Chapter Six – Keep Your Head Up

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is not mine. Everything is created by my insane imagination.

I know it's hard, know its hard,

To remember sometimes,

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

- Keep your head up by Andy Grammer

Tony went down to his desk. It was still early, eleven o'clock in the morning to be exact. He could, by all means, leave if he wanted. He had the head of HR's authorization as well as the Director Vance's authorization. For any other team that would be sufficient, and legally for the requirements inside NCIS administration it was more than enough. The problem entitled with being in Gibb's team and having Gibbs as your boss. While Tony no longer needed his permission, the least he could do was notify Gibbs.

However, Tony never got the chance to pop the question first, since Gibbs had printed Vance's email telling him about his leave. Tony wasn't sure what astounded him more Gibbs reading his email or Gibbs actually printing a paper himself. In any other occasion Tony would've cracked a joke just then, but Gibbs stare was already digging him six feet under.

"Mind explaining this to me, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked. Tony could see there was a mixture of rage and confusion on his boss.

"I think it's self explainable, Boss. I'm taking some of my vacation time for personal reasons." Tony said what he had in his mind rehearsed a thousand times.

"Why did you go to Vance first?" That was the underlining issue and the root of Gibbs anger.

"Uhh, don't I need to clear vacations with him?" Tony said pretending to be confused of the procedure.

"You always clear this to me first," Gibbs told him, more like yelled at him, but who cared? Obviously Tony did specially now when the entire office turned quiet just to listen to them. Damn gossipers the bunch of them. Tony tried to distract himself from Gibbs' earful, but it is quite an impossible feat if you have him right in front of you.

"And then, if I let you go, then you go. Are you sure you are a Senior Field Agent? Or maybe I should demote you to being back to Probie to refresh your memory." Listening to Gibbs possibly demoting him immediately made Tony refocus on what was going on.

"I apo-" Tony almost apologized, but he recovered quickly. "I'll ask you next time, Boss. Director Vance let me start my vacation today."

Tony handed him Vance's note. Tony could see Gibbs was very well practicing his self restrain from probably killing him.

"So, you're leaving, just like this, you cannot take the pressure? Or your punishments as a man? If you leave DiNozzo, next time you come, you won't be th SFA, I'll give that title to McGee." Gibbs threatened him.

All Tony could see right now was red. Yes. Anthony DiNozzo was beyond angry, how can Gibbs do this to him? Had these years being each other's partners, having their six, meant nothing? He almost wanted to yell at Gibbs that he had cancer, but the Navy Yard was packed. Apparently, there was nothing else better to do than to waste taxpayers money watching the DiNozzo show. Tony had to admit, sometimes he did put on a show to release the stress that this type of job put onto their staff. But there was a limit and crossing into his personal life passed that limit. People currently just didn't deserve the right to have a pass into his private life.

Tony shook his head. Damn he was tired. He was tired of threats whether it was personal or health related. And it was true what the doctors, Ducky and even Vance said, it was about time he focused on himself and not the rest of the world.

"Believe or not, Gibbs, I do have a life outside this office and right now I need to take care of it. If you want to demote me or downgrade me or even remove me from your team. Do it. Because I can take whatever you want to throw at me. What I am doing is nothing illegal, actually it's almost illegal for me to work this long and not get a break." Tony said in a sharp low voice, but the message was loud and clear. "I tried to play it nicely, hell, I was about to tell you, to notify you as my boss that I needed to take some personal time. But would you ask yourself anything at all with the way you've been treating me?"

Tony stood up and started trembling a little. But no one thought it was due to his health. No they all thought he shook from anger.

"I do not need your permission to take some time off, this was just formalities. Badge, gun, cell phone. They're all in here. Don't call me this month. I will not be in contact or reachable. Gee, I guess I broke another one of your rules, Boss." Tony told him sarcastically as he purposely pushed Gibbs away from his desk to make way for him to the elevator.

"DiNozzo, don't you walk away from me!" Gibbs called him, but it was too late, DiNozzo had already entered the lift.

"If you decide after this to keep me on your team or not, just let Director Vance know. He'll find a way to let me know."

And for the second time in a week, DiNozzo closed the elevator's doors in Gibbs furious face.

Tony was grateful that he had decided to take his car today to both the hospital and the office. It took him a few minutes to settle in. After taking deep breaths he let himself relax, he started the car and let himself drive. He didn't know where he was headed, nor what he wanted to do. He just drove. There was no greater feeling than the wind gently touching your skin and the sun giving you its warm comfort.

He kept driving until he reached Alexandria. There was something comforting to DiNozzo of this old town. It was as if each building told him a story. His mother used to do walk with him when he was a kid and they spent hours imagining how things were before. Honestly, that may have only happened once or twice, when his father came for business with them, but it was one of the few memories he had with his mom and personally, it was one of the memories he cherished the most.

He walked until he reached to the Harbor, letting his mind travel around with his troubled thoughts. It was the constant questioning, whether he'd make it or not. He knew that a month was a joke. No one gets cured of cancer in a month. He knew that in time everyone would know as he would probably request a medical leave of absence, once all his insurance was set.

As Tony sat on the harbor, he savored the breeze and sound of the waves hitting the shore, it felt oddly relaxing. He knew he would worry Ducky, but having time on his own when he was fully conscious and actually with his five senses working had become foreign to him. A time on his own where he did not have to worry about anything, no work, no doctors, no nurses, nothing at all. He stayed there just staring at the waves. It was simply mesmerizing. He remembered a quote, he heard about it not that long ago, that Steve Jobs said in a commencement speech in Stanford:

"Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become."

And it was certainly true the first time he heard it, and just as honest this time around. If he thought about his past, he had unknowingly applied it in his life, specially in his childhood. But it was simple being a kid. Choosing right from wrong. Following your heart and intuition was the only thing that mattered. But somewhere along the way things have changed.

Those principles Steve Jobs had said, Tony had already applied it in his life. While his main dream, which was playing football, had been crushed in his college years, he soon found a new vision of what he wanted to become in life.

Tony wondered if this was something karmatic. While he wasn't a Buddhist, there had to be a reason why he had so much bad luck. Maybe his father was right and he was now facing the consequences.

It was already twelve thirty when Tony checked his watch. His stomach groaned. Ducky would have his head if he didn't eat something.

The smell of a pastry shop made him stomach grumble more. He finally found the bakery a block further. They had seats outside facing the bay. Tony grinned. While the nutritionist told him he should balance his protein, carbohydrates and what else more, Jason, his oncologist told him to eat as much as possible whenever he could as many times in the day he could. Jason knew how sensitive Tony's throat was and how much struggle even eating soft bland foods were doing to Tony. Cakes and puddings were one of the few things Tony could eat without problems.

He had already lost over ten pounds, but his suits and hoodie covered his thinner frame.

He entered the pastry shop and decided to try the Tiramisu with Chocolate milk. Comfort food at its best.

He paid for the cake and decided to eat outside. He was now second guessing himself with how he handled Gibbs. There was no way in hell he'd let his boss know what was going on with him now. Or his so called 'partners'. While in his mind he was opposed to telling them, somewhere deep inside of him wanted to just let them all know. But it angered him how they all thought he was just a one-dimensional frat class clown. That all he ever cared was parties, ladies and sports. He learned that people who didn't take the time to break down his façade were simply not worth it. For a while, he thought Gibbs had seen past it and became his mentor. Right now, that couldn't be further from the truth.

Jeanne Benoit had seen a side of him, that no one in NCIS had been privileged to see. When hell broke loose, he still loved her, but he chose love for his NCIS family instead of love for the single lie that couldn't be more true to him.

Had he chosen the right path? Was there even a right path?

"Penny for your thoughts?" A young girl around her early twenties greeted him.

Tony tried to smile but his heart just wasn't in it. "Not sure they're worth your trouble," he said softly.

"I'm sure they are. Sorry, I didn't introduce myself, did I?" she said with a thoughtful look. "Well, my name is Serenity Black," she said with a smile.

"Anthony DiNozzo," Tony presented himself.

"You have no idea who I am right?" she asks him. Tony tried to remember her face. He was usually good at that, he was an agent after all. He knew he had seen her somewhere, he just didn't remember exactly where.

"I also go to Bethesda's Oncology Treatment Center. I saw you about almost two to three weeks ago. You were getting some of that oh-so-lovely toxic drug into your system."

"I knew I had seen your face somewhere, but I admit my memory is a little fuzzy from that day." Tony told her.

"Yeah, I heard the nurses talking about the awesome looking Italian going through his first round of TT and I knew it had to be you. I mean, you're candy to the eye. I mean not to me. But my cousin was ogling you completely. She has a thing for Italians, like I have for Irish."

"Haha. Awesome looking Italian? Of course it had to be me." Tony said with a smile.

"Humble much?" she said teasing him. "I see your mind is sailing through some tough waters and your thoughts just keep pulling you into the dark."

"That's saying it lightly." Tony said sipping some of the warm chocolate drink. Tony took studying the girl in front of her. If she hadn't told him that she had cancer he would've never known.

"There is a light in the end of the tunnel," she told him.

"I'm just hoping that ain't a train," he spoke back to her.

"Haha. Trust me it's not." She took a sip of her frappe. "You know I thought I was the only psycho who drove to relax. And now I find you here."

"Psycho? Us? Believe me, we're nowhere near that point." Tony said remembering killers, kidnappers, and really crazy sadist people he had the pleasure of knowing in his line of work.

"How do you know?" She asked him.

"I'm an agent, but before this I was a policeman and detective as well. In time, you learn to have a sixth sense or just a gut feeling when someone is dysfunctional."

"So I'm not dysfunctional?"

"You've struggled. It's normal."

"Then it's normal for you too."

"Wow. I didn't see this coming. Reverse psychology. Are you studying to be a shrink?"

"Not at all. But I am studying music, violin at Juilliard's. They teach you about emotions and how they can go in sync with the music to make a perfect harmony."

"That's deep. I would love to see you play sometime."

"I would play if I had my violin here. But I left it at my home."

"Home. That's the reason you did your treatment here in DC?"

"Yes. I paused my studies for a while. But now I'm well enough to go back to NYC and I for once can't wait!" she said excitedly.

"I'm really happy for you. Is good to know people can move on after this. So for you this cancer thing is over?" he asked her curiously.

"It's never officially over. But you can't live thinking 'what if'. Right now, I'm super happy. I am on remission and I am going to part of the New York Philarmonic playing at the Lincoln Center and Hall. Then we'll be traveling to LA, Greece, Paris, London, Sydney, and more." Tony could see her eyes filled with emotion.

"That's incredible!" Tony told her. "I wish I were as optimistic as you are."

"Things will get better. Come on, I'll email you all my adventures throughout the world." She said with a contagious smile. "That'll help you when you're in your blue days, but you've got to promise me that you will write back and share your pain."

"I promise I'll write back," Tony told her with a smile handing his personal email on a small pie e of paper. "Thanks for sharing."

"No problem. It's no biggie."

"You've done more than you know. Today was both a very good and bad day for me. I just had a huge fight with my boss and my mind seemed to run a thousand miles per hour. Walking around here and talking to you have helped loads." Tony told her honestly.

"Don't let your dark thoughts drag you down. I've been there and thank God I had help. In the treatment center, I've learned that older people are more guarded, way more than people my age. I'm really glad you let those walls down for me."

"I'm the one who must be thankful. And hey! Who says I'm old? I'm just thirty seven. That's young in my book."

"That's like fifteen more than me. Old man." She joked with him.

"You're just twenty-two. God I feel old! And you're in the NY Philharmonic? That's incredible! I never knew anyone playing this young."

"I doubt you would, even people living in New York don't know about it. And besides, you don't look like a Philharmonic lover to me "

"Don't let those pretty eyes fool you. I'm a New Yorker through and through and I really miss the city. There's no city like New York. I just haven't gone there much lately. I used to go to the Philharmonic presentations, many of them during summer in Central Park. Sometimes I would go there early, and since I was still a boy, the performers would let me play their piano while they were rehearsing. Good old times."

"You play the piano?" Tony nodded. "If you would've been ten years younger, I would've so fallen into you. The only thing that you would be missing is not being Irish." She said to him.

"Kid, you're doing wonders to my ego." Tony said blushing.

"Not kid, haha, my dad calls me that." She said laughing. "Friends?"

"Of course. Though, as a friend I say you are insane."

"Tony, nobody has ever taught you the ethics of friendships? You never tell them they are insane," she joked. "Not on the first day, I mean you've got to keep a good impression on your first friends day."

"I mean, who in their sane mind will start befriending someone unknown just because you've seen him on the hospital knowing fully well that this person has cancer, the deadly thing you've just recovered from?"

"Because you seem like you needed it. People can become friends just because! You shouldn't ask the nature of how friendship is made." she smiled and pulled him from his chair. "Come on as my first friendship act I proclaim that we are going to the movies. It's matinee time, three o'clock! It's cheaper this time of the day!" She told him as they walked towards the cinema.

"Sure, like if I have a choice." Tony said with a smile.

Then she continued talking.

"You don't." she said with a grin. "But is for both of our sakes, I mean with all the scheduling of my checkups, appointments, treatments, family time and all the Juilliard paperwork for me to enter the NY Philharmonic I haven't gone to the movies in months!"

"Ok. Then I'll let you pick the movie." Tony told her. He also hadn't gone to the movies in the past two months due to work and then his health problems. It felt good just going to the movies. So normal.

"How about the LION KING?" She said with a smile.

"You haven't seen it?" Tony asked surprised.

"Of course I have, but not on 3D, and come on! Don't tell me you don't want to sing along to Hakuna Matata?"

"Nope!" he feigned dislike, but it quickly turned into a smile. "I'm more thrilled to see how the song I Just Can't Wait to be King is going to look in 3D."

By the time the movie ended it was already five o'clock, so both left in separate ways promising to email each other. It had been years since Tony had befriended someone just because. And he liked it. The carefree movie left him grinning with his head held up while he drove back to Bethesda.

Author's Note: I know this is late! I know these are all excuses, but I do work and go to college. I just moved in to a new place and I admit it with the new episodes of all my favorite shows, nudge, NCIS obviously included, I haven't had time. But somehow my muse rose up yesterday and I decided to write no matter what. I guess it was the mixture of listening to Andy Grammer's song Keep Your Head Up and the very sad news brought the death of Steve Jobs, innovator and visionary. While yes, I obviously did not meet him his mind touched us all. I thought I'll commemorate a bit of his teachings in here.

Because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do. -Steve Jobs