Chapter Five – Fade

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is not mine. Everything is created by my insane imagination.

I just needed someone to talk to

You were just too busy with yourself

You were never there for me to

Express how I felt

- Fade by Staind

Next day came in and Gibbs was giving Tony the cold shoulder. Truth was that not only Gibbs was avoiding him, but also Ziva and Tim were pretending he didn't exist. When Tony headed to talk to one of them, they ignored him completely. Tony pretended to be fine with it. His throat was especially sensitive today and he wasn't going to fight with them anymore.

Today Tony had quite a difficult morning. His throat was too raw. He couldn't eat breakfast, he had problems swallowing. The medical staff had to numb his throat for him to be able to drink his protein shake and that was with his system full with hydrocodone. He hated drinking pain meds. It left him dizzy and trembling. He was also afraid that he could get addicted to them and withdrawals were a high price to pay.

Tony opened his bottle of water and drank some to quench his dry throat, but started coughing up. Even though everyone still pretended he didn't exist, he caught some concerned glances from his teammates and even his boss. As his coughing got worse, he went to the bathroom and took some paper towel to cover his mouth. When he finished coughing there were tiny red dots on the towel he threw to the trash can.

He took a few minutes to recover his pose. His hands were shaking as he tried to get them to stop. His eyes were watery from coughing so much.

'I can get through today'. He told quietly to himself but his voice spoke high volumes of his uncertainty.

He could pretend to the rest of the world that he didn't care when his so called 'friends' or coworkers were ignoring him. Both in Peoria and Baltimore, Tony had climbed up quite fast making some of his older colleagues jealous and ending up with the need to watch his six even inside the office.

But NCIS was supposed to be different. Tony had finally gotten a mentor, someone who actually watched his back for him and he gladly returned the favor. It hurt more than Tony would ever admit how Gibbs was treating him. Tony had never let anyone get close to him, as much as he had let his current Boss.

Anthony was exhausted for probably the hundredth time in this week. He felt lost, he thanked the heavens for having Ducky supporting him, and otherwise he wasn't sure he would have the will to keep going. But as much as you love your grandfather, he is no replacement for a father. Tony vowed to himself, never again will he let someone get close to him and with that thought he entered back to the bullpen.

Tony couldn't be more relieved when the HR finally responded him. In his ten years being working at NCIS, he had only used his vacations twice. That meant he could take the time he needed to rest. For now, Tony had requested a month of vacation. He knew that a month was not enough. But for now, Tony was living each day by day. He didn't know how better or worse he'd be.

While HR had given him the go, he still needed either his boss or someone with a higher hierarchy to sign. Tony had already mentally automatically dismissed Gibbs. Tony sighed. He needed to get this over, right now. He wasn't sure if he left it for another day he'd do it. So, Tony grabbed two thick envelopes from his drawers, one from his doctors and another from his insurance company and headed to the one and only person Tony knew that he personally would not care of his reaction, the one and only Director Vance.

"Cynthia? Is Director Vance busy at the moment?" Tony said to Vance's secretary.

"He doesn't have meetings schedule at this time. And his phone line is free, but let me verify." Cynthia told him politely. "Director Vance? I've got Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo requesting to meet you,"

"Send him in," Director Vance responded.

Tony took a deep breath before entering and was now second guessing his moves. Should he really tell Vance? He had never really trusted him. But he needed his approval. Was he supposed to bring Duck?

As his mind kept firing a thousand thoughts all at once, he hadn't even realized he was already in Vance's private office and Cynthia had already closed the doors behind me.

"Are you going to talk anytime soon, DiNozzo?" Vance spoke up interrupting his thoughts.

"Hmm, I think it'll be easier if we call Dr. Mallard," Tony said nervously. "I, uhm, promise you will understand after we finish explaining."

"Sure," Vance told him and then called Cynthia. "Cynthia, please send Dr. Mallard here."

It took two minutes, one of the longest two minutes Tony had endured being scrutinized by Vance, even though Vance pretended he had some very important papers to read and sign in front of him it didn't stop him from studying the fidgeting DiNozzo. 'What is wrong with this kid' thought Vance. 'He probably screwed up big time and now wants me to cover for him before Gibbs realizes and finally kicks him out.'

Ducky had no idea what he was being called for, until he saw Tony and needed no further explanation.

"Have you told him?" Ducky asked.

Tony shook his head.

"I thought you would give a better presentation explaining." He said with a raspy voice. Ducky gave Tony a concerned look. His throat was worse than this morning.

"Vacation time?"

Tony nodded.

"Have you cleared it with human resources?"

Tony nodded again.

Ducky immediately took control over the situation. The once natural undercover Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo couldn't help but let Ducky take control over the situation.

"Director Vance, Anthony here needs to take a medical time off." Tony gave both envelopes to Director Leon Vance. "All he needs is your signature on these papers to make it official."

"Doctors," he whispered pointing to the one with Bethesda's envelope.

"Insurance," he said pointing to the other one.

"Stop." Vance said holding his hand up. "Would one of you explain to me what is going on in here?"

Tony sighed and looked up to Ducky. After a few seconds, he gave a slight nod, a signal Ducky took as permission to speak.

"Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo presented a consistent cold and cough that had been going on for a couple of months. It was a coming and going cold, and since there were many important operations going on and due to his delicate lungs and immune system, we never thought it was something that needed more attention and concern. He finally got himself an appointment with his lung specialist Dr. Brad Pitt, who insisted in taking him for more tests on a Saturday night in the ER, which was the only time Anthony here had available. His test results came back with abnormal white cell formation, which usually means infection, but the high level of white blood cells was a deep concern to his specialist. The urgency of the operation was well known for all the agents on the agency and especially to the MCRT in which Special Agent DiNozzo is part of. That was why you proposed the no phone, no messages, and no contact with outsiders until the crisis passed."

"Dr. Pitt got his tests results on Monday. He called Tony, but due to the current situation on the agency, the call was not passed through. He did leave voice messages, but they were not forwarded until Friday, when the rules were lifted. Mail was also distributed, which is how Tony got his message. He went immediately to the hospital, right after work that Friday or was it Saturday morning?" Ducky asked.

"Saturday, like at two a.m." Tony said.

"He was admitted into the hospital to run some tests. The results were given that same day. Anthony DiNozzo presents an advance stage of squamous cell carcinoma. Due to the location, it is more known as larynx cancer. Stage III. He started his Targeted Therapy cycle on Saturday morning." Dr. Mallard paused remembering how difficult the first Targeted Therapy was. Since doctors do not know which side effects the patient will have, the first infusions of these drugs are usually the hardest.

"For the radiation therapy Anthony needs a mask that immobilizes him, while the procedure is taking place. They have to create one for each of the patients. That is why we started TT (Targeted Therapy) first. And also Radiation Therapy (RT) is more effective when TT is infused before RT. In RT it is of the utmost importance that he does not move. It takes hours for the doctors to determine the exact spot, angle and amount of radiation they need for his therapy. They had to take scans and x-rays before marking the location," Ducky moved near Tony and touched gently where the semi permanent mark or tattoo was.

"The double dose of radiation Anthony is given 5 days a week, plus the Targeted Therapy treatment is taking its toll on him. That is the reason why Anthony is requesting a month off."

By now Tony was sitting down, while he saw his Director ponder on what to do next. His hands were still trembling, but he tried not to ignore it as Vance started speaking.

"I am deeply sorry of what has happened," Vance told him sincerely. "Are you sure you don't need more time?"

"We will see when the time comes," Ducky responded for him.

"Sir?" Tony spoke softly. "What I really wanted to ask was your confidentiality in this matter."

"You are not going to tell Gibbs?"

Tony shook his head.

"Right now, we have our differences. So, if you can tell HR to sign it off as personal time. I will be grateful."

"Consider it done," Vance told him. Tony looked at him in surprise.

"Somehow in my mind you were so going to refuse," Tony told him with a slight smile.

"DiNozzo, I deeply apologize for our past differences, while we both have our differences, I would like you to know you have my full support in whatever you need to fight this. Anything this agency can help you is at your disposal."

"I..." Tony cleared his throat, "I'm thankful, sir"

"When does your vacation start?"

"Monday."

"Start right now," Vance said.

"Really?" Tony asked surprised.

"You look dead on your feet. By just looking at you I am certain you should not be in here. And really, what's two days more, two days less?" Vance said with a smile. Which kind of crept Tony out.

"Alright, how can I say no to that!" Tony said with a grin. His grin faded as he started coughing again. This time Ducky handed him his handkerchief. Tony sensed a metallic taste on his mouth and groaned. Ducky was going to get mad.

"Anthony!" Ducky said worriedly, "Since when have you started coughing blood?"

"This morning." Tony told him. Vance let Tony use his bathroom to wash his mouth. Dental hygiene is very important for patients using radiation for treatments.

"And where you ever going to tell me?" Ducky gently inspected Tony's throat. It was swollen and raw, thankfully with no signs of infection. It was probably the RT that caused him to cough little specks of blood.

"Eventually," Tony told him looking down. Ducky sighed. He could never stay angry for too long with Tony, but he certainly needed painkillers.

"Come on," Ducky said as he helped him up. "I've got some good pills that will numb your throat for a while."

"Here," Vance told them as he gave Ducky the stack of envelopes. "Give this to Gibbs before you leave."

Tony nodded. "Thanks."

"No need. Just take care of yourself. Give me a call every once in a while to give me updates."

"Will do or at least Ducky will," Tony told him. "Remember your promise. Don't tell anyone. Please."

"I'm the Director," Vance said in fake outrage. "I've kept national secrets. I'm pretty sure I can keep my mouth shut."

Tony smiled as he left the Director's office. He was now standing taller, as if part of the world that held him down had been lifted from his shoulders. He could go home and actually focus on fighting this thing instead of struggling with keeping his façade in the office.

Now, he had to face the music. Just for a while longer. He knew Gibbs wasn't going to be receptive. Part of Tony wanted to tell him, but if he told him now Gibbs would just do it out of pity, out of trying to fix his guilt. And right now, Tony didn't want to struggle with dealing other's people's emotions, he had enough on his plate. It might be selfish, it might be not at all correct, but it was his choice. And lately having the power to actually choose was something he was loosing. He hated not having control of the situation.

Being disowned at the age of twelve, you had to grow up fast and learn to control your surroundings to get the outcome you want. He had twenty-five years without loosing that power, now it was slowly slipping through his fingers while he still tried to hold down the fort. He knew he was loosing the battle and soon he would have to rely completely on Ducky to make his decisions for him. But until then, he would fight tooth and nail to get things done his way.

Author's Note: I'm really glad this story has had a great reception. I know I'm slowly taking more time than usual, but these past few weeks I've been in the middle of organizing an expo fair. I still try to take a day a week to write, at least for a couple of hours. I hope you like this chapter I think it's still not as good as I wanted it to be and it is certainly shorter than the last two chapters, but time if I start over thinking it too much I might not post until next weekend when I finally get a break. The ideas for next chapter are better. A couple of twists coming up next! Any thoughts of what will happen?

Love,

Lily