Chapter 9: The Boring Exposition Chapter With Few Jokes, None Of Which Are All That Funny

"Please don't scuff the floor dragging that thing." President Jobsworth called as Harry dragged the Ark of the Covenant into Jobsworth's office.

"If you helped me, I wouldn't have to!" Harry snapped. "The Ark was so heavy, the taxi took forever to get here, and because I couldn't afford to tip the driver, he made me sing "I'm a Little Teapot", so you'll forgive me if I'm not in the best of moods right now."

Jobsworth rubbed his hands with glee before continuing with his plot-dumping duties.

"Well done Harry, you've found the three artefacts."

"Hang on!" Ron and Hermione protested "We found one of them!"

"Harry's name is in the title so he gets the credit. Anyway, I've discovered that the artefacts will bestow Harry with the Great Kali Technique."

Right on cue, three beams of light came from the artefacts, and combined to form an instruction manual.

"While I remember, Harry, you're being replaced while you learn the technique."

"By me." The replacement announced in a gravelly, badass voice. "Neville Longbottom."

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"I hired Neville as Harry's replacement because the guy I normally get wasn't available. Big chap with bigger sword, dresses in red with his arm in a sling, you might know him, but I digress. Neville here is a bounty hunter with a personal grudge against Voldemort."

Ron and Hermione were not pleased at losing a chance to be the hero. Neville could tell.

"You're not pleased at losing a chance to be the hero. I can tell. I'm warning you now. Try anything, and I will break you in so many places, a contortionist would wince." Ron and Hermione backed off. "One of Voldemort's men killed my cousin. I heard he was acting as a decoy for you guys."

Ron was taken aback by this startling new revelation.

"The fanboy in Chapter 1?"

Hermione didn't say anything, as she was too busy wondering how such a poor author could have the audacity to retcon a minor comic relief character into someone of relative importance.

"The man responsible has been taken out." Neville said. "Voldemort will be the next best thing."

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Jobsworth got out two tapes.

"I want you three to watch these tapes so that you can see what Voldemort has been up to in your absence."

The first tape showed Wormtail wearing a trenchcoat and dark glasses, speaking to a man in a purple coat. He appeared to be a merchant of some kind.

"Welcome stranger! What are ya buyin'?"

"I'd like some superweapon plans, please." Wormtail said, handing over a sack full to the brim with gold.

"Not enough cash, stranger!"

"Wow, those must be some really good plans."

Wormtail took out a piece of paper.

"What are ya sellin'?"

"I'll throw in the publishing rights to my autobiography as well. I call it "Surrounded by Idiots.""

"Ah! I'll buy it at a high price!" The merchant was impressed with his acquisition and handed Wormtail the plans.

"Heh heh heh! Thank you. Come back any time, stranger!"

00000

Jobsworth took the first tape out and switched on the second.

"This tape shows the weapon and its effects."

The screen changed to a woodland scene with three chipmunks discussing an important matter.

"Hey, Alan. Did you hear about Alvin's lot from the forest next door? They got a record deal!" One of the chipmunks said.

"I did, Thelonius." Alan said to the first chipmunk. "How much do they get, Timon?"

Timon the bespectacled chipmunk examined his copy of Chipmunk Forbes.

"According to this, it's $74 billion a year."

"$74 billion!" Alan leapt up in surprise. "You two go underground and find some instruments! We're starting a band!"

Alan stayed where he was and shouted out.

"Do you hear that world? Alan, Timon and Thelonius are starting a band! It shall be called..."

The tape's viewers never found out what the band would be called, as a laser disintegrated Alan, alongside the rest of the forest. Timon and Thelonius came back up to investigate and search for their brother.

"Alan! Alan! Alan!"

Hermione, who was still bitter at being shafted by the new guy, regardless of his badassery, commented sarcastically.

"So, is this some sort of Death Star or something?" She was interrupted when a deep voice on the tape rumbled.

"BEWARE! I LIVE!"

"Worse." Jobsworth's face was grim. "It's a Sinistar."

Ron dropped the mug he was drinking from, and it shattered on the floor.

"Oh my Buddha!"