Chapter 5: Ronald Weasley's Failing Sideshow

"All righty then. I bring the first meeting of the Super-Pals to order."

Harry, Ron and Hermione sat around a table in the local pub. Bruce had managed to finish doing Jobsworth's laundry and catch up to the trio, and soon got himself a job serving drinks.

"We know that we need to look for the three artefacts, but we don't know where, or indeed how, to start looking. Any suggestions?"

A bout of silent, contemplative chin-stroking began, which was ultimately broken by Ron.

"How about we have a montage where we research possible locations, complete with a bad 80's song?"

"Ron, you're a star!" Hermione complimented Ron for the first, and probably last, time. "Do you have any bad 80's songs on your MP3 player?"

"No, but I do have the Marvel Vs Capcom 2 song. Will that do?"

000

Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom, Voldemort and his remaining cronies were watching our heroes' movements on an old black and white television.

"Say, sir. Why are we watching an old black and white television instead of the Black Cauldron of Blackness?" Bellatrix asked.

"Bowser Jr. never gave the Cauldron back. That thing cost me a fortune! Now I need a drink to calm down. Bryce!"

Voldemort called for Bryce the Goblin, Bruce's brother, to pour him a drink, and took a hearty swig.

"Ah. The tears of children are so refreshing!"

Voldemort's cauldron-related rage had vanished following a taste of the cruel concoction. "From watching the old black and white television, we know that the kids are gathering three artefacts in order to defeat me. Wormtail, you find the Holy Grail. Bellatrix, you get the Crystal Skull."

Voldemort stopped as Bellatrix's hand went up. "Yes?"

"Can I bring Harley Quinn with me?"

"Fine, you can take Harley Quinn with you."

"She was my roommate at uni, you know." Bellatrix clarified. Voldemort continued the meeting.

"This leaves the Ark of the Covenant to Kagemaru, leader of the ninja army," Kagemaru waved a hand about to indicate himself, "Who will be accompanied by my most powerful minion." A gesture towards the hooded minion who often accompanied Wormtail. "The one they call... Lex Luthor?"

Lex Luthor was standing in the doorway, and he didn't look too pleased.

"It's Tuesday. I've booked the Legion of Doom for an aerobics class. You'll have to leave."

"Can't you see I'm in the middle of a meeting here?" Voldemort snapped.

"I'll let you finish if you and your minions come to my aerobics class."

"Are they evil aerobics classes?"

"Yes."

"Deal."

000

"My montage idea worked! This is where the Holy Grail is!" Ron said with glee.

"Do you plan on telling us where we are?" Harry asked.

"We're in Camelot." Ron answered.

"Camelot?"

"Camelot."

"Camelot?"

"Camelot. It's only a model." Ron added, thinking that the other two were in awe of the castle.

"Zis castle is no modell!" A soldier with a thick French accent called from the top of the castle.

"Do you know where the Holy Grail is?" Hermione shouted to the Frenchman.

"Ah have eet, and you cannot have eet!" The Frenchman shouted back. "A fat little hairy man wanted eet earlier, but he could not have eet eizair!"

000

"Greetings, fair knight! I'm afraid I know but one phrase of your language, so you will have to forgive me for incorrect pronunciation or whatnot." Wormtail cleared his throat before he spoke.

"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi c'est soir?"

"Get out of my contrieee!"

000

"I can make you change your mind." Ron shouted across. "None shall pass!"

The Frenchman facepalmed, so Ron tried to gain his sympathy. He pointed at Harry.

"He turned me into a newt!" Silence, as nobody was fooled for a second. Ron apologised to Harry. "I got better. Okay, how about this." Ron addressed the Frenchman once more.

"I didn't vote for you!"

This didn't work either. "You would not be expected to! You are not legell citizains of France! Besides, you are not yet of age, and would be unaibell to vote anyway. Sacre bleu!"

Hermione could not take any more.

"I can't take any more!" Hermione took a golden object in the shape of a pineapple from her pocket and threw it at the castle. The Frenchman gasped in horror once he realised what it was.

"Ze Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! How did vous get zis?"

The castle exploded, and Ron caught the Holy Grail as the blast tossed it out of the castle.

"That was rather anticlimactic." Harry said, disappointed. "How did you get that anyway?"

"It was on eBay." Hermione replied.