Hello mates, I'm back with another chapter. Thanks for all the reviews and questions. Hope you all have some good laughs and whatnot!
Enjoy and review! Remember, no more than 3 questions!
(Opening theme)
Me: Hello one and all to...
Everyone: An Interview With The Vampire Slayers!
Me: A fun and fantastic way to start or brighten up your day! I do hope all of you are having a goo-
D: So Buffy's questions first, right?
Me: Yes, Dawn. Thank you for interrupting me.
D: No problem, now hurry up.
S: What's the bloody rush, Nibblet?
K: Shut up Spike! Come on, Lost! What's the hold up?!
(F whispers to guys)
F: Shoe sale.
All males: Ah.
S: Pfft. Females.
F: Hey man, I'm not flipping about it.
C: Faith! Stop distracting the interviewer and let her get to the damn questions!
(B glares at C)
B: Stop yelling at my girlfriend like she's your girlfriend!
C: I can do what I want.
B: Yea? Well I can kill you a hundred differen-
Me: Alrighty then! Buffy's up and the first comment for Buffy is from xXAngel of fireXx...
(drum roll)
"I'm so sorry I started the whole cave-slayer thing!"
B: That was you?
AG: Don't be sorry, it was amusing while it lasted.
Me: From Hotcutii3...
(drum roll)
"What is the most romantic thing Faith has ever done for you?"
K: Okay I know you guys so went over this already.
W: Yea, I'm pretty sure we did, right? I mean with the anniversary thingy?
Me: From ToryV...
(drum roll)
"Have you read a book since college? Magazines don't count."
W: I don't know if we even had magazines at the house. Did we? Wait a minute. Do we?
F: Yea, just check Cordy's room. All the other little Slayers do.
(C touches up her hair)
C: And they act like they're deprived crack addicts. It's really kind of sad.
Me: And lastly, from kipperdinilati...
(drum roll)
"Do you and Faith plan to have kids anytime soon?"
(B & F look at each other)
F: Not that I know of. I mean...kind of lacking...the right equipment, if you get what I'm saying.
B: Well I have been talking to Willow...
(F's eyebrows shoot up)
F: What?!
Me: Fantastic! Moving on to the answers! First comment for Buffy:
"I'm so sorry I started the whole cave-slayer thing!"
B: Well it did get pretty hectic for a bit, there, but it's totally fine. Things just get out of hand, no thanks to some people who just keep topics going and going and going...
(B gives C a pointed look)
(C purses lips)
C: I know you aren't talking about me.
(B uses mocking voice)
B: Of course not, why ever would you think that?
C: Oh please. That tone of voice just gives you away.
(K nudges AY and whispers)
K: Got the camera ready?
(AY whispers back)
AY: Of course I do.
B: Listen, you stuck-up, girlfriend-eyeing skank! If I told you once to stop trying to snatch my girlfriend from under my nose, just stop!
C: Faith and I are friends, you fake, pitiful excuse for a blonde. And I'm not trying to snatch her-
B: Oh because straddling her and groping her in front of everybody else is completely not snatching.
(C throws hands up)
C: I was drunk!
B: So was everybody else, but you didn't see them fondling my girlfriend's boobs!
(Silence)
(Everybody shuffles)
(D raises hand)
D: Actually, Buffy...
K: We were all...
W: Kinda sorta...
X: Just a little...
S: With slight misunderstanding...
AG: Guilty...
(AY looks unfazed)
AY: Of ogling, touching, groping and fondling Faith's fantastic breasts.
G: Except myself, since I was away on a trip to London at the time.
(B gapes)
(C smirks)
(F shrugs)
(B smacks F)
F: Ow! What?!
B: You let them all touch-
F: Uh no, Buffy. They held me down, remember? You're the one who suggested they use the chains.
(AY pats B)
AY: It was a fabulous idea, Buffy. One of the few you've ever had. I have to admit, I really did enjoy Faith's breasts. She's far more endowed than we are.
(S sniggers)
S: Oh, us too, pet. Don't feel left out.
B: Spike.
S: Yes, love?
B: Shut the hell up.
(S grumbles)
S: Bloody lesbians.
Me: So...next question? Alright, good, Buffy:
"What is the most romantic thing Faith has ever done for you?"
D: So already asked.
F: Yea, not answering that question again.
W: Oh but it's such a cute story, Faith!
F: Sure it is, but hell no, I ain't yapping about that all over again. Next!
B: Aw, story pooper.
(AY jumps in surprise)
AY: What? Faith, you poop stories?!
(Cue crickets)
(F sweatdrops)
F: Ah...
AY: I had no idea that was possible! Though, I suppose in a world like this, anything is possible, as cliche as it may sound. But that's quite fascinating-
(G groans)
G: For goodness' sake, Anya! She does not...er...poop...stories!
(AY blinks)
AY: But Buffy-
G: It's a blasted expression! For crying out loud, Anya, do you honestly believe that Faith's excrement consists of stories?!
(AY scowls)
AY: Well if candy bars can cause adults to revert to their teenager ways and fuck each other's brains out on the hood of police cars, I could certainly believe that Faith can shit stories.
(G flushes, lets out a frustrated yell and storms off)
(F looks after him, impressed)
F: Gotta say, that was well done.
(AY beams)
AY: I live to irritate.
W: I'm surprised you haven't driven Xander off a roof yet.
(AY gives W a strange look)
AY: Now why in the world would I ever-
Everyone: Anya! Expression!
(AY grumbles)
AY: You humans and your myriad of expressions. I can never keep up...
Me: Well then, next question for Buffy:
"Have you read a book since college? Magazines don't count."
(B is indignant)
B: Of course I have!
AG: Really? Like what?
X: Yea, Buffster, like what?
(K smirks)
K: The Idiot's Guide to Slaying, that's what.
B: Hey!
C: I'm sure the last thing Buffy's read are the directions on how to use that Professional Hair Salon in a Bottle crap.
B: I did not!
(C raises an eyebrow)
B: I didn't! Besides...I use Loreal.
C: Oh much better, Buffy.
(B glares)
B: Shut up.
Me: Come on, you two, be nice. We have one more question for Buffy, then we can move right along:
"Do you and Faith plan to have kids anytime soon?"
B: So like I was saying, I was talking to Willow about her research, and-
(F starts waving hands)
F: Whoa whoa whoa. Hold up, B. Research about what? Doing what? I may be stronger than most men, and better at sex, but I'm not all into having a sex change or growing a dick.
X: Ah ha! Then I can threaten to kick you in the balls and you'll know how it feels!
AY: Xander, I highly doubt that you'd be able to even reach her in time; she is much faster than you are.
(X sighs)
X: Do you have to make me feel insignificant and small?
(AY pats X on back)
AY: I'm sorry, I've been doing it for so long to the male gender...
B: No, Faith, you don't...grow a penis, Wills has to take a bit of your essence and a bit of mine, and-
F: Mix it all together and put it in the oven and out comes the baby?
C: Well that would be convenient, wouldn't it?
(G nods knowingly)
G: None of that godawful screaming and cutting of the blood circulation.
(Silence while everyone stares at G)
W: Okay, you'll have to explain how you know about it.
X: Yea! Cause...you're not married...and you don't have kids, that we know of...OH MY GOD, GILES HAS CHILDREN!
K: Sooo explains the father attitude.
F: G-man! You stud muffin, you.
(G rubs temples)
G: For goodness sakes, I don't have children. Is it really hard to believe that I do have female friends who are in need of support when they're birthing a child?
(Silence again)
B: A little.
S: Just a bit.
AG: Slightly.
D: Duh.
(G sighs)
Me: Erm...going on?
B: Oh! Right. So Wills takes your essence or mine and makes it into like...sperm, we artificially inseminate, and poof! A baby!
(F makes a face)
F: You make it sound like it's so easy. Believe me, it ain't easy. I've had a couple friends of my own back in the day with pregnancy issues.
(F shudders)
F: No fun. Foreal.
(S raises a hand)
S: I've eaten a newborn before. Does that count?
(Everyone makes a face)
(W looks green)
(K makes gagging face)
(X makes 'ooh' face)
(G just groans)
D: EWWWW! What the fuck?!
B: Normally, I'd say 'language!', but I completely agree with the sentiment.
C: Ugh. Seriously.
(AG rolls eyes)
AG: He's kidding.
AY: Why would anybody ever joke about that?
(S chuckles)
S: For the fun of it, pet. Your reactions are always the most amusing.
F: You're a sick vamp, Peroxide.
S: So I hear.
Me: Well then, now that we've been sufficiently grossed out, shall we move on?
Everyone: Yes.
Me: Superb. Mr. Giles, if you would please take the spotlight, you are next!
(G adjusts glasses)
G: Smashing.
Me: First question from Jinxgirl...
(drum roll)
"What is the most badass thing you've ever done?"
(F grins and rubs hands together)
F: Sweet. I'm in the mood for a wicked cool story.
Me: And from Narutrix852...
(drum roll)
"Who do you think would be a better slayer Dawn, Anya, or Cordelia?"
(Everyone except D, AY, and C suck in a breath)
(X pats G on back)
X: I sure am glad it's not up to me to answer that!
G: Well thank you for your support, Xander.
X: Anytime.
Me: Alright, Mr. Giles. Do go ahead with the first question:
"What is the most badass thing you've ever done?"
G: I suppose that depends on the definition. Something 'badass' ten years ago could seem utterly old fashioned to this generation-
K: Just give us a good story!
B: Ooh, with shiny weapons!
W: And advanced magics!
X: And hot girls!
(D smacks X)
X: Ow!
D: With some ancient prophesy!
C: And good shoes.
F: Hey! That was my line.
(C scoffs)
C: I certainly didn't mean boots, Faith.
(F grins)
F: Steel-toed combat boots with accessible knives on the go; whoopah!
AY: Is there cash money involved?
(Pause)
(G raises eyebrows)
G: I believe we've lost track of the point.
AG: They want a-
(G shoots AG a look)
G: I know what they want, Angel. It was a sarcastic remark, for heaven's sake, catch up!
(AG grumbles)
AG: Just trying to be helpful, and nobody appreciates the help...
G: In any case, I suppose one of the more, erm, 'badass' things I've done was when I killed my first demon, picked up a few girls, got into a bar fight, hot-wired a car, bought a plane ticket out of London for Austria, tried sleeping on a park bench with two bottles of English whiskey, got arrested then slept in a jail cell in solitary after I broke one of the other guys' nose. All in one night.
K: How old were you?
G: I was 17, I believe.
(F nods, slapping his back fondly)
F: Impressive, G. Sounds kinda familiar except I was 15 and ended up a lot worse than you did, unfortunately.
(AG smirks)
AG: Where would you be without me?
F: Depends. After Sunnydale? Dead or in jail. During Sunnydale? In the cahoots with Buffy.
(AG frowns)
(W scratches chin)
W: Hey, that's right! Buffy was always so obsessed over Angel that she never really caught onto Faith's vibe...
X: Which, in turn, led to crazy Slayer!!
C: Yea. Good job, Buffy.
(B huffs)
B: So this is my fault?
C: Yes. It is.
(B points finger at C)
B: Listen, you-
(Everyone blocks out the quarrel)
(G sighs)
S: You think we should get them a bloody cage, Rupert?
G: Actually, that doesn't sound so bad, Spike.
X: Ooh! I'll provide the benches!
W: I pass out the popcorn and drinks!
D: I guess I'm bookie. Someone's gotta take the bets.
(F winks at D)
F: That's my Squirt.
Me: Buffy! Cordelia! Stop it this instant! Giles, your next question:
"Who do you think would be a better slayer Dawn, Anya, or Cordelia?"
(D jumps up and down)
D: Me! It's me!
C: Uh, hello? Big with the money and the training and the sultry power thing.
AY: Do I get paid?
(G pales)
F: Good luck, Giles.
G: Ah...
D: Yea, but I'm the sister of the Slayer! I totally have advantage-
C: I've been around longer and have fought as many battles as you've only seen-
AY: Because I really don't see the point in saving the world without pension.
G: Er...
D: Well I've been learning a lot of moves and I'm really good-
C: I've been using my moves and I kick ass-
AY: I mean, doing all that work for what; nothing?! Honestly. You must be out of your minds!
G: Um...
D & C: And I'm hot!
AY: So unless I get paid, I refuse to take up that job offer.
(W gives AY a curious look)
W: What are you even talking about?
(AY blinks)
AY: Aren't we talking about money?
Me: Well, Sir Giles? What is your answer?
G: I believe Dawn, Cordelia, and Anya would all make equal Slayers in their own rights, with their own advantages and disadvantages. And that-
(G glares at D & C before they can protest)
G: -is my final answer.
F: Well done, G.
S: Well said, more like.
K: Nobody asked you.
S: Piss off.
Me: Fabulous. Next up, we have Anya!
(AY looks pleased)
AY: Already? I feel special!
(D claps slowly)
D: Oh yea. Real special.
Me: Alright, your question is from xXAngel of fireXx...
(drum roll)
"How do you feel about snakes? I hear that they are the natural predator for bunnies."
(Everyone except K & S make a face)
B: Ick. I think I've had enough snake to last me a lifetime.
F: Kinda glad I wasn't there.
K: Were you there for that?
S: Nope. Was a tad bit busy at the time, love.
(AY looks annoyed and crosses arms)
AY: Uh hello? My question to answer, so please, shut up.
(B rolls eyes)
(X fakes bow)
X: As you wish.
AY: Thank you. My answer, of course, is that although I appreciate their natural instinct to destroy all the evil bunnies in the world, they're still frightening. Not to mention that whole Ascension business. I ran off so fast I didn't have time to count my money every five minutes!
(G mocks)
G: And that is quite the travesty, isn't it?
W: Absolutely dreadful, indeed!
AY: Exactly.
B: It's like that whole, 'I'm-glad-spiders-kill-mosquitos-but-they-still-creep-me-out' thing!
K: Yea yea, we got it.
(B huffs)
B: You really shouldn't be so mean.
K: Why, are you going to cry?
B: Pah! I'd like to see you try. We'll see who ends up in tears then.
K: Bring it, you stuck-up bitch.
(C quirks an eyebrow at AG)
C: I kinda like this girl.
AG: You would. It's always the brunettes that fight with Buffy.
C: You know what they say.
S: No, what do they say, pet?
C: I have no clue, but I'm sure it has to do with the fact that brunettes are smarter, sexier, and just generally better than blondes.
AG: I'll drink to that.
AY: Please don't. God knows you'll suck out the blood of some poor soul.
(AG sighs)
AG: Have you decided on the muzzle yet, Xander? We could always pick it out in her favorite color.
X: Look it up online and send me the link, then.
AG: I'll have my secretary on it later.
C: Pfft. It better not be soon-later. That shoe sale lasts all weekend.
(AG sighs again)
Me: So, once again avoiding a fight, let's move on. Spike, our resident blonde-headed vampire, you're the lucky questionee!
(S clicks teeth)
S: Yippee. I just can't bloody wait.
AG: Brighten up.
S: Oy, look who's talking.
(AG frowns)
Me: This question is from ToryV...
(drum roll)
"While you were wrapped around B's pinky finger did you write any of your poetry for her? Admit it, you totally did."
(Everyone laughs)
(S groans)
S: Why the hell do you miserable chits 'ave to ask me questions about stupid crap? It's not like I want to remember this sodding bullshit!
F: Quit whining and answer the question.
S: Screw you, Slayer.
B: Sorry, that's my job!
S: Anyways, for the record, I wasn't wrapped around anybody's pink-
(S stops because everyone stares)
(Cue crickets)
(Cue laughter)
Everyone: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
K: Oh my God, I can't...breathe...haha!
D: Aha...he wasn't...haha...God!
(S scowls)
S: Fucking 'ell.
(AY looks annoyed)
AY: I don't see what's funny. I always found the whole mess to be extremely distracting and bothersome. And annoying.
F: I hear ya, An.
AY: Honestly, who enjoys watching a fully "matured" vampire whinging around following a Slayer like some lovesick puppy? It's ridiculous, I tell you.
(S groans)
S: God help me.
C: It's a little too late for that.
Me: Spike...the answer?
(S roars)
S: NO! The bloody fucking answer is NO, I did not write any sodding love poems for the fucking Slayer. I was a bit busy trying to kill or save people! Goddamnit!
(I look miffed)
Me: Well sheesh. There really was no need to yell. I'm only doing my job and pleasing the audience.
AG: Ignore him. He's touchy.
(K sniggers)
K: You'd know, of course.
(AG bares fangs at K)
(K just grins back)
Me: I believe Willow is up next. Shall we start Willow?
W: I'm ready.
Me: Wonderful. Your question is from spashley20...
(drum roll)
"You seemed to get overly jealous whenever Buffy would get a new boyfriend (or spent time with Faith). Some say it was because you were her best friend but I think it was because you liked her. So, which one was it?"
(W turns red)
W: Ah...well, I...we're just...I mean it was...back then I...then again, it...I don't...this is...eeep!
(W squeaks)
(Everyone stares)
F: I think all that meant Red had the hots for B in her own little way until Tara and now Ken. But like a lot of other people, I'm guessing she still thinks Buffy's a cutie-pants.
(W lets out deep breath)
W: Whew! Thanks Faith, for clearing that up!
F: No problemo, Red. I mean, it was pretty obvious to me, even back in the day. You would shoot me the evil eye whenever I spent too much time with B, even as friends.
W: Heh. Yea...have I mentioned that I was-
F: Sorry? Lots of times, with lots of babbling.
(W blushes)
W: I tend to do that alot, especially when I'm nervous, since it's like - hey! - completely what I do. It's like a really really really bad habit thingermabob that happens to me and Buffy and Xander, too, sometimes! But not Giles, but that's not the point. The point is that-
Everyone: Willow!
(W flushes and squeaks)
W: Sorry!
(K pinches W's cheeks)
K: You are too cute.
W: Aw, thanks! So are you!
(S snorts)
S: That brat? Cute? I don't think so.
B: Don't I know it.
(K sticks tongue out)
(B rolls eyes)
B: Lucky you, Wills. She's immature, too.
AY: Are we suddenly moving on from Buffy and Cordelia fights to Buffy and Kennedy fights? If so, I'm going to need a new label for this tape.
Me: Alrighty, there are some new questions and comments that have just come in, and the next one up is Dawn! From FallenSoldier15...
(drum roll)
"Ok since I know you like girls now I'm 5'6", dark green eyes, dimples, athletic figure and an athlete, also I'm an attorney. Would you date me based on looks so far? For at least one date just to talk."
(F whistles)
F: Sounds pretty cute.
W: Ooh. What a catch, Dawnie!
(B purses lips)
B: Hmm. She sounds too good to be true. Are you sure she's not making this up?
(C quirks an eyebrow)
C: Hope those are cute dimples.
AG: An attorney? We could use another attorney...
K: How old is this chick?
S: Let's hope not as old as me, love.
X: Well if I wasn't married or a male, I'd take that date!
AY: They always go for the young ones, don't they?
F: Hey, I'm still young!
B: We all are.
(D's still visualizing)
D: I totally would! Date you based on looks, that is...
(G sighs)
G: What is this world coming to?
Me: Don't fret, Giles. You're not the only single one here. There's still Cordelia.
S: Oy! I'm still single.
AG: Yea, so am I.
Me: Oh yes, do forgive me. The whole gay thing is so consistent I sometimes forget you're..."straight".
S: Yea yea, you're just bitter because you're single, too.
Me: There's nothing wrong with being single. I enjoy just hanging out. Boyfriends and girlfriends get a bit in the way sometimes.
AG: No kidding.
Me: Going on...Cordelia! You're next! A comment from FallenSoldier15...
(drum roll)
"You're such a hot fox. I bet if you and Faith were to get together (hypothetically, Buffy) you'd have the most good looking kids ever."
(B scowls)
B: I object!
C: We aren't in court, Buffy. Get it right. Besides, the girl is right. We most certainly would have beautiful babies.
F: True that.
(B glares at F)
F: But of course, we'd have even more gorgeous children, B. Isn't that right, Lost?
Me: Whoa, now. Don't bring me into this. I'm just an innocent bystander.
(B scowls and points)
B: But you started this show! And this idea! And now there are all these questions and comments...how come you don't have to answer any questions?! And you don't get any comments!
(I hold up hands)
Me: Back up, Buffy. I get reviews, which are all very nice and wonderful. And I don't have to answer questions because I don't get any.
(B crosses arms)
B: Well that's not fair. I'm going to ask you some questions myself, then.
(F smirks)
(B gives F evil eye)
B: And you have to ask some too!
F: I was planning on it, babe.
Me: Oh dear.
G: I apologize for my Slayer's temperament, Lost.
X: Yea...it can get pretty wild and crazy sometimes!
W: Goddess, can't it? I mean, I'm dating one and it can get pretty up and down...I can hardly imagine what it'd be like to have two in the same room together!
AY: Really? I can. And it involves fantastic and neverending orgasms. It's really quite enjoyable to fantasize about. You should try it.
(Silence)
D: Like I said, Xander, you're paying half the therapy bill.
X: What?!
D: Your mental demon wife says enough to cause brain damage in less than a minute. I require money from you.
AY: Certainly not from me.
D: Which is why I'm getting it from Xander.
(AY protests)
AY: But Xander's money is mine!
C: Actually, in California state law; only half of it belongs to you.
(AY nudges X)
AY: Let's move to a place where all of it belongs to me, too.
Me: Moving along, then. Hmm...okay, it seems that Kennedy's our next interviewee. Again from FallenSoldier15...
(drum roll)
"What is the most erotic fantasy you and Willow have played out? You must answer and yes Giles & The Twinkle Fangs may cover their ears. Xander can be tied up wth duct tape over his mouth and ears."
X: Are you kidding? I want to hear about girly-loving!
S: Yea, why are you trying to leave us poor asses out of it?
AG: I have no need to cover my ears.
G: Well I do.
(G plugs ears with earplugs)
Me: Good thinking, Mr. Giles!
(D grumbles)
D: I wish I brought some.
(K rubs chin)
K: I have to be completely honest, my fantasies are pretty simple.
F: Something we have in common, Ken. Sex is sex.
K: My personal favorite, though, would have to be whenever I get Willow to dress up in dominatrix. Like the vampire version of her. So hot!
B: Ooh yea! That was like...majorly leathered-up Wills! Very sexy.
K: And then there's the bondage and the leather crop. If we're feeling super kinky, there's a blindfold involved.
Audience: Woo woo!
(W flushes)
F: Way to go, Red!
W: T-thanks, Faith.
(B pats W)
B: It's the tough ones that like being dominated; have you noticed that?
W: Yea, it's really weird! But Goddess, they're really good at dominating, though, aren't they?
B: Mmm. Yes, they are.
(C smirks)
C: I bet I could do a good job at dominating Faith.
F: Shit, I bet you could, too, Queen C.
(B smacks F)
B: Faith! Stop fraternizing with the enemy!
F: Oh come on, B. Cor's not an enemy. And I'm not fraternizing. We're just play bantering.
B: Same thing.
C: Not really.
(AY taps G)
AY: You can take those plugs out now.
(G pulls out earplugs)
G: Thank you, Anya.
AY: You are very welcome.
Me: Now we have our final single questionee, and that of course, is...
Everyone: Faith!
Me: Indeed it is! Alright, Faith. First question from xXAngel of fireXx...
(drum roll)
"Did you ever make any friends while you were in prison?"
W: Ooh. Good question.
Me: From Hotcutii3...
"Have u ever had any wicked hot fantasies bout someone in the group?"
(AG scoffs)
AG: Probably every single damn person here.
(F winks)
F: You know it.
Me: From Jinxgirl...
(drum roll)
"How old were you the first time you had sex? (I have a feeling this answer may disturb me)"
(F frowns)
F: I have a feeling it may, too.
Me: From ToryV...
(drum roll)
"If B gave you her infamous pout and asked you to stop flirting with Cordelia would you?"
(B brightens up)
B: Hey, yea!
(C rolls eyes)
(S shakes head)
S: You always get the most questions.
F: It's cause I'm so hot.
(Everyone scoffs and snorts)
Me: Don't worry Faith, they're only doing that because they know it's true.
F: I like ya, Lost. If I wasn't dating B and if it wasn't probably illegal, I'd take ya for a spin.
Me: Go for it, I'm not complaining.
B: No way!
Me: Haha, alright, Buffy. I was only sort of kidding. Anyways, first question, Faith:
"Did you ever make any friends while you were in prison?"
F: I guess you could say that. Not really friends, more like...acquaintances.
AY: Were you anybody's bitch?
(F looks offended)
F: Me?! Someone's prison bitch? I don't fucking think so. Nobody messes with me; that's for fucking sure!
D: So...no friends?
F: Eh, none that I really care to remember. I kept to myself the whole time, just thinking.
K: Yea, unless one of the big dogs tried to hassle her.
F: Then I'd shove a dumbbell up their fucking asses. Hated those bitches. Coming around acting like they're tough shit and trying to pull off that whole 'big cat, new fish' thing.
K: Pah! New fish! Haha!
F: Oh bite me, Ken.
K: You wish.
F: Anyways, there ain't no letter exchanging going around, so clearly, no. No jail friends. Maybe some contacts, but that's mostly for picking up drugs, and I'm not into that league.
B: Thank God. What would I do with a drug-addicted Slayer?
AY: Everything you would with a regular Slayer, except things would be more sloppily - but happily - done.
X: Thanks, An.
AY: No problem. I am here to assist.
Me: Very well. Next question:
"Have u ever had any wicked hot fantasies bout someone in the group?"
(F smirks)
F: Well duh. What, you think I have no eyes?
AG: Let me guess, you had one about everybody here.
F: Except Giles. No offense, G, but you're like...a dad to everybody, so...
G: Oh don't apologize for excluding me from your sexual fantasies. I'm rather much relieved.
(AY gasps)
AY: Liar!
Me: Moving along, moving along...next question up:
"How old were you the first time you had sex? (I have a feeling this answer may disturb me)"
(Silence)
(F licks lips nervously)
F: Um...sex is relative, right? Like...one person's version of sex is completely different from another person's definition of sex.
(Pause)
X: I don't get it.
W: Oh good, I'm not the only one! I mean, isn't sex just what it is? Sex?
(F groans)
F: Alright if you want to get literal about it; as in hole-in-one, I was 9. If we're talking consensual, 12.
(Silence)
(X whispers)
X: Holy cow...I think I get why you like being on top now.
F: Eh. It's old news. It sucks, but you get over it.
AY: If he, she, or they are still alive, I can ask D'Hoffryn to work out a few vengeance wishes.
W: I can offer magical assistance for that!
D: I'm totally donating the Dawn Therapy Fund to the Faith Therapy Fund.
B: I like that idea. I've been trying to get her to see a therapist for a while now.
G: Due to my suggestion, if I recall correctly.
AG: I'd like to point out that I believed in her the first.
K: I never judged.
S: Neither did I; we're on similar planes, we are.
F: Okay...this is getting a little uncomfortable, so next question, please?
Me: As you wish. Next and final question for Faith:
"If B gave you her infamous pout and asked you to stop flirting with Cordelia would you?"
(F snorts)
F: Pfft. No.
B: What?!
F: Oh come on, B. Even if your pout makes me all wiggly inside, flirting is what I do best! It's like...a part of my character.
C: A fantastic side of her character, might I add.
(B scowls at C)
B: You butt out of this!
C: This question's about me, too, Buffy.
S: It's a bloody love triangle.
K: Yea. Literally.
AY: Should I bring out the video camera now?
W: You might as well.
B: Well this wouldn't be an issue if you weren't such a slut!
(Audience gasp)
C: And there wouldn't be a need for a "slut" if you weren't such a stuck-up, wannabe innocent schoolgirl!
Audience: Oooh!
(X nudges G)
X: This is getting good!
G: Oh dear heavens.
B: Stuck-up?! Look who's talking, Daddy's Little Girl! You were the most spoiled student at Sunnydale High!
Audience: Ouch!
C: Oh so you're bringing fathers into this? At least mine wasn't a deadbeat loser!
(Audience gasp)
B: How dare you?!
C: How dare I? How dare you?!
(B & C lunge)
(AY keeps filming)
AY: Faith, we should call America's Funniest Home Videos sometime; this video is gold in digital technology form.
F: Definitely, An.
Me: While that goes on, I believe we'll move on to the more-than-ones, shall we? We'll start with the one question for Cordelia, Anya, and Willow from Narutrix852...
(drum roll)
"How would you rate Xander's kissing skills from 1-10?"
(W blushes)
W: Um...a 7?
F: Oh you're being nice.
X: Hey!
F: What? I kissed you too, remember?
X: Oh...right. But still!
F: Come on, Xan. Red's totally into the ladies, so she knows who she's digging. And it sure as hell ain't you.
X: I was her childhood crush!
K: Yea yea, doesn't matter. She still likes girls.
Me: You both have a point, but I believe it's Willow's question to answer, and she has answered it with a 7.
W: Oh fine, it's a 6.5, but that's still good! Really! Xander was really cute and good and sweet!
AY: You're clearly out of your mind, Willow. Xander is a 9.5 out of a 10.
(S smirks)
S: You're comparing him to what, an ogre and a couple more of your demon mates?
(AY ignores S)
AY: Even so, he's very wonderful at the interlocking of lips.
Me: Who's a ten?
AY: I'm not sure yet. I'm waiting for the chance to kiss Faith before I decide.
(B & C return with cuts and bruises)
B: I don't think so!
C: Until Buffy's drunk, that is.
Me: Your turn, Cordelia.
C: I don't really remember, so I'll give the loser a 5.
(X grins goofily)
X: I guess that's all I can ask!
D: Weirdo.
Me: Next is Spike and Angel, of course!
(Everyone laughs)
S: Sodding idiots.
AG: Damnit.
Me: From AnonSlayer...
(drum roll)
"You are such closet cases, you both act like little kids in a playground with the name calling each other to show you like them, so why can't you just ADMIT IT?!"
(S vamps out)
S: Because we're not bloody fags, that's why, you miserable nit! ARGH!
Me: Whoa there, Spike. Calm down. From Jinxgirl...
(drum roll)
"Can you admit to loving each other right now? (Even in a brotherly way. Although we all know there's more to it than that... :))"
(AG sighs and shakes head)
(All girls giggle)
Me: Well, go ahead and answer the first question.
S: Fuck no. I've answered it enough. We're not gay or closet cases, and therefore we can't admit it!
AG: Exactly. And I resent being called a little kid. I'm centuries older than you, dimwit.
(K shakes head)
K: Such babies.
B: Little gay boys, more like.
(W makes cutesy face)
W: Goo goo ga ga!
D: Aw, aren't they so cute?
F: I don't care how cute they are, I'm not changing any diapers.
AY: Why are we staring at Spike and Angel like they're edible human toddlers?
(Everyone stares at AY)
AY: Now why are you staring at me like I said something wrong?
Me: Erm...anywho, Spike and Angel, you may answer the second question.
AG: Are you kidding? Spike is an arrogant, reckless jackass-
S: Peaches is a sodding broody, whiny prick-
AG: -who happens to be completely incompetent and irresponsible for his actions-
S: -with no sense of bloody humor and can't take that stick out of his arse long enough for-
F: You to stick your dick in it?
Audience: Ohhh!
K: Damn that was a good one!
(K high fives F)
(S scowls at F)
S: I hate you.
F: Love ya too, Bleachboy.
S: Why must you all torment me so?
AG: Hey, I'm being tortured, too!
X: Whine, whine, whine. Seriously, Buff. I don't get it. Both of them?
(B shrugs)
B: They were cool at the time, okay?
D: And she was young and stupid.
C: Now she's just old and stupid.
(B glares at C)
B: Don't push it.
(C smirks)
C: Too late.
Me: Hold off, ladies, because Buffy needs to answer these last few questions. These are for Buffy and Faith, of course, and from AnonSlayer...
(drum roll)
"If one of you had to become a guy for a day, who would you rather it be; yourself or your beautiful girl?"
"What is your ultimate fantasy you have about each other?"
B: Would we be attractive guys?
F: What kind of question is that? Of course we'd be attractive guys! We'd be super-fine, super-sexy, hot-shot guys!
B: Well then I'd rather be the guy.
F: Same. I'd rather be the guy so I can show off my beautiful girl to the world and all the guys would be extra EXTRA jealous of me.
B: Yea, have you noticed that it's like...an ego-saver if you're a lesbian? Cause then they're all "well we couldn't have gotten that chick anyway, cause she's a lesbo".
W: Goddess, yes, I've noticed that a lot! They all think they're such hotties!
K: When they're notties.
F: That's why you have to shoot their egos down while you're at it. Otherwise they keep thinking they're hot shit.
AG: I guess this explains why we're single. They're all lesbians.
S: Don't joke about it, mate. It's bloody unfair.
X: Hey well, if worst comes to worst, you could always blame them for turning you gay!
(S & AG run after X)
(X screams)
X: HELP!
C: As if. I have Jimmy Choo heels on. And I could have another pair for half off, so hurry up.
F: Alright, alright. Hold onto your panties, C.
B: Ultimate fantasy? I feel like we've already been over this.
D: You probably have.
AY: You humans...so invasive of privacy.
(Cue crickets)
F: An...you're the one who likes to inform us of your private sex life.
AY: Yes, well, some of us don't care so much, but others do. Besides, I don't tell you the important things.
W: What do you mean?
AY: Well I could tell you that I had a certain number of orgasms last night, but I certainly wouldn't tell you how much money I have in my wallet!
X: That's me. Second bean to money.
AY: Xander don't be silly. You're not a bean.
S: So no refreshing of memory as to what your sexual fantasies are?
B & F: No.
S: Pity.
AG: Really, too bad.
K: Shut up, Twink Twins. Nobody wants to hear you trying to be straight.
(S bares fangs)
S: Can I eat her?
AG: I'm not stopping you.
W: Hey hey! No drinking of my girlfriend's blood!
Me: Well I suppose that's that for today!
(W & D & K & C & B squeal and jump)
W & D & K & C & B: YAYYYY SHOE SHOPPING TIME!
(AY & F exchange glances)
AY: Faith, would you like to accompany me in counting money while they're gone?
F: Sure, An, I'd lov-
(B drags F out)
B: Nope! Faith is the official bag carrier!
F: What?!
W: Come on, Faith, it'll be fun!
K: Yea, Faithy Waithy!
(F flails)
F: Augh! What the fuck?! Help!
(X laughs)
(AY drags X out)
AY: I guess you'll have to help me count money then, Xander.
X: Nooo!
(S & AG snigger)
(G frowns)
G: What are you two chuckling about? Since they're all out, you two are in charge of babysitting the Slayers in Training.
(S & AG groan)
S: Bloody hell. Not again!
AG: They squeal! And punch!
Me: Man up, chaps. Anywho, that's all for today, please leave your reviews and questions at the bottom! Thank you, and have a great day!
(Ending theme)