Wicked Abridged

ACT II

Scene 1

So it's been about three years since the whole Shit Went Horribly Wrong thing. Elphaba's still on the run, but we don't care about that! There are more important matters to attend to at the moment!

Oz is scared shitless of Elphaba, all because of that bitch Morrible and her crafty ways. Glinda, now Glinda the Goody Two Shoes Princess Figure, calms everyone down by having an engagement party for herself and Fiyero. Um...yeah. That makes sense...

Well, Fiyero isn't on board with any of this, especially when Morrible starts making up some bullshit about Elphaba. So he's all, "Fuck this noise! Fiyero is out! PEACE!" And Glinda's all, "Dammit! My life kind of sucks! But whatever! This is a party to dispel the fear and torment in Oz, even though it's more like a form of escapism!"

Scene 2

Elphaba decides to crash at Nessarose's house. Boq is now Nessa's pimp, because she knows that if she lets him go, he'll leave her sorry ass. Elphaba's all, "Dad's gotta help me now!" And Nessa's all, "Oh, he died because you brought shame onto the family. I'm governor now, and Boq's my man whore."

Elphaba's all, "Well, screw him! You can help me!" And Nessa's all, "Are you fucking high? I'm not helping you!" And Elphaba's all, "Well, even though you still hate me, I'll make your TOMS magical so you can walk!"

So that happens, and Boq sees that Nessa can walk now because her TOMS are all red and sparkly. So he's all, "I'm gonna try to win Glinda over and tear her away from that asshole Fiyero!" And Nessa's all, "What the fuck? She can't even say your name right, and you still love her? Fuck you, bitch! You're going to pay!"

So she steals Elphaba's book of torture and kills Boq...sort of. She takes away his heart, so I think that counts. Then Elphaba turns him into tin so he can still live, because there's no magic that can help give his heart back. Nessa's all, "Wow, maybe I really am wicked. This. Is. Fucking. Awesome."

Elphaba's all, "Yeah, I'm leaving now." And Nessa's all, "Come back, bitch!" And then Boq's all, "Omigod, I'm a tin can! What the hell?" Then he runs away.

Scene 3

There's a party and shit. Party and party and yeah!

Scene 4

The Wizard catches Elphaba trying to sabotage him, so he decides to seduce her, because he hasn't gotten some in a while. So he's all, "You don't have to be bad. You can be awesome, just like me!" And she's all, "Okay, but you need to let all those poor monkeys go." And he's all, "Okay."

Scene 5

So all the Flying Monkeys are free, but Elphaba makes a shocking discovery: Dr. Dillamond's a normal goat now! Oh, no! So, he makes noises and eats shit like the rest of the goats of the world! THE HORROR!

Elphaba's all, "Screw you, Wizard! You suck ass!" Then the Wizard's all, "Guards! Help me!" So the guards come in, but Fiyero's all, "Yo, I can handle it! Leave us alone, douchbags!" But then Glinda comes in and is all, "What the hell? We were in the middle of a party! Oh, it's Elphaba!" And Elphaba's all, "Oh, it's Glinda!" And Fiyero's all, "Yeah, change of plans, sweet cheeks. I'm running off with your ex-best friend." And Glinda's all, "Omigod, so you were having an affair the whole time behind my back?" And Elphaba's all, "No, you dumb bitch!" And Fiyero's all, "Well...nah, we weren't, but now we will! Fiyero and Elphaba are out. PEACE!" So they leave.

Well, Glinda's pissed about Fiyero, and Morrible's pissed about Elphaba. The Wizard decides that they have to set a trap for her, so Glinda's all, "Use that bitchy governor chick. They're sisters. Elphaba will do anything for her."

So Morrible's all, "Time for a twister!" And we realize that she's really evil. Dun. Dun. Dun.

Scene 6

Glinda's all emo about not getting married. Boo-hoo.

Scene 7

Fiyero and Elphaba share an intimate moment out in the woods. Oh, how delightful.

Scene 8

Before anything can get really steamy, Elphaba realizes that Nessa is in trouble! Oh, no! So she has to leave and see what the hell is going on.

Scene 9

Well, Nessa got squashed by Dorothy's house. So Glinda gives Dorothy Nessa's TOMS and sends her off. Elphaba gets there and is all, "Um, what the fuck? Those were my shoes!" And Glinda's all, "Shut up, I'm still pissed about you being Fiyero's whore!" So they kick each other's asses, and then the guards come in to kill Elphaba. But Fiyero comes in and allows her to escape before getting captured himself. Glinda, realizing what a big bitch she was, tries to stop them, but they don't let up their needlessly pointless torture.

Scene 10

Elphaba tries to save Fiyero with magic, but it doesn't really work. So...yeah. Epic fail!

Scene 11

Boq, who's actually the Tin Man, and the caged lion cub, who's actually the Cowardly Lion, decide to become violent as shit and lead a witch hunt. Glinda realizes how sucky that is, but Morrible's all, "Too bad, so sad. This is the fucking shit right here!"

Glinda goes to where Elphaba is, and they make up after all the shit they've put each other through.

Scene 12

They say goodbye, because Elphaba's all, "Yeah, I'm leaving." And Glinda's all, "Okay."

Scene 13

Dorothy melts Elphaba, and Glinda goes to the Emerald City to let the Wizard know. She shows him a green bottle that was with Elphaba when she died, and the Wizard realizes that he was the random fuck who did Elphaba's mother. So he stumbles off and is all, "Oh, damn...I gotta bounce!" And Morrible gets arrested for being a big bitch. Well, it's about damn time!

Scene 14

OMG! Elphaba is ALIVE! Water didn't melt her! It just...concealed her conveniently-placed trap door! And Fiyero isn't dead, either! He's a scarecrow! Wow!

Glinda's all, "Yeah, that's what happened. And I'm sad. Boo-hoo." And the Ozians are all, "Fuck that shit!" And Fiyero and Elphaba are all, "We're out forever! PEACE!"

END OF ACT II

END OF MUSICAL

So...wait. She didn't die? WHAT? My childhood's been RUINED! RUINED! How can you change the story THAT MUCH? What is WRONG with the world? FUCK THIS!

A/N: LOL I really liked the ending. This was such a great musical...it made me cry!

Review please!