Chapter 13: And So the Adventure Returns

The battle between Harry and Voldemort was interrupted when the energy from Darth Maul's demise threw Wormtail into the fray. Harry hadn't noticed and carried on punching, though his attacks were now hitting Wormtail.

" Ow ow ow! Stop hitting me! What did I ever do to you?" Wormtail pleaded, causing Harry to pause, deep in mock thought.

"Let's see, you handed my parents over to Voldemort, for one."

"You can have that."

"Then you framed my godfather for mass murder and sent him to prison."

"Ok, let's not go overboard..."

"Then you helped revive Voldemort by torturing me."

"We get the point, now stop it!"

"You have proven yourself to be a worthy adversary." Voldemort said. "Now I must reveal to you a shocking secret about your parentage. President Jobsworth never told you what happened to your parents."

"He told me enough. He told me you killed them." Harry replied.

"No." Voldemort cleared his throat before dropping the bombshell. "I am your parents."

"That's not true. That's impossible!" Harry fell to his knees.

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true." Voldemort persisted.

"NO!" Harry shouted. "It is physically impossible for you to be my parents. First off, you're male, so you couldn't get pregnant, unless you were Arnold Schwarzenegger's character in the film Junior, or had had a sex change but retained female reproductive organs. Alternatively, you'd have to be a hermaphrodite, but they can't have children."
"Damn!" Voldemort swore. "That usually works. Okay, how about this. KHAAAAAAN!"

"No."

"There can be only one?"

"Still nothing."

"Bravo." Wormtail applauded. "You're the first person to make it past that stage. I'm not sure whether that says more about Voldemort or the other idiots who've challenged him."

Voldemort drew a phial of red liquid from his pocket and drank it, transforming into a form Harry was disappointingly familiar with.

"A giant snake? Really? That's so clichéd." Harry sighed. "Couldn't you have become, say, a rhinoceros, or a lion, or possibly a disgruntled giraffe?"

"I don't see why I'm a giant snake either." Voldemort said. "That was tiger blood I drank. At least it made me winning enough to crush you!" Following a facepalm from harry, Voldemort added, "Don't be like that. It was topical when I bought it!"

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Harry's phone rang. It was Hermione.

"Sorry Ron and I can't help, Harry. Mrs Weasley grounded us and now we're being forced to watch every episode of CSI Miami in a row. How's it going up there?"

"It's not looking good. Voldemort's just gone One-Winged Angel on me." Harry said.

"Did someone say One-Winged Angel?" Harry turned to see who had said that. Wormtail had noticed too.

"Here comes a new challenger, sir."

"Sephiroth?" True enough, 'twas Sephiroth, and he was accompanied by a Latin choir that chanted ominously.

"Okay, Harry. You distract Voldemort while I charge up my Supernova attack."

Harry obliged, and checked on Sephiroth after a few minutes.

"Are you done yet? Namek could have blown up in the time it's taken you to... Neville! What the hell? He was on our side!"

Neville had finally made his way back to the battle, but had mistakenly killed Sephiroth.

"Aren't you glad I came back?" Neville sulked. The Latin choir was not impressed.

"He killed our employer! Get him!"

The choir swarmed over Neville, battering him to a pulp.

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"That's it, buddy." Harry said to Voldemort. "I'm using the Great Kali Technique." Harry extended his hand towards where Voldemort's heart would be and chanted. "Kali ma. Kali ma. Kali ma!"

Nothing happened.

"Nothing happened." Harry said.

"Yeah, that's what I said." Quipped the Narrator.

"Why didn't it work?" Harry was confused.

"Did you collect the artefacts in the correct order?" Voldemort asked.

"What?"

"Did you get the Ark first?"

"No."

"There's your problem."

"So you're saying..."

"Yes." Voldemort confirmed. "The whole adventure has been a waste of time! MWAHAHAHAHA!" Voldemort paused. "That goes for you at home too. It was fun, right?" Silence.

"On second thought, don't answer that." Harry added. "This oversight makes me so mad! Jobsworth should have mentioned it. I'm going to see what he has to say." Harry dialled the number of Jobsworth's office. The phone was answered by a gruff female voice.

"This is President Bea Ure O'Cratt. I've been brought in to replace President Jobsworth, who's been sent to prison following a sting operation. Turns out he was smuggling Muggle artefacts on the side." Harry put the phone down.

"I should have collected the Dragon Balls instead."

"I already collected them." Voldemort said. "I wished that you couldn't use them."

"Son of a bitch!" Harry shouted, kicking a small rock in frustration. The rock hit Voldemort.

"Ow! That rock must have weighed seven grams or something!" He cried.

The revelation of this weakness gave Harry an idea.

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"Hey, Voldemort! Over here!" Harry stood in front of a brittle wall and lured Voldemort into destroying it. The wall shattered, showering Voldemort in debris.

"Ow ow ow! I hate being banged by seven gram rocks!"

"That's how I roll." Harry took up Sephiroth's sword and, with a war cry of "Winning!" slashed Voldemort with it. The tiger blood poured out, restoring Voldemort to his original form.

"You haven't defeated me yet, Potter! I still have enough strength for the basics!" He whipped out his wand, and before Harry could counter, he attacked.

"Crucio."

Harry rolled on the floor in pain as Wormtail looked on. He decided to take advantage of his weakened boss.

"Wormtail! What are you doing?" Voldemort shrieked as Wormtail lifted him up in his metal hand and carried him to the edge.

"This is for making me watch Disaster Movie!"

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"This isn't funny, sir. It's the characters of various films coming on screen, saying who they are, then farting for the next five minutes."

"I know, and that's what makes it funny!"

"I am Kung Fu Panda!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"See, the character isn't even called Kung Fu Panda! And now Beowulf is raping someone. Terrific."

"Hello Kettle, I'm Pot. You're black."

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"Wormtail, don't!" Harry pleaded. "He must go on trial!"

"His power to create cutaways is too dangerous for us to let him live!"

"If you drop him, you will be at the same level as him."

"You're right." Wormtail admitted. "I've always thought of myself as better than him. It's just that I've had to put up with so much degradation from him over the years. My arms getting tired anyway. Voldemort, we are going to... crap, I just dropped him."

"Have Charlie Sheen play me in the movie adaptation!" Voldemort managed to scream, before being impaled on a spire of the castle. Neville came to congratulate Harry.

"You've saved the wizarding world, Harry! That makes you almost as much of a badass as me. Almost."

"Aren't you meant to be dead?" Harry asked.

"The choir was kind enough to nurse me back to health after they beat me up."

"What was Voldemort's plan, anyway?" Wormtail asked. "As far as I could tell, he was doing... Whatever it was he was doing for teh evulz."

"I don't know either." Harry said. "Does it matter? Now for the celebration!"

"How about Caramelldansen?" Neville suggested. "I'm borrowing Ron's MP3 Player, I swear."

"You know what? It's been a long day." Harry said. "It'll do."

All the surviving characters, whether they were at Bogwash or not, started to do the Caramelldansen dance.

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However, there was one character who wasn't dancing.

"Those fools may have defeated Voldemort, but he was a childish fool. Next time, Harry Potter will face a real adversary. All I need is a disgruntled giraffe to work for me, then I can start to put my plan into motion!" Bidoof cackled to himself, before heading off to the zoo in order to tease the giraffes. Hopefully, one of them would be disgruntled enough once he was done harassing them to join his evil scheme…

To Be Continued?

Not Bloody Likely.

Endut! Hoch Hech!

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The Narrator stared in disbelief at his television. "What the hell was that?"