Chapter 23: What's a Girl to Do?
November 2002, The Manor's Greenhouse
"Mimi, Unca Luc haf a ke-kestun for you."
"And what's that sweetums?"
"Wiwl you mawwy him?"
*Thump*
**
Hermione opened her eyes slowly, hoping perhaps that it would be night and she might have simply slept the afternoon away. Damn. Two curious faces peered down at her …or was it one? One. Right. Ok… easy does it. And cue the eager little four-year old.
"Mimi! Gettt up!" he said in that exasperating, but adorably cute, tone of voice.
"Just a minute, little one, Mimi's a bit bamboozled." She heard the little one toddle just a few meters away on the gravely path and then stop.
"Mimi says she's bam .. bamb … bambloobled," the word came tumbling out of the earnest little Teddy Lupin's mouth, and both Lucius and Hermione had to fight not to laugh.
"Well, perhaps Teddy, my man, we shall have to un … 'blooble' her."
Hermione heard two sets of footsteps coming back to her position on the ground and then she was looking up into the face of her beloved Teddy as well as that of Lucius Malfoy.
"Hello, my dear," drawled Lucius Malfoy in an amused sort of voice. Hermione wasn't sure whether she should be relieved that he wasn't hurt by her fainting or hurt that he was laughing at her.
"Fancy meeting you here, Lucius."
He was chuckling now. "Yes, indeed." He turned to Teddy and winked, "Now Ted, what was that question we had for Mimi?"
Teddy looked pensieve for a moment and then brightened like a Christmas tree, "Oh! Mimi, wiwl you mawwy Unca Luc?"
He looked so hopeful that Hermione hated to say anything but "yes." However, she knew that the time had come to actually talk seriously with Lucius." She sat up slowly, Lucius helping to support her back and she pulled Teddy close. She looked him straight in the eye and asked softly, "Teddy, Mimi wants to think about it. But are you sure that it's what you would be happy with too?" She ignored the stiff Lucius behind her and focused all of her attention on the little boy that had become her world in three short years.
Teddy nodded fervently and said sweetly, "Teddy loves Unca Luc! An' Unca Luc make Mimi happy! Happy Mimi make Teddy happy, and happy Teddy make everyone happy!"
Hermione pulled the little boy close and looked over her shoulder at Lucius who was blinking softly. She mouthed with a soft grin, "Out of the mouth of babes."
He smiled and pulled the little boy gently out of Hermione's arms. "Teddy, why don't you go run into the house and see what Grimsby is baking for you?"
Teddy giggled and clapped his hands, trotting off immediately to go find the poor house elf.
Hermione shook her head, "I swear, you are going to have to pay that house elf more if you're going to keep shuffling Teddy off on him." She scooted in an attempt to regain her feet, but found that her legs were rather unsteady.
Lucius grinned, "So that means you aren't going to move out immediately?" He lifted her up into his arms and then carried her over to the closest bench, sitting down with her on his lap.
She shifted and then stiffened, glaring at him. He smirked sneakily at her and pinned her arms to her side. "You said you wanted to talk, Miss Granger. So let's talk."
She rolled her eyes. "I … Lucius, it was just a bit of a surprise is all. We haven't really talked about anything like that! Even when you asked me to move in, it wasn't any real in depth decision – it just made sense so we did it."
He nodded, "Yes, and marriage seems like the logical next step, don't you think?"
She paused, "Well … for normal people, yes."
He arched a brow. "And we aren't normal?" He asked drolly.
She shook her head fervently. "No!" She paused, "Well, I mean … no one knows about us! Normally that would be a logical step."
He sighed, "Yes, but I'll admit that was a bit of a reason I asked you. If they find out and we're already married, there is very little that they can do."
Hermione smiled sadly and shook her head, "There isn't much that they could do even if we weren't married." She sighed and looked up at the sky. "I'm sorry my friends are making this so difficult. I just … I don't know how to break it to them." She lay her forehead on his broad shoulder, tired of the weight her thoughts carried. "You just, I know you understand, but it was your house where your friends tried to kill all of us. Your ex-sister-in-law is the reason Harry's closest people to parent's aren't alive and your son betrayed the entirety of Hogwarts."
Lucius made to put her off of his lap and she stilled his movements while taking a breath, "However that does not mean that you haven't changed. It doesn't mean that you and Draco do not regret some actions and it doesn't mean in any way that I do not understand why you did exactly what you did. I know that I am responsible for many others' misery today and I fight with that every day."
She put a finger over his opening lips, "I just … I know if I can get over it, eventually they can too. But I don't know if they will want to get over it. Why bother making the effort if I'm expendable as it is?" She blinked back tears. "I really don't want to find out that I'm expendable."
Lucius blinked at this rather unexpected revelation and stilled his earlier retorts that had risen. Instead he watched the witch he had come to rely upon in some form or another try and pull herself together. He debated what to say, and then decided that perhaps a form of truth would be the best. "You aren't expendable. Why do you think I want to marry you, silly woman? The thought of you taking Teddy and going back to Andy's home without me is something I avoid contemplating."
He paused as though it was painful to share the feelings, and Hermione had to wonder if perhaps it was, in its own way. "Hermione, we've both come a long way from where we started out. The people we've developed into over the past years are distinctly different than the people we were when we first met in that bookstore." He looked into her eyes, "And I have no clue why you've stayed with an old man like me, but I have to think that if you've put up with me for three years, maybe you could put up with me for longer?"
Her eyes softened and she cupped his cheek with her palm, touched that the normally reserved man was willing to let go a little of his pride to help her understand better. "Lucius, you are hardly old, and as we've discussed many times, I'm hardly interested in meek little boys still wet behind their ears. I'll admit that I'm worried about the reaction of your associates and even more of your son." She nodded at the pain in his eyes at the mention of Draco, "I know you two are estranged and I don't want to add any fuel to that fire."
Lucius sighed, "Honestly, I don't know if things will ever change, but you would hardly be fuel. That fire was ignited long before he even went to Hogwarts. Perhaps that's why I'm so desperate to keep Teddy here." He placed a hand over hers on his cheek, "You both are my salvation, my proof that I'm not a horrible old man."
She chuckled, "Oh, I'm sure some of your coworkers would agree that you are, but I've never found that to be true." She sighed and leaned against him, wondering if his legs were asleep yet under her weight. "So, were those the only reasons you wanted to marry me?"
Lucius chuckled, "Well, I'll admit the idea of unrestricted sex is appealing and the fact that I could claim you as mine to anyone who cared to contest me is motivating."
Hermione shook her head and mumbled something that sounded very similar to, "Men!"
Lucius smirked, but his tone turned slightly serious, "I will also admit that I wanted your reputation to be protected should anything happen."
Hermione looked up at him sharply and he found himself lost when her eyes teamed with tears. She stood quickly and paced for a few minutes mumbling softly.
**
Lucius was slightly perplexed as he watched the woman he awaited to become his fiancée pace like a madwoman. He went over his words syllable by syllable searching for some slip he might have made, but unerringly came up with nothing; which led him to the assumption that she had clearly kept something from him, and he would simply have to wait it out – so he waited.
Hermione knew she had to face the music as it were. It was time. But oh god, why does there have to be a time?! She paused in her pacing and took a few deep breaths, then turned and faced Lucius.
"About that "anything happening" thing … it won't," she stated softly, letting the words float in the crisp air, awaiting his reaction.
Lucius kept his face still, even while his thoughts began to whirl. "I'm afraid you'll have to expound upon that statement, my dear. I don't quite understand."
She sighed and moved to sit on the bench beside him, bowing her head and looking at the ground. "It started that night at the Ministry, I'm sure you remember?" She didn't wait for a response but could feel him stiffen at the mention of that horrible night. "It was Dolohov, he sent off some sort of curse before we could take him down. It hit me right in the abdomen, you've seen the scar."
He nodded but said nothing, letting her continue with the story.
"Well, Madame Pomfrey healed it, or we thought she did. During the years that followed I obviously didn't have much downtime and apparently took on a few other Dark curses during the final battle. A few months after the end of things, I started getting severe body tremors and migraines, my limbs would collapse and I had no idea why. They generally happened when no one was watching, but George Weasley saw one episode, although he thought I was merely drunk off my arse."
Lucius snorted at the absurd idea, considering anyone who had been drinking with Hermione would know she had the ability to drink an Irishman under the table – heaven forbid she not have control of any aspect of her life.
She twiddled her fingers for a moment, but continued. "I went into St. Mungo's and they started doing tests on me to figure out what was wrong. I kept it from Harry and Ron, I think that was the beginning of the end for us, truthfully. I didn't want to burden them with yet another thing. They were both beginning to rebuild and recover; it didn't seem fair to pull them down with me." She sighed and Lucius fought the urge to comment.
Hermione felt the thoughts hammering at her forehead, anxious to spill themselves as she fought to control her emotions. "I found out during one of my exams that Lavender was pregnant. About two years later and a hell of a lot of visits later, I found out I could never be. Dolohov's curse essentially crippled my womb and mangled the tubes. Unfortunately that was only one effect; it also caused a lot of nerve damage and muscle damage, ultimately affecting my lower bones. The cartilage is depleting at an accelerated rate - it's a bit like the Muggle disease, arthritis, but not quite. The Healers can't fix it, but they've slowed it some. However, they still only give me until I'm about 60 to be up and about. Around there I'll need to be put in a wheelchair, because my joints with have deteriorated and my pain levels will be severely high. "
She looked over at his stunned face, "I didn't tell you at first because we weren't that serious, and then I was scared that you would reject me. I wanted you to be with me for whom I was without the disease. And when we moved in together, I comforted myself saying that once it got too bad, I could leave and not be a burden to you."
She took a deep breathe and then let the words spill. "But now you've asked me to marry you, and the only thing I want to do is accept, but you needed to know that I could never give you another child – that's why I latched onto Teddy as much as I did. But I can never have a baby of my own; I can never be a full wife to you, Luc." She didn't turn her head away, forcing herself to memorize his shocked face and hurt eyes.
He turned his head slightly towards her, "I'm trying to process what you've given me, but do you think I could have an hour or two to do so? This is by no means a retraction of the offer; I just need time to think." He sounded like he was in shock, he knew, but he couldn't seem to make his voice lose that monotonic sound.
She nodded, tears blurring her eyes, but knowing that she should give him the same consideration he'd given her.
He nodded stiffly and headed inside, while she remained on the bench outside, head bowed and tiny tears dropping into the gravel walkway.
**
Lucius sat at his desk in shock. She'd kept something this major from him for that long?! She was barren. Barren, because – essentially- of him. One of the most wonderful mother's would never be able to have children of her own. How cruel was that irony? Her broken eyes when he first took interest in her suddenly made sense, the sense that her world had been slowly crumbling was finally confirmed years later.
Was she perhaps simply a closeter – placing things like their relationship, her disease, or any unpleasantness in the closet until she absolutely couldn't ignore it anymore? It made no sense, she hated beating around the bush in any aspect, but perhaps, he mused, it's the things that don't have an answer she doesn't want to think about.
She couldn't help that Dolohov - Lucius couldn't believe he'd ever considered himself a colleague of the man – had taken away her option to have children, she couldn't help that she'd fallen in love with the Malfoy patriarch – both things that had no solution, and were completely incompatible with her formative years.
Lucius hung his head, and truly realized the full extent of his actions in the previous years. For a man who had already been forced to change who he was, his morals, and be remorseful for actions he had taken responsibility for – the trial was ironically new. He had finally encountered one of his victims in the flesh, and he was in love with her. He couldn't see how she was able to look at him every day, knowing that he had led the raid that ultimately took her dreams away.
Having never really known her before she found she couldn't have children, he couldn't say how important it had been, but he could tell by the desolation in her eyes that she felt the loss every day of her life.
He stood and paced around the study, trying to overcome the guilt crashing down around him, the hurt that she hadn't told him, and the small pain that came from knowing he would never have a child with her.
He paused and glanced at the sentence written above, how many times did "him" just appear in that sentence? He stood up quickly and rushed out of the study.
**
Hermione had hidden herself away in her library, a lovely room of mint greens, soft blues, and buttery yellows that soothed the soul and took one away from the often dreary days of English weather. She was curled on a comfortable white chaise lounge, the twin of the one in her dressing room, and held her Hogwarts, a History close to her chest, drawing from it the comfort of an old friend that has seen many tears of sadness and happiness. She wasn't sure how Lucius would take what she had told him. They had never really mentioned children outside of the perfunctory questions about whether she had taken her potion or not.
She heard the door creak open and lifted her tear-stained eyes towards the mahogany wood doorway where Lucius stood watching her. She laid the book aside and swung her legs so that her feet could touch the floor. Lucius waved a hand to still her movements and walked to her. He stood in front of her, face unmoving, jaw flexed.
"I regret that you felt the need to hide something this big from me, but if you seriously think that's going to stop me from wanting to marry you, you're mad as a March hare."
Hermione looked at him, stunned.
He sat next to her and looked out unseeingly, "I've overcome a lifelong hatred, prejudices, and preconceived ideas that have led me to being with you. Did you really think that a thing like an incurable illness and an absence of more annoying children would really stop me from keeping you to myself? Hardly, my dear."
Hermione was speechless. She could tell he was fighting some unnamed emotion and knew he probably wasn't saying everything he thought, but sometimes secrets are meant to be kept until they can be better handled. She turned to him and took his cheek in her hand, "Then, Lucius Malfoy, yes, yes I will marry you."
He looked her in the eyes, nodded sharply and then tumbled her backwards onto the chaise lounge with a very passionate snog.
Because what else could you call something that joyful and uncalculated?