Author's Notes: Oh dear lord. I promised myself I would start the new chapter of Taro today and this came out instead. It wouldn't fucking leave me alone until it was typed. I guess all those lovely reviews had something to do with it. Who the hell knows? But here it is. So I tried to shed some light on what's going on. We're complex creatures us humans and in my writing I try to made everything not so black and white even if we ourselves know better we still can't change the fact that some things are just shades of grey. Anyways, that's sort of cryptic but you know hey it's how I think. As always I appreciate reviews and lovely words. I do like to know what you are thinking. It helps me work on this more to shape it easier into a good story. At least I hope it's proving to be a good read. So in other words let me know what you think?

Chapter 4:

Livia sighed as she pulled on her long black wool coat and a cute knitted hat to walk outside. The night of the ball had been amazingly warm but winter had decided not to allow them any more of a reprieve. It had snowed last night leaving a nice pretty mess for the cars to try and get through and the sidewalks needing to be scraped to avoid someone falling. It had been a week since she'd seen Jocelyn and though she still hadn't told Alex everything she knew her blonde Mistress knew she'd seen her. There was no way she couldn't not when Mitsuru was in their living room last night yelling at her for daring to stay when she should've left with her.

She didn't fully understand and truthfully Livia didn't quite understand it either. She knew her attachment to Jocelyn was unhealthy, she'd seen enough doctors and therapists when she'd finally opened up and they'd all told her that it was Stockholm or some other mess causing her intense attachment but Livia didn't care. She knew no matter what happened she'd always feel some sort of feeling of need when it came to Jocelyn and there nothing that could be done to stop it. She didn't know if it was lack of closure to the situation, like one doctor suggested or if it was because she viewed Jocelyn as her savior, as another had suggested. All she did know was that even though she loved Alex deeper than she'd ever loved anyone she still loved Jocelyn and there was nothing that was going to change that.

She frowned as she lifted her keys from the bowl sitting on the table where she and Alex dropped their keys so they were easily found. Alex had left early that morning and had said she would be late coming home apparently her new promotion to Bureau Chief was forcing her to pick up all sorts of insane hours. Normally Livia would've been upset about the lack of time she got to spend with her lover but today she was sort of thankful for it. It gave her time to think everything through.

She'd decided since she had the day to herself that she was going to go to the bookstore, get a cup of coffee and spend the day in the easy chairs that were scattered around reading and drinking her warm drink. She wasn't a big fan of the black sludge as she sometimes referred to the stuff Alex drank. Mostly because she didn't drink it in the three years she'd been with Jocelyn. Jocelyn had told her she didn't like her drinking the stuff since it wasn't very healthy. At the time she'd just been grateful that Jocelyn thought enough of her to be concerned for her health but now it had still caused her to not want to drink any of it, which according to Elliot was the furthest thing from how she used to be. Apparently before her abduction she used to drink the stuff like it was the last drink on earth.

She wrinkled her nose cutely as she wrapped her scarf a bit tighter around her neck and stepped outside. Really what she wanted more than coffee was the delicious white hot chocolate the book store down the street made in their café. It was her absolute favorite especially since the barista liked her and would put extra whipped cream and a little bit of a caramel drizzle on it for her. She locked the door behind her and walked down to the elevator. By the time she made it to the lobby of their apartment building she waved sweetly at George, their doorman who waved back with a smile seeing as he was speaking to another tenant and watched Livia make her way outside and down the block.

"Hi Livia." Kristen greeted as soon as Livia stepped into the joint coffee shop/book store. Her long brown and blonde streaked hair was pinned back in high ponytail which bounced as she made her way to Livia's side. "How are you? You didn't freeze coming up here did you?"

"It's cold out but no I'm good. How are you doing?" Livia greeted her friend with a warm smile reaching up to pull her scarf off revealing the gold collar she always wore.

"I'm good. I still love that necklace, it's so pretty." Kristen murmured pointing at Livia's collar.

Livia was glad her collar looked the way it did. Most people thought it was just a beautiful choker and not what it actually was. It made it easier on her to always wear it which she did.

"I know." Livia looked down and then up at her friend's blue eyes, "Hey do you think you could give me one of my usual?"

"Of course I can. Go find yourself a seat and I'll bring it right out to you." Kristen promised bounding behind the counter to start Livia's white hot chocolate.

Livia turned folding her scarf before looking around at the mostly empty little shop. It was always like this at the beginning of the week. That's why she liked to come here during the beginning of the week so she didn't have to deal with so many people. She walked around the wall that cut off the counter and the back tables planning on finding a quiet little spot to people watch until she got her drink through the large glass windows when she caught sight of her. She paused gasping sitting at the table she always sat at was Jocelyn. The woman hadn't even looked towards her, eyes instead drawn out the window as she spoke quietly on the phone.

Livia took a breath taking a step back when Jocelyn turned to face her. Their eyes met and Jocelyn gave a small nod before turning her eyes back out the window seemingly willing to allow Livia to leave should she wish to without speaking a word to her. Livia stood there for a moment just staring at Jocelyn's profile before she made a decision. She stepped forward and moved to sit down across from her waiting patiently until her phone call had ended.

"Good morning Livia." Jocelyn greeted.

"Good morning. What are you doing here?" Livia couldn't help but ask curious as to why her favorite book store would suddenly host her former Mistress.

"I came to get a cup of coffee. I'm staying around here for a few months. I have business in the city so it's easier to stay here and take care of it then it is to go home. I go back to the manor on weekends but for now I'm staying here."

Livia nodded, "Where are you staying."

"The Veridian."

Livia frowned recognizing the name as one of the apartment buildings not even two blocks from hers. "Oh. That's supposed to be a very nice place. I didn't know you had an apartment here."

"I didn't but I bought one when I started to do a lot of business here. Made more sense than renting a hotel room for a month or two at a time."

Livia nodded understanding.

"So do you come here often?" Jocelyn asked with a polite smile looking at her former pet.
"Occasionally, I wanted to read today, I get tired of being cooped up for a long time." Livia shrugged.

Jocelyn smiled, "I remember. You always had a lot of energy."

Livia nodded looking down at the table, studying it's wood grain. "I still do."

Jocelyn nodded, "I don't think you'll ever lose that. How are you?"

Livia looked up wondering at the abrupt question but then shrugged one shoulder. "I'm well. Just a little tired today. I didn't sleep well last night."

"You do look a bit pale. I thought maybe it was just the harsh fluorescent lights."

"It probably is." Livia shrugged again and reached up twirling a piece of hair on her finger for a second before releasing it. They were saved by the awkwardness when Kristen came bouncing over with Livia's drink.

"Here you go." Livia smiled and took the cup and reached for her wallet which she'd tucked inside her jacket pocket.

When she glanced up Jocelyn had already handed the girl her card. "Here put with mine. Thank you."

"Sure no problem, I'll be right back with this." Kristen smiled at Livia and walked back to the counter.

"You didn't need to do that."

"I know. I didn't need to do anything. I wanted to." Jocelyn said waving her hand.

Livia nodded, "Thank you."

"You're welcome. I'd best be going. It was nice to see you Livia."

"You too." Livia watched Jocelyn get up and take her purse walking gracefully towards the register to get her card and then leaving the shop quietly.

"Who was that?" Kristen asked as she walked over to Livia.

"An…old friend." Livia answered hesitantly.

"She's gorgeous Livia. You sure you two weren't more than friends?" Kristen asked with a smile teasing her friend.

"No we were just friends." Livia answered looking down at her white hot chocolate.

"Do you know if she's seeing anyone?" Livia's head jerked up at the question.

"I don't know. I'm sorry."

"That's okay. I was just wondering." Kristen shrugged, "And another customer. Are you going to go read?"

"Actually I think I'm going to head home. I uh I don't feel so good."

"Do you want me to call you a cab?" Kristen asked concerned as she watched Livia stand and pull her scarf on.

"No I'm fine thank you. I just forgot I needed to do something today." Livia grabbed her cup and smiled. 'Thanks for the hot chocolate Kristen. I'll see you later okay?"

"Yes later." Kristen waved as she watched Livia walk out and then turned back to her customer losing herself to her work.

Livia made it back to the house before she broke out in tears. She'd seen the way Kristen was looking at Jocelyn before she'd even asked if Jocelyn was seeing anyone. She didn't know why it upset her so but it did. It hurt for some reason. Jocelyn wasn't hers and she wasn't Jocelyn's but that didn't mean she liked having someone asking her about the blonde.

She sank down to the floor in the middle of the foyer, tears flowing down her cheeks. Maybe she should call Alex? But she knew she couldn't disturb her lover, the woman was in court most of the day today though it was rare for her to go argue things out anymore the high profile SVU case that had been going on demanded that the Bureau Chief see to it that justice was done herself which left Alex with hardly any free time until the trial wrapped up.

She sighed and forced herself to her feet, she'd just have to work this one out on her own. She ran on auto-pilot, pulling her outer layers off hanging them up and then made her way back to the bedroom. She laid down carefully pulling Alex's pillow to her to hold inhaling the scent of jasmine and Alex that clung to the pillow. It did comfort her if only a little. She closed her eyes and forced herself to fall asleep praying her dreams wouldn't be as confusing as her jumbled thoughts.

Author's Notes: Okay so I promoted Alex to Liz's old position since Liz is a judge now. Also I hope this clears up a little bit of Livia's thoughts. She's still got a lot to sort out which hopefully I'll be able to do to make this all understandable and legible to all without getting myself killed in the process. As always I appreciate reviews. They make me feel good about this stuff.