Chapter Three – Over My Head

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is not mine. Everything is created by my insane imagination.

I never knew

I never knew

that everything was falling through

That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue

To turn and run

when all I needed was the truth

- Over My Head by The Fray

When Ducky came up at three o'clock, he saw Tony slumped on his chair sleeping. The rest of the team was still held up on the crime scene. Ducky still had to do the autopsy of the body, but he knew Tony needed someone to accompany him. He knew Tony had lied to Gibbs and almost wanted to head slap him, but looking at the young exhausted man made him silently forgive him.

"Anthony?" Ducky gently woke him up.

"Duck?" Tony said sleepily. "Where am.. Damn I fell asleep in the office?"

"Yes, thankfully for you I imagine, the rest of the team is still questioning and looking for the culprits."

"Thank God for small miracles," Tony muttered softly. "What time is it?"

"Three o'clock. Time for your radiation appointment." Ducky told him.

"It's only today at this time, right? I got the rest of the week at six?" Tony asked him.

"Yes. But may I warn you that this is easier to hide. I don't think when chemo starts you'll be able to work."

"That's why I'm programming using my years of unused vacation." Tony said with a smile. Tony knew Ducky would never tell anyone without his explicit permission.

"Come on," Ducky said letting Tony use him for support. None of them realizing that a letter had slipped from Tony's coat and landed underneath Ziva's desk.

"Tony actually left?" Ziva asked as they got to the office.

"Yeah, Ducky needs new furniture and they close the store at five. He needed Tony just for today."

"And the autopsy?" McGee asked.

"Duck will come tonight to finish it." Gibbs told them.

"Will Tony come to finish his hours?" Ziva asked.

"Don't know. Didn't ask. Let's just focus on the case, will ya?"

"Monica Phillips. Daughter of Real State Magnate Ted Lerner. Wife of Commander Paul Phillips. He has been working overseas in Afghanistan. Found dead this morning. "

"They have two kids. Arthur who is eight and Alexander who is five. Both go to Washington International School."

"What else did DiNozzo investigate for us?"

"Apparently there's some relation to him and the helicopter crash a few weeks ago."

"Let's keep digging. If that is true, thread carefully or we might get NSA and NATO to take over the case."

Tony had never felt his bed as comfortable as it was right now. He had washed his teeth, tried to drink some water. But his throat was being overly sensitive he couldn't even swallow well.

Two weeks ago, he thought. That week had been an emotional roller coaster. From reading the letter telling him the urgency of the tests that might be probable cancer, to dealing and admitting to Ducky that he had cancer, to actually choosing which treatment. Telling Ducky was one of the most difficult tasks because telling him simply made it true, but he knew he needed someone who could explain what was happening to him. Larynx cancer. That was what he had.

Tony thought his lungs were the one causing his cold from recuperating fast. Dr. Brad Pitt told him it wasn't his lungs that caused it. He had Tony retake various x-rays, blood tests, laryngoscopy and finally biopsy.

"Tony?" Dr. Pitt called him.

Tony opened his eyes. 'Still stuck in this nightmare' he thought.

"Tony, are you sure you don't want to call anyone? You have Dr. Donald Mallard as your next of kin. Wasn't this Gibbs?"

"Changed him after he left to Mexico." Tony whispered. His throat felt extremely dry and sensitive. Damn those procedures.

They had taken over a hundred tests. Not literally, but that was what Tony felt. Hospitals always made him feel queasy. Even someone taking blood out was a horrendous. He had gotten in on Friday night, and it was Saturday night and doctors still wanted to test him some more.

"What else do you need? More blood?" Tony asked grumpily.

"The oncologist, Dr. Jason Bommer, needs you to call someone or we'll do it for you."

"Isn't that my decision?" Tony asked angrily. "I don't want to call anyone. Why should I?"

"Tony, I am sorry but this, you need support. I mean I'm your friend and I'll help you in any way I can. I am not sure if you understand the dimension of what is going on here." Brad paused. Tony could feel his eardrums with each heartbeat.

"Is this your way of saying I've got cancer?" Tony splurged out. Not on purpose, but the anxiety was killing him slowly. The wait for the test results was not keeping him happy either. Was it so hard to get to the point?

"The final test, the biopsy, showed us the extent of the malignant tumor. So, yes, you do have cancer. Stage III larynx cancer to be precise." Dr. Jason Bommer started to explain. "Are you sure you don't want to call anyone?"

Tony had gone into a trance like state. But the tears forming in his eyes told the doctors that he had heard them clearly. One thing is thinking that you might have a deadly disease. Another is knowing you have it. Just like last time with the plague.

"That's it, I'm calling Ducky," Brad told Tony. Tony just gave a slight nod.

"Wait until Dr. Mallard gets here." Brad asked the oncologist before leaving the room to call Ducky.

Tony wasn't sure if Ducky understood how grateful he was. After the news hit him harshly his mind had shut off. Thankfully Ducky understood doctor language and later explained it to him simply.

As they explained the symptoms Tony hadn't realized he fit most of the symptoms. Sore throat, earache, bad breath, feeling pain on the throat, weight loss. All descriptions of the symptoms without a deep through analysis could have been explained by a cold that lingered because of his sensitive lungs and weight loss due to stress and sleepless nights. His loss of appetite and his choking on food was probably what made him and Ducky worry and what made him finally go to the hospital to do some tests.

Letting the 'cold' for months just made the case worse. As by last week test results the cancer was on stage III. While the doctors were not concerned due to the high survival rate, unlike the plague. It was the 'might' loose your voice and 'food will taste like sand' comments that worried Tony the most.

A stage III cancer of the glottis (a part of the larynx) meant you had a lymph node about the size of a walnut on your throat that interfered with the flow of your vocal cords. In simple words your voice was strained or hoarse. Stage III also meant the malignant tumor was spreading and in Tony's case it was spreading towards the subglottis, making it to Tony more difficult to swallow.

The only good thing that was revealed from the chest x-ray was that the cancer had not spread to his lungs. But the CT and MRI scan clearly revealed a stage III cancer.

Doctors overwhelmed Tony with information because there was an extreme urgency to stop the cancer from spreading.

In the end, Ducky helped Tony choose which procedure to treat the cancer. He had decided with Tony's input that from what the doctors had told him, radiation and targeted therapy were his best choices. Due to the significant area the cancer was affecting surgery meant removing completely Tony's larynx. Meaning he would have a stoma and would have to deal with relearning how to talk, a whole in his esophagus, throwing his career at NCIS off because you cannot hold your breath with a stoma. This and other issues really scared the crap out of Tony.

They had started his treatment almost right away. They were researching which treatment would be better for him and what suited him the best. They decided to do a Targeted Therapy + Radiation Therapy. They used targeted therapy utilizing 'Cetuximab'. It was supposed to give him better odds prolonging his survival due to locoregionally advanced squamous cell carcinoma in his larynx. They gave him 400 mg/m2 loading dose IV one week before Radiation Therapy. After that he had to go weekly for a 250 mg/m2. The first dosage was utterly hell, even though this treatment was supposed to be less toxic than chemo. At least he could keep his hair, but he was not immune to the drug's side effects like rashes, fever, fatigue, nausea, poor appetite and difficulty sleeping. Thankfully it only hit him hard the first two days after the infusion.

The first time Tony went to radiation last week was utterly horrible. He had never felt as claustrophobic until he had a very uncomfortable mask that locked him to a table. While the procedure never took more than twenty minutes, he knew he will never relax no matter how many times the nurse told him to.

DiNozzo kept staring at his ceiling. It was nine o'clock and he was already in bed. He did feel incredibly tired. Ducky was going to pick him up tomorrow to get his radiation treatment in the morning and then his second one at night. Studies showed that getting double radiation in a six week cycle increased his chances by ten percent of survival. And he'd take that extra percentage. He needed some reassurance, some safety net that in the end he'll make it through. He closed his eyes. Maybe. Just maybe sleep would come easy tonight.

"Anthony?" Someone called him up.

But he didn't want to wake up. Hadn't he just fallen asleep?

"Tony?" Same voice was insistent on bringing him up.

"Come on lad, wake up," He was certain it was Ducky, but his eyes just felt like closing again. "If I had the strength I would've carried you to the car without waking you up, but I can't on my own."

Slowly Tony opened his eyes.

"I just started sleeping, Duck. It can't be already time to wake up, it's still dark out there." Tony said as he glanced outside.

"It's winter that's why it's still dark and believe me it's almost six thirty. Remember your morning appointment?" Ducky asked.

Tony groaned.

"Come on, I'll let you sleep in the car." Ducky said with a smile.

Ducky chose some comfortable jogging pants and a hoodie, like last week. He laid the clothes on Tony's bed, while Tony used the bathroom.

"What about my work clothes?" Tony asked.

"In the bag," Ducky said pointing to the sac he was currently fixing.

"It'll get wrinkled," Tony said.

"I think, you worry too much about that. Personally, I do not believe that people will notice if your shirt is perfectly pressed." Ducky told him trying to make him understand that some things right now, were irrelevant. But to Tony it was important to keep his image. However he was too tired and too cold to argue and comfy clothes did make him feel better as long as it was not in the office.

Fifteen minutes later, a yogurt fed agent headed to the hospital with the help of the ME. Brad greeted them as they got in.

"He's tired?" Brad asked Ducky as the nurses meanwhile got Tony into some hospital robes.

"Yes. I believe he didn't sleep well tonight. I found him sleeping on his desk yesterday." Ducky told him.

"Unfortunately that is going to become more frequent, instead of less. The nurses also informed me that his chest also have rashes, due to the Cetuximab. I'll prescribe him some medicated lotion to put on." Dr. Jason said as he came into the room.

"Is it healthy to let him continue to work?" Ducky asked.

"In radiation treatments, it is better if patients continue to keep them active. As long as it is desk duty, I don't see why he shouldn't. It keeps his mind occupied. He does has to take days off when he goes through a dose of Cetuximab and when chemo starts then I'd rather have him stay the whole week."

"I know. But he doesn't want Jethro, I mean his boss to know," Ducky argued.

"In the end, he won't have a choice," Dr. Jason told him, "Let him hold his position right now. Taking it away from him will do more damage than good right now. Doesn't Tony have other family members that can help you? His father, perhaps? He's the only one I see that is alive in his profile."

"That man doesn't deserve the father title. And believe me, his family is his team, which is why I want him to tell his boss and his teammates. Don't tell Tony, but I am also arranging to take my vacations next month at least for two weeks while he's in chemo."

"That will certainly help."

"Dr. Bommer?" A nurse called. "Mr. DiNozzo is prepped."

It took about twenty minutes, five minutes to locate the radiation spot and fifteen of radiation, for the overall process to finish. When it ended, they found a very nauseous looking DiNozzo.

"Jason? Get this off me." He said to him with his eyes closed. DiNozzo couldn't move with the mask that immobilized him from his shoulders and up.

Two nurses came in to help and released him just in time as DiNozzo hunched and retched the little breakfast he had this morning. It took several minutes before Tony's stomach settled down.

"Is this usual?" Asked Tony. "I thought for a moment I was still with the Targeted Therapy thing. But that was on Friday. Should I still feel this nauseous?"

"Nausea is one of the side effects of radiation and TT, like fatigue. Some side effects are right away. Fatigue for example sets in stronger as treatment goes on. Some others present itself depending on the patient, like headaches and nausea. Every patient is different."

"Just my luck," Tony muttered sarcastically and glanced at the clock. Seven thirty. He only had thirty minutes to change and get to the office.

"Are you sure you want to wear these clothes?" Ducky pointed at the Ferragamo suit and Armani Exchange pants, no doubt these clothes made you look fashionable, but they weren't as comfy and loose as what Tony was currently wearing.

"These will do, Duck. It's only a few more days right?" Tony said with a smile. "I've been in tougher undercover ops."

"This does not have to be an undercover operation, young boy. You are doing more damage to yourself by pretending that nothing has happened."

"But nothing has happened," Tony said with a forced smile. "Really, no one ever wants to know what is going on outside my life at NCIS, at least not as of late. And I don't want to be there with everyone staring at me with pity."

"It wouldn't be pity. It would be support."

"Believe me, Duck. I know the difference. Being disowned and busting your knee crushing your dreams of going pro sort of makes me the expert in that area. The less people know the less we get hurt."

Ducky kept silent. He knew Anthony well enough to know he was not in a receptive mood. Soon, Tony was dressed to go to work and they both headed to the office.

Ding.

Both Tony and Ducky stepped out of the elevator. First thing Tony went looking for was the watch. Eight o'clock. Sharp. He raised his arms in victory.

"Yes! Made it on time." Tony said to no one in particular.

"WooHoo!" Ziva said in a false tone. "Let's make a party, Anthony DiNozzo actually gets to work on the time he's supposed to."

"Bitter much? Ziver? What made you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?"

"We, that means Gibbs, McGee and I, actually stayed working until late and unlike you, and we also came here on time." Ziva told him.

"I think I'll let your mood pass. It probably is a PMS thing I do not understand." Tony said as he sat on his desk.

"You prick!" Ziva yelled at him throwing him a bottle of glue. As Tony's lack of reflexes due to his round of radiation made itself known as the bottle poured open and splashed on his very expensive Ferragamo shirt and suit.

"I'm sorry!" Ziva now told him but both McGee and she couldn't keep themselves from laughing.

"No, you're not. But you are so buying me a new set of clothes." Tony said to her coldly as he took a shirt and hoodie from his drawer to change.

"And make sure it's Ferragamo!" Tony yelled as he stormed off.

Author's Note: I'm really sorry I haven't been able to thank personally to each and every one of my reviewers. I swear I will! I just haven't found the time yet. For those on the east coast of the US. I hope you're alright. I've got friends and family there, so my PC has been cramped with family and friends contacting each other even if many don't have power, but when there's a will there's a way. I know many of you don't like me bashing a bit Gibs, Ziva and McGee but stay with me and there's a reason for why Gibbs is being like he is. I haven't been able to use my weekend to write which is when I usually do, but hopefully this chapter is long enough to keep your minds busy for a while. Hope this makes your Tuesday.

- Lily