Chapter 2: President Evil
"It is done." Xigbar said as he returned to Voldemort's lair.
"Fantastic, Xigbar!" Voldemort smiled at this news. "There's no need for you to worry about the sponge bath either. Bellatrix taught me how to wash myself like a big boy."
"Kid's really let himself go." Xigbar remarked. Voldemort stiffened at this.
"But he's a very thin kid."
"Thin? As if!" Voldemort stood for a few moments trying to take in this development. Once this had been done, he slapped Xigbar to the floor and began kicking him repeatedly.
"Do you have any IDEA who Harry Potter is! Do you?" Wormtail cleared his throat to get the Dark Lord's attention, who was currently occupied pouring petrol over Xigbar and searching for a lighter.
"If I may suggest something... You could put your hostage to use."
"Hostage? I don't recall having a hostage." Voldemort said.
"You know, the guy you captured before the story started."
"Oh, that hostage! Yes, this idea has merit, Wormtail. President Jobsworth will be the bait the lure Harry Potter to his demise! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Voldemort cackled evilly before being interrupted by the person next door.
"Hey! Keep it down! I'm trying to sleep here!"
"Sorry." Voldemort whispered. "mwahahahahaha."
000
"The President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?" Asked an advertisement playing on the television on display in the window of the television shop Harry and co. were passing. Wait a minute, I hear you say. Why is our hero being referred to as Harry now?
"Since my decoy was killed, I no longer need a fake name."
The television started bouncing up and down.
"Pay attention to me! Now are you, or are you not, a bad enough dude to rescue the president?"
"Yes, yes I am! Ron, Hermione, I hope you brought the people saving bags, we're off the rescue the President!"
"Harry, think about this." Hermione pleaded. "Don't you remember that business with Sirius Black?"
"Who?"
"Your godfather." Ron interjected helpfully. "You were tricked into thinking he was being tortured, so you went to rescue him, but he wasn't being tortured and he came to rescue you and he died. Is any of this ringing a bell with you?"
"The point being," Hermione said, "This could be a trap."
"But what if it's not?" Harry argued. "Could you live with President Jobsworth's blood on your hands?"
Ron and Hermione looked at each other sheepishly.
"If this is a trap," Hermione threatened, "I will gouge out your eyes and replace them with your testicles."
000
"I knew it." Hermione looked up at the evil looking castle where President Jobsworth was being held captive. "Ron, get the scalpel ready."
"What were you expecting?" Harry retorted "Disneyland?"
Hermione sighed. "I guess you're right. Let's go. Ron, hold on to the scalpel just in case."
As Harry went to knock on the castle doors, a fishlike creature jumped out and startled the trio with a warning.
"It's a trap!"
Harry studied the creature for a moment. "Wow. Thanks, Admiral Ackbar!"
"No problem. President Jobsworth is being held by Umbridge at the Hanging Court."
"Let's go team!" Harry charged off, ready to go on his latest adventure. Hermione facepalmed. "If I were the hero, this would have all been sorted by now. But no, J.K. Rowling had to make boys want to read..."
"Who's J.K. Rowling?" Ron asked.
"Your mother." Hermione snapped.
"No, she isn't. My mother's Mrs Weasley, and she's noticing that I'm not home right about..." Silence. "Now."
A scream echoed through the land. "Ronald Weasley! Where are you!"
"I'm saving the world, Mum!"
"Oh. OK then. Will you be home in time for tea?"
"I don't think so, mum."
"OK, I'll leave your food in the oven so that it stays warm. Good luck dear!"