Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, Sora and I had the same time slots for two different classes, and our very first class being the same debate class.
Tuesdays and Thursdays we had completely different schedules, but I decided to go with him to just wait for my class to start, even though my class started an hour after his. I sat under a tree, doing some of my reading for a class, when I saw that redhead walk by. He was listening to music with headphones, snacking on a red apple, walking with a tall blonde who had a Mohawk, the front shorter than the back.
They were so busy talking, he didn't notice me, but I couldn't help but watch at the way his hips swayed and the way his head tilted back when he laughed, the way his eyes slanted when he smiled. What I didn't notice at first, was how I was noticing all of these things. How? How could I experience such a rush of nerves just by looking at him?
I went to my class half an hour later, and when I got out, I went back to that tree to wait for Sora, who had two classes.
I started to doodle randomly when, out of the corner of my eyes, I caught something red. I couldn't help but spring my head up from my notebook, and when I saw him again, we made eye contact. He winked at me and I started to breathe heavy. I couldn't explain any of it, but I could feel this strange longing in my heart. I exhaled heavily through my nose when he turned his head back to face the direction in which he was walking past me, but before he was lost in the distance, he turned around to wave and without any consent from my mind, my hand shot up. I felt so embarrassed at how desperate I must have seemed, like I had been waiting, been hoping for him to wave to me, but he only chuckled and I could see those slanted almond shaped eyes smile through the unfriendly distance between us.
That night when I finally fell asleep, after Sora kept me up talking about his homework and an old friend he caught up with, I dreamt about him. I dreamt about that redhead munching on his apple, about him smiling like he had a secret worth hiding, or a love worth releasing. I dreamt about him winking to me, beckoning me to his side with a slender finger, with arms open wide to provide the safety and security I never got. I dreamt that I could tell him my deepest darkest secrets; I dreamt that I could trust him with all the things that I trained myself to hide. That I could tell him how much I hated not having my dad around, about how I wish I could show how much I actually miss someone I barely remember. I dreamt that I could tell him how I blamed my mom for messing up my life, when I know it's not really her fault. I even told him how I was afraid of ending up alone because Sora always tells me that by pushing my emotions aside, I'm pushing people away. And in this wonderful dream of mine, he held me. He wrapped his arms around me and listened intently; he kissed my forehead and erased all my worries.
When I woke up the next morning, man, was I disappointed. I wanted to talk to him, wanted to hear his voice, wanted to watch the way his tongue danced in his mouth and maybe, just maybe, I could imagine what it would be like if it danced in mine. And there I go again, fantasizing about someone who's name I don't even know. But the weirdest part was, that I could feel a bond with him regardless. I'd never seen him before, I've never heard his voice, nothing, but I could feel a connection with him as if I'd known him for months.
How? How is it possible? As if we knew each other in a past life and just now we are being reunited and we remember traces of each other. Or maybe we are soul mates, meant to be, just waiting for our destiny's to mix? Either way, I hoped that the day I got to get one step closer was sooner rather than later.
A week had passed and even though we had that debate class together, and even though he would wink and smile at me every damn time, we never said a word to each other. Maybe he was trying to keep the game going, or trying to keep things fresh and fun, but I was beginning to feel impatient, and when Sora and I came home one Friday, I couldn't take it anymore.
"You ok?" Sora asked at the way I threw my backpack on the floor.
"Yeah, just frustrated." I sighed.
"What's wrong?" Sora invited himself on my bed.
"Nothing." I crashed on my bed, on my back, arm over eyes.
"Roxas!" Sora warned me to share.
"It's nothing Sora, just stress from homework."
"Roxas, we're twins, I can tell you're lying." Sora poked my shoulder hard.
"Don't worry Sora, I wouldn't hide anything serious from you." I lowered my arm at him so he could see the sincerity in my eyes, but he only rolled his before he left to prepare dinner.
How? How could someone make me so nervous and make me so feel so vulnerable? How could someone make me want to study him and learn everything there is to know about him? I mean, yeah he's smoking hot, but there has to be more. There has to be something that is feeding this hunger that is never satisfied.
When I got into my debating class that next Monday, I didn't see him. He wasn't there and I felt like I had been abandoned. Again. That entire class felt twice as long as usual since I didn't have him to look at; him to distract me. Just about every class, he makes funny faces until he sees me laugh, or he pretends to shoot himself during the boring lectures, or sometimes he nods along intently as if he were actually listening, but just to be sarcastic. And I don't know if I'm just saying this because it's how I want it to be, but I feel like he's doing it for me. He's constantly watching me to make sure I catch him when he does something funny and when I laugh, he smiles like it's the payment he was looking for, and for me, well, it just makes me feel special.
Special. That's a feeling I never trained myself to hide, because I never felt it. I never had someone love me enough to make me feel like I was their one and only. I mean, I have Sora, but that's different; that's not the kind of warm fuzzy heart feelings I get when I'm around him.
A name. That's what I need. I hate thinking about him without having a name. How can I be in a class with this guy and not even know his name? Sure there are a lot of us, but still, a name isn't too much to ask for, is it? And why? Why hasn't he come up to me to ask me for mine?
By the time I finished spending more hours of my life thinking about this mystery guy, I became so tired I just wanted to sleep. No, it's not sleep I wanted. I wanted to dream. To take the risk and hope that I can dream about him holding me; about him making me feel safe in a realm where my emotions were ok to express.
When I had my favorite class again on Wednesday and I didn't see him there either, my heart literally sank. Sora told me he had to go to the bathroom and I told him I'd get us good seats, but part of me actually considered ditching when I didn't see him in his usual spot.
"You ok?" Sora asked when he got into his seat just in time, since I was half lying on my desk looking depressed.
"Sure," I don't know why I was so sad to miss him, but I was.
"What's up?" He nudged me further.
"Just frustrated, but it's nothing big," I could tell that Sora wasn't buying it, but the professor began talking. I didn't even bother to take notes, and I just wanted to leave so badly to hurry up and move on with my day so Friday could come sooner and I could see him again. It wasn't until the professor released us from class when the idea hit me that he could have dropped the class, which would mean that I wouldn't see him again unless we randomly ran into each other on our ways to other classes.
I sighed, turning around, looking all over the huge auditorium filled with over a hundred students, hoping to discover that I could have been wrong about him being absent.
"Looking for me?" I heard a voice behind me and when I turned, I saw him. I froze. I didn't realize how tall he is and how narrow his waist is, or how sexy his hips are because I never saw him this close up.
"Oh, uh," I always blanked out at the most inconvenient times. Where did he sit and how did I miss his vibrant red hair?
"I'm Sora, and he's my twin, Roxas." Sora stuck out a hand and the tall redhead looked at it strangely before he laughed and shook it with a smile.
"Name's Axel. Got it memorized?" He pointed to his temple and Sora, simple innocent Sora, thought for a moment before he nodded.
"Axel. Got it!" He gave Axel a thumbs up, and it was clear that the redhead was at least a sophomore by his confidence and his height.
"So, Roxas eh?" He turned to me and I blushed lightly.
"Yeah," Was all I could say. I took after Cloud in that I never said more than what was needed, much unlike Sora.
"You have any more classes for the day?" The slender redhead asked me.
"We have one more in an hour." Sora took out a piece of paper with our schedules on it, not afraid to show he's a freshman.
"You in for coffee?" Axel asked me and I shrugged.
"Maybe later," I brushed past him and into the hall, working so hard to not turn around and see his reaction, but I knew I could always ask Sora later.
"Roxas! He's totally into you! And he's hot. Why'd you say no?" Sora asked once we were deep in the crowded hallway.
"I, I don't know. I just felt like I had to leave." I said simply. I know I've been dreaming about him, waiting for the day I could find out his name, but once I got so close to him, I got so nervous, I felt like I was going to puke.
"Hmm, if you say so." Sora always trusted my judgment to be right.
"Where we off to next?" I asked, leaning against a wall, watching people pass by in a hurry to scramble to their next class on time.
"Well we have an hour to kill, and I wanted some tea, so,"
"No. We'll look stupid if we go there after I said no, and the last thing you need is caffeine." I kept observing students as they paraded up and down the hall.
"But Roxas," Sora whined, already too hyper.
"Why don't we just go wait outside and work on our homework?" I suggested, hating how our professor assigned us homework so early on in the course.
"Fine," Sora pouted and I teased his hair with my hand.
"Alright, what's next?" I asked Sora when the time for our next class neared. We may have been in school for our third week, but I was still trying to adjust.
"Um, you have a math class in room 138. I'll be in room 358 for writing." Sora looked at his printout.
"K, see ya later," I started walking towards my next class when Sora stopped me by grabbing my hand.
"Love ya!" He hugged me tight and I couldn't help but let him.
"Love you too Sora," I patted his head and began walking again, arriving way too early for my liking, and choosing a seat in the way back of a huge lecture hall.
"Alright Roxas," I heard a voice say and when I turned, I realized that Axel had just chosen a seat next to me. How long has he been enrolled in this class and how did I not notice? There were literally over three hundred students, but he's the only one with fire-red hair!
"Oh, hey," I tried not to sound surprised, which surprised me. Usually these emotions are so far fetched to me, I'm not used to having to hide them.
"I didn't know you had a high level math class." Axel said and I didn't know if he was complimenting me or insulting me.
"Yeah, I'm not as dumb as I look, although I'm sure you understand what that's like," I huffed, trying to appear mad because that's the one emotion I wasn't afraid to hide.
"Calm down, I wasn't trying to be an ass." Axel crossed his arms and perhaps he has more attitude than I gave him credit for.
"Guess some don't have to try as hard as others," I said, not really meaning it, but just feeling like it was the only way I could respond.
Axel turned to face me, looking so sad it only fed my anger. "Ouch, someone's not in a good mood."
"You're one to talk," I rolled me eyes, wondering deep inside myself why I was acting like a jerk, but in the moment, I just couldn't see another way out of it. On the inside, I was screaming at myself to be nice to him, to get closer to him, but all I could do was suppress those feelings and show the only emotions I had: sarcasm and anger.
"Whatever," He sighed, standing up with his messenger bag and moving forward a few rows. My heart sunk, and I didn't know why. I hated how immediately sad I got, how so unexplainably hurt I felt. I worked so hard to get a name, to get close enough to see his eyes sparkle and to see his tongue flicker against his teeth, and I fuck it up with a smartass comment?
I couldn't help but stare at the back of his head as he took out his notebook and a pen, twirling it carelessly in his fingers as we waited for the professor to walk through the door. His red spikes were so wild and creative, they kept my eyes happy as I tried to explain that pitiful feeling in my stomach. It was almost like regret, guilt even, and it was making me sick. When I tried my hardest to ignore it, he turned around. He turned to face me and I got real red real fast. He smiled, and it killed me. I couldn't smile back, because I felt like I couldn't do anything except sit there staring back at him. Then he did it again. He winked. He winked and I inhaled big and I could tell that he noticed by the way he sort of silently laughed as he turned around again.
What was happening to me? I may have been nineteen, but I've never been in a relationship before. I just couldn't experience love because, well, by now, I suppressed any emotion close to it far away. That, and that boy from my childhood; I lost the only love I had and I can't put myself through that again. But then here is this beautiful figure smiling and winking at me and I go numb. I know that if I were to ask Sora, he'd say it was nerves. No, he'd say butterflies, like tiny little wings fluttering in my stomach beckoning me to get to know him more; to discover what his touch feels like; to find out what my body does when he calls my name with that tone that makes you know you're wanted.
Damn. I just started college and I'm already getting ahead of myself. They say college is a place of self-discovery and growth, but right now, all I want to do is discover who this Axel is, and to grow closer to him. Cause maybe, just maybe, Sora might be right, and I could be missing out by hiding all these emotions when some people deserve to see them.
Author's Note: YAY, so they finally have contact! This story is way too short . I feel like I should extend it lol. I hate having Homework, and right now its midterm exams time, so my writing has slowed down a bit and its really sad :(
To moonstar100: Cute name! Yes, I feel like a lot of people can relate to the idea of wanting to forget, and while it's sad, it sometimes feels like the only option. Thanks for your interest in my story! Please check out some of my other work, since it can keep you busy inbetween the days I post chapters for this story =)
To boxthissideup: Awww, yay! I'll keep writing then ^_^ hehehe . Ok, there are a LOT of places I want to visit (Germany, Japan, etc.) but if I had to pick one place to live, there's no competition: Canada. Why? Because, believe it or not, I am the biggest female American Hockey fan you will EVER meet. It's pretty obsessive. I'll ditch class to watch a game, I only wear colors of the team I'm favoring to win on the day of their games, and I even trained my roommates not to wear the colors of the opposing team. So yeah, Canada, because I LOVE hockey and I swear that I'm SO addicted to it that I was born in the wrong country .
To 18plusforme: haha YAY! I feel weird admitting it, but hey, bondage is hot . lol. Aww, well I'm totally in love with the fact that you are in love with my new story ….O.o …. Haha I'm weird, I know :P And its ok, take your time and yes, the more lemony, the better ;) Thank you!
Anyway, thanks everyone for reading!
Heart, Sarabellum