Disclaimer: If I owned it, I wouldn't have to do the research for this fic on Wikipedia, and still get stuff wrong…
A/N: Thank you so much for your reviews, feedback and critiques. I really appreciate you taking the time to send me comments – some of which, by the way, are a delight to read. The endorphin rush from receiving your remarks got the creative juices flowing and, where I had once been stuck, I am now almost done writing this baby. It's like you guys are my Kate Beckett ;)
So with this chapter here begins the parts where we wade into uncharted waters, in terms of characterization (no template, in a way, for how the characters would act/react). I had to write up many takes on the scenes in this chapter before settling on what I thought hit the mark. I'm curious to know what you think, though, especially as your feedback will likely help me fill in the few gaps that remain. Or change what future chapters I've already written!
The Art of Living - 3/8
The lights from the ambulance lit the alleyway, flashing light and dark, spinning in a nauseating carnival of red and white. Kate watched as the paramedics lifted Castle onto the stretcher, shouting out orders and vitals in organized chaos.
Her head hurt.
Her heart...
"Kate?" Esposito touched her elbow with a gentleness he didn't show very often.
"I'm fine," she said, more because those were the words she'd trained herself to say when she felt exactly like this. Lost and disoriented and not fine.
"Do you want to ride in the ambulance?" Ryan came to stand next to Esposito, worry etched into the lines around his eyes.
She turned to look at him. It took a moment for his words to sink in. And when they did, she was surprised to find she was shaking her head.
Ambulances and doctors and flashing lights still reminded her of things she didn't much like to think about outside the safe confines of her therapist's office.
"Beckett." Esposito said. His tone was stronger this time, snapping her out of her wandering thoughts.
Which is the exact moment in which she remembered Alexis.
"Call Lanie," she said, knowing it sounded more like an order than a request. "Pick up Lanie and bring her to the hospital, Espo," she said in a softer tone. She turned to his partner. "You ride with Castle, Ryan. And keep me posted."
He nodded, though he was frowning.
"What about you?" Esposito asked, his tone indicating just how much he didn't approve of this situation.
"I'm going to pick up Alexis," she replied. Ryan's eyes widened; his worry multiplied ten-fold.
"Shit," Esposito muttered under his breath.
"I have to tell her in person." Because hearing it in person from someone you knew had to be better than hearing it over the phone or from a stranger knocking at your door in the middle of the night.
"Go home and change first," Ryan suggested. "Wash your hands."
She looked at her hands, now stained red with Castle's blood. She viciously suppressed the urge to throw up. She took a deep breath and counted backwards from twenty in Russian.
"I'll see you at the hospital."
Esposito hesitated. "Lanie will kill me if I let you drive like this."
She lifted her hand up between them, holding it out flat. It was perfectly steady. "I have to tell his daughter, Javi." She was pleading with him, and it reminded her of pressing her shirt into Castle's abdomen, wishing, praying, hoping, pleading for him to be okay. She dropped her hand to her side before she gave herself away.
He nodded. Kate turned on her heel, unable to bring herself to look back and watch the ambulance doors close on Castle's unconscious form.
Kate stared at the elevator doors as the lift slowly climbed up the building to Castle's floor. She'd changed her clothes and washed her hands, but she still felt his blood sticking to her skin.
She wiped her hands against her jeans. She'd thrown the clothes she'd been wearing earlier down the garbage chute on her way out of her building. Because she couldn't stand the thought of them. Of all that blood.
Kate shook her head. Stop, she scolded herself. Prepare a plan of action.
Stop thinking so much.
Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and she quickly fished it out with unsteady hands.
Castle stable, the text from Ryan read. In OR.
Kate allowed herself to breathe.
The doors slid open in front of her, and with significantly more confidence than she felt, Kate marched out of the elevator and to Castle's door.
She knocked. And then she waited.
"Detective Beckett!" Alexis greeted with her usual ebullience, the door swinging open. "Where's dad?" She searched the hallway behind Kate, still smiling.
Kate entered the loft.
"Alexis," she said, as gently as she could, trying not to think of how a detective had ended her world when she was just a little older than the girl in front of her.
Alexis' face fell. "Oh no. No." Her voice shook, echoing the mantra Kate herself had clung to not thirty minutes ago. "What happened?"
"Get your things, Alexis," Kate said. Little Castle looked so scared, so alone. Kate smoothed her hair away from her face. "Sweetie, I'll tell you on the way to the hospital."
But Alexis didn't move, instead she stood by the entrance, looking at Kate with near-panic and no doubt picturing worst-case scenarios.
Kate took her gently by the shoulders. "Alexis, he was hurt while we went to arrest a suspect. Ryan just texted me: your dad is in stable condition. Come on," she nudged the girl towards the stairs.
Alexis suddenly ripped herself away from Kate's grasp. "No!" There was a fierceness in her tone that startled Kate. "Tell. Me. What. Happened!"
Beckett briefly considered deflecting or hedging, until she remembered Castle's honesty-only policy with his daughter.
I hope I'm doing this right, she silently telegraphed the thought to Castle.
"We got a call about a break-in at our crime scene," Kate began. "The intruder ran, and I gave him chase. He..." She had to pause as the sudden undertow of guilt sucked her down. "He got away from me." And your stupid, stupid father, she thought, took it upon himself to try and subdue the suspect. Out loud she said: "Your dad tried to take him down, without realizing that the suspect had a knife."
Alexis sucked in a breath.
Kate stopped, watching Alexis carefully.
"Stupid." Alexis shook her head. Her face flushed with anger. Hands clenched into fists by her side. "I told him to grow up. I told him he should stop pretending to be a cop."
Kate had no clue about any of this. Apparently, Castle's honesty-only policy didn't extend very far beyond his daughter. I'm sorry, she wanted to say. I didn't know.
But that was a conversation better saved for the man himself.
"I shouldn't have listened to him." Big angry tears swept down her face. "I knew this would happen. I should've known better than to let him go back. He doesn't know better." She looked at Kate, something near hatred in her eyes. "This is your fault!"
Kate said nothing, knowing Alexis needed to vent, to release a valve on her sudden stress. But she couldn't stop the knife that sliced through her heart. Because, she thought, it was true. She was at fault. If she'd been quicker, stronger, smarter-
"He said he had to protect you!" She glared hard at Kate. "Did this have to do with your mother's case?" Her voice was low and rough, like gravel underfoot.
The question startled Kate. "My mother's case?" she asked, bewildered. And since when did she need protecting? "No." She wasn't looking into her mother's case. Castle had been right. She was going for counselling. "No, it has nothing to do with that, Alexis."
"He almost got shot last time!" She yelled, no longer really listening to Kate. "And now…" she choked, hot tears streaked her cheeks. A jag of sobs shook her shoulders.
Kate immediately wrapped her in a hug. "Okay, it's okay. Sh. It's alright," she soothed, waiting as Alexis cried, waiting as her stress and worry found their outlet. She wondered if Alexis had been keeping this all inside since Montgomery's funeral.
"Honey, we need to get going to the hospital." Kate said when she heard Alexis's sobs give way to sniffles. "The sooner we leave, the sooner we can be with him."
"Okay." Alexis said, still shaken. She pulled away in a daze, not looking at Kate. She walked towards the stairs. "Okay."
"Get your wallet," Kate called after her. "You might need ID. And your cellphone, okay? I'll call your grandmother while you collect your things."
She watched Alexis go up the stairs before pulling out her phone and dialling Martha's cellphone, her heart heavy with Alexis' grief. When they found whoever had stabbed Castle, she was going to string him up by his thumbs.
"Hello?" came the cultured, clearly thespian tones of Martha Rodgers.
"Martha," Kate began, "this is Detective Beckett-"
"Kate! What a lovely surprise," Martha exclaimed. "What is this about? I'm sure Richard told you I'm in LA for the week. The ocean, Darling, does wonders for the skin."
"Martha, I'm afraid I have some bad news."
There was only silence on the other end.
"Rick was attacked while we attempted to round up a suspect. He's been taken to Mount Sinai."
"Is he okay?" Martha's voice was thick with fear. "What happened?"
"He was stabbed in the abdomen. He's in stable condition at the moment." For the hundredth time in just as many seconds, Kate was grateful she had somewhat good news to give Castle's family. "But that's all I know."
"I … I..." Martha stuttered, but was unable to say more.
"I'm at the loft now, Martha. To take Alexis to the hospital."
"Oh my goodness!" Martha cried, "Alexis!"
"I'll take care of Alexis, Martha," Kate promised. "Can you make it back to the city?"
"What? Oh, yes. Yes, of course," Martha rambled. "The next flight. I'm on the next flight. Mount Sinai, you said?"
"Yes." Kate bit back the apology that sat bitterly on the tip of her tongue. "Will you be okay, Martha?"
"Yes." She sounded stronger now, less disoriented. "Yes. I am on the next flight out of LA. I will see you soon, Kate."
"I'll text you with updates." Kate said, and waited for the line to disconnect before putting her phone away.
Alexis came flying down the stairs, purse in one hand, a book in the other.
"It's my dad's favourite," she explained, hastily slipping into her shoes, tears drying on her face. "He used to read it to me at bedtime when I was little."
"Come," said Kate, ushering Alexis out the door and down the hallway with an arm around her shoulders. "Let's go."
Alexis remained silent, staring at the floor, clutching her book, and not looking at Kate until they entered the elevator.
"My dad," she said quietly once they were inside and had began their descent. The tears were back. "When he feels strongly about something, he doesn't stop. He doesn't know how to."
Someone, Kate thought desperately, hearing the accusation in Alexis' voice. When he feels strongly about someone.
She had been so sure she was making progress. She'd been working on bringing that wall down. She'd gone - was going, she was going for counselling.
And now, this.
"I don't want to lose my dad," Alexis whispered.
"As long as I have a say in the matter, Alexis," Kate vowed, "you won't."
Over an hour later, Kate was sitting next to Alexis in the waiting room. She kept a worried eye on the younger girl. Alexis was clutching her book like it was her only lifeline, sitting at the edge of her chair with every muscle tensed.
Over Alexis' head, Kate exchanged a concerned glance with Lanie.
Esposito and Ryan were sitting on either of Lanie, both staring at the floor.
Kate felt the hole in her chest, like her heart had been scooped out. She had to constantly remind herself to breathe. She worried about Alexis because it was the easiest way to keep from worrying about other things. Every muscle in her body was tensed too, she realized. But every time she tried to relax, it felt like she was letting herself fall into a dark, bottomless hole, losing her balance and falling just like she'd fallen down the fire escape earlier in night.
"Richard Castle?"
Five heads shot up, five hearts paused mid-beat. They all stood up, not knowing what else to do, trying to read the prognosis in the doctor's tired face.
"He's my dad," Alexis said, her voice was small, afraid.
"He's going to be fine," the doctor said kindly.
Kate felt faint with relief; the tight bands constricting it released their grip. She had nothing to hold her up, until she remembered that Alexis was right there.
"The excessive bleeding was caused by the knife nicking your father's spleen," the doctor continued. "We had to remove part of his spleen, but he'll be back to 100% after a course of antibiotics. Once he's awake and fully alert, I will run Mr. Castle through the full list of precautions he will need to take in the coming weeks. We'll be keeping him for a couple of days."
The doctor looked at Alexis. Kate put her hands on the girl's shoulders, because she looked like she needed it.
"We're moving him to a room now." The doctor said to her. "The nurse will come and get you when he's ready for visitors."
Ryan let out a relieved laugh. Esposito whooped, grabbing Lanie and spinning her around.
Alexis looked dumbfounded. Silent and still and lost.
"Hey," Kate said, cupping her face in her hands. "He's going to be fine, Alexis. It's okay."
Giant tears welled in the girl's eyes, and Kate was powerless. She pulled Alexis into a hug, murmuring soothing inanities.
"Why don't you go wash up?" Kate said, long minutes later. She wiped the tears from under Alexis' eyes with her fingers. "Splash some water on your face? You know how your dad hates to see you cry."
"Okay." Alexis reluctantly let go of Kate and went to the washroom. Kate watched her go. She could feel her hands suddenly shaking, didn't want to be anywhere near Alexis when the adrenaline plummeted, when the crash came.
"Kate?"
"I'm fine, Lanie." She barely managed saying it, her voice trembling. "I'm okay." She left the room, brushing past Ryan and Esposito, found the nearest stairwell and pushed the door open.
She leaned her back against the cool concrete wall, let it take all her weight as she slid down to the floor. She couldn't stop shaking, couldn't breathe the relief was so strong. She tried to focus her eyes on the far wall but everything was blurry; tried to gulp in deep breaths but nothing seemed to work.
He was not her mother. He was fine. She would catch the bastard who put him here, but Castle would be able to attend the trial. The sentencing. She didn't know if she had it in her to gnash her teeth against injustice for two ghosts.
But he was okay, and that was all that mattered. Kate managed to bury her head in her hands right before the tears flooded out.
She let go because there was no one to see, because she didn't make a habit of grieving for her mom in plain view, and she couldn't share her relief for Castle with anyone.
The door to the stairwell swung open tentatively.
"Kate?"
"I'm okay, Lanie," she choked out. Her friend had impeccable timing when it came to pulling Kate out from whatever dark hole she'd began digging to hide in.
Lanie knelt down beside her, wrapping her arms around Kate's shoulders and holding her close. "I know you are, honey." She didn't say anything else as Kate tried to get a grip.
"All I could see was my mom," she couldn't stop crying.
"Sweetie," Lanie soothed. "You're okay. He's okay."
Kate took long, deep breaths. She was okay. He was okay. Her tears stemmed.
"Alexis?" Kate asked. She wiped her eyes with the sleeves of her jacket.
"She's fine." Lanie replied, loosening her hug so she could look at Kate. "Ryan and Javi took her to get a hot chocolate. Something to take her mind off until they let her see Castle."
"Lanie, he can't do this anymore. That girl-"
"Sh," Lanie hushed her, pulling back to smooth Kate's hair away from her tear-stricken face. "Don't go there just yet, sweetie. He's fine."
"But the next time?"
Lanie had nothing to say to that.
"God," Kate said, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "I'm such a mess."
"You kept it in for so long, Katie. Hell, I'm surprised you didn't end up flooding the stairwell."
That netted a smile from both women.
"I'm going to go wash my face before I face Alexis again." Kate sighed, looking over at Lanie. "She yelled at me, when I picked her up."
"She's a child. A scared one."
"I calmed her down, but when she gets over the shock of all this, she's going to hate me."
"This was not your fault."
Kate looked away.
"Do you hear me, Beckett? Castle makes his own choices. And this here is writer-boy being in the wrong place at the wrong time."
"This is 'writer-boy' not listening to me when I tell him to stay the hell out of the way."
"And now you can lord that over his head for the rest of your lives."
"Don't think I won't," Kate muttered darkly.
"And there's my girl," Lanie said, grinning.
Kate grinned back, sort of. This was all still a bit too fresh. "Let me call Martha. Then I'll come find you."
Kate walked the hallway to Castle's room, stopping right outside his door. She would enter, she would check on him, and make sure he was okay. She would not cry.
That was the plan, until she looked inside the room and saw Alexis climb into the bed with Castle. He was lying on his back, covered by a thin sheet, eyes closed, unmoving because he was either asleep or medicated. Alexis, her eyes red and swollen, wound her arms around her dad, cuddling in close and holding on tight.
Watching the scene unfold before her, she was hit by a full frontal assault of relief and fury and guilt. She couldn't look at him right now. Didn't trust herself not shake him or slap him or hug him.
The precinct, she thought. She should go back to the 12th and make a statement and report in to Gates – who would no doubt take perverse pleasure in being vindicated. This was likely the end of her partnership with Castle, if the captain had any say.
Kate didn't know if that was a bad thing. She didn't know if she would fight the captain on it this time. She slowly turned around and walked away. She'd come back when he was awake and she was in better control of herself, wasn't so emotional. And Alexis needed time with her dad, without intrusions, to hold him close until she shed the fear that he wouldn't be coming home tonight. The fear that he would become another picture in a case file, another memory etched into the walls of her heart.