Disclaimer: Supernatural characters and storyline are property of Eric Kripke and associated publishers/licensers.
Standing outside the shady bar Sam squinted up at the night sky. The stars were shining, laughing gaily down at him. Mocking him more like, thought Sam. Sam's breath was fogging up in front of him, mingling with the dense cigarette smoke. Pulling another drag from his newly acquired Marlboro Sam savoured the feeling of release. Even though he'd only started smoking a month ago Sam couldn't imagine going a few hours without one, especially on the bad days. Today was a bad day for Sam. Alcohol was also a favoured option. Sam had never been a big drinker but since Dean had gone and come back from hell Sam found he was very good at it. Flicking the cigarette but away Sam watched its fiery descent into the bushes. The night air was chilling but Sam didn't mind. He loved the feeling of goose bumps breaking out on his skin and inhaling frost through his nose. Shoving to his feet Sam steeled himself to re-enter the bar. Today was a bad day and Sam needed something to take the edge off.
Settling back into his seat at the bar Sam waved over the bartender. His name was Tony and he smiled a lot, which suited Sam's mood perfectly. A pleasant personality was just what he needed right now. 'I think I'll have another please' requested Sam.
'Really? Alright then, man' smiled Tony, his enthusiasm like a ray of sunshine making everything happy. Tony poured another shot of tequila. It went down fast and smooth and Sam loved it.
'You keep up and I'm gonna have to make a run for more salt and lemons.' joked Tony.
'Well I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon' confirmed Sam.
With the tequila buzzing through his body Sam reflected on the past month. Not surprising to him his mind drew a blank. The more he tried to figure himself out the more frustrated he became. He felt like a child trying to figure out quantum physics, he just couldn't do it. He had never felt so helpless or inadequate in his whole life. The only thing he knew to do was to look after Dean as well as he could, or more appropriately as well as Dean would let him. Guilt radiated off Dean like a hot furnace, lacing every exchange they had with tension. The morning after Dean's confession had started in typical Dean Winchester style, like nothing had happened. They were up and out the door before Sam could think of a coherent sentence. After all they still had their job to do. Unspoken was the knowledge that Alistair was also something that they had to be face. Neither brother wanted to dwell too long on that thought. Sometimes, just when they woke up to a new day, Sam would almost believe everything would be ok. He'd think, 'Dean is going to be fine, he is going to accept that I understand and don't judge him, we are always going to be together.' He'd feel this rush of relief, and then, slowly, reaching up from the pit of his soul Sam would admit to himself he didn't want that. In the quiet of his mind where no one could spy Sam would look at his sleeping brother and feel an emotion so complex his mind struggled to comprehend. He didn't want Dean to change. Sam couldn't deny that Dean's confession had caused a rift between them, but it had also brought them closer together in some way. Sam could feel that if they just pushed a little more they would find it. He wasn't sure what that was or even if it was possible. It felt like a dream you couldn't quite remember or trying to find the source of déjà vu. Of course this never went anywhere. Real life had other plans and every day made Sam feel more wrong. He wished he knew how to fix it.
Sam took a breath to order another shot from Tony when a gust of cold December air interrupted him. Turning in his seat Sam's heart gave a jolt as he saw who entered the bar. Dean had found him.
Entering the sleazy, run down excuse for a bar Dean scanned the crowd. He immediately found his target. It was hard to miss something that tall and shaggy. Sighing Dean resigned himself to his task. For the past month Sam had been taking off in the evening and coming back to the motel in the late hours of the morning smelling of drink and smoke. Sam never said a word but Dean never missed the look he gave him before he closed his eyes to sleep. That look kept Dean awake more than any nightmare of hell had. Dean had hoped Sam would tire of it or snap out of. He had figured Sam would break and say something. Feared he'd say something. Dean had waited every night and when Sam stayed quiet he had felt relief mingled with mounting anxiety. It couldn't go on any longer. Sam was hurting himself more than he was hurting Dean and as much as Dean didn't want to face what was going on he could stand by and watch Sam drink himself away. He'd die again before that happened. He wasn't about to let what he had done bring Sam down too. If there was nothing else he could do he could look out for Sammy.
Sitting next to his brother Dean caught the eye of the smiling bartender.
'I'll have what he's having and another for him,' said Dean in a gruff underused voice, tilting his head to Sam who continued to stare at the bar.
'Sure thing dude' beamed Tony.
Soon two shot glasses were before them accompanied by lemons and a salt shaker. Dean felt his surprise flood through him. For someone who didn't drink much Sam sure knew where to start.
'Tequila? Not my first choice but always a good idea. Jesus Sammy, never knew ya had it in ya!' quipped Dean trying for easy and relaxed. One look at Sam and he knew he wasn't going to pull this off with any grace.
'Dude lick your hand and have a frickin' shot already.'
Dean licked his hand and sprinkled salt onto it. He shot a look at Sam to see if he was doing the same when his heart stopped. Dean's eyes travelled the path Sam's tongue left on his rough fisted hand. He couldn't look away and he didn't think he really wanted to. Suddenly the bar felt to hot and his plan didn't seem like such a good idea anymore. So what if Sam drink a bit. Dean felt they could all do with getting drunk a bit more often. Swallowing hard Dean tore his eyes away and knocked back his shot. Tequila laced his throat with fire that pooled in his stomach. The lemon was like an old friend caressing his mouth. Maybe Sam had it right. Tequila did make him happy.
'I came down here to talk or something girly like that but now I'm think your idea is better,' admitted Dean.
'Yeah. I don't think the world is gonna end if we have one night off from the approaching apocalypse or this whole One Tree Hill drama,' agreed Sam. His eyes were shining and his smile was a little too big.
'Dude your already buzzed! That's ok though, I love playing catch up,' winked Dean.
'Barkeep! Two more round! To not givin' a shit, eh Sammy,' smiled Dean.
Dean saw Sam's face light up and his body relax and he couldn't remember the last time he had made his baby brother smile like that. It made his heart sour and for once Dean thought maybe everything was going to be ok.
Ok so I know I was way overdue for an update but I think Dean and Sam's mood is starting to affect me:) I am just as confused and lost as they are and I guess we are going to find out where this is going together :) Thanks for reading! Love you!