Chapter 6: Originality and Sense go to Die in the Corner

"The Holy Grail has been collected, and is currently gracing Ron's fireplace, the jerk. I had dibs on it!" Harry shouted in frustration.

"I'll trade you for a mug with "I Heart Buddha" on it." Ron replied. Harry's scowl informed Ron that he had no such mug, as did his leaving to go to a local charity shop.

"Ron, could you come over here?" Hermione showed Ron her laptop, which was on Bellatrix's Facebook page. Bellatrix had left a comment saying:

"I'm going to Arkham Asylum for a visit before getting the Crystal Skull, because I know where it is." Underneath was a message saying "Lord Voldemort likes this." Hermione and Ron put their coats on to leave.

"My plan is to follow Bellatrix and find the island ourselves." Hermione informed Ron.

"That's all well and good, but what's Bellatrix doing in Arkham?" Ron asked.

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"Dr Crane? Why are you working here?" Bellatrix asked as she stood at the entrance of Arkham Asylum. Crane took a sip from his I Heart Buddha mug before answering.

"Budget cuts. The inmates are covering until we can get funding for more employees."

"Can Miss Quinzel come out and play?"

"I guess so. Just make sure you're back by six o'clock."

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Ron had grown bored of the journey to the island.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

Following a bit more of this, Ron asked where they were going.

"Where are we going anyway?" Ron asked, as the island came into view.

Hermione pointed to the island. "There."

Upon docking the boat, Ron saw a sign telling him that the island was Isla Nublar.

"You know what? I'm out. I'm fed up of this rubbish!" He shouted to nobody in particular.

"You and me both!" Boomed the voice of the Narrator. "Next time the author should take their time and think, instead of writing whatever crap comes into their head!"

Hermione had found another sign saying "This way for the Crystal Skull!" She muttered to herself.

"This is suspicious, but I guess there's nothing to worry about. If it were a trap, Admiral Ackbar would have said so by now. Are you coming Ron?" Hermione found that Ron was too engrossed comparing script notes with the Narrator.

"Buddhism? I'm a Catholic! That's the only explanation I can think of as to why there are so many Weasley children!"

"My script was from an earlier draft."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. There was a drafting process?"

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Hermione travelled to the heart of the island alone, where she eventually found a goat which was wearing the Crystal Skull on one of its horns.
"Could I have that please, Mr Goat?" Hermione kneeled down to talk to the goat, who refused her offer by butting her and running off.

"When I find you, you're going on a one way trip to a dairy farm!" Hermione threatened.

"No he won't." Cackled a female voice from the inside of a dome shaped building.

"Why not?"

"Because Rex here just ate him."

Suddenly the building was destroyed as Bellatrix Lestrange rode out on a Tyrannosaurus Rex wrapped in a faded banner. Bellatrix had the Skull in her lap.

"Now for your reward." Bellatrix put one of her fingers in Rex's mouth, allowing him to bite it off. She screamed in orgasmic pain, and rubbed the bloodied stump over her face.

"Oh yeah, that's the stuff."

"You're off your rocker!" A horrified Hermione screamed in terror at this psychotic display.

"Harley, where are you?" The mad woman called in a singsong voice for her similarly insane cohort.

"I found these two criticising the plot." Harley pulled a clown's handkerchief behind her to reveal Ron and the giant celestial finger of the Narrator tied up.

"Screw this, I'm out of here!" The Narrator used his omnipotent powers to pull out his finger from the trap and return to whence it came until his next appearance in chapter 8.

"I knew this was a trap!" Hermione started to beat herself up. "Why didn't Admiral Ackbar say so?"

"I'll take that question." Bellatrix said. "Admiral Ackbar is dead. He gave my Voldy-Woldy food poisoning!"

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"Fried Calamari for dinner tonight sir. Put your bib on." Wormail set the plate down on the tray of Voldemort's high chair.

"Why isn't your bib on?"

"I don't want it!" Voldemort sulked.

"If you don't put the bib on, you can't have pudding." Wormtail warned his master, who reluctantly put the bib on. He sat motionless.

"Is something wrong?" Wormtail asked.

"Feed me."

Wormtail started to let his anger get the better of him.

"Sir, you're a big boy now..."

"Feed me!"

With a deep sigh, Wormtail stabbed a fork into the food, and moved it into Voldemort's mouth.

"Here comes the broomstick. Nyeaoouh!"

As Voldemort chewed on his dinner, Wormtail heard a small voice say "It's a trap!"

"Did you hear something?"

"No Wormtail, you must be going senile."

"I'm only 38!" Wormtail snapped.

"You spent 12 years of your life as a rat!" Voldemort retorted.

"Touchẻ."

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"I'll be right there now. Bye bye!" Bellatrix switched her phone off.

"I didn't hear any of that!" Ron moaned.

"The phone rang during the cutaway." Bellatrix said. "Harley, could you take these two and the Skull to Arkham? Lex Luthor doesn't let us bring work matters into his aerobics classes."

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"You can put the prisoners in my office for a bit, Harley. I'm just off to the staff room to watch Hollyoaks." Dr Crane gave Harley the keys to his office before departing. He stopped outside a cell with an unusually optimistic prisoner. Sneaky Dave was a wizard notorious for his crimes of wizard tax evasion, burning Muggles at the stake and owning Jersey Shore on DVD.

"This is the day. I'm going to escape today. I'll finally be out. I hear Michael Bay's latest is on special offer..." Dr Crane threw a phial of fear toxin into the cell, and the change was palpable. Dave collapsed to the floor and cradled himself.

"Natalie Portman's legs aren't meant to do that! That's some David Cronenberg stuff right there! Do not want Donotwant DONOTWANT!"

"Anti-Contextuo!" Hermione whispered the spell towards Harley during the commotion.

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"I have to keep you occupied for a bit. Any requests?" Harley motioned towards Dr Crane's bookshelf. Hermione had a book in mind.

"Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, please. The chapter when Ron is poisoned."

"WHAT?"

"OK, Ron has been poisoned, here we go." Harley cleared her throat and began to read. ""Ron!" ejaculated Slughorn." Harley stopped, closed the book and slowly put it down. She had turned white as a sheet, and was shaking violently. She put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger to reveal a bang flag. Next, she attached some sticky tape to the flag and put it on the roof of her mouth. The reasoning for this became clear as she started to vomit profusely. Ron took the opportunity to steal the Skull, Dr Crane's Buddha mug and the book.

"I'm going to sue this J.K. Rowling person for improper use of my name! Who does she think she is?"