Wow, there were a lot of questions, so this took me a couple hours to write. Anyways, enjoy and review, please!
(Opening theme song)
Me: Hey guys! And welcome back to our very own...
Everyone: Interview With The Vampire Slayers!
F: Do we really have to say that every time?
Me: Yes, yes you do.
K: Uh...why?
Me: Because I said so.
AY: You really should show me how that works. I wish people would do this just because I had a whim and said so.
(F smirks)
F: Doesn't that work with Xan-man anyway?
(AY looks suspicious)
AY: How would you know?
(AY turns to X)
AY: Do you do whatever Faith asks of you, just because she says so?
X: I...what?!
D: She meant that he does whatever you ask him to do.
AY: Oh. Well why didn't she just say that, then?
Me: Erm...going on! Since we're all familiar with our two Chosen Slayers, Buffy and Faith, we'll go ahead and start with the questions! First questions are from...
(drum roll)
Me: ToryV! Thank you for participating! Alright, so the question for Buffy is:
"If you HAD to dust Angel or Spike, which one would you dust?"
(Everyone goes silent)
S: I don't think I like this question very much, loves.
(F smirks)
F: Hear that, B? Vamp says he's in love with us.
(AY pats S sympathetically)
AY: I'm sorry, but I'm taken.
(S rolls eyes)
AG: I'm not too fond of the idea of being dusted at all.
(C rolls her own eyes)
C: Well it's a good thing two of your closest friends just happen to be vampire Slayers, hm? Yea. Tough luck.
(B looks a little panicked)
B: Do I really have to answer that? This is all optional, right?
K: Sure, Buffy, if you don't want all the fans out there getting their titchy little feelings hurt and all because you wouldn't answer their questions.
B: Kennedy, I'm sure we've gone over this already, but I really don't like you.
(K turns to a frowning W)
K: See, baby? Buffy and I actually have a common ground!
(B grumbles)
B: I'll smash your face into the common ground.
W: Um, Buffy? The question?
B: I really don't think that I want to answer that. Because I really don't know-
F: I'll give you the easy way out, B.
(Whispering)
F: Spike.
S: What?
(AG looks relieved)
AG: I was the first person to not give up on her. Ever.
S: Well it's not my bloody fault I didn't get a chance to guide you with redemption and all that. Besides, I saved your sodding arse with the whole Master deal in 'This Is Hell'!
F: Yea, but you sucked me of my blood; kinda lost cookie points for that.
AY: Is that what they're calling it these days?
(S motions towards AG)
S: So did that ponce!
AG: I wasn't myself!
(S sneers)
S: Oh, I'm sure you've used that excuse a lot, eh?
F: Take a joke and a chill pill, Spikey-boy. I wouldn't let B stake the either of you, if she had to or not. Whatever circumstance that is, it's gonna be kissing our asses in the end.
G: What a delightfully optimistic perspective, Faith.
F: Besides, B would never do that. Ever.
B: She's got a point there.
(S and AG sigh in relief)
B: Unless you somehow threatened or were about to kill Faith, in which then I would have to promptly and suitably destroy you.
S: Don't mess with the girl. Right.
AG: Gotcha.
B: Great! Then it's all set.
Me: Fantastic! Thank you, Buffy. The next question is actually for Spike, and it is:
"How do you feel about Billy Idol ripping off your look...Or is it the other way around?"
(S grits his teeth)
S: Bloody fucking ponce, it's definitely him stealing my look!
D: Yea, it's not his fault Billy caught sight of him in the local gay bar in his early years.
S: I resent that!
K: Why, cause it's true?
B: Oh he's definitely not gay.
(F frowns at that)
F: Alright Blondie version bleach. You just lost all your brownie points.
(AY looks confused)
AY: I thought it was cookie points.
X: It's metaphorically the same, An.
AY: Ugh. I hate metaphors.
C: Ugh would be the best way to describe your comment, Blondie version I-don't-know-how-to-dye-my-hair.
(B's hands fly up to her hair)
B: Hey!
S: And as for how I feel, I hate it when everyone I meet comes up to me and gives me the whole "Oh-my-God-it's-Billy-Idol" gibberish, in which most cases I just killed them. But now there's just a bunch of screaming boys and girlies out there who think Billy Idol's a vampire. I've given him a lot of bad media for that you know.
AG: He prides himself on it, actually.
S: Who says being a good vampire doesn't have its perks?
Me: Well thank you, Spike, for your response. Alright then next we-
(Crewman comes over and whispers in my ear)
Me: Wow! Alright, so there's been a huge influx of questions these evening! So we're gonna change it up a bit. We will have all the questions up for each character - if you have any - and then we'll go around answering all of them! Got it? Okay! So let's go ahead and put up all the questions for Buffy.
(B whispers to F)
B: How come I always have to go first and you get to end them?
(F whispers back)
F: Because people like to start vanilla, then end with a little kink.
(F winks)
Me: From QuitersxNeverxWin...
(drum roll)
"Now that I know what Faith would make you do I was curious as to what you would make Faith do if you had the chance?"
Me: From kool-aidrocks2008...
(drum roll)
"Where would your dream wedding be?"
Me: From Tweak...
(drum roll)
"Did you watch that show Tru calling? Eliza Dushku's a real looker, aye?"
(F whistles)
Me: From Heartbrake Angel...
(drum roll)
"This is following the question from the last one if you could make Faith do anything what would it be?"
Me: From shygirl926...
(drum roll)
"What's the craziest thing you've ever done with Faith?"
Me: Thank you all for asking your questions! Well, Buffy, looks like there's a good amount of questions to be answered, huh?
(B quirks an eyebrow)
B: Uh...yea.
Me: Yup, well two of those are very similar, but you could answer that in one. So, we'll start with that. Our audience wants to know, what would you make Faith do, if you could make her do anything at all?
B: There is one thing in this world that Faith wouldn't do, even if I used 'the pout' as a weapon against her.
F: And believe me, it's really hard to resist.
K: Kind of like Willow's 'resolve face'. You're really just not sure if you should run away screaming or pinch their cheeks.
(F waggles her eyebrows)
F: Which cheeks is the real question.
Me: Going on...
B: Right. So like I said, one thing. Well, two things, really, but I'd never ask her to get rid of her boots, anyway-
D: That'd be like asking Buffy to intentionally get rid of Mr. Gordo.
AY: Is that the ridiculous looking stuffed pig you used to cuddle with in bed? Honestly, Buffy, were you that lonesome as a teenager? I understand that you were probably sexually frustrated, but-
B: ANYWAYS, I'd make Faith drink less.
(Everyone looks skeptical)
S: That's it? That's all?
B: I told you, that's the one thing she wont do! Everything else is brought to pass or end by 'the pout'!
(F shrugs meekly)
F: It's a strong weapon?
(K & S shakes their heads)
S: Pathetic. Bloody pathetic.
F: Excuse me? You went and got a soul for her, and you didn't even get the girl!
S: Hey! Touchy subject!
AG: In comparison to the way you treat your hair?
S: I'll have you know that I've gotten this hair to the bloody perfection.
(C gives dazzling smile to anyone who might pass by)
C: Looks matter.
Me: Okaaay. Second question, which was:
"Where would your dream wedding be?"
B: Hey well I guess now that the laws are changed I can do that, huh? Hmm...I used to think I'd be having a typical white wedding, in a church, with all my family and friends-
(F continues in singsong voice)
F: With Riley...
(D makes face)
D: Oh gross. Never again.
B: I thought you liked Riley!
D: Sure I did. When he wasn't All-American Boy.
X: He never wasn't that.
D: Exactly.
AY: I'm pretty sure in some roundabout double negative human logic, she never liked him.
X: Yea, I think I just got that.
B: Maybe just a small gathering with my friends. As long as it's with Faith, it'll pass for dream-like.
Audience: Aww!
(F smiles brightly)
F: I know, I'm lucky, right?
Me: You very much are! Alrighty Buffy! Next question was:
"Did you watch that show Tru Calling? Eliza Dushku's a real looker, aye?"
F: Hells yea! Hot stuff!
K: Just cause you guys look similar-
F: Means we're hot. End of story.
C: She is really pretty. Maybe I'll call her up.
B: Nuh uh! You can't start chasing women that look like Faith, just because you can't have Faith!
(C rolls her eyes)
C: Jealous much?
X: Ignore her, Buffster. What's the response?
(B calms down)
B: Eliza Dushku definitely is attractive, very cutesy city-girl in the show, and we've got some similar qualities! With the hero-bit and saving people's lives...
X: Well except she actually helps dead people come back to life in a weird way. You just...kinda kill the dead. Again.
G: Being a Slayer is a very important calling, Xander, you know that.
W: Yea! It's like, like, an insurance policy for people!
D: An insurance policy?
W: You know, it's like, nobody really wants to be a vampire after they die, but they can't really help it, so you get a Slayer to help make sure once you die, you're really dead! With the dusting and poof tactic!
(G cleans his glasses)
G: Ah, yes, Willow. I believe that's a...very interesting method of looking at it.
Me: Um, okay. Last question for Buffy is:
"What's the craziest thing you've ever done with Faith?"
F: Well shit, if you really wanted to know about our sex lives, you just had to ask. Did you mean position, or place?
(B smacks her)
B: Faith!
(F looks innocent)
F: What, B? I was just asking for clarification! Besides, I don't ever remember doing anything much crazier than fucking in Giles' office with your favorite-
(B, clearly mortified, lunges on F and clamps a hand on her mouth)
B: Faith!
(F's voice is muffled)
(G looks like he's going to pass out)
G: I believe I may lose my lunch. And breakfast.
D: I'm sure we can find a therapist somewhere in Cleveland.
(K gives B & F an impressed look)
K: I'm actually pretty impressed.
(W sighs)
W: You would be.
(X gulps)
X: Will you, you know, tell us about it? And spare us no detail!
G: Oh dear God.
(F smirks)
F: He had nothing to do with it, G. Believe me. Though B was calling his name like she was never gonna make it past-
(B slaps a hand over F's mouth again, eyes wide)
B: Faith!
Me: Oh wow...that sounds kinda hot. But let's get moving, shall we?
S: Hey wait just a minute, I want to hear this story now.
(AG hides a grin)
AG: I won't object.
(C sighs)
C: You pervs.
K: Come on, Cordelia. I know you can't have something against the idea. I don't.
X: See? Everyone's altogether on this. Right Willow?
(W turns bright red)
W: I-I...um...w-well I just don't think...
(D crosses her arms and shouts)
D: Are you shitting me?
B: Dawn! Language!
(D ignores B, and continues to yell at X)
D: Xander Harris, you are such a male and I definitely do not need to be hearing about my sister's sex life! Now shut your mouth and don't even think about saying another word or you'll regret it!
(X hides)
(AY nods impressively)
AY: Well done, Dawn. Very 'female empowerment'.
(D beams)
D: Thanks, Anya! I had a lot of practice.
S: On what, your Ken dolls?
Me: Okay, so there's actually a question for Dawn, Willow, and Anya each! For Dawn, from Heartbrake Angel:
"How does it fell to be treated like a baby by Buffy?"
D: Like shit?
B: I don't treat you like a baby, I treat you like my little sister.
D: Where's the difference?
B: Dawn, I'm just trying to look after you the best that I can. I know it seems like I'm pressing on you but I just wanted you to have a good childhood-
D: Buffy, I'm not a child anymore! I appreciate your sister act, but that's what you are, Buffy! My sister, not Mom!
(Everyone goes silent)
C: Wow. Somber.
Everyone except B & D: Shush!
(C whispers to K)
C: Sorry, just trying to keep things level with the humor, since, you know, this is a comedy show/fanfic?
(K whispers back)
K: I get where you're coming from, but it's a pretty sensitive topic.
Me: You know what? Buffy? Dawn? Why don't you both go into one of the rooms down the hall and talk it out? There are some things that need to be settled, but I'm sure you don't want an audience for it.
(D storms off)
(B looks very sad)
B: Yes, that would be nice, thank you.
Me: No problem at all, I hope things settle for the best.
(F squeezes B's hand and gives her a peck)
F: It'll be okay, baby.
(B heads off)
Me: While that is going, why don't we take a short break?
(Intermission theme song that sounds suspiciously like elevator music)
Me: And we're back, with...
Everyone: Interview With The Vampire Slayers!
Me: Buffy and Dawn have come back to join us with happy smiles on their faces and their sisterly love restored. Now, we shall proceed to the questions for Anya and Willow. Interestingly enough, it seems that both are about Faith!
(W looks a little nervous)
(AY seems unconcerned)
(B furrows her brows)
B: About Faith? Why about Faith? And what about Faith?
F: I guess we'll see, B.
Me: Starting now, Xander, and before I ask the questions, you may want to have some duct tape ready if you don't want to blurt out something inappropriate, or risk drooling.
X: Oh gosh.
(X looks around frantically)
X: Duct tape? Anyone?
K: I found a stapler.
(X backs away slowly)
X: Uh...thanks, but no thanks, Ken. I can...I can do without the staples.
K: Then tough luck. No tape.
X: I guess I can just try to hold my tongue.
AY: What an absolutely ridiculous idea, Xander. Do you realize how utterly idiotic you would look?
Me: From Obsidian Twilight, the question for Anya is:
"Since you and Faith are 'best friends', would you ever consider the two of you being something more than that?"
(X's mouth drops open)
(K & C snort)
(G walks off, muttering about waiting in the car)
(Security won't let him)
(S & AG look amused)
(W blushes)
(D sighs about therapy)
(F smirks)
(B massages her temple)
B: Why was I expecting that?
AY: 'Something more'? How can you be more than something? 'Something' already implies that there's a thing - which I've already given to Xander, so that's shaky business - and besides, there can't be more than whatever it is. So I don't understand the question.
S: The people want to know if you would ever consider dating and shagging the bloody Slayer.
AY: Which one?
Everyone except B & F: Faith!
AY: Oh! Well why didn't they just say so?
Me: They did, you just took it...literally.
AY: Well I always do.
K: Just answer the question already!
AY: Fine. Then no, I've never considered dating Faith, because I'm already with Xander and Faith is with Buffy, and the rule of dating is that you're only supposed to be dating one person at a time.
(Almost everyone looks a little disappointed with the response)
(But AY isn't done)
AY: But of course I've considered having sex with her. I really don't know anybody who hasn't, and I've had several erotic fantasies in which me and Faith are in the process of sharing orgasms. They're all very nice.
(X drools)
(K & C share an I-ate-the-canary smile)
(W flushes)
(AG coughs)
(G chokes)
(D groans)
(F tries not to smirk)
(B glares)
(S lifts an eyebrow)
S: Leave it to the word literal ex-demon to spark the erotic ridden images.
AY: Well they asked.
Me: They certainly did. Thank you, Anya, for your very honest answer. The next is for Willow. Willow, shygirl926 wants to know:
"Would you hook up with Faith?"
(B grits her teeth)
(W's face is redder than her hair)
(K bursts out laughing)
(C is doubled over)
(S grins)
(G searches for earplugs)
(D helps)
(AG tries not to smile)
(F's eyes widen)
(There is are beginnings of a puddle at X's feet)
(AY is trying to figure out how to steal the dollar bill stuck to the janitor's shoe)
Me: Well, Willow?
(W squeaks)
W: D-do I...I don't...this is a bad idea...
K: Oh, you have to answer this.
S: And honestly. True to your choice of God.
K: Dess. Choice of Goddess.
(W looks nervously towards B)
S: Ey, no looking at the bloody Slayer. She can't hurt you for telling the truth!
Me: That's right, Willow, although we allow catfights to occur, we don't condone actual injuries to be given or received.
X: But what about-
Me: You don't count.
X: But-
Me: Please continue with your response, Willow.
W: W-well...I um...since I have to be honest here, with the whole telling the truth theme we have going, I guess I'll just spit it out and then it'll be over with. Not that I want the show to be over, but the question and the answer part of it, as in my question and answer part of it. But I guess the question's already asked, so I suppose I should be getting on with the answer right about-
Everyone: Now, Willow. Now!
(W squeals)
W: Yes!
(Everyone gapes)
(Even F)
(Except AY, who happily fondles her new dollar bill)
F: You would? Me? You'd hook up with me?
(W looks guilty)
W: Well yea, I mean, Anya already told everyone that everyone she knows has thought about stuff with you, so it really shouldn't be a surprise. But I wouldn't hook up with you now, now, because, duh! I'm in love with Kennedy and you're in love with Buffy! And it's all on a purely physical sense, not that I don't like you on a emotional or spiritual sense, Faith, just that sometimes you kinda scare me, but I don't mean that in a bad way at all, but I know that Buffy and you are like, perfect for each other and I think she can truly fit you the best and-and-
(K stops her with a breathtaking kiss)
(F catcalls)
(B can't help but smile)
(K pulls away)
K: I had to stop you before you passed out on the floor and into Xander's puddle of drool.
W: How chivalrous of you.
C: And yet, so not.
K: You keep out of it.
C: The puddle? Gladly.
Me: Thank you for your honest response, Willow, and thank you Kennedy for saving her before she died from lack of breath. Next! All the questions for Faith! Shall we list them all?
Audience: Yes!
Me: Alright! Xander, grab a mop! From ToryV...
(drum roll)
"If you had to choose between never having sex again or chopping off your left foot, which would you choose?"
(F cringes visibly)
(So does X)
Me: And also from ToryV...
(drum roll)
"Whats the weirdest thing you have ever gotten Buffy to say/scream in the sack?"
(F grins)
(B turns red)
Me: From QuitersxNeverxWin...
(drum roll)
"Anya, Giles, and Willow. Who would you kiss, who would you kill, and who would you fuck?"
(G takes off his glasses to clean again)
(AY smiles brightly, waving her dollar bill towards F)
(W flushes again)
Me: From kool-aidrocks2008...
(drum roll)
"What's your middle name?"
(B looks relieved)
Me: From Tweak...
(drum roll)
"What is one thing that Buffy does that annoys you to no end?"
(Now B pouts)
Me: From Obsidian Twilight...
(drum roll)
"You and Cordelia together would be so hot... Of course, she's just your friend, right?"
(C smirks)
(B scowls)
Me: From Heartbrake Angel...
(drum roll)
"Before you met everyone what relationships were you in or was it just get some get gone?"
Me: From shygirl926...
(drum roll)
"If you had to have sex with any guy from the group, who would it be?"
(All males except G perk up)
Me: And that's it!
(B crosses arms angrily)
B: WHY, pray tell, do all these people want to know about you and sex?!
(F is sheepish)
F: I can't really tell ya, B. I really don't know...
C: Because she oozes sex from her pores and could easily turn any straight female gay and any gay male straight?
S: Nicely put.
C: I know.
F: Besides, there's one about you and sex, too.
B: Uh yea. One that I don't want you to answer!
(K laughs)
K: Someone's in trouble.
B: Shut up before I cut your tongue off!
(K shuts up)
F: Good threat, B.
B: Threaten a lesbian to take out her tongue and she won't give you too much trouble.
Me: Well not to cut your conversation off, but Faith, please answer the first question:
"If you had to choose between never having sex again or chopping off your left foot, which would you choose?"
(F cringes again)
X: Oh mercy on our souls!
F: Yeeeaaa...not too fond of this one.
AY: It's really easy once you have the question of whether or not masturbation is considered sex or not is answered.
C: I think masturbation is excluded.
AY: Well then that makes it harder.
F: It's a toughie.
AY: Of course. The only issue of not having a left foot is not being able to walk properly, but then you have walkers, fake feet, wheelchairs, all sorts of transportable devices. And the only issue of not having sex again is that you get no orgasms, which is tragic, but if you're allowed to masturbate, you can still orgasm. It's not as much fun, but that's that.
(AY thinks for a moment)
AY: Of course, if you're not allowed to masturbate, then the best choice would be to chop off your left foot. Though I really don't see the point of being specific about feet. It's either one or the other.
F: Thanks An. You made um...a good point, I guess.
AY: You're welcome.
F: I guess if I get to masturbate, I'd had to give up sex.
(Everyone gasps and stares)
F: What?
D: You're not just a sex fiend; you're the sex fiend!
W: You crave it like girls crave chocolate!
AG: And you get really cranky when you don't get it.
F: Yea, but I can't go without Slaying either, and even if I could move without a left foot doesn't mean I can jump around and kick undead ass.
K: Ooh. Good point.
B: And very unselfish of you.
(B kisses her)
F: Thanks. I thought so. Hope that choice never comes up though.
(F shudders)
Me: For your sake, we all hope. Now, the next question was:
"Whats the weirdest thing you have ever gotten Buffy to say/scream in the sack?"
(B jumps up and searches for something)
F: Uh B? Whatcha looking for?
B: There's gotta be a skip button somewhere!
Me: Nope, no skips, I'm afraid. Faith has to respond, though she doesn't have to literally answer the question.
(B looks relieved and sits down)
B: Oh good.
F: Who says I'm not gonna literally answer the question?
B: Um...me. Duh.
F: Pfft. Oh I'll answer.
B: No, you won't.
F: Watch me.
(F smiles, dimples and all)
F: So this was actually during the whole deal in Giles' office. It was late, they were out on some field trip with the girls, me and B were looking for one of the girls' files in G-man's office, and-
B: Don't you dare.
F: -we'd just gotten home from a really busy patrol. And even though we'd taken our showers and we were in night clothes, I was hot. That's a double entendre. In case some of you-
B: Faith...
F: -didn't get it. But Buffy was all responsible-gal so I had to help her look, but it's a little uncomfortable when you've got a big strap-on dil-
B: FAITH!
F: What?! I'm trying to tell the story here!
B: If you say anymore about that night, I will be the one holding out for a month. And I'll abuse 'the pout' every turn I get so that you'll have to wash dishes and do the laundry.
(F whines)
F: But Beeeeeee...
B: No buts.
(F sighs and pouts)
F: Oh fine.
(B smiles)
B: Good.
Me: Well, since I'm sure most of us can just use our imagination for the rest of that, I suppose we'll move on to the next question, which was:
"Anya, Giles, and Willow. Who would you kiss, who would you kill, and who would you fuck?"
F: How the hell did they get from kiss, to kill, to fuck?
Me: I'm the wrong person to ask.
G: I'll volunteer to be killed. Active immediately.
F: Oh come on, G. I know you've probably thought about having a roll in the sack with me.
(F winks)
(G reddens)
F: Yea, that's what I thought. But since I only got one choice for each, I guess I'd kiss Red, kill G-man, and I'd definitely fuck Anya.
AY: The girl has remarkable taste.
B: She tastes pretty remarkable, too.
(Everyone gapes)
(Especially F)
(D runs screaming)
D: THERAPY! THERAPEEEEE!
F: Damn B! Didn't know you had it in ya!
AG: I'm betting it's the jealousy speaking. Making you bolder in your statements.
K: What are you, a shrink?
AY: No, silly girl, he's a vampire.
Me: Alrighty, so the next one for Faith is:
"What's your middle name?"
B: Finally, a normal question.
S: Well, considering all the other bloody questions, this one's a mite abnormal.
B: As long as it has nothing to do with sex, it's fine by me.
(C scoffs)
C: Sex is her middle name.
AY: What?! What were your parents on, drugs?!
(F shrugs)
F: Yea, probably. Don't know about Dad, but Mom was big on snorting coke.
Me: Uh...the question?
F: Right. Would it surprise you if I told you that I don't have a middle name?
X: Really? That's kinda weird.
AY: But you just said that Sex was your middle name!
S: It's a bloody expression, Anya, an expression! You've been living with humans for years now; pick up on the damn expressions!
(AY grumbles)
F: The rents kinda forgot about that part. Not that I even need my last name.
B: I like your last name.
F: Eh. Lost1n7heDark personally believes that I lost some of my mystery when my last name was revealed. And when my history was all written out. It made me all the more dangerous when you only got bits and pieces.
Me: Because it's true. But ah well, can't change what's past. So, next question. It is:
"What is one thing that Buffy does that annoys you to no end?"
(B frowns)
B: I think these people are biased against me. Do you get that?
D: I think they all want to see me ruined, that's what I think.
S: Surprise, surprise. The Summers' women are all victims of the cruel, cruel, suburban lifestyle of middle-class America. Whatever shall they sodding do?
B: Hey!
D: Yea, hey!
Me: Hey hey hey! That's a good line. I'm gonna have to use it sometime.
S: Thank you. I used to be in theatre.
AG: That explains everything.
S: What's that supposed to mean?
(C & K & AY glance at each other before glancing at him)
C & K & AY: You're gay.
(S growls)
S: I am not gay. If I'm gay, then so is Angel.
(AG looks startled)
AG: What?
C: Yea, I guess I can see that, too.
K: Same here.
AY: There has always been that unresolved sexual tension between the two of you. Kind of like Buffy and Faith except vampiresque.
Me: Uh...well...okay then...
AY: You didn't get that?
Me: So far they seemed pretty straight to me.
C: Yea, but look at Buffy. She's straight girl poster child.
K: And Faith's been through her half-the-world's share of manmeat.
AY: Which is perfectly acceptable in a slutty, whorish kind of way.
(I look hopefully towards F)
Me: Um...Faith? Please answer the question before I hear any more.
F: I guess her whole self-righteous act is the most annoying thing. Does that annoy anybody else?
Audience: Yes.
S: Bloody yes. To a T.
AG: Maybe a little.
K: It never fails to piss me off.
D: Um duh.
C: Don't. Get me started.
AY: Well isn't that what Buffy's best at?
(B & X & W & G blink)
(W turns to X)
W: Did you ever realize...?
X: No, not at all. Maybe we just missed it?
W: For all those years?
G: It is possible that we might have...
B: Can we please not talk about it like I'm not right here?
W: Sorry Buffy.
X: Yea, sorry Buffster.
G: Dreadfully sorry about that.
(Everyone else in singsong)
Everyone else: Whiiiippped!
Me: Alrighty! So the next question was:
"You and Cordelia together would be so hot... Of course, she's just your friend, right?"
F: Yea, of course.
B: Though if this keeps up, your 'friend' is gonna go missing.
C: Don't you threaten me, missy. I'll shove my Jimmy Choo shoes up your ass so far, you'll be seeing stars!
(B jumps out her seat and scowls)
B: How 'bout I shove this stake up your ass, then what, you skank?
C: What?
B: What?
C: What!
B: What!
X: Huh?
(F pulls B back)
F: Yea, guys, sorry to burst your bubble, but there ain't no way you girlies are black enough to scream 'what' at each other like that.
C: Excuse me, Faith, but I'll have you know that...one of my co-workers is an African American.
B: And I worked under one. Not literally.
F: Yea, and I slept with both. So what? That still don't make you anywhere near black.
AG: You slept with Gunn?!
F: Well...yea. Sorry 'bout the vase, by the way.
AG: That was you two? How in the world-actually no, please don't answer that.
F: Okay. Sorry. Kinda.
Me: Well that was...good. Great. Second to last question for today was:
"Before you met everyone what relationships were you in or was it just get some get gone?"
(F takes moment to think)
F: Let's see, what was it that I'd said? Oh yea it was, "Ronnie, deadbeat. Steve, klepto. Kenny, drummer. Eventually, I just had to face up to my destiny as a loser magnet. Now it's strictly get some, get gone. You can't trust guys."
B: I remember you telling me.
F: It was always like that until B. Then it was get some, get more, get all.
B: Then cuddle.
F: Yea.
(Pause)
F: Took me a while to get used to that.
Me: Alright, last question of the evening! It is:
"If you had to have sex with any guy from the group, who would it be?"
B: These people are all sex fiends!
K: Or just trying to mess around with you.
Audience: Probably.
(B pouts)
B: Well I don't appreciate it.
S: Don't let that stop you from answering the question, pet. Us 'guys' are still waiting.
(Mostly S & X look anxious)
F: Uh...well, I already kinda slept with Xander. Sorry man, I don't do seconds with guys and besides, I don't want Anya on my ass.
(X's face falls)
AY: You don't? I hear it's a pleasurable experience.
(Everyone stares)
(X flushes)
F: Don't wanna know. And G-man, you're hot for your age but you got that whole father-figure thing going on, so you know you're out.
G: Thank goodness. I don't think my stomach could've handled anymore shock.
F: So the choice is down to Soulboy and Bleach Boy. It'd be a tougher decision if that whole curse thing wasn't in the way, and I'm not looking forward to you being all blood-happy again, so I guess you're left, Blondie.
(S smirks)
S: I knew it!
(AG looks miffed)
AG: What if my soul were anchored?
(F grins)
F: Then I'd have to ask B to tell me which one of you is better at fucking.
(S whoops and laughs at AG)
S: That still means it'd be me, Angel!
AG: Does not.
S: Does too.
AG: Does not.
S: Does too.
AG & S: Buffy! Tell him I'm better at sex than he is!
B: Oh my God. Faith, why did you have to thrust me into this?
F: Cause I love to thrust you into things. Especially me.
(D in the distance)
D: THERAPEEE!
Me: Thank you for being with us today, please leave your reviews and questions! Until next time folks, thank you again, and goodnight!
(Ending theme song)