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Cristina's Point of View
Ironically, all I can think about is a bottle of Tequila? This is all Meredith's fault. A major problem comes along and I end up wanting a bottle of Tequila. It makes me sick to say that it's moments with Tequila that I miss most about her. I miss the days where she would have some Meredith Melodrama – most of them, if not all, involving McDreamy – where we would go to Joe's, drown ourselves in shots and she would ramble on about her problems.
The rambling had to be Meredith's most annoying trait and yet it is one of the things I miss most about her. I'd love to hear her rambling on at me – even if it was about Derek bloody Shepherd. It always amazed me, how many hours she could ramble on about that man yet it took her forever to realise she was in love with him.
I can't believe how much I used to hate the idea of the two of them getting together. I would give anything for them to be together now because she would be here with all of us, instead of…
"Cristina!" Izzie shouts, causing me to look up from my charts. Why the hell does she looks so flustered?
"Why are your cheeks red?" I ask, unable to stop myself sounding pissed off. She's disturbing me. Why doesn't anyone respect a person's right to space in this hospital anymore?
"Because I've been looking for you," she whispers, sitting next to me, clearly ignoring the pissed off looks I am giving her. "And I need to talk to you about an idea that Alex, George and I came up with."
Of course, they've thought of a stupid idea that will offer everyone a drop of hope that Meredith may come back and when it fails, everyone's hopes come crashing down again.
"No," I respond instantly.
"Why not?" She asks, looking at me like I'm crazy.
Seriously?
"Seriously?" Oops. I wasn't meant to say that out loud. "If you have an idea then I suggest you take it up with Derek," I snap, feeling myself losing my cool with her. This is why you have to respect other people's need for space. That is why I love the OR. It's filled with bloody victims who need my help and there is no time for personal talk with colleagues or friends. It is bliss.
"George has tried but his phone goes straight to voicemail and there is no answer on his home phone so you are the next best option," she smiles enthusiastically.
"Great," I groan loudly.
"Cristina," she sighs, sadly, giving me a sympathetic look.
Great, that is all I need. Pity.
"Why don't you…" I start to suggest.
"Cristina, I know this is hard," Izzie starts, reaching over and giving my arm a sympathetic squeeze. "But you can't give up hope. Meredith needs us now more than ever."
A scoff escapes my lips. Who the hell does she think she is?
"You've spent the past year hating Meredith!" I retaliate, unable to hold back despite the shocked, hurt look that quickly comes over Izzie's face. "You groaned every time you heard her name! You never once thought about the possibility that she left because things got too much and now, you want to behave like one of her close friends and actually do something! Where were these so called brilliant ideas a year ago Izzie?" I screech as I watch her stare at me through the river full of tears pouring out of her eyes.
I am not falling for those! No way!
"You didn't even care if she was alive or dead a year ago!" I snap, losing control.
"That's not true," she defends herself but it comes out sounding more like a plea.
"You," I continue, pointing at her, feeling venom coming out of me. "You are a…"
"Cristina," I hear a whisper beside my ear, as a hand gently places itself on my shoulder. I don't have to turn around to know who it is. I could recognise his voice, his touch, his smell anywhere, anytime.
"You're not being fair," he whispers to me.
Seriously?
"Which part of this is fair Owen?" I ask, turning to face him. He stares back at me with worry and concern etched over his facial features. "Name any part of this that is fair?" I ask, staring him down. I speak more slowly to be sure he understands the point I am trying to make.
I quickly turn, ignoring a sobbing Izzie by my side, grabbing the charts I was focusing on and without a second glance at Izzie or the man behind me; I walk out the door at the opposite end of the room. I can hear Owen comforting Izzie as I leave the room. He's doing his husbandly duties by defending me, making excuses for me but I don't think any of that will make a difference to Izzie right now.
Urgh!
Why did I have to go do that? Izzie didn't exactly deserve that. Granted, her, Alex and George very rarely mentioned Meredith unless they were in a bitching or pissed off mood. I am barely around to witness them anymore. Meredith helped me sit and listen to them so it feels as if there is no point now because she isn't here to help. She isn't here to listen. She isn't here to ramble. She isn't here.
Everybody was surprised by the news Derek delivered this morning. I'm not. If Meredith wasn't moaning about Derek Shepherd then she was moaning about Rachel. She confided a lot in Carolyn but she started to hold back from her because Meredith knew there would come the day that Derek would propose, they would get married and Rachel would be Carolyn's daughter-in-law which would mean Rachel had more significance in the Shepherd family than Meredith. She stopped bad mouthing Rachel to Carolyn and started defending the bitch to her because she knew it was important to Derek that they all got along.
In turn, Meredith felt a distance between her and Carolyn because she was holding out on her. She never told her about the blackmail. She never told her about the incredibly nasty snide, bitchy comments that Rachel threw her way. If I had my way, Rachel would have felt the force of my fist many, many months ago but Meredith never allowed it and apparently it was my job as her best friend to respect her wishes. Why can't I help myself from thinking that if I hadn't respected her wishes she would still be here with me now?
What's that sound?
Is that sobbing?
Strangely enough, it sounds like it is coming from the closet.
NO! NO! NO! NO Cristina, keep walking! Keep walking!
Damn it!
"Check who it is Cristina," I hear Meredith whisper. "Check who it is, Cristina," she whispers to me. "Go on,"my best friend urges.
Damn you, Meredith Grey!
Urgh, here goes.
"Who's in there?" I call abruptly, staring at the door as if it's about to talk back.
No answer!
"Try again," Meredith whispers in my ear.
Oh for pity sake!
"Either you come out here or I'm coming in!" I call through the door as I see nurses walking past, sniggering to one another as they watch me talk to a closed door.
"Cristina?" I hear a voice mumble through the closed closet door.
Shit!
"Carolyn?" I ask in a murmur. This is not what I need to be dealing with right now – an overly emotional mother.
"Come in," she whispers and I can sense that she is choking back a sob in order to get those two little words out.
Deep breaths Cristina! It's only Shepherd's mother.
"She doesn't bite Cristina!" Meredith giggles.
I slowly open the door to find Carolyn Shepherd sitting on a low stool between the stock units with a tissue crumbled in one hand, a picture clutched in the other while her face is brighter than ever thanks to the river she has probably just cried.
"Say something," Meredith encourages.
"I'm sorry," I mumble with uncertainty.
"And people used to say that I was awkward," Meredith scoffs.
"What are you sorry for?" She asks me, looking at me as if I'm bonkers before her features soften dramatically. "Are you okay Cristina?" she asks me, sounding unsure.
"I'm fine," I mumble as I sit on the floor beside her stool.
"Cristina," she whispers in a warning tone. "I consider Meredith as my daughter and I never once fell for the 'I'm fine' line because it was always meant she was so far from fine."
"She's right," Meredith murmurs.
"I'm not Meredith though," I defend myself lightly, trying to get into a position comfortable enough on the cold, hard floor.
"No you're not" she whispers, smiling down at me. "But you've clearly picked up her bad habits."
Against all odds, I feel a giggle escape my lips.
"Hmm," I sigh, contently. "I've picked up the Tequila habit too."
"Nothing wrong with that," Meredith grumbles.
"Not a bad habit to have as long as it is in moderation," Carolyn smiles sadly. "What about the rambling habit?"
"Are you joking?" I ask, laughing. "Derek may consider that as one of her adorable traits but I don't…never have," I scoff before I want to curl up in the corner for being so insensitive.
However, Carolyn doesn't look hurt. She's just looking at me.
"Yet, you miss it," she states knowingly. "Am I right?"
How did she know?
"Yeah, I hate it when she does that too," Meredith murmurs softly in my ear.
"Yeah, I do," I sigh, staring at the many boxes of pregnancy tests that are in my line of vision right now. "Do you?"
"I do," Carolyn answers instantly, staring off into the distance.
Minutes pass where we enjoy the peace and quiet. This is what I need. My own space to clear my head and think without Meredith rambling on at me.
"I do not ramble at you," I hear her mumble like a petulant child.
"She used to love hiding out in the closet whenever she was avoiding something or someone," I state.
"Liar, that was you," she giggles.
I turn when I get no response to see fresh tears roll down Carolyn's cheeks while she has a look of dismay on her face as she stares off into the distance.
"Carolyn?" I question.
"Cristina," she murmurs, choking on a sob. "I need to ask you something," she whispers in a plea.
"Okay," I nod suddenly feeling a sense of dread overcome me as I have no idea where she is heading with this.
"And I need you to answer me honestly," she continues, trying her best to control the tears as well as her breathing.
"Just ask me Carolyn," I whisper, unsure of what else to say.
"Meredith was depressed before the accident," she starts.
"I was not!" I hear Meredith defend herself. "I was just taking some space," she explains pointedly.
"She was," I agree.
"She wasn't thinking clearly before the accident and then after the accident she was in really bad shape. Then the really awful thing that Rachel told her must have made her feel even worse and…"
"Carolyn," I interrupt, knowing exactly where she was going with this. "Just ask me."
Carolyn takes a breath before turning to look me square in the eye with a sense of determination. She knows what she has to ask and she knows I am more than likely to give her an honest answer.
Do I answer honestly?
"Yes," my best friend answers immediately.
"She was just so low Cristina. She clearly believed the lie. So…so, I can't help but wonder, in that frame of mind, do you think…do you think she's done…"
I rub circles over Carolyn's back as she gasps into her tissues, allowing more tears to fall.
"Are you trying to ask me if I think Mer…if I think Mer has killed herself?" I gasp out, finding myself choking on the lump in my throat.
"Yes," she nods, giving me a pleading look.
What do I do?
"Answer her," Meredith encourages. "It's alright Cristina. Just answer her."
"Yes," I breathe sadly, taking the picture of Meredith and Derek out of her hand in order to hold her hand in mine. "Yes I do."
"Me too," she sobs, looking at me distraught.
"Over my dead body," I hear someone snap.
Oh shit!
I look at Carolyn with dismay as we both turn towards the doorway to see Derek standing with a look of sheer pain and anger.
Uh-Oh.
"You're in trouble now," she murmurs.
Thank you for pointing out the obvious Meredith Grey. Thank you very much.
Please, please, please comment and let me know what you think.
Next update will take place two months into the future!