Chapter 10 (so epic, it doesn't have a title)
Allison and Elissa started walking to the school, but Brianna hung back. "Wait a minute," she muttered. The clock stopped ticking."All of this has happened in one school day."
"It's alright!" Elissa said. "We still have afterschool!"
"Eurukadabra!" shouted Brianna. "Let's cook the teachers!"
They took off on a wild dash down the stairs (which turned into more of a wild fall) and crashed into/landed on Sweeney Todd. "Hey, Sweeney's okay!" said Allison.
"Yep. That one teacher came in and started shouting about homework and kicked him in the gut and he woke up," replied Brianna.
"And he kind of went berserk and pulled out a razor," added Elissa, making a face.
Allison opened her mouth to ask what happens next, but stopped and sniffed the air. "What's that glorious smell pervading the air?"
"Rosie knows how to cook pie," said Brianna and Elissa in unison. "Remember Willy Wonka?" added Elissa.
"MRF!"
"What was that?" asked Brianna.
"Did someone fart?"
"MRF WFPH HEH MURF OMFP MEH!"
"Oh, hi Sweeney!" said Allison.
"What's Sweeney doing here?" ask Brianna. Her eyes widened with realization and she answered her own question. "We totally forgot about him. Oops."
"Yes, you did," snapped Sweeney, standing up and brushing off his clothes.
"Oops. Well, gotta go. Don't want Rosie to burn something." Brianna dashed off yelling "!"
"We better go to," said Elissa. "Come on, Allison! You to, Mr. Todd."
They started off down the hallway to see a disco light and people doing weird dance moves.
"You're some bee, retain the melody! So come on dance send me cheerios Japan eat a hand, I'm yours only yours is no lie Misa in de club say I'm not afraid of dancin'!" blasted the music from surround sound speakers in the middle of the room.
"WHAT HAPPENED HERE!" bellowed Allison.
"KATIRA WAS LISTENING TO THE CARAMELDANSEN WHEN SHE DISCOVERED THE SCHOOL'S –" Elissa paused and coughed from shouting, "MONEY SO SHE BOUGHT ALL THIS."
"EVEN THE DANCERS?"
"SPEAK UP!"
Sweeney sighed and walked on. The smell of Rosie's pie was good, but before he could notice anything else, he walked into a man who smelled like he bathed in man perfume. "Hello," the guy said in a deep throaty voice, and tilted his head. "You new here?" he said, trying to strike up a conversation.
"Maybe…." Said Sweeney, backing away. He squinted at the guy. Hey, maybe he could use a shave. He was just contemplating how to get the guy in his barber chair when . . .
"Hi!" chirped a voice. Willy Wonka skipped up to Sweeney and the guy.
Sweeney shrieked a girlish scream that only the bats in the attic could hear. "What is it?" asked the guy.
"I thought you DIED and where EATEN!" screamed Sweeney, hiding behind Guy.
Guy tilted his head again. "Huh, bet there's a funny story behind all this."
Allison and Elissa ran in and stopped short of running into Willy Wonka. They screamed too.
"I don't understand why everyone is freaking out. It was just an Oompa Loompa in that pie, not the real me. Like I was going to let myself be eaten." said Willy Wonka.
"So you're an Oompa Loompa?" asked Allison.
Rosie was putting the next pie above the campfire in the middle of the room when Brianna ran in. "Yo," said Brianna, making a peace sign. "Got any pies?"
Rosie pointed to a pile of mini pies. Grabbing three, Brianna left.
Edward jogged around the campus park again. He was bored with this life. Where were the sexy, vampire loving chicks? So far he had been attacked by acne covered, drooling creeps screaming "FAIRY!" twice.
Wait, what was this?
HIS
EXFINITY TV
MOMENT
Humans take a dump at least once in their life. Unlike vampires, humans had these special things called potties. And for some reason, every human seemed OBSESSED with them. Like you could find one any practically any building!
He had found his solution.
Edward slinked along the hallway, receiving weird looks. He saw one of the bathroom thingies and burst through the door. A guy using a urinal stared at Edward and the body shaped hole behind him. Edward turned and ran out the hole in the door.
He ran across the hall and into the other bathroom.
"We will get the fairy!" sobbed the over-emotional leader, wiping her eyes with one hand and scratching her head with the other.
"Uhm, leader?" drooled a minion.
The leader sniffed. "What?" she snapped.
"The fairy is here."
Everyone turned around. Edward tightened his grip on the sink.
"GET HIM!" They screamed.
Edward turned around and ran screaming through the gigantic mirror behind him.
Coincedently, Bellatrix needed to take a dump as well. She stood infront of the bathrooms, debating to go in the right one or the left one.
She heard screams and glass shattering (that's what she heard) in the right one, so she ran in. Edward ran back though the mirror followed by even MORE fans from the men's room.
Bella looked at the glittering man and found
HER
XFINITY
TV
MOMENT
Grabbing her wand, she blasted the fans to frikin' smitherins like in the western movies!
Edward turned around. "Why thank you, Miss - ?"
Bellatrix giggled and straightened her hair. "I'm Bellatrix. It's nice to meet you!"
"Bellatrix? That reminds me, this idiot human girl named Bella actually thought I liked her." He snorted. "I'm so glad I found you. You're much better."
"How do you know?" asked Bellatrix.
"Because you haven't chased me squealing."
They ended up a good couple. Spoiler alert - they were never nice people, and their vampire-witch children ate more than one wizard at Hogwarts. But they were perfect - for each other.
Brianna ran into the office. "Who likes pie!" She grinned maniaclly and held out the pies.
There were only four teachers left, Mrs. Bonehead had retired, the Principal joined the Society of Unseen Voices, Sweeney had killed two, and all the tutors had run away.
Guy came in and grabbed one. So did two other teachers who aren't important because they all died at that moment. The one teacher left was an extremely nice person, who, fortunatly, was not traumatized from the recent event.
Brianna kicked Allison and Elissa out of the hallway and started tying yellow 'Caution' tape over everything. Popular Girl, Blonde, and Wanna Be walked up the hall to Brianna.
"Like, what are you doing, WalMart clothes?" asked Popular Girl.
"Yeee~aah 3," said Blonde.
"I, uh, I second that!" said Wanna Be.
Blonde and Popular Girl turned to her.
"SHUT. UP." said Popular Girl.
"Yeee~aah 3."
Wanna Be looked away, embarrassed.
"Why do you do what they say?" asked Brianna.
"I asked you a question!" snapped Popular.
Brianna picked up a stray razor and started flipping it out and folding back up, her back to Popular. "So, why do you?"
Wanna Be turned red. "B-because I really am Justin Bieber's clone! I was genetically altered to be a female and I escaped! I have to sing for them or they'll turn me in!"
Brianna laughed so hard she dropped the razor. "Lame censoreds," she gasped. She regained her composure. "F them they can sing Justin B. songs themselves. F them you don't give a censored if they turn you in because they're total censoreds."
"And what exactly does 'censored' mean?" asked Wanna, raising an eyebrow.
"There's some censored things it means, a wanna be, a loser, something awesome, anything you want," said Brianna.
"Okay," J.B. clone smirked. "I am now Censored Bieber."
"Cough cough that's what she said," muttered Brianna.
Censored whacked Brianna over the head with a microphone.
"Well, it's cleaning day, so get the word/censored out, you sane freaks!" screamed Brianna, exhibiting her lack of a mind.
Popular Girl and Blonde ran away as fast as their designer platform heels could take them, not because of Brianna's short rant, but because a blood stained Sweeney appeared behind her holding the bodies of their favorite teachers.
"Well, I'm gonna stay here." announced Censored.
"You do that, sweetheart," replied Brianna, nodding over-enthusiasticaly.
"And I'm gonna cut my hair," said Censored.
"What hair?" said Sweeney and Brianna simmaltaniously.
Censored whipped off her hat. A foutain of blonde hair flowed down. Brianna reached for the phone while still watching Censored unfold her hair. "Operator?" she whispered in awe. "I need a hair salonist."
The tone answered, "Welcome to the future, honey. We don't have operators."
Rosie piled the last of the pies onto a plate. She went down the hallway to the feed the preschoolers. She sat the platter on a table and handed out the food, making sure no one went through the line twice.
"Are you into zombie apocolypses?" said a voice.
Rosie turned around, still handing out pies. "Yeah?"
"We need someone to help us with our zombie apocolypses! The more the better!" the speaker was a scruffy dude missing a shoe and covered in banana peels.
"Hey!" said Rosie. "You're the host of 'Trash Cans; ALIVE!"
"Yeah, except now it's 'The Dead; ALIVE!"
"I'm in!" Rosie shook his hand then turned to the evil little children. "Share," she said.
The wigmaker cut 15 wigs worth of hair from Censored before she left, showering them in about 800 gran cash and handing each a $1999 check.
"I like this lady," said Censored.
Rosie ran in, then jumped back and hissed. "One of the Sanes!"
"It's okay!" Brianna waved her hands in Rosie's face. "She's a Justin Bieber clone who had Rapunzel hair we sold for all this money and three checks!"
"Sounds crazy."
"EXACTLY!"
"Well," Rosie cleared her throat. "I came to say, I'm joining 'The Dead; ALIVE!' hosted by a scruff guy with no personal hygiene."
Brianna and Sweeney looked at each other. "I just killed three people." said Sweeney. "I can't cook!" said Brianna.
"Pfft yeah right. You made apple pie for me once. And if you don't want to, Mrs. Lovett can." Rosie hugged Brianna and Sweeney, grabbed her backpack and ran off.
"Speaking of, where is Mrs. Lovett?"
"So, can I call you Eleanor?" asked Tim/Bob.
"Uhm, okay?" said Mrs Lovett.
"Or how about 'Helena'?"
"Erk..."
"Do you believe in reincarnation?"
"You ask a LOT of questions," Mrs Lovett pointed out. "It's been fifty since we came here."
"Who's countin'?" said Tim/Bob in a hick accent he thought sounded extremely sexy. Which, FYI, it DIDN'T.
"Why do ask me stuff like this?" cried Mrs Lovett. "I don't know who besides me is counting, I don't know what reincarnation, why do you care what my first name is, and why do you wonder if you can meet my parents?"
Tim/Bob cleared his throat. "Well, Eleanor, I think you might be the one I'm looking for."
"EWWW!" screamed Mrs Lovett. "I'm with Mr. Todd and I think you're disgusting!" She jabbed his in the chest. "For one thing, TAKE A FRIKING BATH!" Jab. "STOP SLEEPING IN THE GUTTER!" Jab. "AND STOP HITTING ON ME!"
She threw her drink over his head and stormed out of the bar.
The dance floor now had been cleared of the speakers and tables set up like a Japanese joint. Katira, Elissa, Allison, and Jazmin had ordered the food, and, with a little help from Anna, Brianna, Censored, and Imari, had set up the food court.
Mrs Lovett stored down the stairs and through the sushi bar, almost crushing a table.
"Hey!" yelled Brianna. "You almost killed the sake!"
"Mr. Todd!" wailed Mrs Lovett.
"Yeah what?" said Sweeney, not looking up from the meat grinder.
"That ... guy - "
"Which guy?"
"The scruffy one, he"
"The scruffy one who hired Rosie?"
"What? No, Tim/Bob."
"Yeah, what about him?"
"...Never mind."
"Okay."
Mrs. Lovett facepalmed.
Brianna ran in screaming, "THEY'RE COMING!"
"Who?" asked Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney.
"New students! Next year!" Hollered Brianna.
"Who are they?" asked Mrs. Lovett.
"Let me see," Brianna replied, picking up a list, "Sierra Mist, her boyfriend Pikachu, and ... " Brianna's voice trailed off and her eyes grew to the size of saucers.
"What is it?"
"I-I know this person," she stuttered.
"Who?"
"Kristine."
The new student list had been taped to one of the walls, the sushi eaten and the surround sound speakers hidden away. It was the last day.
"Well," said Tim/Bob, looking around the assembled school. There was only Sweeney, Mrs. Lovett, Nice Teacher, Willy Wonka, and the seven students left. "We have three new students next year and are in need of more teachers."
All the students groaned.
"SO," Tim/Bob said, "Sweeney, Nice Teacher, and" eyebrow wiggle "Eleanor, will be staying."
"What about meee~ee?" asked Willy Wonka.
"Your hair sucks, man!" yelled Brianna.
"Uh, well, the preschool teachers have kindly allowed you to work there with out a background check."
"Hey!" yelled Sweeney. "What about us?"
"You're working here, duh?" said Tim/Bob. He clapped his hands briskly and turned to the audience. "So, everyone happy with their new positions?"
Before Sweeney could protest again, Willy Wonka replied, "Gee, that'd be swell."
End/First Year Of Campus Mental Society