Bumper Sticker #4

"This is Sparta! NO! This is Patrick!!"

Characters/Pairings: Hattori Heiji, Toyama Kazuha, Kudo Shinichi/Edogawa Conan, Mouri Ran, Kuroba Kaito, Konosuke Jii, Hakuba Saguru, Haibara Ai/Miyano Shiho, Agasa Hiroshi, Gin, Vodka, Kudo Yusaku, Takagi Wataru, Miyamoto Yumi, Sato Miwako, Chaki Shintaro, Nakamori Ginzo, Gosho Aoyama, a few unimportant OCs (pet shop owner, Spartan, Yusaku's editor, pet shop owner's third cousin, phone company workers). Mentions of HeijixKazuha, TakagixSato, ShinichixRan and KaitoxAoko.

Other Inspirations: "Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring Banana phone!", the need to write something with a bunch o' people in it and the fact that my Detective Conan and Magic Kaito experiences (if not my life) have been scarred by how them weirdo translators decided to change Nakamori-keibu's name (*rocks back and forth in fetal position*).

Warnings: Perhaps OOC or just plain weird? …wait… make that VERY weird. Mostly dialogue. 10 on the Richter Scale of Randomness.

Word Count: 1283

Ring, ring, ring, ring.

"Hello, you've reached Toyama Kazuha. If you're trying to get a hold of me, I'm not available at the moment, so please leave a message after the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. If you're Heiji, press 3."

Beeeep.

Blip.

"Hello, you've reached Toyama Kazuha. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, AHO!"

Beeeep.

"Kazuhaaaaaaaa, will you please pick up the phone? Come on. I know you're sitting right in front of the phone, glaring at the receiver and listening to everything I'm sayiiiiiing! I just want to apologi-"

Click.

"-ize."

Overly-cheery voice. "Hello, you've reached Bob's Pets. How may I help you?"

"What?" Confused.

"Yes, uh, this is Bob's Pet Shop. May I help you, sir?" Equally confused.

Deadpans. "Kazuha, this isn't funny. I can tell it's you."

Nervous laughter. "I'm sorry, but there is no one named Kazuha that works at this shop."

"…"

Click.

Worried. "Shinichi! When are you coming home already??"

"Eh…" Sweatdrop. "Well, that case I was working on, well, it lead to this whole huge thing. It's hard to explain, Ran."

"What the hell?"

"Hattori?!"

"Kudo?!"

"Wait. How do you two know each other?!"

"…" Double sweatdrop.

"We met that one time, Ran, remember? Locked-room murder… Wife was the killer even though Hattori thought it was the old man…"

Deadpans. "Not to mention that we're kind of rivals and all."

Accusing. "Shinichi, there's something you're not telling me here!!"

Whisper. "Hattori, I will get you for this…"

Click.

"Yo, Jii. Are all the preparations ready for tonight's heist?"

Confused. "Who the hell is 'Jii'?"

Jawdrop. Panic. "Tantei-han?!?!"

"What the… Kaitou Kid?!?!"

Poker Face. Voice change. "What? My name is Hakuba Saguru. Who are you?!"

Not buying it. "Nice try, Kid!"

Acquires overly-British accent. "What the bloody hell are you talking about? It's nearly time for tea, you've disrupted me and now you're accusing me of being my arch-nemesis?!"

"…I know it's you, Kid."

"I'm afraid I don't understand what you're saying in the slightest."

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, Kid."

"Wait. You're that Hattori bloke from Osaka, aren't you? We met during that whole amusement park extravaganza."

Deadpans. "Kid, Ku-Conan explained to me that it was you there."

Noises in background. "Ahaha. Seems my tea is ready…"

Click.

"This is SPARTA!"

"No, this is Heiji!!!"

Click.

"Professor? I think I've worked out another possible antidote for the Apotoxin."

"…Alright, what's going on now?"

Brow furrows. "Wait, who-"

Click.

"Gin. Vodka. New assignment. Meet at usual place."

"Of course."

"On our way."

"…?!"

Click.

"For the last time, Kudo-san, you need to have your manuscript done for the deadline! You've already escaped two! If you don't stick to your deadlines, The Night Baron and the Deathly Melons will never be published in time!"

"Ahahaha. Well you see…" Mutters. "Oh how could I forget to unplug the phonelines!"

"No more! Do you know how stressful it is to work for you, Kudo-san?? Have you no mercy???"

"Uh, not gonna lie, but I think you ought to change the title."

"Who is that? Is there someone there with you, Kudo-san?"

"Not that I know of. Who are you?"

Click.

"I swear, Tagaki, you have to ask Sato out this Friday! Trust me!!!"

"Ahahaha… but, uh…" Blush.

"When have I ever let you down?"

"…I seem to recall, Yum-"

"Oh! Come on!!!"

Muttering. "…wrong place, wrong time."

"…?! Who are you?!"

"Sometimes I wonder…"

Click.

"Chaki, we can't let Kid get away with the heist tonight! We have to stop him!!"

"Yes, sir."

"We're not going to be duped this time. I want security doubled and everyone checked, double-checked and triple-checked before going anywhere NEAR that jewel."

"Yes, sir."

"I'm going to capture Kid or my name isn't Inspector Mace Fuller!"

"Uh, sir, that isn't your name."

"Wait… what?"

"'Mace Fuller'? Your name is Nakamori Ginzo, sir."

"CURSE YOU, ENGLISH TRANSLATORS!!!!!"

"Uh, are you okay, sir?"

"…Chaki, hang… up… NOW!"

"But, you called m-"

Yelling. "GOOOO!!!"

Panic. "YES, SIR!!!" Hangs up.

"…Nakamori-keibu, have you been getting your blood pressure checked lately?"

"WHAT?! Who are you?! KID!!!!!"

"What?! No!!! I was just talking to Kid like… a bazillion conversations ago!!!"

"AN ACCOMPLICE!!!"

"NOOOO! I'm Hattori Heiji!! You know, Osaka… Detective of the West… Ringin' any bells?"

"YOU WON'T FOOL ME, KAITOU KID!!!"

Click.

"ALRIGHT! I give up! Who the hell am I talking to now?!"

"HEIJI!"

"Ah, Kazuha! I've never been more relieved to hear you screaming your head off at me!!"

"…?! Anyway, Heiji, where have you been? I've been trying to get a hold of you!"

Concerned. "Why? Is something wrong?!"

Deadpans. "No, it's just I got annoyed of my phone ringing non-stop."

Comprehension dawns. "Ahhhh."

"…"

"But, I just wanted to say I was sorry for making you angry."

"Apology accepted."

"Soooo… uh… are you free Friday night by any chance?" Blush.

"Um." Blush. "I think so…"

"So, um, would you-"

"CALL INTERUPTED!" yelled a combination of voices, including (but not limited to) Kudo Shinichi, Mouri Ran, Kuroba Kaito, Haibara Ai, Agasa Hiroshi, Gin, Vodka, Kudo Yuusaku, Takagi Wataru, Miyamoto Yumi, Nakamori Ginzo and Chaki Shintaro.

XxxAFTERMATHxxX

Many things happened as a result of this strange sequence of phone calls:

1. Phone companies remained baffled about who exactly such a thing had occurred.

2. A week later: Bob sold his pet shop to his third cousin Joe.

3. A week and a half later: Ran finally found out who Conan was this entire time.

4. A week, a half and five minutes later: Conan was hospitalized for 24 hours.

5. Two weeks later: Kaitou Kid returned yet another priceless gem to Nakamori-keibu.

6. Two weeks and ten minutes later: Nakamori-keibu's blood pressure was put under monitoring after he underwent his middle-life crisis along with an identity crisis.

7. Two weeks and a half later: Heiji was brought in for questioning of possible allegiances with Kaitou Kid.

8. Three weeks later: Heiji and Conan figured out who Kaito Kid really was and the three teamed up and took the Black Organization down.

9. Three weeks and a day later: Gin and Vodka cried for the first time in recorded history.

10. Three weeks and a half later: Sato and Tagaki managed to go on a date without ANYONE spying on them.

11. Four weeks later: Kaitou Kid finally found Pandora and smashed it to tiny little microscopic pieces… and enjoyed every bit of it.

12. Four weeks and a half later: Kaitou Kid sent out invitations to his retirement party and the monocle and cape once and for all were retired (well, for the most part anyway…)

13. Five weeks later: Ai and Agasa figured out a permanent antidote for APTX 4869 and Ai and Conan returned to being Shiho and Shinichi.

14. Five weeks and a few days later: Aoko finally found out who Kaito was this entire time.

15. Five weeks, a few days and six minutes later: Kaito was hospitalized for 24 hours.

16. Five and a three-quarters weeks later: The boys (and by that I mean Shinichi, Heiji and Kaito) owned up to it and Shinichi, Ran, Heiji, Kazuha, Kaito and Aoko all went on a triple date.

17. Six weeks later: Hakuba Saguru came back from an extended trip to England and nearly killed himself for missing all the action.

18. Seven weeks later: Kudo Yusaku published his greatest novel yet, The Night Baron and the Mysterious Phone Call.

19. A year later: Shinichi somehow miraculously graduated high school (along with the rest of the gang).

20. Many years later: Everyone lived happily ever after.

21. Gosho Aoyama sued Yolapeoples for giving away his surprise ending.

A/n: It was this or write a paper on the Spanish and the Ottomans. I can't believe this was all inspired by a bumper sticker. Wooow. I need a life… ^-^ Please review!!! Oh, and just for the record, this was obviously NOT Gosho Aoyama's surprise ending (hopefully everyone picked up on the sarcasm but you never know…)

Next Conan's Hint: Chemistry.