Chapter 4: Anyone Reading This Will Be Pleased to Hear That the Plot Finally Goes Somewhere in This Chapter

In the Courtroom, Umbridge had been learning about the workings of the new legal system.

"So, the jury are to discuss amongst each other how they feel about the evidence presented by the defence and the prosecution before the judge passes a verdict?" She asked. Xigbar and Yates nodded in confirmation.

"OK, so if anyone could volunteer, that would be terrific."

The jury, which consisted of Jafar, Commander Worf and a pantomime donkey in a straw hat, stepped out from a room behind Umbridge and took their places behind her.

"Jury. Commence nodding." Umbridge ordered. The jury obeyed. Nod. Nod. Nod. Nod. Nod. Nod. Nod. Nod. Once this had been done, Jafar announced the jury's verdict.

"Your honour, we, the jury, find that you can no longer be allowed to live."

000

Before Umbridge had a chance to register what Jafar had said, he had pulled the two halves of his staff apart to reveal a chain, which he promptly used to strangle Umbridge. As she flailed about in her death throes, Umbridge slammed the big red button next to the small blue one. This button released an army of ninjas into the room, who attacked the jury. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Bruce the Goblin tore off their now useless disguises and fought the good fight (Bruce had been taken captive by the Lizardmen, but they had allowed him to live, as his small stature meant the Lizardmen could use the pantomime donkey costume. He was quick to reassure Hermione that he was not on the Sex Offender's Register.) As their attention was occupied, a pit slowly opened and several writhing tentacles emerged from inside. Yates was stuck on the ever decreasing circle, so he decided to jump to safety. He was unable to jump far enough, and started to slide down the sides of the pit, when one of the monster's tentacles wrapped itself around his leg, trying to drag him to his demise. Elsewhere, Ron was battling multiple mooks with Dispel spells, as his conscience had caught up to him after Hermione had shouted at him for driving the Lizardmen to extinction. Naturally, this was having little effect, and one of his spells went off course when the ninjas charged into him. Xigbar had gone relatively unnoticed in the ruckus, and was aiming his crossbows at Harry's head.

"It turns out the Boy who Lived was on borrowed time."

Xigbar laughed at his little one-liner, and fired. Harry instinctively crouched as a pair of crossbow bolts embedded themselves in the wall directly above his head. Ron's dispel spell had hit Xigbar, taking away his spatial manipulation abilities and throwing off his aim as he fell into the pit. He bounced off the tentacle wrapped around Yates' leg and rolled into the monster's mouth. The sudden shock had loosened the monster's grip on Yates, thus allowing him to scramble out of the pit and run into a side room. The remaining ninjas continued to fight for a while, but they soon gave up and fled upon realising that Voldemort's hanging judge and one of his lieutenants had been lost, leaving Harry, Ron, Hermione and Bruce the Goblin victorious.

000

Once he was sure the battle was over, Yates came out of the side room, accompanied by a stout, portly figure.

"I am President Jobsworth. Thank you for rescuing me. Before I discuss my plan, I have a question for Ron. Why were you using Dispel? Are you a wee little sissy man or something?"

Ron was outraged at this slight.

"I am a Buddhist. How dare you insult my religion! Just for that, I'll vote for Senator O'Cratt in the next election!"

"Since when were you a Buddhist?" Hermione asked.

"Since you made me feel bad about the Lizardmen episode." Ron replied sheepishly.

"Now that was quick."

Jobsworth continued once Ron's rage had subsided.

"As you may or may not know, Voldemort is immortal, unless he does something to change that. However, he can be defeated with the use of three artefacts. These are the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail and the Crystal Skull."

"Do we have to get the skull?" Harry groaned. "If there are aliens involved, I'm out."

At this point, Admiral Ackbar reappeared with more sage advice.

"I'm an alien and I saved your life!"

"Fine." Harry sighed, and reluctantly accepted the quest.

"I will assist whenever I can. Admiral Ackbar away!" Ackbar leapt into the air and flew through an open window, only to be caught in a lasso and dragged down to Earth for a crash landing.

"Collecting the artefacts will teach you the method to defeat Voldemort. It is imperative that you succeed!" Jobsworth proclaimed with a flourish, and the group of five turned to leave. Jobsworth called Bruce back.

"I think four will be enough. You can do my laundry."

Yates tried to engage the trio in conversation as they left.

"So, which artefact are we going after first?"

Silence.

"Why are you ignoring me? No hard feelings, okay?"

"Actually, there are." Harry shoved Yates down the trap door to the Kingdom of the Lizardmen.

"What was that for?" Yates called as he fell.

"You helped Umbridge when you would benefit from it, so we can't trust you not to do the same thing again."

Our heroes opened the door to leave the courtroom, to come face to face with Voldemort.

000

"What the hell is going on here!" Voldemort raved. "You will die Harry Potter!" Harry put up a hand to silence the dark lord.

"These are not the wizards you are looking for." Voldemort repeated this in a dreamy voice, as if hypnotised.

"Move along"

"Move along."

Wormtail burst out laughing. Voldemort was confused.

"What? Am I missing something here?"

"You let your greatest foe ruin your operations and then escape unscathed." Wormtail said, before pausing as he was laughing too hard. "I didn't say anything because it's funny when you make a fool of yourself."

"Wow." Voldemort said. "I haven't felt this awkward since I had to turn down Sephiroth."

000

"You have a sword the length of an articulated lorry, and a single black wing that makes getting through doors an absolute bitch. You're compensating for something, aren't you?"

000

"Hello?" Called a voice from the pit. "Mind if I interrupt this cutaway which positively, definitely will not prove important later?"

Voldemort looked about for the source of the voice.

"Xigbar? Where are you?"

"I'm in this monster's mouth. Could you help me out, please?"

Voldemort cackled, as he was finally in control.

"You expect me to help you after all the nonsense I've had to put up with from you? As if!"