This really is a lot of fun to write. Anyways, thanks for the reviews and the questions, please keep them coming!
Enjoy, review, and leave a question or two.
Me: Welcome back to...
Everyone: Interview With The Vampire Slayers!
Me: Thank you all for watching, today, as expected, we have our very own two Chosen Slayers, who are here to answer some of our audience's questions. Now, shall we get started? For all of you kids out there who don't know who our two favorite Chosen Slayers are, let's begin with introductions!
(B smiles brightly)
B: Hey guys! I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer! And this is my girlfriend, Faith, who is also the Vampire Slayer.
(F rolls her eyes)
F: Who, apparently, can't introduce herself.
B: I was just trying to get the introductions all at once, Faith.
F: Really? I always thought you were the one who liked to do things in halves.
(K throws in a yellow flag)
(C sips at her bottled spring water)
C: Can we stop with the lesbian bitch fighting and get on with it? I have an appointment in two hours and I need to fix my hair.
AG: What appointment?
C: At the salon. To get my hair cut.
S: You fix your bloody hair to goget your hair cut?
C: Appearances always matters.
Me: Going on then! First question is from...
(drum roll)
Me: KittySquyres! Thank you for asking more questions! Buffy, she asks of you:
"What are your thoughts on having kids? How many?"
(B tilts her head thoughtfully)
B: Well, it's a nice possibility, to have a family. It's a big step, but someday, it'd be nice. As to how many, I think...two? Two's a nice number. I mean, my mom had two girls.
(K snorts)
K: And see how well that turned out?
AY: No. I certainly don't see it.
(AY turns to X)
AY: Do you?
X: Sarcasm, honey. You might want to learn how to pick up on that sometime.
D: Gee, thanks guys.
K: Anytime.
Me: Ah, look here! We have a question for Willow!
(W peeks out)
W: Really? We do? Yay me!
(K kisses her cheek)
K: Good job baby.
Me: KittySquyres asks:
"You could come up with a spell to do that, surely. You with the mojo going on anyways?"
(W blushes red)
W: Well I actually looked into that...
(Everyone stares)
X: You did?
W: Hey! It's not like it couldn't happen, considering all the freakish other things that happens every other day. So I looked into it and yea, it's...it's do-able. Just cast the spell, get jiggy with it, and bam! You're pregnant!
(S throws up his hands)
S: Wonderful. Lesbians can have children now. Soon they'll have no need for us men, and we'll all be gotten rid of.
AY: I wish I knew about that spell when I was still a vengeance demon.
(Now everyone stares at her)
(AY is not guilty)
AY: What? It could've been very useful!
(G clears his throat and takes out a pen to take notes)
G: Yes, well, Willow, that is quite fascinating. Could you explain in detail how exactly it works?
(Everyone gapes)
W: Giles!
F: You perv. I knew you had it in ya!
D: That was wrong. So wrong. You are all paying for my therapy.
(G looks flustered)
G: I didn't...that's not what I...oh...bollocks.
(X pats him on the back knowingly)
X: It's alright, I was hoping someone would ask.
(AY, K and C smacks him)
X: OW!
Me: Okaaay then. Next, Faith, this question is for you:
"Hey, why don't you go back to school, and maybe do something other than slaying? I mean for a living. Slaying part time?"
B: Hey! That's a really good idea! Why don't you do that?
G: Certainly worth giving thought, Faith. You are quite capable of receiving a GED and pursuing your studies at a college.
AG: You definitely have the potential.
(F's eye twitches, and she looks cornered)
F: Uh...
B: And now that you're an instructor at the school, you can use the money to pay for it!
G: Now that in all intents and purposes, I am the Council, tuition will hardly be an issue.
W: Oh my Goddess! Faith is going to go to school!
D: You'll be like...a Slaying scholar!
AG: It's a great opportunity.
X: Sweet, slick! You can finally say you're certifiably smarter than me!
(Awkward pause)
AY: Has anybody else realized that all the females seem to speak in exclamations?
X: I'm pretty sure my sentences ended in exclamation points, too, An.
AY: I rest my case.
(Everyone continues to chatter)
(F finally explodes)
F: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
(Everyone shuts the fuck up)
F: Listen, school? School's not really my dig.
Everyone: But-
(F holds her hands up)
F: But, I'll think about it. Might be a good idea, I don't know. We'll see.
Me: Great! I'm sure we'll all stick behind you, whatever your decision, Faith. Now, the next questions are from...
(drum roll)
Me: Tweak! Ah, thank you as well, for participating again! Tweak's questions are mainly for Faith, but there is a comment for Buffy:
"Backstreet Boys? Seriously?...yech!"
B: I was young! And impressionable!
D: And she had a major crush on Nick Carter.
(C scoffs)
C: Clearly, Buffy, Nsync was the way to go.
B: No way! Even BSB beat Nsync, and Nick was soooo much cuter than Justin.
(C starts to look like a tea kettle)
(X notices the signs and runs for cover behind AY)
F: Uh oh. B, you've done it now.
B: What?
X: She's got a thing for Justin.
AY: Who's Justin?
X: When we were dating, I had to listen to her go on and on about Justin.
K: Made you jealous, huh?
X: Pretty much.
AY: Well there's no point in getting jealous over that! Is that why you're hiding behind me? Because Cordelia's got some thing for this Justin character?
(X pales)
X: No, An, honey...that's not-
AY: Well I can get you a thing, too! Look! I have a thing for you!
(AY snatches the pen from G's hand and hands it to X)
AY: There! Now you have a thing from me. Are you done being jealous?
X: Uh...sure, An. Thanks for the pen.
(AY glares at him)
AY: It's a thing!
(X hides behind D)
X: Sure! A thing! Thanks for the thing, An!
(F snorts)
F: Well that's cleared up. What're the questions for me?
Me: Alrighty, Faith! Tweak asks a couple things. The first is:
"You against Rambo. Who would win?"
F: Pfft. Me.
S: You think so, do you?
F: Guy's got skills, but I could take him out easy.
X: He's got scary knives!
F: So do I, you all can testify to that.
W: I sure can.
(F looks apologetic)
(W smiles in acceptance)
X: Yea, but he's all macho, and big, and manly-
C: And everything that you're not.
AY: Obviously you've never slept with him before.
(Everyone looks grossed out)
D: I repeat, you all have a lot of therapy money to pay.
S: Anyways, how would you beat Rambo? If he's anything like the movie, then he's a bloody tough one to kill.
F: I have a secret weapon that can disable just about anyone. Then all I have to do is take'm out.
W: Really? What is it?
F: This.
(F pretends to reach for something in her pocket, then instantly flashes everybody)
(Everybody is rendered useless, and they are gaping like dying fish)
F: Oh come on. That wasn't even two seconds.
(S shakes his head a little)
S: No, maybe you should give us a longer dosage of your...secret weapon?
(B grabs F's hands and keeps them still)
B: No way! You all have seen way too much already!
K: Not that anybody here minded. Did you mind, Willow?
W: Me? Nope! No minding here at all! It was a really...really great tactic, Faith!
F: Thanks Red.
AG: Yea, it'll definitely come in handy in...fighting.
X: And sparring. Hey, Faith, you wanna spar sometime?
D: Want me to smack him for you, Anya?
AY: No, I completely understand where he's coming from. Faith, I believe since I am your honorary 'best friend', I should be given the privilege of sparring with you first.
B: NO!
(B turns to F)
B: No sparring with anyone but me!
(F tries to look innocent)
F: But B, what if someone wants to learn some of my moves? Can't teach'm if I don't get...hands-on.
(F wiggles her eyebrows)
C: Or hands down.
F: Think you could take me?
C: I can make up my own variation of your 'secret weapon'.
F: You're so going down.
(C quirks an eyebrow and smirks)
C: Is that an offer?
B: No, it's not an offer! Faith!
F: I can't help that I'm irresistible, B. Comes with the package. Take it or leave it.
S: Please, leave it...for the rest of us to take.
(B scowls)
B: I don't think so. She's all mine.
(B wraps herself around F)
(F doesn't mind at all)
Me: Um...right. Okay. Next question for Faith from Tweak is:
"Have you ever sung before?"
F: Yea, that one night after I blew up in the back of the club. You all remember?
Me: I believe it was Chapter 10, Feeling Faithless. You sang that one song by Paramore.
F: Conspiracy.
G: Beautifully sung, might I add.
C: I think you gave Lorne Major Depressive Disorder, though.
AG: It might've been Manic Depressive.
F: Not my fault you guys had a friggin' search party.
AG: Well...
F: Don't finish that, Soulboy. I'll pummel your head in.
Me: Well then, last question from Tweak:
"Have you ever intentionally -- Buffy off just for fun when you were bored?"
Me: Sorry to say, but if you leave a bad word in the review box, well...it shows up as little astericks. So we're going to have to improvise. I believe it's 'pissed'.
F: I probably shouldn't answer that question anyway.
B: Good response.
(Long pause while F's eyes skirt around)
(F explodes)
F: Yes!
(F cracks up)
B: FAITH!
(B smacks F)
F: Oh come on, B. Remember that one time at the club, when that cute chick was hitting on me?
K: The blonde one, right? I remember!
(W glares, hands on her hips)
W: I remember the 'blonde one's' friend trying to hit on you!
F: It was Xan-man's birthday party, and we were all out at the bar, and Buffy and I were in a fight anyway, so I wasn't really sitting all that close to her and I guess you could say I was kinda bored.
Me: What was the fight about?
F: She got mad because I was kind of rude to one of the parents.
G: I believe 'rude' is an understatement.
Me: What happened?
F: Well the lady was being all bitchy to one of my students, so I told her to come back when she was being more rational, but she went all, 'this is my child, don't tell me what to do with her' and well...
B: Faith went off and told her to 'take a chill pill, or stick it up your ass and get laid' before she ever came back to see her kid.
F: So B and Giles were mad, I argued with them about it, we were at the club later, cute chick was literally begging for me to buy her a drink, so I figured it'd be nice to make a few friends outside our little circle.
(B crosses her arms and grumbles)
B: Define friends.
F: Plus, I thought it'd be an interesting way to piss B off. Get her back for getting on my case.
(B pouts)
B: Oh, cause clearly that's the only way to get me back.
AY: Buffy, I'm trying to listen to Faith's amusing story of vengeance. Please shut up.
X: Uh...An, not a good idea to piss off a Slayer.
AY: It's okay, Xander, Buffy can't get me back because I wouldn't be upset if another female type tried to hit on her. Therefore, I am safe from her vengeance.
Me: So what happened?
F: I bought her some drinks, danced with her, she tried to kiss me, B broke the chick's nose, then we went home and had make-up sex. All in all it ended pretty well.
B: Yep. I'd say so.
K: Except Buffy still had to pay for the hospital bills.
AY: Really, Buffy, it's just like you to waste good money with your temper.
(B looks indignant)
B: My temper?
AY: See? Anger. Maybe you should participate in some anger management classes.
W: It wasn't really Buffy's fault, Anya. Jealousy kinda makes people wiggy.
AY: Like you?
W: What?
(AY sighs impatiently)
AY: Am I the only one who remembers you getting into a drunken brawl with the two girls who were trying to touch Kennedy?
F: Nope. I remember. That was fun.
B: You smashed a bottle of Bud Light on one of the girl's head!
(F shrugs)
F: It's not like she noticed. Besides, you're one to talk. You were doing the whole Tarzan yell and flinging chairs around!
B: I had a lot to drink!
K: Pfft. Lightweight.
B: Shut up.
K: Make me.
(F holds B back, W holds K back)
Me: Sooo. Next. We have questions from...
(drum roll)
Me: QuitersxNeverxWin! The question for Buffy is:
"Hypothetically if Faith were to die again, do you think you would make another "James mistake?" Or would you immediately run to Willow and force her to bring her back? Because I'm really hoping it's the second one."
F: Huh. You're not the only one hoping.
B: Of course I'd beg Willow to bring her back! Not that she's going to die anytime soon. Not if I can help it.
AY: Well then I guess we'll all see Faith when she's re-resurrected! I hope you aren't sent to a Hell dimension this time, Faith.
(F laughs nervously)
F: Why would I be re-resurrected, An? I'm still...you know, here.
AY: Buffy said you weren't going to die if she can help it, but most likely she can't, so you're probably going to die.
B: Thanks for the support, Anya, you're a great help.
AY: I do what I can.
S: The Slayer was being bloody sarcastic.
AY: Why would she do that? I provide all the much-needed sarcasm.
AG: More like the not-so-much-needed literalism.
Me: And for Faith, the question is:
"If you had the chance to get Buffy to do anything you wanted, what would you make her do?"
(F smiles mischievously)
F: Hmm. That's a good question.
S: I could give you a few suggestions.
B: Please don't. I'd rather not hear them.
X: I would!
(The three muchachas smack X once again)
W: I would've hoped you'd learn by now, Xander. Really.
X: Can I help that I'm a male? I am guided by my groin!
C: That can easily be fixed.
(X's eyes widen, he hides behind AY again)
(AY, who didn't hear what C said, glares suspiciously)
AY: Does Cordelia have a thing again?
X: What? No!
AY: Then why are you hiding behind me like you're scared?
K: Because Cordy just threatened to cut off his balls.
AY: What did he do?
C: He responded to a statement like a typical male.
AY: Oh.
(AY steps aside to reveal X)
AY: Go right ahead.
X: AN!
(X runs)
(C follows casually)
C: Oh Xaaaanndeerrrr!
(X's voice is heard from a distance)
X: BE GONE, SATAN!
(AY is tilting her head thoughtfully)
AY: I've always wondered how much castration hurts.
G & S & AG: A lot.
AY: Has it happened to you?
G: God forbid.
S: Hell no!
AG: Definitely not.
Me: Anyways, Faith? Are you done thinking?
F: Yea. First I thought I'd make her dress up in a school girl outfit, but I can save that for Halloween. Then I thought, striptease! But I could request that for my birthday. Really, all the sexy shit can be taken care of on my own.
B: Oh you're that sure, huh, Faith?
F: Pretty much, B.
(B looks curious)
B: So what would you make me do?
(F grins)
F: Hey An? If you go to the restroom, there's a dollar bill under the sink.
AY: Well why didn't you tell me earlier? I'll be right back!
(AY runs to the restroom)
(F turns to B)
F: I'd make you go up to Anya dressed like a big white fluffy bunny.
(Everyone gasps and the world goes silent for a second)
G: D-do y-you rea-realize the-the catastrophe that could cause?!
F: Nope, but I'll be there to catch it on video!
W: Let us all pray that you never get the chance to make Buffy do whatever you want.
F: Psh. You pray. I'll keep hoping it happens.
Me: Well that's frightening, and I'll be sure to run for cover when it happens. But for now, we're gonna have to see to our last question of the day. It's from...
(drum roll)
Me: Wikked Wolfie! Thanks for joining us! Alright, so this question's for you, Faith, and it is:
"So, everybody knows that Cordy is one hot chick, WOULD you hit that?"
G: Oh dear.
C: What an obviously bright person.
(B scowls)
F: Well honestly? Yea.
(B pouts)
F: But not now, cause I mean, I'm with B.
B: Are you saying that if you weren't with me, you'd be with Cordelia?
F: No! I'm not saying that, you didn't let me finish!
B: Well your logic is that if you're with me, you aren't with Cordelia, so if you're not with me, you're with Cordelia! Which means...
(B continues to rant)
(At this time, AY returns)
AY: Faith, you liar! There was no dollar bill under the sink!
F: Kinda busy trying to save my relationship here, An.
AY: Well, you lied. It was just a quarter. You must've mistaken it for a dollar.
F: Yea. I must've.
B: ...I can't even believe you would consider...
AY: Maybe you should get your eyes checked. Because a quarter and a dollar...they're really far from similar. In looks, anyway.
K: I really don't think she cares, Anya.
AY: Really? Why not? I'd be concerned if I mistook a quarter for a dollar. It would make for horrible accounting skills.
W: She's a little busy getting a lecture from Buffy.
(W points over at F cringing away from a livid B)
AY: Buffy does talk a lot, doesn't she?
B: ...so how could you just say that so casually?! I mean-
(F holds her hands up)
F: B! Buffy! Listen! I meant I would, because Cordy's a hot number for sure, but I wouldn't now, because I love you, and I want you, and you're all I need to keep me happy! Just you!
(B is still pouting)
B: Just me?
(F smiles, dimples and all)
F: Just you, you nut.
(F leans in to kiss B)
Audience: Aww!
Me: Well isn't that just so sweet?
C: Yea. Until she dumps her and comes to me.
B: NO DUMPING!!
(B lunges at C)
(A catfight construes once again)
F: I really do need a video camera!
Me: Leave your reviews and questions at the end! Thank you, and goodnight!
(Ending theme song)