agree with a small smile on my lips. Jamie is a lovable kid and if there is an argument to be made, he will always make it, no matter what the reason or outcome which is why I love him so much. It's a quality that needs to me admired, not frowned upon. Although, it can be annoying when he wants to debate with you all the live long day.

"Auntie Mewedith, help!" Abby giggles.

"Shut…Be quiet!" Jamie calls from the living room, making me smile. That boy is one fast learner.

As I stand in the kitchen doorway, I watch as Derek has each girl in one of his arms as if they are weights at the gym and starts gently spinning them around making them squeal in delight. Watching them laugh and giggle, I can feel my heart pounding faster. I watch the love of my life doing the one thing he loves most in the world next to surgery – spend time with his precious family. He's laughing. He's smiling. Why can't I just say it? Why can't I say those three little words?

I love you.

What if I had told Derek that I loved him? His heart would have probably crumbled into a million pieces. That's what seemed to happen when I touch or stay around anything or anyone I care about – they crumble around me. That's why I am always best keeping my distance.

"Meredith," Michael coughs violently.

"Are you okay?" I question with a small sigh. I am growing more and more concerned about him. He needs help. However, he is more stubborn than I am which makes it difficult.

"You're crying," he observes, putting his arm around me in order to try and comfort me.

"I am not," I answer defensively.

"Oh really?" he questions lightly. "Then what's this?" he asks, wiping the moisture form under my eyes.

Before I can answer, Michael breaks out into another coughing fit.

"You need to tell Dr Bennet about that cough of yours Michael. It really doesn't sound good," I murmur. In all honesty, his cough is beginning to really worry me. He could easily have a chest infection or pneumonia. And more than likely, he does.

"I don't need…"

"I mean it Michael," I warn, leaving no room for argument.

"What would I do without you?" he splutters out, during a coughing fit as I rub his back in order to help. It isn't much help but unfortunately it is all I can give him right now.

"Probably live a peaceful life," I whisper and I can tell by his smile that he thinks I am joking…but I am not.

Derek's Point of View

The family and I had a really good day. Days like these feel rare and are few and far between for me. They did ever since Meredith left me behind. The only horrible thing about today was finding out Meredith was threatened by the woman I was kidding myself that I loved.

I miss Meredith. She would have loved today.

Ugh. I need to stop this. I can't keep doing it to myself.

Lying here though, I can't help but think it. She is the last thing I think about before I got to sleep. She is the first thing I think about when I get up in the morning. I think about her in the scrub room, in the O.R., when I'm at Joe's, when I'm spending time with mom, when I look at Cristina, when I'm talking to Richard, when I'm eating pizza or strawberry ice cream, when I'm drinking coffee, when I pass the Tequila bottles in the supermarket. I even think of her in my sleep. Basically, I can't escape her. I think about her all the time. Hell, I can't even go to the bathroom without her on my mind.

I need to stop. I need it to stop because I'm not being fair to everyone else around me. I'm not being fair to the people that are here, right now. To quote Meredith's least favourite Friends character, Rachel. "You know how you find them (your soul mate), you stop looking for them. Let them find you."

I just hope that is true because I need for her to come back to me as I clearly suck at finding her. Frankly, I clearly suck without her. I just don't know what to do without her by my side. I always worried about her. Always. It didn't matter whether she was at Joe's or went to Vegas for a long weekend; I always worried about her even though I knew exactly where she was. Now, I have no idea where she is and no idea what to do.

I can here noises downstairs. Mom's such a light sleeper and for the past year, it has been made worse by the worry and strain of Meredith and me for that matter. I didn't help when I was in a constant mood because I missed my best friend and I was constantly missing, worrying about Meredith.

Mom is another person I constantly worry about. She's already been through so much heartache in her life. She deserves to be living out the rest of her life in peace and happiness with the people she loves and the people who love her, around her. She doesn't deserve this mess that we are in.

What was that?

That sounded like a whimper.

I feel a groan escape my lips as I move my exhausted body off my bed and head towards my bedroom door. Opening it, I can here muffled voices downstairs. One was definitely mom's but I can't hear who the other's is. Is that Kathleen? Soph…No, it's Amy.

What the hell is going on down there?

Should I go down or should I leave them?

Go down!

"Mom, you need to take a breath and try and calm down," Amelia whispers to my mom as I stand on the staircase, listening in.

"How am I supposed to tell him Amelia?" I hear my mother sob. "How am I supposed to tell him?" she repeats, pain evident in her voice.

What the hell has Amy done now?

"Mom you need to…" Amy stops speaking as she turns to see that I have entered the room.

"What have you said to her?" I snap, walking towards the couch and sitting myself down on the other side of my mom to rub my arm up and down her back in a soothing motion, just like Amelia is at her side.

"I haven't said anything," she protests.

"I…ah…I…." My mother gasps as she pants for breath.

"Take a deep breath, mom," I order firmly.

What could have gotten her into such a state?

"Amelia, do you know why she's so upset?" I ask, before I see mom trying to speak again. "Don't try and talk mom," I whisper before pulling her close to me for a hug. Maybe that's what she needs. It is a stressful time and things are bound to be getting on top of her.

"She…uh…it should come from her. She wants to be the one to tell you," she whispers in a crackly voice.

"What does she not want to tell me Amy?" I ask, although my full focus and attention is on mom.

"She'll tell you when she's ready," she murmurs softly, rubbing a hand up and down mom's back. "I know you don't believe me mom but it will be okay," Amy insists, staring into our mom's eyes.

What could it be? And why would it have her in this emotional state? Oh…she wants to go home. I get it. She needs to go back home.

"I get it," I whisper aloud.

"I doubt it," Amy mutters, as mom is finally calming down in my arms. Does Amy really think I'm that stupid that I can't see what is wrong with our mother? She wants to go home but doesn't know how to tell me. It's only then I turn and look at Amy and see the big, circular red splotches that are under her eyes too. They've both been crying.

"Have you been crying?" I ask, feeling dumbfounded by it all. Amelia wouldn't be crying if mom wanted to go back to New York. Amy stares back at me with a glimmer of fear in her eyes but I'm pulled from her gaze when mom pulls out of my arms to look me straight on, in the face, with a serious, dire expression.

Gulp.

I've only ever seen that look once on my mother's face before, when she told us that dad had died.

"Seriously, you two, what is this about?" I ask, trying to keep fear out of my voice as I look between the two.

"Today, you kept asking if I was okay," Mom started, looking incredibly hesitant as well as hurt.

"Yeah," I nod. "You were incredibly jumpy and you kept checking your Blackberry. A gadget you barely know how to use," I add lightly, trying to make them smile but Amy and mom continue to stare at me as if I need to guess where they are going with this. "You are both freaking me out now. Will one of you please tell me what is going?"

"Mom," Amelia interjects, taking one of mom's hands in hers. Watching mom, I suddenly feel petrified. If I was to tap her right now, she would literally crumble into a million pieces in front of me. "Why don't you…"

Oh god.

She is dead.

"This is about Meredith," I think aloud, not needing to ask them. I can tell by the look on my mum's face as the tears run down her face. "Is she…" I start, terrified to ask if she's dead.

"Mom has found out the reason Meredith left the way she did," Amelia interrupts as tears roll down her face too.

What?!

How could she possibly know that?

"How the hell…"

"Derek, if you want to find out, you can't interrupt, even to ask questions. Let mom talk and then you can ask anything you want afterwards," My baby sister asserts, as mom stares at me with an unsure look. "Mom? That sounds fair, doesn't it?" Mom nods but doesn't bother to turn back to face Amelia; she just continues to stare at me. "Why don't you start by telling Derek about how…"

"I went to see Ellis yesterday," Mom pipes up. "And as much as I know this isn't going to make sense to you, I was convinced there was strong meaning in what she said so I did a little digging…"

"What doesn't make…" I start but Amy stares me down in warning. Since when did my baby sister become the boss of me?

Amelia is holding one hand of mom's and I take hold of the other as she begins to shake with, I'm guessing, nerves.

"Take your time mom," I whisper, squeezing her hand to reassure her. I want to scream at her to tell me. I want her to blurt it out but I know I can't do that because it will make her worse and it'll take them both longer to tell me. "Just take your time. There's no need to rush," I add, trying to reassure her as well as myself.

Deep breaths.

"Ellis was pretty lucid when I went in to speak to her yesterday. At first I didn't think she was because what she was talking about, but what she was saying eventually sunk in and began to make sense," my mom murmurs, squeezing my hand tightly.

What does she mean she made sense? Ellis has Alzheimer's. It's not as if the woman couldn't speak proper sentences. She just couldn't form new memories. It's just that she basically lived in the past, getting confused about who everybody is.

"Derek, she knew who you were. She asked who I was and when I told her that I was your mom, she asked me if you were the one in the accident with Meredith," My mom tells me hoarsely.

Okay.

Wait…What?

"That's not possible," I blurt out, without thinking.

"Derek, I know this is hard," my mom breathes. I can tell she is trying to remain calm for me. "But as soon as I said your name, she asked if you were the same Derek that was in the car accident with Meredith."

"How the hell…I…what else did she say? Why didn't you tell me this?" I ask, losing my cool.

"Derek," Amelia murmurs sadly. "Mom decided…"

"How long have you known?" I snap, unable to take it. "Look mom, did she know anything else?"

"This is going to be hard to hear Derek," she informs me.

"I don't care," I snap. "I need to know!" They couldn't seriously expect me to keep calm, could they?

"Derek," Amelia warns. "This isn't mom's fault and if you want her to tell the whole story then you have to stay calm."

I take a slow deep breath before I look at our mom and ask the question I need the answer to. "What else did Ellis say mom?"

"She spoke about how Meredith felt incredibly guilty for what happened," she whispers as more tears stroll down her face.

"What…"

"Derek," Amy warns again.

"She feels guilty about the fact…about the fact…about…about how she killed you," Mom cries sadly.

"What?" I feel myself shriek. I let go of my mom's gripping hand and start to pace my living room floor.

"Derek, there is…"

"I'll need to get her into the hospital," I assert. "Run some tests and see what is going on."

"We don't know where she is Derek," Amelia speaks softly, obviously thinking I am talking about Meredith.

"Not Meredith, Amelia," I murmur. "Ellis," I nod before continuing to pace.

"Derek, I thought there was something wrong with this but then I realised it was too big a coincidence so I snuck out early this morning to see Richard and ask for the CCTV footage of the day of the accident and when Meredith left," my mom whispers, looking at me with uncertainty.

"Mom, you can't seriously think that Meredith is out there thinking that she has killed me…Wait, you spoke to Richard….What the…"

"Derek, mom found something on the CCTV footage," Amelia interrupts, losing her patience with me. My anger wasn't helping control my mom's upset state but for some reason I couldn't go over and comfort her. I just needed to hear the whole story.

The CCTV footage has already been looked at. I was there for that.

This cannot be happening.

"The detectives and the private investigator looked at…." I begin, suddenly stopping still as I feel my body shake and bile rise in my throat.

"They looked at Meredith's movements from the moment she left her room to her leaving the hospital but they never looked further back. Your next door neighbour Jack…well, I gave the tapes to him," she starts, standing up and coming over towards my shaking body. "He, as a retired detective, still has contacts. He looked through the tapes, found what he needed and sent it to a lip reading specialist," she explains, as she pulls me into a tight embrace. "I'm so sorry sweetheart," she whispers in my ear.

"Tom?" I question, trying to wrap my mind around this. Then it dawns on me. "It was his phone call you were waiting for today," I murmurs, feeling her nod her head slightly clarifying it.

My mom cries on my shoulder as I hold her tightly to me and turn our bodies slightly so I can see Amelia's face. She too, has tears running down her face. I have to ask her because mom is too upset to answer me. One way or another I need to know.

"Amelia," I gulp. "What did he find?"

"Derek," she gasps. "Rachel made a fake death certificate. She told Meredith that you had gone into cardiac arrest and there was nothing the doctors could do. She told her…she…she…" she breaks off; gasping slightly as soft sobs take over.

"Rachel?" I gasp. "She would…Oh no!" She would. She hated Meredith. But surely not to that extent? She wouldn't do that to me? Surely not!

Mum pulls back and looks at me through tear stained eyes.

"She told Meredith that the entire family hated her for taking you away from us and as far as we were concerned she was dead to us too," my mom cries slightly, as Amelia stands from the couch and mum pulls us both in for a big, well needed hug, sobbing on one another's shoulder.

The love of my life thinks she has killed me.

My best friend thinks she killed me.

She thinks she no longer has a family.

She thinks she no longer has me.

There's only one thing for certain right now – Rachel is going to pay!