Yes, I realize it's been a longass time, but here I am again, returning to you with the 10th episode of An Interview With The Vampire Slayers!
I do hope you enjoy it, and please review and leave questions at the end!
(Opening theme)
Me: Welcome everybody out there, how wonderful it is to see you all again in this fabulous new year of 2009, here at-
Everyone: An Interview with the Vampire Slayers!
K: For Christ's sake, that's getting really old.
W: Well, we haven't done it in a while, so not too old. It's been a long time since we've had a show.
(K shrugs)
K: I guess.
Me: Indeed, it has been a long time, but what better way to start the new year with a brand new episode?
F: Dude, it's like...the middle of February.
X: Yea, you're a little late.
C: Says the premature ejaculator.
(W's eyes widen)
(F chokes)
(AG coughs)
(B covers mouth with hand)
(G sighs)
(D slaps forehead)
(K raises eyebrows)
(S smirks)
(X turns bright red)
(AY places hand on hips)
AY: Excuse me, but I don't think anybody asked you for your unwanted opinion. Xander may have cheated on you, but that is no reason to blurt out things you have no idea about. He is extremely well-versed in the bedroom activities-
(AY continues while others speak over)
B: Like sleeping.
W: Watching TV.
F: Jacking off.
(B smacks F on arm)
AY: -and, well, yes, that is included, too, Faith, thank you for reminding me. Anyways, you really should me more considerate of other people's feelings-
(AG snorts)
AG: Cordelia? Considerate of feelings?
(X pats AY, laughing nervously)
X: Heh, yea An. Cordy's kinda incapable of that.
(AY crosses arms)
AY: What are you, a demoness?
S: Obviously. The girl's got it in her blood, somewhere.
(C flips hair)
C: At least I have sense enough to follow the fashion sense over the years, Billy Idol.
(S scowls)
B: She has a point.
C: Thank you, Buffy.
B: You're very welcome.
(Everyone gapes)
(F turns to W)
F: Did they just have a civil interchange of dialogue?
(Everyone gapes again)
(W looks at F curiously)
W: Did you just use words that have more than two syllables?
(F scowls)
F: Well it's not like I'm retarded or anything. Sheesh.
Me: Anyways, I believe we should go ahead and get started with these questions, since that's what these people are here for.
G: Please do.
Me: Buffy, you first, per usual.
(B gives dazzling smile)
B: Yay!
Me: From Jinxgirl...
(drum roll)
"Has Faith ever sang to you? If not, use one of your techniques (pouting, crying, pleading eyes, glares) to get her to do it right now. In fact, even if she has, use one of those techniques to get her to do it now."
F: Oh, you wish.
D: You're pretty good, though.
(F turns slightly pink)
F: Whatever.
Me: From spashley20...
(drum roll)
"Will anyone be good enough in your eyes to date Dawn? You found Faith, shouldn't you give her the opportunity to do the same?"
(D rolls eyes)
D: Uh, yea, she should, but she won't, because she's just fucking nuts.
(C blows on nails)
C: Just figured that out, did you?
(B glares)
K: That was a short-lived honeymoon.
Me: From Lupo...
(drum roll)
"Aren't you afraid if you change Faith too much (domesticate) you will no longer want her? Aside from her being smokin hot that is..."
(F turns to B)
F: That ever happens, I will kick your ass all over the country.
(B pecks F)
B: Won't happen.
Audience: Aww.
Me: And lastly, from FaithsGirl...
(drum roll)
"You said you like Spice Girls, and Backstreet Boys. But what do you think of S Club 7?"
B: First of all, you are so not Faith's girl!
W: Now now, Buffy, you have to be nice to the people who ask questions.
B: Do not.
X: Err...hate to break it to ya, Buff, but it's true.
(B sighs)
B: Whatever.
Me: In any case, Buffy, you may go ahead and answer the first question:
"Has Faith ever sang to you? If not, use one of your techniques (pouting, crying, pleading eyes, glares) to get her to do it right now. In fact, even if she has, use one of those techniques to get her to do it now."
B: She has, most of the time drunkenly, but even then she has a beautiful voice.
Me: Well I'm sure the audience would love to hear it. Faith?
(F purses lips)
F: No.
(Audience pleads)
Audience: Awwww...
(F scowls)
F: I said no.
(X nudges F)
X: Come on, Faith, it'll be like that one time in karaoke!
(K sniggers)
K: Yea, except sober.
(S is totally confused)
S: What the bloody hell are you talking about? This is literature! These bints read this crap, how in the world are they going to be able to hear the Slayer sing anyway?
(AY shrugs)
AY: We're magical.
(S gives AY blank stare)
(W nods knowingly)
W: Pretty much.
S: But...that doesn't even...it's not...
Me: Get with the picture, Spike. The world moves on without you otherwise.
(S sulks and mutters)
S: Bloody crazy wankers.
Me: Well Faith, I don't suppose you'd sing us a song, now, would you? It was my birthday not too long ago.
(F looks nervous)
F: Uh...I don't think so.
W: Come on, Faith!
X: Yea, you can actually sing, too!
C: Better than Angel, at the very least.
(AG scowls at C, but rolls eyes)
AG: Can't argue with that point.
(K sniggers)
K: Barry Manilow.
(Everyone else sniggers)
(AG groans)
AG: Come on! I was trying to do some good!
B: Mhm. Sure.
AG: What?! Buffy, you've had to do some pretty crazy things to save people.
B: Yea, like...oh, I don't know...die.
AG: Well I can't really do that, considering I'm already dead!
G: I hardly think it's a matter of competition, Angel.
D: Yea, Angel, I thought you were bigger than that.
(AG sputters)
AG: Are you fucking serious?
X: What, we don't look serious enough to you?
(Everyone looks dead serious)
(AG scowls and puts chin in hands)
Me: Then I suppose we should ah, move on, shall we? Buffy, the next question was:
"Will anyone be good enough in your eyes to date Dawn? You found Faith, shouldn't you give her the opportunity to do the same?"
B: So far she's been having trouble finding good ones, so until she does, I won't approve. Doesn't mean I'm stopping her from dating.
D: Well good. Cause you can't.
B: But if you turn into a giant again, we're not changing you back.
(D mutters)
D: Some sister.
X: Glad I don't have one.
(S nods towards AY)
S: No, but you have that crazy bint to keep you on your toes.
(AY glares)
AY: I resent that.
S: Good, that was the point.
Me: Well, going on. Next question, Buffy:
"Aren't you afraid if you change Faith too much (domesticate) you will no longer want her? Aside from her being smokin hot that is..."
B: I would never not want Faith!
S: That's really too bad, love.
(B glares)
B: You stay away.
(C stares seductively at F)
C: If it ever does happen, you know where to find me.
(F winks)
(B smacks F)
F: Ow! B!
B: Why did you wink? There should not have been winkage!
(F rubs arm)
F: Chicks can't ever take a fucking joke nowadays...
D: Neither can the guys.
X: That's not true! We manly men can take jokes anyday!
(F snorts)
F: You and what set of balls?
AY & X: Hey!
F: See? Killed both arguments with one stone.
Me: Last question, Buffy:
"You said you like Spice Girls, and Backstreet Boys. But what do you think of S Club 7?"
G: Who?
D: Oh they're old.
W: What? They are not old, they were all the rage when we were kids.
B: I thought they were pretty cute.
F: Especially that brunette chick.
K: Yea, she was spicy.
B: Hey!
W: Yea, hey!
(F & K exchange grins)
F & K : Heeeey.
B: Don't "heeeey" us, we were "hey!"-ing you!
W: Yea!
F: What about, babe?
K: I don't see any problems, do you, Faith?
F: None over here.
K: Yea, me neither.
B: You so aren't allowed to think other girls are cute.
(F rolls eyes)
F: And I thought I was the jealous one.
B: I'm not jealous!
(Pause)
D: Are you kidding? You're one of the most jealous people I know!
G: I must say, Buffy, you are rather...aggressive on that point.
AG: Rather aggressive?
S: How 'bout crazy aggressive?
C: Or how about just crazy?
X: Gotta agree. Your eyes are full of the green, Buff.
AY: Well of course it is, Xander, she can't help that she was born with that. It's genetic.
F: Wait, what are we talking about again?
B: We-
C: Buffy's prone-ness to jealousy, psychoticism, and green eyes.
F: Ohh, okay. Gotcha.
Me: Oh indeed. I suppose now we should continue on to the next interviewee, shall we? And I believe that is...Anya.
AY: Okay, but before we start, I was just wondering how much do we profit from this?
(Cue crickets)
Me: Er, I'm afraid you don't really get any profit from thi-
AY: What? Then why are we wasting our time doing these interviews?
G: I believe it's for the sake of our ah, "fans", Anya.
AY: It's the middle of winter, what in the world do I need fans for?
G: I...they...fans are...oh bollocks, never mind.
AY: I mean, this just doesn't make sens-
Me: So Anya, here are your questions! From spashley20...
(drum roll)
"Does it bother you that everyone thinks you're weird? (I'm glad you're weird, it's very entertaining.)"
AY: What? Who thinks I'm weird?
(G & AG cough)
(K & S snigger)
(W & B roll eyes)
(C & D smirk)
(F whistles)
(X bites lip)
(AY puts hands on hips)
AY: Well? I don't think I'm weird. Am I, Xander?
(X pales and squeaks)
X: NO! Of course not, An, not weird at all!
AY: See?
(G mutters)
G: Oh yes, because we can certainly trust Xander's judgement.
(AY smacks G)
G: For God's sake, Anya! What in the world was that for?
AY: For one, you insulted Xander. Two, well, it was rather fun.
(G grumbles)
Me: Well moving on! Anya, your next question is from FaithsGirl...
(drum roll)
"So far, how much money have you gotten for the video's of the catfight's between Buffy and Cordy?"
(AY whips out index cards)
AY: Actually, FaithsGirl-
(B scowls)
B: NOT Faith's girl.
(F grins)
F: Chill out, B. Let the girl dream.
(B pouts)
AY: So before I was rudely interrupted, I was going to say that those videos have been wildly popular amongst heterosexual males for pleasure. Just as popular amongst homosexual males for the sake of gossiping about the drama and making bets whether or not Buffy or Cordelia will win the next fight, and mostly distributed amongst all females for the sake of learning how to...
(AY looks down at card)
AY: "Break that skank ho's face in for trying to steal my baby's heart from me, yo!"
(Silence)
K: ...so how much did you get?
(AY puts cards back in pocket)
AY: About $25 per video.
Me: So you are making a profit.
AY: I guess so.
Me: Next up is Xander! From xXAngel of fireXx...
(drum roll)
"Do you ever wear the eye patch just for fun? Oh and by the way the question to Angel last time was a relation to the Dark Knight. I thought it would be funny to ask."
X: Ha! I knew it!
(D pats X)
D: Gee, way to go, Xander.
X: Hey, it was a good movie.
K: We know.
Me: Er...the question, Xander?
X: Oh yea.
(X reads question again)
X: Patchy? Mr. Patchy? Of course I wear it for fun! The ladies dig a man with a scar, you know.
(AY glares)
AY: And why would any other lady matter if you already have a wife?
(X cringes)
X: Not at all, honey! It was just...ah...an expression as to...how cool wearing an eyepatch is!
AY: Well I think it's just silly. You have your eyes back, there's no reason for you to wear it around.
X: Yes, dear.
(F coughs into hand)
F: Pussywhipped!
(X scowls at F)
W: I don't see what you're talking about, Faith, considering you're pretty pussywhipped yourself.
(K smirks)
K: Yea, Rogue Slayer.
F: Fuck off, no I'm not.
B: Yes you are, Faith.
F: But-
B: Not another word.
(F pouts)
F: Fine.
(K coughs into hand)
K: Pussywhipped.
(F flicks K off)
Me: Alright, alright. Next up for the singles is Willow! Ready, darling?
W: Whenever you are!
Me: Wonderful. From Lupo...
(drum roll)
"Kennedy and Tara are like complete polar opposites. Any idea why the abrupt change in your tastes? I mean, Kennedy is actually more of a mini-Faith...Oh!"
(K scowls)
K: Don't even.
F: Ha. Everybody just wants a little piece of Faith.
B: Which they won't get, considering you're all mine.
S: Don't get grabby, now, Slayer. There's enough to share.
(B glares)
B: I could kill you, Spike
AG: So who's stopping you?
(Cue crickets)
(S rolls eyes)
S: Bloody sods.
W: Well, if you're saying I'm dating Kennedy because I - in some subconscious, Freudian way - want Faith, you're wrong.
F: Lies. You want me.
W: Do not.
F: Don't try to deny it, Red. Everyone wants me...in their pants.
G: Certainly not mine; goodness knows what you'd end up doing to them.
(D rolls eyes)
D: It's an expression, Giles. Sheesh.
G: I realize, this, Dawn. I was merely attempting at a counter-argumentative joke that seemingly didn't work out the way I planned.
(X pats G on back)
X: S'okay, old man, I got you.
(G sighs)
G: Oh yes, Xander. That relieves me all the more.
(X shrugs)
X: I tried.
(W clears throat)
W: Anyways, yes, they're different, but I like to think I'm not subjected to one type of person when I date them.
K: Yea, we're kinda far past dating.
S: Brag about it, why don't you?
(K smirks)
K: I will, since it makes you feel bad.
(S snarls)
(K grins)
Me: Well then, now it's time for the next to last single, which is for Giles!
G: Goody me.
AY: No need to sound so sarcastic. That's my job.
G: Indeed it is. Carry on.
Me: I shall. From Jinxgirl...
(drum roll)
"Out of all people present, who gets on your last nerve the quickest?"
(G looks around)
G: Oh my, where's Andrew?
(F sniggers)
(D giggles)
(W smiles)
(K scoffs)
(S snorts)
(AG sighs)
(AY counts money, uninterested)
(C checks nails)
(B shakes head)
(X grins)
X: Probably playing some nerdy game online.
W: Oh, like you wouldn't.
(X straightens up indignantly)
X: I'm a master on my Xbox, thank you very much.
AY: As you should be; there was a lot of money that went into that console.
F: S'all about the Wii, man.
B: Wii sports!
K: Typical.
B: What's that supposed to mean?
K: Nothing.
B: No really, I don't get it.
(K rolls eyes)
K: You wouldn't.
(B sniffs)
B: No, I didn't. Hmmph.
Me: Well, the question was, "out of all present".
G: Very well then.
(G calmly looks over group)
G: Spike.
X: Ooh, big surprise.
G: And then Xander.
X: Hey!
(AY looks up)
AY: What?
X: Nothing, keep counting your money.
(AY grumbles)
AY: Well I can't now; you made me lose track.
W: Of your money? That's a first.
AY: Shut it, Willow. I don't need any of your passive aggressive wit.
Audience: Ohhh.
(W turns to X)
W: Why, Xander? Why?
(X shrugs and smiles weakly)
Me: Time for Faith's questions!
F: Whoot.
Me: From Jinxgirl...
(drum roll)
"Does Buffy have any special words or moves that make you drop the badass front in a hurry? (if so, demonstrate, Buffy ;) )"
(F crosses arms)
F: Who says it's a front? I'm just badass.
K: Oh please.
F: Shut up, wannabe
K: Kiss my ass, you old geezer.
(G sighs)
G: For goodness' sake.
F: No, there is nothing.
B: Except a deep tissue massage. That never fails.
(F blows hair from her face)
F: Okay, fine, except that.
Me: From spashley20...
(drum roll)
"I dare you to kiss Cordy. And if you don't...you're a chicken."
B: You bitch.
C: Gotta admit, Buffy; it would be quite a sight to behold.
S: I've got nothing against it.
B: You hush your mouth.
(S shrugs)
S: Just saying.
K: As if anybody needs your input.
S: Piss off, wannabe.
(K scowls)
K: I am not a goddamn wannabe! I'm a Slayer! Boom! Bam! End of story.
F: Yea, just never as good as the originals.
K: I was trying to defend your relationship, dumbass.
F: Pfft. I don't need your defense. B would know if I ever kissed Cordy, it wouldn't be while we were together.
C: Which is precisely why I'm waiting.
(B sniffs)
B: No need to wait, Cordy. It would only be pointless.
C: I guess that makes sense.
(C turns to F)
C: Faith, come here.
(F shrugs)
F: Okay.
(B grabs F)
B: Don't you dare!
(F looks confused)
F: What?
B: She's asking you to go over there so she can kiss you!
F: Ohh.
(Pause)
(F grins)
F: A little loving never hurt anyone, B.
S: Didn't do me much good.
F: Well you're a loser.
(S rolls eyes and mumbles)
S: As if you're any better.
(F grins again and flicks S off)
Me: Well now, next question! From Lupo...
(drum roll)
"If the diary found (Malice) wasn't yours, then how, when, and why did you get your tribal tattoo?"
(W raises eyebrows)
W: Sounds like you have a pretty big following, Faith.
(B scowls)
B: Like they're all stalking you.
AY: Wouldn't you?
B: What?
AY: It's not like they don't have eyes, Buffy. Really. I'd stalk Faith, too, if I was currently unattached.
S: I'd stalk her even if I was.
D: Creepy.
S: You did when you were younger, Nibblet.
D: I prefer to call it a hobby.
X: Now that's creepy.
(D gets defensive)
D: What? She has an air about her.
K: Why do these interviews always end up about Faith?
(F sits back)
F: Because I'm the shit, Ken. Get over it.
K: As if there's anything to get over.
AY: Her goodies.
(Everyone stares at AY)
G: Excuse me?
AG: Yea...excuse me?
AY: You're excused.
W: No really, though, what did you just say?
(AY looks exasperated)
AY: I said, "You're excused." Are you all deaf?
C: Before that.
AY: Her goodies?
S: Yea...that.
(D puts face in hands)
D: It's official. Therapy is desperately needed.
X: I didn't quite get that, An.
(AY rolls eyes and crosses arms)
AY: You are all just stupid. Kennedy claimed that there wasn't anything to get over, and I promptly stated that her goodies were something to get over. Both literally and figuratively. It's not all that hard to understand.
(Cue crickets)
K: You, are so fucking weird.
AY: I hear that's a compliment these days.
(F chuckles)
F: Man, I love you.
AY: I love you too, Faith.
(Pause)
AY: And I will always appreciate your goodies.
B: Will you stop mentioning them? They're mine!
AY: I believe they're Faith's, which is why I'm calling them her goodies. You should learn to realize that not everything is yours. Goodness.
AG: Coming from the possessive demoness.
AY: I just know what's mine and what is yet to be taken. But I do know, for a fact, that goodies are not really something you can take.
(D laughs)
D: I bet she knows that from experience.
AY: At least somebody understands.
(Everyone gapes at AY)
B: Yea. Not asking. Don't wanna know.
Me: The question, Faith?
F: Oh yea. Well, for the most part, it was true. I can't say that all of the story was untrue, only parts were fabricated. But that part; when the Father's mark was tattooed onto me, it was true.
(Pause)
F: Long story.
X: Gotcha.
Me: Well then let us move on to the doubles. Spike and Angel are first.
(X sniggers)
S: Watch your neck, Harris.
(AG turns to S)
AG: I never liked that guy.
F: Where have I heard that before?
Me: From xXAngel of fireXx...
(drum roll)
"Ok, ok, we get it (or at least I do until further evidence) you're not gay, but what is your preference in a woman? (And in no circumstances can you say or describe Buffy... and Faith)"
(Silence)
AG: I'm not sure I quite understand that question. My preference in a woman?
K: I know it's hard to answer, Mr. Fairy, but they want to know-
(AG snarls)
AG: I know what they want to know, but I don't understand what kind of preferences they're talking about.
X: Short, tall, thin, fat, blonde, brunette, redhead...etc. etc.
(C rolls eyes)
C: Can't we all just agree that it's Buffy and get it over with?
S: No. I'm not just into chicks like Buffy.
(D giggles)
D: You just said "chick".
S: What's so funny about that?
D: It's just weird hearing you say it.
(S sighs)
S: Bloody Americans. Can't accept when we don't conform; find it amusing when we do.
(G nods understandingly)
G: It's just the way they are. We must learn to live with it.
Everyone except S: Oh shut up, Giles.
(G huffs)
AG: I don't feel comfortable answering the question.
K: Yea, because all you like are blondes.
AG: Not true.
K: Whatever.
S: I believe it's more case by case basis.
AG: Exactly.
W: Oh, you two are no fun.
AG: Never claimed we were.
F: Angel, you gotta loosen up sometime. Seriously.
Me: Well since there are no answers, let's move on to our last question, which is for our favorite couple; Buffy and Faith!
C: Your favorite couple. Not mine.
K: Mine neither.
X: Can't say I can complain.
(D smacks X)
X: Ow!
D: Pervert.
W: He's a male, Dawnie. Learn to jive with it.
Me: From xXAngel of fireXx...
(drum roll)
"Let's pretend for a moment that the world isn't full of demons and creature that go bump in the night. Do you think that you would've found each other anyway or not?"
(B & F look at each other for a moment)
B: I think so. We're kind of perfect for each other.
F: In a kind of fucked up way, though.
(B glares at F)
F: ...but yea. Perfect. Right.
(B smiles)
S: Fucked up may be the perfect phrase for it, too.
(B scowls)
B: Don't make me stake you.
S: As if you would.
B: Oh I would.
AG: She stabbed me through the heart with a sword. Trust me, she will.
S: Who says you and I are alike, you boob?
D: Did you just call Angel a boob?
S: What of it?
AY: I don't understand. Angel isn't a-
W: It's an expression, Anya, Goddes!
(AY huffs)
AY: Well no need to get all witchy on me, Willow. I was only asking. You act like I've been doing this human thing for all my life.
(W rolls eyes)
W: I will never understand.
G: For God's sake, are we done yet?
Me: Yes, yes, we're all done now. You all can go home and get some rest.
K: Much needed rest.
Me: I'm thoroughly insulted, Kennedy.
K: Oh, not from you. Just from these crazy fuckers.
F: Speak for yourself.
K: I don't know what you're talking about, Faith. You're the craziest of them all.
(F leaps)
(K lets out a war cry)
(F & K start wrestling)
(X nudges AY)
X: An. Video camera.
(AY whips camera out)
AY: Already there.
Me: Well, have a good night, ladies and gents, I hope you enjoyed this episode! Please leave your reviews and questions at the bottom, and see you next time!
(End theme)