Chapter 3: The Kingdom of the Lizardmen

"This is the place." Harry studied the map in his hands, a pointless exercise as the map had only a picture of Harry and an X on it. The rest of the map was covered with "Here be dragons", "There be dragons" and "Everywhere be dragons".

"I don't think you'd need a map to see that." Hermione pointed at the Hanging Court, where President Jobsworth was captive. The Court was between two ordinary, unremarkable houses, but the Court itself was anything but ordinary. A long, rickety rope bridge suspended perilously over a pit of lava led to a foreboding gothic cathedral, complete with thunderclap. At midday. Go figure.

000

A man stood in the centre of the Court dressed in his Sunday Best. He appeared to be on trial, with Xigbar standing above him, making sure that he could not flee. In this context, "Above him" means upside down on the roof. Xigbar's second purpose was as a bodyguard for the judge. She, a large, slug-like creature wielding a heart-topped sceptre, was presiding over the trial.

"David Yates, you are convicted of the crime of staying with the Harry Potter film franchise longer than any of your predecessors. How do you plead?"

Yates pondered a while before giving a response.

"I plead that you've really let yourself go, Umbridge."

"OFF WITH THEIR HEAD!" Umbridge roared, for indeed, 'twas she. Harry and his friends burst into the courtroom to function as a defence.

"Your honour, I didn't catch what film series you're talking about, but surely, a bit of consistency is a good thing? Besides, how could you think of executing a man who burned you good?"

"On second thought, don't answer that last one." Ron hastily added.

"Order in the court!" Umbridge shouted for silence. "Criminals are allowed to have someone defend them and hopefully prove them innocent?"

"Courts now operate on the idea that criminals are innocent until proven guilty, your honour. It's a new thing." Xigbar clarified.

"Well, this changes everything." Umbridge said, before adopting a more sinister tone. "I don't like change." She slammed her sceptre on a small blue button on the desk in front of her. This opened a trap door- rather inconveniently, it was nowhere near where Harry, Ron and Hermione were standing. Umbridge sighed.

"Would you mind tossing yourselves down the trap door?" Umbridge asked.

"You can get some filler out of it."

"Everything up to this point has been filler!" Hermione refused for the three of them. Umbridge turned to address Yates.

"If you push them in, we can discuss sending you to prison instead of beheading." Umbridge's new offer was more tantalising. Yates moved towards the trio.

"Sorry about this. It's nothing personal."

"Cast them down!" Umbridge ordered, thus forcing Yates to push our heroes into the pit.

000

When Harry, Ron and Hermione came to several hours later, they'd been tied to three stakes by a race of what appeared to be lizardmen. A larger specimen in grand robes who appeared to be their leader noticed they were awake.

"Ah! Our sacrifices are ready! We can commence with our ritual!"

"Where are we?" Hermione asked them.

"I am the Lizard Queen, and this is the Kingdom of the Lizardmen! Whenever someone falls from the world above, we dress up in a pantomime costume taken from the Dress-Up Wardrobe and then sacrifice them to our God with the Sacrificial Chainsaw!" The Lizard Queen gestured towards said chainsaw, which was currently resting on a table. "As I am the Queen of the Lizardmen, I have the right to sacrifice all who fall here!"

"Now that's not very fair, is it?" Harry said. "It would be more appropriate for all of you to get chainsaws, so that you can fight over the Sacrificial Chainsaw, which you can then use to kill us, having gotten dressed up in a pantomime costume."

"That is more fair." The Lizard Queen conceded. "But we only have one chainsaw."

Ron caught on to what Harry was trying to do. "If you untie me, I can magic up many chainsaws." The Lizard Queen complied, thus allowing Ron to magic up many chainsaws. After these had been handed out to the lizardmen, a truly horrific battle commenced. Hermione watched in horror as left, right and centre, lizardmen were decapitated, disembowelled, dismembered and other violent verbs beginning with the letter D. Eventually, none remained.

"I hope you two are happy with yourselves. You've driven an entire race to extinction."

"Who cares? They tried to kill us, so it's fair game if you ask me." Harry said.

"Besides, we should look for the Dress-Up Wardrobe. I have an idea..."