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Hey everyone, I hope you enjoy this update as it is a very important one! Thank you to all those who took the time to comment on my last update. Enjoy…..

Derek's Point of View

Pick up the phone Derek and call her.

Just pick up the phone.

Pick up the phone.

I don't need people to tell me I am an ass because I already know it. They never say it. They always succeed in restraining themselves but I know they're thinking it. I can tell by the look in their eyes. I wouldn't exactly be grateful if they did tell me either. Let's face it, who's grateful for people pointing out what you already know?

I haven't spoken to my mother in two months which undoubtedly makes me a horrible person. Basically it makes me a bigger ass than I already was. It's horrible to say but I felt relief when she left. It's incredibly painful to admit but the truth hurts. Mom was the one person who I depended on getting where I was coming from. I thought we were in the same corner, fighting the same battle and it turns out, we weren't.

Sometimes, I can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that I told her it may be best for her to leave if she really thought Meredith was dead. I felt betrayed at the time, where as now, I can't make sense of how I feel which is what I hate most.

I know I miss her. I miss her so much and I would love nothing more than to pick up the phone and call her but I can't bring myself to; thanks to my stupid, idiotic pride. Mark constantly tells me how much pain she is in which always makes me feel a million times worse – as it should, but I still can't bring myself to call her. I don't need any shrink to tell me why though. My pride will get hurt because it would mean admitting how guilty I feel for the pain she is in. Pain she does not deserve.

I was just so angry though. I honestly felt it was me and her against the family, in Meredith's honour. As it turns out, it was me against all of them. How wrong is that? All I wanted in that moment was the person I couldn't have. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I was sick to my stomach with that feeling and I have been ever since. The only thing I am hoping for right now is that Meredith doesn't feel that way. I can accept that I may never see her again but I can't accept her feeling all alone in this world. I can't.

"You ready to go?" Mark asks, as he walks through my office doorway.

"Ever heard of knocking," I mock him lightly.

"Where's your luggage?" Mark asks, ignoring my snippy comment.

"In the car," I answer. "What's put you in a mood?"

"Just lost a patient," he whispers, looking at the floor. "And I now have to put up with you in such a crammed space."

"We're flying first class," I retort. "How do you consider that crammed?"

"Look, we had better go," Mark smiles. "Amelia text to say that she'll be at LAX waiting on us when we land," he adds, shifting the bag on his shoulder.

"Great," I groan, unable to stop myself.

"Still not looking forward to this?" Mark asks laughing. He's asked me the same question for the past week and has laughed every time he has asked.

"Would you be looking forward to this if you were in my position? Coming face to face with your ex-wife since the divorce, watch her shack up with someone who was once a close friend, in order to help Amy with a consult?" I ask, incuriously.

"No," he laughs. "I am sure it'll be fine though. There's no avoiding it will be awkward at first but you've both moved on. She's got Sam now and according to Amelia she is incredibly happy."

"Good for her," I murmur, aware of how bitter I must sound.

"Look man, this isn't going to be easy for me either," Mark insists. "I haven't seen Addison since I got the call from Meredith to get my ass out hear and repair the damage that I had broken."

"Well, she was always impossible to say no to," I smile.

"Who? Addison or Meredith?" Mark asks lightly, but I glare at him. Who the hell did he think I was talking about? "Joke," he smiles, holding his hands up in a sign of defence.

"Not funny," I murmur. "Are you worried about facing her?"

"No," he answers immediately, which tells me he is telling the truth. "Are you?"

"No," I answer, slightly unsure but hoping he doesn't sense that. "I wish I didn't have to though."

"Me too," Mark nods sadly.

"At least we get to spend a few days in sunny LA," Mark smiles, trying to make me feel a little optimistic. "And we get to spend some time with Amelia."

"Mark, we're not going to have any time to sit out in the sun because we'll be working," I explain.

"Dude, your killing me here," Mark mutters.

"Get the pictures of the tanned blondes in bikini's out of your head Mark because the only two places we'll be going are the hospital and Naomi's place," I laugh.

"Not funny. You've just killed my buzz," he mutters. "We better go," he confirms, looking at his watch.

"Okay," I nod, getting up from my office chair and following Mark out. "Oh, and Mark?"

"Yeah?" he breathes, turning to face me as I lock my office door.

"I'm sorry about your patient," I murmur.

"Thanks," he nods sadly. "Derek, this…this won't be easy," he starts hesitantly. "But I want you to know that I have your back. I always will."

"Thanks," I nod with appreciation, not sure of what else to say. "I have yours too."

"Thanks," he smiles, as we walk out of Seattle Grace together, get in the car and make our way to the airport.

How things have changed? Mark and I still talk but there's a growing tension between us that neither of us want to acknowledge. I know what it is. He blames me for mom leaving. I can't blame him for that. Cristina now avoids me and I let her. Normally I wouldn't but I feel I have to now. Izzie, George and Alex are always conducting plans to find Meredith. Izzie will spend one moment being overly optimistic and then the next in floods of tears. The fact her and Cristina aren't talking won't be helping matters. Richard and Adele have separated as Richard was drinking again and ended up in rehab. Thankfully, he is back now. However, he's not the man he was since he found out what Meredith was told. The only thing that appears to be the same from two months ago – I am no closer to finding Meredith.

I've only been in LA for thirty minutes and I already hate it. Mark, of course, loves it because he was hit on by at least fifteen women from the moment we left the plane to the moment we got in the car. Meredith always found it entertaining, watching Mark play the perfect man whore. She always said that if there was an award for best man whore, Mark would win hands down.

Anyway, I already hate LA. Meredith hated LA and she summed up why perfectly. Although I always thought she was crazy until now. She compared LA to Seattle saying Seattle was personal and LA was impersonal. In Seattle, it rains for three quarters of the year, it snows at least twice every winter and instead of everyone hurrying from one place to the next, people acknowledge each other on the streets whether they know them or not. It always amazed Meredith that people would always nod, smile and say hello when they didn't even know her but in LA, everyone is constantly in a rush to get to the next place without even appreciating the amazing atmosphere around them.

It's the one point of view of Meredith's I found corny but now I can understand what she meant. The only people who want to stop and chat are the people interested in hitting on you hence the reason Mark is now in love with LA.

"Derek?" My sister questions me from the driver's seat. "Are you okay back there?"

"Of course he is. He's enjoying the view," he jokes. "All the smoking hot woman in bikinis," he smiles. I can literally see the drool come out his mouth, through the side mirror.

"I'm not you," I scoff.

"I think someone is bitter because they never got to ride shotgun," Mark laughs and Amy is quick to join in before she glances at my serious face through the mirror.

"Are you okay Derek?" Amy ask me and I can hear the worry in her voice.

"I'm fine," I mutter, staring out the window. "But now that we've got the pleasantries out the way, I want to know why the hell I'm here," I demand.

"Derek!" Mark admonishes. "You, seriously need to lighten up. Your sister invited us out here. Let's just enjoy the time away from Seattle."

"Is that why I am here Amy? A pity invite to stay with…"

"Enough!" Amy shouts, as she continues to drive us through the streets of LA. "You don't think I'm slightly insulted you're here Derek? I mean it is great to see you but the patient has a simple tumor. The parameters are clear to go ahead with a craniotomy but Addison insisted on the best for this case and you're the best!"

"So this request has come from Addison?" I ask, perplexed. "Why?"

"Because the patient is a nurse from the practice," Amelia explains softly. "She is an amazing woman who hasn't taken a sick day in the past four years, even when she has needed it. She works all the overtime on offer as she is a single mom of three. She is amazing to everyone and listens to everyone else's moans and groans, even though her problems are far superior to most of ours. She deserves the best Derek," Amelia states again. "And unfortunately that is you," she adds, taking a quick glance back to smile at me.

"Charming," I smile.

"Isn't she just?" Mark jokes. "Anyway Derek, look on the bright side."

"What bright side?" I mock, making Amy laugh loudly, as Mark and I watch her take the cut off towards the hospital.

"We get to act like protective big brothers and suss out Amy's new boyfriend's intentions with her," Mark laughs, making me chuckle.

That certainly shut Amy up.

"There will be no annoying him. You will not behave like my two idiot big brothers. You will behave like two adults," Amy warns us sternly which according to the girl code, means she really likes him. Surely not though. Amy is more the love him and leave him type. She couldn't be falling for a guy, could she?

"That will be impossible," Mark laughs. "Besides, it's in our job descriptions as big brothers to protect you."

"Yeah," I sigh. "We're just looking out for you Amy," I murmur sincerely. She's my little sister and if she really is falling for this guy then I want to know all about him. I wonder if mom knows.

Mom.

I really should call her. I know I should. Why do I have to be so bloody stubborn?

"Derek?" Mark questions, turning in his seat to look at me.

"Yeah?" I question, looking out the window to watch the busy streets of LA. Mind you, it isn't as half as busy as the streets of New York.

"Amy was asking about us stopping for coffee in the coffee shop around the corner from the hospital," Mark explains and I can catch a glimpse of his curious expression.

"Sounds good to me," I nod, as Amy parks the car.

Ah, we're already at the flipping coffee shop. Amy has a habit of asking if we want to do something but what she really means is we are doing it.

"We're here," she smiles at us. "This place sells the best banana nut muffins in town. You'll love them Derek," Amy whispers sounding over eager. We step out of the car and manage to make it across the busy street safely before deciding what we want.

"Derek, why don't you find us a nice seat outside while Mark and I make the order?" Amy asks sweetly.

"You two are as subtle as a brick," I laugh mockingly before walking away. They both want to talk about me. I know it. They know it.

"What?" Amy asks, giving me that innocent look that she is brilliant at doing.

"Nothing," I scoff lightly as I walk away, hearing Mark chuckle as I walk. Walking outside, I find us a table in the shade as there is no way I am getting burnt on my first day here. Richard insisted that we spent a few days here even though he knew that the patient's surgery could be done within the hour.

This is one thing I love to do when sitting in a café – people watch! Meredith and I would watch people and make up stories to go with them.

Man, clearly on a rush to make it back to the office.

Tall blonde woman in a rush to make her next pedicure appointment.

Man looking rather flustered after just spending his lunch hour with his mistress.

Skinny blonde out a jog to de-stress…Oh my God!

Meredith!

Meredith!

Before, I know it one foot is making its way in front of the other like a speed of light. Running. Running. Run faster. It's her. It has to be her.

"Meredith!" I call, running as fast as I possibly can.

Run faster Derek!

"Derek!" I hear Amelia and Mark shout.

Run faster Derek!

"Meredith!" I call again. "Meredith!" I feel myself scream to catch up with her.

She's right there. She's right there.

"Meredith!" I scream from behind her as I grab her shoulder. She turns to stare…Oh no.

"Uh," I gasp for breath. "I'm…I'm…I'm sorry," I whisper, gasping for air.

"Are you okay?" The woman asks with concern, staring at me with surprise.

"I'm…I'm so sorry," I cry unable to stop myself.

"Derek," I hear a familiar voice from behind me.

"I'm sorry," Mark whispers to the stranger in front of us as he squeezes my shoulder. We watch as the girl jogs off and I suddenly realise that people are beginning to stare as the tears roll down my cheeks but I no longer care.

She's gone. My Meredith is gone.

"Derek…" Mark trails off.

"I thought it was her Mark," I cry. "I thought it was her!"

"I know," he whispers, holding me up in his arms. "I know."

"She's gone Mark," I whisper sadly. "She's really gone."

"Come on Derek," Mark breathes, helping me lean against him to turn back towards the café. "Let's go."

Addison's point of View

I have been waiting for this moment. I have been waiting for this moment for so long but now it is here I feel my nerves are really getting the better of me. This is what I wanted. I made the excuse to get him here but now he is here I am beginning to question whether I am doing the right thing or not. Am I doing this to help him or am I looking for something to help him with to ease my own guilty conscious?

"Can we have a word?" Sam and Naomi ask as they walk through my office door.

"Ever heard of knocking?" I joke, looking between the two of them, before I hit the log off button on my laptop.

"We knocked," Naomi smiles at me. "Didn't you hear?"

"Off in my own world," I laugh lightly. I know why they are here. I know what they want to talk about.

"What can I do for you both?" I ask them as they sit across from me.

"What were you thinking?" Sam asks me, clearly pissed off. "We've just heard from Charlotte that she is off to meet the great Derek Shepherd as he is here for a consult that you insisted on! We agreed to wait and see Addison! We agreed that setting something like this up would be premature! We can't…" Sam trails off as he tries to control his anger.

"I know," I sigh, feeling like a child getting into trouble for stealing a cookie out the cookie jar. "But I feel…"

"You can't be sure it is her Addison," Naomi admonishes, giving me a worried look.

"I am sure. I am…"

Sam scoffs making my anger rise within me. "Amelia showed me her picture. It is her," I insist. I am not backing down on this. I can't.

"You can't be sure," Sam snaps. "And even if it is her…have you thought about the affect this will have on him? It will destroy him Addison."

"His life is destroyed right now!" I yell. "And as much as it will hurt him to know, it will hurt him more if he goes on the way he has been living."

"Why not tell Amelia?" Naomi suggests.

"Well I've said that since Addison got the idea…" Sam starts but I can't take much more.

"It's her!" I snap, getting up from my chair as I'm getting agitated sitting, watching them as if they're the ones who are a couple. "Derek has to be the first one to know. It can't be Amelia," I insist.

"Why not?" Sam and Naomi ask together.

"Because Derek needs to be needed. He's the one who needs to be the hero. If anyone was going to save her, it would be Derek," I explain.

"Addison," Sam sighs. "It will take a lot of convincing on his part."

"Have you thought about what will happen if it isn't her?" Naomi interjects. "You will have got Derek's hopes up and then dashed them for…"

"It's her!" I insist, getting exasperated. "I'm telling you, it's Meredith and I will bring her to Derek. One way or another!"

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