Chapter One
"So what about you? What are you going to do?"
A tragic, resigned look in his eyes; a memory of his haggard smile.
Mists of dreams drip along the nascent echo and love no more. End of line.
Starbuck? Apollo. Where are you on dradis?
"I just know that I am done here."
I'm trying to get a fix on you…
So trust me. I'll fly your wing.
"Kara!"
…Back in the stream that feeds the ocean that feeds the stream…
Consciousness, returning. There, on the edge of her mind, just out of reach.
All of this has happened before, and will happen again...again...again...again...again...
Kara Thrace came awake in her cockpit with the force of a punch in the gut and a blaze of divine light. She took great gasping breaths that hurt her lungs like hell; it felt as if her body had been turned right side out.
…As my lone existence comes to a close, only to begin anew, in ways uncertain…
Her instrument panel beeped incessantly in sharp, measured beats. Warning. Pull up now. Warning. Blue flashes like lightening through the cloud cover.
A voice shouting in her ear from the past:
"Pull up now… or your dead."
But she wasn't.
I'm alive.
Some part of her pulled it together, made her realize she'd like to stay that way. Kara's hand heeded his voice, fell into place. She pulled up with all her strength, the force of the sudden acceleration coupled with the abrupt change in trajectory slammed her back into the seat, she soared upward into the clear and away from the planet's crushing atmosphere. Her breath misted against her helmet shield as she warily looked out the window to the space below. No swirling angry colors in a whirlpool of fate awaited her there. Nothing but clouds and dark sky. But they were familiar clouds, familiar sky. She'd followed a heavy raider through them once...not so long ago.
Struggling through the disorientation, she righted the viper and changed course back to Galactica on pure instinct. She flew on auto, not really watching her panel or answering the shouts over her comm.
A moment ago she'd been standing next to Lee, on a planet so blue, so green, it hurt just to look at it. She had taken them there, all of them, had listened to the music and entered the numbers. So why was she here, now, in this moment?
She could just make out Lee's viper in the distance.
Had it all been a dream? Or was this the dream?
It felt real, but then so had all that had come before. Maybe this was the result of some kind of cosmic reset button? Maybe whoever was in control of all this was having a laugh at her expense. She'd frakked something up the first time and now they were forcing her to keep going through it until she got it right.
Kara hesitated a moment more, breath hitching. A knot heavy and sickening in the pit of her stomach. She cleared her throat then falteringly requested clearance to approach and configured her landing as she'd done a thousand times before. Right now, Kara might not have a place to land, but Starbuck always did.
She shut her eyes and took a long, shuddering breath. It filled her lungs, it burned. Her eyelids fluttered up and she stared out into the blackness of space.
What the frak was going on here? Because this sure didn't look like any kind of afterlife she'd ever heard of.
All of this has happened before, and will happen again…
It hummed in the back of her brain, like a voice in a crowded room that you've subconsciously tuned into above all others.
She gritted her teeth, filled with a strange sort of pain.
"Frak me."
Her viper was still powering down with a familiar hum. She waited impatiently in the cockpit until she was cleared and the windshield slid free. She removed her helmet with shaking hands, and breathed deeply of the familiar scent of Galactica, shaking. She was this close to being sick all over the instruments.
She struggled to disentangle herself from her collar, climbed out of the seat with awkward movements; temporarily robbed of her usual spare grace. She had just managed to hop off the ladder, trip and swear when she saw him.
He was rushing towards her. The sense of having already lived this moment hit her hard.
Lee, rushing past the cynical crowd. A crowd filled with people who stared and whispered and thought the worst. She hardly had the chance to notice them as Chief's suspicious face disappeared behind Lee's shoulder. Unconditional acceptance, wrapping her up, forcing her to take notice: Lee Adama loves Kara Thrace- and he doesn't care who frakkin' knows.
"Are you okay?" His voice was hoarse, an almost desperate edge to his words. His words didn't fit in her memory, hauling her back to the present. He was still a few yards away but steadily marching towards her.
Kara turned in a half circle, gaze falling on the familiar, on what should have been the past.
She tried to remember what it had been like before she had gone into that planet's atmosphere and effectively ended her life.
Her thoughts centered on a memory of sitting in the memorial hallway watching the candle wax burn, dripping into the shape of a destiny she still did not fully understand. She'd been hanging by a thread then. Trying so hard to hold the pieces of her together. It seemed like a very long time ago. Like she'd lived another life in the space between. Perhaps she had.
She unzipped her jock-smock with a forceful pull and let the blessedly cool air flow over her heated skin.
If this was just another go around, did this mean she knew what was coming, or was everything going to be different now? What had she ever done to deserve this kind of manipulation?
The confusion threatened to overwhelm her and she bent at the waist, hands on her knees. She swallowed deep, calming breaths. She had never been sick on the flight deck and she wasn't going to start now.
She blew a damp strand of hair out of her eyelashes and stared at the legs of the man that had just stopped before her. She straightened slowly, taking him in, meeting the cobalt blue and the acute concern there with as much dignity as she could pull together in the time it took him to speak.
"What the hell were you thinking, Kara?" Broken, disbelieving. He was breathing hard, helmet tucked beneath his right arm. She could see the cold sweat glistening on his brow beneath the flight deck lights. "You could have been killed."
Hysterical laughter bubbled up inside her. She swallowed it, made a sharp little choking sound as tears came to her eyes.
She saw his expression darken, he thought she was mocking him. Or insane. Probably both.
He stepped into her space, close enough to breathe her air. Hers came a little faster then, too, as it always did when he got too close.
"Kara Thrace, I don't know what is going on with you," he whispered fiercely, "But you just gave me the worst scare of my life."
She hesitated in the face of his anger, lost, then she grinned and hoped he wouldn't notice those hysterical tears she blinked away as she did, "I can't promise it'll be the last."
He swore. His helmet hit the deck with a clunk.
"Can you promise me it'll be the last today, Kara?" So severe. She watched his eyes, feeling more vulnerable now than ever. He flinched at her scrutiny and she had a flash of understanding.
He wasn't angry, he was afraid. Afraid at what had just happened. In his mind, he had went to bat for her with the Admiral, kept her on flight duty. And this was how she repaid him. By scaring the hell out of him.
She understood, but it was too much right now. What did he want from her? She'd pulled up eventually…this time.
Kara crossed her arms, barely holding on to herself. Bluffing.
"I don't know, what time is it?" she finally returned, tone almost apologetic.
He exhaled sharply and shook his head, turning away from her, distraught and clearly not having it.
"Lee?" she leaned forward a little further, head weaving until she caught his eye, "I'm sorry…"
He ran a hand roughly across the back of his neck.
She struggled to find words for something that made even less sense to herself, "I just…blacked out for a second there…" she finished lamely.
Another exhale from him. Incredulous, "You just blacked out." He looked away for a moment, then back, leaning in a little further now too. "My gods Kara,you came this close…"
His jaw clenched so tightly, she feared it would shatter the bone, "I never should have let you go up again…if you-"
Kara shook her head, "Lee, it's not your fault-"
He reached up suddenly and laid a hand to the back of her head. As he did, the metallic gleam circling his finger caught her eye. Dee.
"So how are things with Dee?"
"…The best they've ever been."
He brought her close and fervently pressed his lips to her forehead and she forgot to care.
She inhaled a shuddering breath and breathed him in deeply. This, she knew. This felt familiar, felt right. Always. She reached up and grabbed his upper arms, her fingers digging into his shoulders. Her muscles trembled in protest.
"It's funny, after all that we've been through, we are right back where we started…"
"What am I going to do with you, Kara Thrace?" he whispered, brokenly. So scared for her.
"You're the CAG and I'm…I'm you're hotshot problem pilot. I guess that's all we'll ever be now…"
The memory pissed her off. They had been more. Just minutes ago, standing on that green planet, they were more. But now it seemed as if only she would remember that journey. Kara pulled way, frustrated.
"Are we done here?" She bit out, running an impatient hand through her damp hair. It was shorter again; it felt thicker, blunt. She'd almost forgotten the feel. It felt…right. Everything, even that, had felt wrong the first time she'd come back from the dead.
Maybe I'm getting better with practice.
She bit into the fullness of her bottom lip and tried very hard not to cry, or perhaps to laugh manically. She couldn't be sure.
Guilt? Embarrassment? Hurt? flushed the skin pulled sharply across his cheekbones at her sharp dismissal.
"I'm sorry," her hand fell lightly on the side of his chest, unsure of how to touch him. She gave him a little shove, "Shouldn't have said it like that." Her eyes pleaded forgiveness. Lee glanced down at her fingers on the front of his flight suit, then slowly back to her eyes. She knew that expression. He couldn't read her, but he was trying to.
They both became aware of Chief striding towards them and turned in unison. Her hand fell to her side.
"Everything okay, Major?" Chief parked himself at their side and turned to her, eyes searching hers. Just as Lee's had, but without the tenderness. "Quite a stunt there, Captain."
He ran a hand over the viper's pitted surface.
His forced calm didn't fool her for a second. He, too, was royally pissed at her. Unlike Lee though, it was more the recklessness with the viper-not her life-that pissed him off.
Kara followed his movements, wondering almost absently if he already realized he was a cylon. She hadn't been on Galactica at this point in time before. What had she missed back then? Did she even care?
She didn't realize she'd stayed silent too long until the Chief's eyes narrowed, his dark eyes roaming her face with a measure of concern. Searching for visible signs of the mental illness she'd just exhibited up in the sky?
"Captain…Are you alright?"
Lee's hand suddenly wrapped around her upper arm as he spoke to the other man, "We'll take care of the post-flight checklists later?"
It was more statement than question. She had just enough time to see the Chief nod in agreement before Lee was pulling her forward to fall into line with him.
She matched his stride, not even struggling. What was the point? She caught the worried glance Lee slid in her direction. Whether it was due to her possible meltdown, or her easy acceptance of his direction was unclear.
"So, where we headed?" she tried her best to sound calm and rational.
"To the infirmary. Doc Cottle's going to have another look at you," he was staring straight ahead again. She sighed roughly though she'd seen this coming.
"Great," she muttered, "This should be fun."
Could the Doc's examination please tell her what the frak was going on here as well? Because that would be far more helpful than anything he could tell her about her mental health.
Lee's fingers suddenly flexed on her arm.
She glanced at his determined profile, felt a rush of messy emotion but reigned it in again.
"I'm not going anywhere, Lee. You can let go now."
"Not a chance."
"Well, everything still checks out physically," the cantankerous, white-haired doctor muttered, pushing off the stool next to Kara's infirmary bed.
Cottle glanced at Lee at her side, then shook his head and walked away, holding her chart and a blood sample. He was still muttering as he went and it sounded suspiciously like "Always been damned odd, anyhow..." to Kara's ears.
She swung her legs over the side of the bed and chanced a glance at Lee. He was watching her, clearly still very concerned.
"See? All clear, nothing to see here," she said firmly, slapping her palms down on the bed at her sides.
"I'm still going to have to ground you, Kara. At least for a while. You know that," the words were gentle but firm. No argument. He leaned back against the edge of the bed next to her and crossed his arms.
She stretched her jaw and nodded. She'd expected nothing less.
"I hate to do it," he was looking down at the floor, "But I can't chance putting you in the cockpit again when you're…struggling like this."
Kara took pity on him. She smiled ruefully, "You've gotta do what you've gotta do, Lee."
He stared at her in complete surprise for a moment, then laughed that quiet little laugh she kind of loved, "No, no wait. Hold up." His torso twisted towards her as if he were sharing a confidence, "This is the part where you blow up at me, we have a huge public argument that makes everyone in the room stare and feel uncomfortable, and then I threaten to pull you off flight duty permanently."
She gratefully played along, fell into the old rhythm. "Damn," she lowered her eyebrows for a second, staring straight ahead, "I must have missed my cue."
There was that laugh again. She felt a little of the heaviness weighing on her chest ease.
"Kara," they both looked up at the interruption, "I've been looking for you. Are you okay? I heard about what happened..."
The rush of relief to see him- coherent and sound no less-took all thought from her brain for a moment.
"Sam," it came out sounding surprised.
Lee nodded to the other man and straightened to go, "Hey, Sam."
"Lee."
Sam turned his focus back to her, still clearly worried. She stared at his mobile, expressive face for a moment then shook off the tragic memories of him that he didn't share.
"I'm fine now, Sam. Really," she kept her expression open and calm, "Doc says I probably just need more rest." Actually, he'd recommended a psychologist as well, but Sam seemed to accept her answer because his posture visibly relaxed.
"I've got to get back," Lee caught her eye, "I'm here if you need me." She knew he meant it.
Another nod for Sam and he was gone.
Kara lay in her bunk that night, grounded from flight status until she could prove she was mentally stable, staring up at the rack above her. She was now probably considered truly insane by half of the squadron, most of the deck hands, and all of the CIC. What was new?
Kara closed her sore eyes and thought of verdant fields and azure skies. Of new beginnings and fresh starts. It hurt to think of it. Of its smell, of its beauty. Of the friend and lover who'd stood beside her.Of how much she'd wanted to just let it all slip away, free from the bonds of destiny. To lay down beside him there in the grass and stare at the fathomless sky above until she grew dizzy. To do nothing but live for days and days.
Her chest ached, she swallowed tears of frustration. Deep down, she felt sure she still knew the way to that place, that planet. But what if she couldn't get them back this time? What if they didn't let her?
A particularly painful memory resurfaced-lying on the cold, unforgiving brig floor, an unholy scream tearing from her throat. You're going the wrong way…
She wouldn't go through that again. She couldn't.
She rubbed at her tired eyes and tried to drown out the noise of the pilots laughing and screwing around in the bunkroom, mere feet away.
Someone fell hard against her bunk, shaking the entire frame. Frak this.
She yanked her bunk's curtain aside and stuck her head out, frowning fiercely, "Can you mother frakkers please keep it down a little? Some of us are trying to sleep."
A couple of pilots snickered, but only Racetrack spoke up, "Sure Captain. Wouldn't want you so tired you go chasing after invisible heavy raiders again."
Someone behind Racetrack snickered, "But those are the deadliest kind!"
"And, probably the only kind you would be capable of shooting out of the sky, nugget," Kara replied, with a tilt of her head. She stared them all down thoroughly, then disappeared behind her curtain once more.
Save a few good-natured chuckles at the nugget's expense, and some whispers along the lines of "She's finally lost her frakking mind completely", the noise died down almost immediately as they all either put in their own rack time or left through the hatch.
Kara threw herself back onto the thin mattress and went over it again…and again... until she fell into a sort of trance born of exhaustion and uncertainty.
If all of this has happened before…We should be headed for the Ionian Nebula right about now…The rebel Cylons will eventually ally with us because of the final five…Do we still destroy the Hub?….How do we find it this time if I'm on board Galactica?…
She ran an absent hand over her hair repeatedly, leaving it sticking out in all directions.
What if we went after Cavil right now and blew him to kingdom come? Or should we head straight to the new Earth and hope he doesn't follow?... How can we avoid the frakkin' mutiny…I have to protect Sam from that bullet…
Her hand fell to her side, blond lashes slowly fluttered shut over hazel eyes.
"Good luck on your journey, Kara Thrace…I believe you"…But what if this time's different?...What if no one believes me at all?...Or maybe I have just lost my frakkin' mind…
She finally sank into a dreamless sleep.