Don't look back.
It becomes a mantra, repeated over and over with every step away from her you take.
Don't look back.
She doesn't want you, she doesn't need you. She doesn't love you. But her face, pale skin, clenched jaw, eyes that were too bright…there had been real grief on her face hadn't there? Or was it just self pity, self defense? Was the heartbreak in her voice as painful as yours? If you could only be sure…
No.
Don't look back.
A dream, you'd said, time to go back to reality. You've never thought of yourself as a romantic before, but you have to admit these last few weeks you've entertained the possibility that maybe fairytales do come true. Maybe you could be the lowly knight elevated to royal status, complete with castle, dragons and a fairy princess. You started to believe maybe you could have more, be more than you ever imagined. You were going to use your power for good, you were going to change the world. But you aren't a warrior, Downton isn't a realm of glory and the only monsters here are your own stupidity and Mary's pride. You never stood a chance against either of them. So now, here you are, armor dented and cracked, bruised and bleeding, oozing the contents of your heart all over the grass at her feet.
Don't look back.
You told her you wished her happiness. You do. With all your heart. You also hope you never have to see her again. You know that wont happen, the cruelest part of all of this is how inextricably linked you are and always will be. You will see her again, but for now you keep your face turned firmly away. You can't afford to wonder if you've made a mistake. You can't afford to hope. Don't hope.
Don't. Look. Back.