Chapter Four - Home

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is not mine. Everything is created by my insane imagination.

No matter how hard I try

You're never satisfied

This is not a home

I think I'm better off alone

- Home by Three Days Grace

Tony glanced himself at the mirror. He had showered it took him over ten minutes to get glue out of his hair and try to save his shirt. He honestly thought he looked alright. I mean not 'cancer' sick. Tired, yes. His bag under his eyes revealed that much.

People never understood his reasons on why he liked wearing his expensive suits. It made him feel good and important. Which was absolutely stupid 'how can something material determine how you'll feel?' But there was no way that you could deny that a thousand dollar suit made you feel good. It made you feel worthy. It was just simply impossible to be ignored.

A good suit made you look good. An excellent suit made you look perfect. Even if the world inside you was falling apart. And right now, specially now, Tony needed that support. Plus, the tattooed radiation mark was very well hidden from everyone's gaze.

He was left now with a plain white gym shirt that left his neck completely bare and made the mark completely visible to everyone.

Tony quietly studied his neck. Usually he tried avoiding looking at his neck at least in the past weeks he had. Why should he stare at the constant reminder of what could go wrong?

Looking at the mark on his neck who would've ever thought there was some evil mass growing inside of it?

He should start bringing a scarf. Or turtle necked shirts. He had rashes throughout his chest due to the targeted therapy drug, so he put some body lotion on it to soothe the itch. At least wearing comfy clothes had its perks, the rashes tended to aggravate when using fitted clothing.

But the damn RT mark was still there staring back at him!

He put on the hoodie and again focused his gaze towards the mark. It was still there, better hidden. He fixed his jacket. Again. Still there. He gave up. As long as no one really looked towards his neck, he had nothing to worry about. And if they did, then he'd tell them he accidentally spilled some ink.

Tony sighed as he sat down on his desk. He groaned. More paperwork. 'Come on, Tony. At least this is something you can keep your head busy with. No doctor speech right now, no nurses asking for your pulse or blood. Focus.'

He saw a small note with Gibbs handwriting. 'Got called for a new case. Second day late. That means you're cut off from the new cases. Keep working on cold ones until you learn.'

"But I got here on time today!" Tony said angrily out loud to himself.

"Nice hoodie, Tony!" Abbs greeted him. "What were you talking about?"

"This!" Tony said pointing at Gibbs' note. "I got here on time, but got into a fight with Ziva and she threw me glue that spilled all over me! And Ziva and McGee instead of helping me just kept laughing."

"Oooh, but you do it all the time to McGee!" Abby said. That comment was not helping Tony feel any better. In fact, it was doing quite the opposite.

"I do not ruin his hair or his clothes! I just glue his hands to the keyboard. The keyboard doesn't cost a thousand dollars! It's not the same!" Tony said bitterly. "I just..."

Tony paused. He just needed to feel normal. To make everything was like before. But these two days he was struggling to be on Gibbs' good side, so far he had literally and incredibly failed at doing just that. Tony felt he was worse than where they had left off two weeks ago.

"Just what, Tony?" Abby asked.

"I just need to get this done," he said softly and turned his back to Abby. He realized he didn't want to fight anymore. And he knew if he argued with Abby, it would turn into one. And she was right, even if he would never admit it to her. He had done these pranks to McGee. But it was to lighten the mood. To ease the tempers, to make time pass faster when they finished a case.

Fatigue was slowly creeping up to him and he knew he needed to get work done before it fully hit him.

"This conversation is not over, mister. Something is wrong with you. You are never this quiet. And I will find out." Abby said to him. But Tony ignored her. He kept his head down. Rereading the same paragraph for the fifth time. If he held his head up, Abby would notice the mark. And if it would be anyone else, but Abby, they would eat the ink excuse in a blink. But not Abby, she would spit it right back to him.

Noticing that Tony was not in the mood to talk, Abby stomped off with her boots clearly making Tony know she was angry and left without a word.

Tony sighed in relief when Abby finally got into the elevator and left the bullpen. If there were a marker somewhere in the world counting Tony's fights of the day it would read. Tony 1 - Abby 0. He knew it was a false hope. Whenever Abby got her mind into something she would solve it, whether it would be with her body filled with Caf-Pows or not was not the issue, the only thing that mattered was time. Hopefully Tony would have the guts of telling her before she finds out herself.

By lunchtime, Tony had finished what he was supposed to finish revising from yesterday's cold case. He needed to write up his analysis whether the case should be reopened or stay closed, but he could barely keep his eyes from shutting.

He didn't know how he got the strength to do it, he guessed his body was just on automatic mode, but somehow he had gotten down to Autopsy. Ducky and Palmer where nowhere to be found, probably still on the scene picking up the body. Tony saw in the corner a comfy sofa and before he could feel the softness of the couch he fell asleep.

Two hours later, Palmer found Tony in a deep sleep.

"Tony?" Palmer shook Tony's shoulder gently.

Tony opened his eyes. He looked at Palmer confused until he realized he had slept on Autopsy. How long had it been?

"Hey Palmer" Tony whispered. He felt light headed and his eyes were struggling to keep themselves open.

"I should warn you that Gibbs is headed this way." That immediately sent a thrill of adrenaline that woke Tony up. But not without consequences. His knees buckled under him.

Jimmy quickly helped him up.

"I think you should stay down." Jimmy told him.

"Can't do that." Tony muttered as his mind frantically tried to find a valid excuse for him to be down here. It was just not his day. Ideas rummaged in his brain. What to do? What would he tell Gibbs? Could he run to the elevator quickly enough without being seen?

Ding. He heard the elevator reach the floor. Nope. No time.

"Give me a file, Jimmy," Tony said quickly. Maybe he could deflect Gibbs questioning that is if he looked busy.

"What file?" Palmer asked confused. Most of the files down in Autopsy had to deal with, pun intended, autopsies. Something which would clearly send distress signals to Gibbs.

"Just any case file!" Tony grabbed the first case file he saw on Ducky's desk and pretended to read it as Gibbs walked in with Ducky. Damn. It was from yesterday's case, which Gibbs had made it clear on his note that he didn't want him to work on. But yesterday's case is not a new case? Or was it? Tony only hoped Gibbs was distracted and wouldn't notice.

"TOD, Duck?"

"About three to four o'clock of this very fine morning." Duck responded.

"Cause?"

"It appears that this young marine was poisoned, but to be certain you will have to wait until I finish the autopsy."

"DiNozzo!" Gibbs called as he saw Tony reading a case file.

"Yes, Boss?"

"What are you doing here?" Gibbs asked. "Didn't I ban you from working with the new cases?"

"Hmm, yes. But I needed to consult Palmer on a cold case!" Tony said hoping he wouldn't notice the file he was holding.

"DiNozzo. That file in your hand is yesterday's case, which you clearly know that you shouldn't be working on."

"Sorry, Boss." Tony said with a guilty look on his face. "Not happening again."

"Don't apologize DiNozzo. Rule Six. Never apologize -"

"-it's a sign of weakness." Both Tony and Gibbs said at the same time.

"You better get back on track, DiNozzo." Gibbs told him

"Yes, sir. I mean, Boss." Tony was a mess. Not that Ducky could blame him. Today's fatigue from all the treatments were making their presence clear.

"Jethro, I'll call you when the Autopsy is done." Ducky was clearly hinting Gibbs to leave.

"I'll drop by later. Better have something for me then." Gibbs said as he walked towards the elevator. "And DiNozzo, I want you on your desk in ten."

Gibbs glanced back to Tony as he Tony only nodded. There was something off with his Senior Agent. That spark that usually inspired trust in Tony was off. Maybe he was just over processing his thoughts too much. With his Senior Agent suspended from the case, Gibbs didn't have time for his mind to play around. He needed to focus. And not because he needed Tony, while he would never admit it, he would lay it easy on him. Tony had to learn to be responsible. If he ever wanted people's respect, he needed to be a great leader and believe it or not getting late was just not the way to earn respect. Finally the elevator reached the autopsy floor and Gibbs headed off.

It was the second time of the day that Tony released his breath out of relief. Work was not doing any good to him. In fact it was doing quite the opposite.

"Thanks, Duck." Tony said softly to the old man who had purposely sent Gibbs away. Tony grabbed the corner of one of the autopsy tables as he tried to regain control standing, but everything was swaying. Both Jimmy and Ducky quickly saw the symptoms and helped Tony stay upright.

"Mr. Palmer, help me get Tony to the sofa."

With Tony distributing his weight between Palmer and Ducky, they reached back to the couch. Palmer kept silent.

"Anthony, have you eaten lunch?" Tony shook his head no.

"Did you drink something, at least?"

"No, I was busy and not hungry." Tony responded. "Then I felt really tired and fell asleep."

"Come on, drink this," Ducky gave him a glass of water. "You need to get some fluids or you'll get dehydrated. I have those instant mashed potatoes. You should eat it. It's soft on your throat. I'm going to prepare it."

Ducky left, leaving young Mr. Palmer and Anthony to talk.

"Are you ok?" Palmer finally asked Tony after a couple of long silent minutes.

"I have definitely been better," Tony said shrugging. "Thanks for not letting me fall. Twice."

"Anytime, mate. But this doesn't happen just because."

"Oh, no of course it doesn't, Jimmy. It's because I've got cancer." Tony said in his most normal and careless voice.

"Are you serious?" Palmer asked. Not sure whether Tony was joking or not.

"I wish I wasn't," Tony said this time in a more serious tone. "I just wish this nightmare to end. I can't even work a full day without feeling exhausted. All I ever want to do now is take a nap."

"Maybe, that's your body's way of telling you to take it easy." Palmer told him.

"Desk duty is the epitome of NCIS EASY 101. I mean if I can't do this. What will I do?"

"Anthony, my dear boy, first of all you should eat even if you feel tired." Ducky tried to tell him in his most reproaching grandpa mode, but he couldn't really yell at Tony, his heart wouldn't let him scold him that much.

"I just don't have the appetite." Tony told him tiredly and turned to face Palmer. "Jimmy?"

"Yes, Tony?" Apparently Palmer was still processing that his friend had a deadly tumor inside his body.

"You can't tell anyone. Please. Promise?" Tony asked him.

"Ok. I promise. Can I ask what type of cancer you have?" Palmer asked.

"I've got larynx cancer. Stage III."

Now Palmer and Ducky started debating on the topic, while Tony ate his mashed potatoes. He was really glad Ducky was there to explain it to Palmer, because in reality he wasn't ready to give the full blown explanation of what he had and honestly Ducky understood it better than he did.

While Tony had initially thought it would be harder to tell Palmer and feared on how his reactions would be, he was glad he had told him. Not only because now Ducky could have someone else to release his pressure to, but also because now Tony had somewhere at the office where he could go and fall without fear or prejudgment. Filled with new energy from Ducky and Palmer, Tony went up and continued working on the cold cases.

"DiNozzo?" Gibbs said coming up to his desk.

"Yes, Boss?" DiNozzo answered politely. Since he had come up from Autopsy he had decided to give everyone a cold shoulder. He had noticed it was easier this way. No fights. No trouble. And he actually was finally finishing his written review on the cold case.

"We might need an extra pair of hands on yesterday's case. If you're done with that cold case, that is."

Tony looked at his watch. Five thirty. Nope. He didn't have time.

"I thought I was told not to work on new cases." Tony said bitterly to Gibbs.

"Ziva told me what happened." Gibbs explained. No apologies. It was just like Gibbs to act like his second B was for.

"I can't stay today. Can I work on it tomorrow?" Tony asked.

"I will not ask twice. If you can't do it now, then you stay on cold cases until you get back in the field." Gibbs thought Tony was being elitist.

Tony kept silent, while Gibbs continued rambling.

"You've got plans today, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked.

"Actually, all week," Tony said with a thoughtful look, which only infuriated Gibbs further. "Desk duty is actually resulting quite well. Stable schedule allows me to, you know, plan ahead."

"Do you want me to permanently keep you on desk duty?" Gibbs threatened him.

"That might not be a bad idea," Tony said smiling. He had already turned off the computer and was now reaching for his bag.

"Is something wrong with you? Or are my head slaps having their effect today on you?"

"Many things are wrong with me and you and everyone. Nobody's perfect. But hey, I'm pretty sure my head's screwed alright." He said with a grin which made raised Gibbs' anger even more.

By now Tony was walking to the elevator, everyone in the office staring at him.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Boss." Tony said as the elevator door closed.

Gibbs wasn't sure if the shock of Tony telling him he wanted to stay in desk duty that had stopped him from leashing out on him. But he was certainly over it now as he yelled. "What's everyone staring at? Get back to work!"

And with that everyone went back to focus on their work.

Author's Note: Just want to thank everyone who has read this story so far. I am blessed to have wonderful readers. It fills my heart each time I get a new review, alert and favorite. This piece was supposed to be uploaded yesterday, but my internet decided to take a break. I hope you all had a nice Labor Weekend!

Please review it'll make my night.

Love,

Lily