Chapter 7: What Harry did at the Charity Shop
Harry arrived at the charity shop to see two men in robes trying to buy a large golden crate. The crate was intricately decorated with biblical imagery, and was supported by two large poles on either side. The men were discussing their find with Joyce from behind the counter.
"That coffee table has been here since we opened. I don't understand why nobody's bought it until now." Joyce lowered her head to whisper to the men.
"I was going to buy it myself, you know."
One of the men, who wore a hood so as to conceal his identity, spoke to the other, whose face was visible.
"It's a good thing that you like buying old videos for 50p each even though you can't watch them, Kagemaru."
Kagemaru put his videos on the counter and rooted around in his pockets for money.
"I'm stockpiling for when someone invents a video-to-DVD converter."
Joyce cleared her throat to get Kagemaru's attention.
"This is the sixth copy of Star Wars Episode 1 you've bought. Isn't one enough?"
The other man was irritated by this.
"I hate that film! Why do you keep buying it?"
Kagemaru rounded on his soon-to-be ex-friend.
"So you're the one who keeps getting rid of it! There's more to the film than Jar Jar you know! Now I feel bad because I thought it was Xigbar."
"Xigbar, did you get rid of my Episode 1 video again?" Kagemaru asked.
Xigbar didn't even look up from his newspaper. "As if!"
An awkward silence ensued.
"This cutaway is here purely to use that catchphrase one more time, isn't it?" Kagemaru said.
"Of course!" M. Bison confirmed.
"Stop right there!" Harry shouted. "You can't have the Ark of the Covenant, and neither can Voldemort!"
Kagemaru drew his katana, knocking his tapes over and sending Joyce diving for cover with a cry of:
"So that's what that coffee table was."
The hooded man took the opportunity to escape with the Ark, leaving Harry to deal with an ill-tempered ninja.
00000
"Harry Potter. At last we meet." Kagemaru advanced upon Harry menacingly.
"You've been causing some trouble for Voldemort. He didn't take you seriously until my ninjas failed to prevent you from rescuing President Jobsworth."
"You were behind that?" Harry interrupted.
"Yes." Kagemaru replied. "The President was kidnapped by ninjas. Evidently, you were a bad enough dude to rescue the President. For that you must be slain."
Kagemaru licked the blade of his sword in a misguided attempt to intimidate Harry, serving to give our hero enough time to knock over a basket of bouncy balls, prompting Joyce to shout from under the counter.
"Leave my balls alone!"
The balls hit Kagemaru in the face, causing him to step back onto more balls and fall over.
"Slapstick AGAIN!" he screamed.
"Again?" Harry inquired.
"I was defeated once by the slapstick antics of three young ninjas. Since then, I have taken a new identity and defeat all who shall use it against me. You are no exception!"
Kagemaru raised his weapon for another strike and slashed wildly, beheading a mannequin in the process.
The mannequin's wig landed on Kagemaru's head, distracting him. Harry seized this chance to smack Kagemaru with the closest object to hand- in this case, a 2004 Big Brother annual. Kagemaru was thrown off balance and staggered backwards into a wardrobe, which fell and crushed him.
"I admit defeat. Truly, you are a worthy opponent." Kagemaru wheezed. "Now, lift this wardrobe off me. There is one thing I need to do."
Harry complied, and Kagemaru kneeled and drew out a dagger. Harry leapt backwards, but Kagemaru reassured him.
"Fear not. This is not for you. I have dishonoured my clan and ancestors. Now I must pay the price."
Kagemaru slowly moved the dagger across the side of his waist, creating a gaping wound, before falling to the floor, dead. Harry took the katana and a "I Buddha" coffee mug and ran in pursuit of the hooded man. Meanwhile, Joyce got out from her hiding place and looked at the state of disrepair her shop was now in.
"I am not cleaning this mess up."
Instead, she closed the shop early and went to pour herself a cup of tea.