Chapter 12: Duel of the Fates 2 - the Quickening

As Harry and Neville progressed through the corridors of Bogwash, the guards started to panic. Unfortunately for the guards, Guard 246 had an unfortunate habit of joking about when he was nervous.

"... And then they said, "The Aristocrats!""

"Urgh!" His superior, Guard 17, said. "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard! How could you even come up with that sort of thing? Why I ought to sack you on the spot!"

A fired spell caused Guard 246 to vanish, and a surprised Guard 17 said,

"Hm. I guess that saves me from having to go through the paperwork."

Harry and Neville pushed him aside and reached the staircase leading to the roof, which was guarded by a goblin.

"Sorry, guvnor, can't let you pass. Boss' Orders." The goblin said. Without warning, Harry pinned the goblin down, wrestled off one of his clogs, and blew into it. Bruce the Goblin soon appeared with a ping.

"What can I... Oh hang on, I forgot to turn the stove off." Bruce disappeared, but then returned a minute or so later.

"Turns out I did turn the stove off. What can I do for you?"

Harry pointed at the other goblin.

"Fight him."

The two goblins didn't start to fight. Instead, they did quite the opposite.

"Bruce?" The stair goblin said. "Is that you?"

"Bryce!" Both goblins ran at each other, crying.

"Let's go to the pub and catch up on old times!" The two goblins left, revealing a save point.

"This is our last chance to rest, Neville. Are you ready?" Harry asked.

"Yes." Neville confirmed, then used the save point. "Yes, I would like to overwrite the current save file. I am sure, now stop asking!"

00000

"Harry, Neville! I'm so glad you could join us!" Voldemort grinned as the two would-be heroes arrived. "Wormtail will see to you now."

Wormtail cleared his throat before summoning a creature to fight in his stead. Upon seeing the single Bidoof, Harry put away his wand and turned to leave.

"I can't do this. This is stupid. You wouldn't know evil if it came up to you, said "Hi, I'm evil!" then stabbed you in the gut! In fact, name the worst thing you've done. I've probably done worse."

Voldemort shrugged. "My worst? I was the one who decided that Sora should marry Matt and not Tai. For those of you with an irrational hatred of anime dubs, that's Yamato, Taichi and, erm, still Sora."

"Yerwha?"

"That was me. The Christmas special was my idea too. Still think you've done worse?"

Harry twitched slightly, trying to keep his murderous rage in check. He failed. He dove towards Voldemort, raining blow upon blow on him.

"I'm going to kill you!"

As they rolled away in a ball of brawl, Wormtail got Neville's attention, and introduced him to the Most Powerful Minion, who had until this point, been unnoticed.

"Let's you and him fight." Wormtail said.

"Remember me, bitches?"

"Xigbar, is it?" Neville suggested. "You qualify for posthumous character status by now."

"Close, but no cigar." He minion took his hood off to reveal... Darth Maul. Yeah, again. What are you gonna do about it? Sue me?

00000

"Allow me to explain." Wormtail said. "Darth Maul here was killed by Harry Potter. Yet here he is, alive and well. That's because Darth Maul is a Highlander."

"Immortal!" Maul snapped. "You're always getting that wrong! We rehearsed it! If I were a Highlander, I would have to be related to the Mcleods in some way, but I'm not. I met Duncan at a charity dinner once, but that's about it." Neville was looking at his watch.

"You done? Go back to Zeist, you drama queen."

"That does it!" Maul snatched Wormtail's wand from his hand and started jabbing at Neville with it.

"That wand will not function to the best of its ability! You are not its true master! The wand chooses the wizard, remember?" Wormtail cautioned. Maul stopped his stabbing for a moment.

"Look. We've been playing fast and loose with the series mythology throughout, and you think this- this- is what'll piss off the fanboys? Get real."

00000

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, a young wizard was using a Muggle artefact he'd obtained from some smugglers to look at fanfiction.

"Hahaha, that's quite the one liner there." He scrolled down, then gazed at the screen in horror. "That's a direct contradiction of continuity!" He squealed, before hastily scribbling a note on some parchment and attaching it to his owl.

"Go, Archimedes! We must warn the Daily Prophet at once!"

00000

Neville was trying his best to prevent Maul's pointy stick of fury.

"Careful!" He taunted. "You could have somebody's eye out with that!"

"That's the point!" Maul roared, before giggling at his unintentional pun. His anger gave Neville an idea.

"You're using that wand all wrong. You can cast spells with them."

Maul's rage subsided.

"Really? Could you teach me? I've never used one before."

"I'll show you a spell." Neville got out his own wand. "Sectumsempra!" The curse was a direct hit on Maul's throat, beheading him. A storm of power burst out of the wound, creating a shockwave that tossed Neville back down the stairs, then blocked them with some rubble. While Neville cleared it, Harry would have to defeat Voldemort alone.