Disclaimer: See last chapter.
~ "And even though no one is looking, she's falling apart." ~
For the first time in a long time, Rachel was happy to get out of bed that morning. It was as though a bolt of energy just soared through her and she ready to get up and go. She knew what she had to do to lose all the weight, she knew that this was just something she would have to do to please everyone. She knew that if she didn't, then she would always be the imperfect, fat, ugly one. She would always be the odd one. She would always be a disappointment.
She looked over at Kurt, only to see him already awake and dressed, "Morning." He grinned at her, waiting for her to get dressed. "Good morning." Rachel smiled wide and ran to the bathroom to get changed. She looked at herself in the mirror, examining the imperfections before getting ready.
They walked out the house, Rachel looking at Finn's bedroom before they left, smiling at the thought of him snoring away in there. She thought about little Beth, and how it wasn't fair that she had Rachel's mom all to herself. After all, she was Rachel's first.
"Okay?" Kurt waved a hand in front of her face when he noticed the girl had spaced out, she nodded slightly and started jogging beside him, keeping quiet as she thought about Beth and Shelby.
She held her side when they finally got back to the house, trying to catch her breath. "Come on, we should get ready for school." Kurt smiled at her and put a hand on her arm, walking inside with her slowly.
~ ..~
The next three weeks flew by, and before they knew it, it was time for Rachel to leave. "I don't want you to go." Kurt grabbed her arm and hugged her tight. "I know.. but it's just a weekend. I will phone you."
"You better do!"
"Of course, I'd never forget about you and just think... when I get back, only a few more days until prom!" She smiled and kissed Kurt on the cheek,
"It's going to be amazing, when you get back, we should weigh together." Rachel nodded in agreement and squeezed his hand before giving him one last hug before jumping into the cab her mother had supplied for her, waving to Kurt out of the window. She thought about how perfect the past few weeks had been, but how quickly they had passed. She bit down on her lip, wondering if she had lost much weight since she last spent time with Shelby.
She looked up at the airport when she got there, gulping at the thought of letting her down. But when if she had lost some, he'd be proud then, right?
Soon enough she was there, Shelby was already in New York for some work, so Rachel had to fly out there to join her. Her mother's arm's wrapped around her when she got off the plane, and into the terminal. "Wow, you lost some weight? You look great, Rachel." She offered her mother a weak smile, thanking her before she looked around, "Beth is here somewhere."
"Oh.." Was all Rachel could get out, looking down at the floor, wondering why she couldn't just come alone. Was it too much to ask? She looked up when she saw a man carrying the small girl. She offered them both a small smile, going through the introductions with her mother's new boyfriend that she had been clueless about. She wanted to go home already, she was already left out of this family. She wanted her dads.
"Now come on, I'm treating my girls to a nice meal." He grinned at the three, not noticing the distress on Rachel's face. "I um.. I'm not wearing anything suitable." She looked down at her clothes, frowning.
"It doesn't matter, it'll just be a nice family meal." Shelby smiled, rubbing the girls arm as they walked out of the airport.
~ .. ~
She barely contributed to the conversation at the table, trying to ignore the two adults fussing over the toddler as she stared down at her salad, yet to touch any of it. "Are you going to eat that?" Shelby asked, watching as Rachel shrugged and wrinkled her nose,
"I ate loads on the plane."
"Are you sure?" The woman raised her eyebrows at her daughter, looking from Rachel to the small salad she had ordered,
"Yes I'm sure. I'm sixteen, not four years old. I know when I'm full up and when I'm not." She snapped, "Can you take this please?" She asked the waiter, ignoring the look from everyone at the table and the waiter as he took it away. She watched her mother's boyfriend – Frank – make eye contact with Shelby who shook her head, biting down on her lip.
Rachel sighed, "I'm sorry. I'm just so tired." She fake yawned to prove a point, glad when everyone cheered up once more. She sighed when they all started to talk, watching them all eat without caring. She counted every single calorie they put in their mouths, they were consuming hundreds of unneeded calories, and they never cared.
She bit down on her lip, looking down at her legs as she fought the urge to grab a breadstick or something right then. She just wanted to talk to Kurt so they could laugh at her family. "Are we all ready to go?" Frank finally asked, causing Rachel to quickly stand up. "Can I use your phone at the house?" Shelby nodded, "You want to phone your dads?"
She shook her head, "No, my best friend and Finn, just to let them know I'm okay. Dad and daddy are on a business trip." She smiled and started to walk ahead of them, her eyes focusing ahead as she avoided all thoughts about food and eating as much as she could get her hands on.
Keep your back straight, walk quick, small steps; it'll all burn more calories.
Remember everything you have learned from Kurt and all those sites.
You need to be thin, Rachel.
You have to be perfect, Rachel.
Otherwise, they will never love you. No one will ever love you.
They will never accept you.
~ .. ~
"I missed you!" Kurt screamed, looking at the girl before hugging her tightly. She had stayed in New York for the week instead of the weekend, as her dads had to stay away longer. "You've lost weight."
Rachel just nodded, smiling, "I managed to stick to the diet when I was there. How are you? You've lost some, too."
"Only a little though, I weighed this morning – four pounds down."
"Wow, that's really good, Kurt." She smiled at him, her arm in his as they walked through the corridors in school.
"What about you?" She looked down at the floor, seemingly missing the question,
"What?" She finally asked, sounding distant as she carried on walking,
"How much weight have you lost?" Kurt looked at the girl, waiting for an answer,
"Oh, since I left? Six pounds." She smiled slightly at his praise, sitting down in the choir room before looking up at him, sighing softly. He sat next to her, putting a hand on her lower back, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing.. just.. I don't know.. I don't feel too good. I'm just.. so tired, and sick all the time and I don't know. I'll be alright, it's just been a long week." Kurt nodded and put his arm around her shoulders,
"How was little miss perfect?" He decided to change the subject a little, holding her close to him as she laughed sadly, "Just that.. perfect." She heaved a deep sigh and closed her eyes, "Shelby loves her more than she ever could love me. She does everything right... Beth is her entire world and I'm just the daughter she had sixteen years ago." She looked down at the floor, her cheeks turning a light shade of pink as she spoke. Kurt bit down on his lower lip for a while, he had no idea how vulnerable Rachel really was, she was so strong usually, so happy. Rachel would always try to make others smile, she made him laugh so much. He finally shook his head, taking his best friend's hand in his, squeezing it gently.
"It will be okay in the end, everything will work out for you and your mom. She does love you Rachel, I wish you could see that." Rachel sighed and stood up, leaving Kurt there to wonder how to cheer the girl up. Nothing would work though, he knew that much, but there had to be a way to make her see that Shelby loved her. He bit down on his lip, not knowing what to do, deciding to let it go for now when Rachel smiled at him.
"Look what I have." He finally spoke up, digging through his bag until he found the two bags, handing one to Rachel who just looked at the bag, "What's this?"
"Food, silly." Kurt rolled his eyes and patted Rachel on the head, laughing. Rachel just nodded and stared at the food, obviously confused.
"I found it on a website, people have lots loads of weight by just eating two plain crackers and a carrot for lunch." Rachel just nodded, placing the bag in her own, shrugging slightly.
Kurt frowned, he thought she would have been happy, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing I just..." She sighed, taking a deep breath, "I um.. I just don't like carrots." Kurt was relieved, he thought he had lost Rachel then, that she would go tell on him and tell Blaine why he had been losing so much weight. He was scared for a second.
"I don't like crackers but anything to be a star."
"Anything to be perfect." Rachel whispered, looking up when the Glee kids came walking into the choir room for rehearsal. They both smiled at each other, staying silent for the rest of the meeting.
Kurt bit down on his lower lip as he thought about prom next week, he wondered how much weight he could lose until then. He wanted to look perfect next to Blaine, he wanted people to think he looked amazing. He sighed, trying to concentrate on what people were saying around him but all he could think about was weight, calories and that damn prom.
Kurt had to ignore the looks from his fellow Gleeks as he sat down to eat his lunch, without going to get the food like he usually did. He pulled out the bag and looked at it. "Helloooooo!" Rachel ran up behind him and sat next to him, a large grin on her face.
"Someone is happy." Kurt laughed and nudged her playfully,
"Finn and I just spent some time together." He smiled at nodded, happy for the girl and his step-brother. He watched her take out the bag that Kurt had brought for her earlier, not realizing everyone else sitting down and staring at the two as they ate their meals. Kurt watched his friends eat and then looked at Rachel who was avoiding any eye contact with anyone, neatly setting out everything in front of her as she nibbled on the carrot.
"Is that all you two are eating?" Mercedes finally asked, looking at the two diva's. Kurt smiled and nodded, "Yeah well.. prom next week. Then nationals!" He noticed Rachel hadn't even looked up from her food, as he spoke to their friends.
"But neither of you have any weight to lose.." Puck said quietly, frowning, causing Rachel to look up at them as she shook her head,
"It's our bodies." She glared at him, looking back down when he completely ignored the comment. Kurt smiled, grabbing his food and water, glad when Rachel did the same – only on the way out of there, Rachel chucked her food in the bin, something that didn't go unnoticed by the Glee kids and Finn.
Kurt took a deep breath and looked behind him for a moment, unaware that Rachel had just chucked away the lunch he had prepared for them. "Did you see what they were all eating?" Rachel giggled,
"At least eight hundred calories in that one meal. I dread to think how many they have in a day." Kurt laughed loudly, walking into the choir room.
"You know something?" Rachel suddenly said,
"What?"
"I don't even feel hungry anymore, it's like... all the pain I was feeling from the hunger before has just gone. It feels amazing." She grinned at the boy and sat down in her usual seat, looking through her Glee notes.
"Yeah.." Kurt murmured, not wanting to admit that his hunger had never gone away, he didn't want her to know that the reason she was losing weight quicker than him was because he couldn't help himself at night. He would eat and eat and then throw it all back up, but Rachel was different, she could go a whole day without touching anything. It was just a thing he resented about her, how she could go for days without food and he just... he couldn't.
"That's the bell. I'll meet you in class?" Rachel grabbed her bag and ran out of the door, quickly going to meet Finn before class started. Kurt stayed behind for a while before running to the bathroom, 'Rachel may be able to hardly eat but at least I can do this when I do eat something.' He thought to himself, smiling when he was done and then walking out with his head held high, it always made him feel good.
He grinned at Rachel when he saw her walking into the classroom but the girl just glared and shook her head at him, "Really? Here?" She whispered harshly,
"How would you know?" He stared down at his desk, biting his lip,
"You always have that... that look on your face." Rachel sighed, slamming her books down on her own desk before sitting down, "Be very careful, Kurt, you don't want to get caught and I don't even know why you chose to purge that. You said yourself there were hardly any calories, unless you lied to me..." Kurt looked around, glad nobody else had arrived yet as he shook his head, noticing how upset Rachel was at him.
"Are you angry with me?" He asked, not really wanting to know the answer,
"No, I'm confused."
"I don't know why, you hardly touched yours. We both have different ways of dealing with the same thing. We'll just have to accept that, okay?" Rachel nodded, tears glazing her eyes as she looked down at her feet. "Are you going for a swim tonight?" She whispered when people walked in, after a few moments of awkward silence between the two best friends.
Kurt nodded, knowing Finn and Blaine would be there, but it was still a chance to burn calories. He grinned when Rachel finally smiled, both of them knowing they had a real friend and they would just have to deal with the jealousy that the other could do something they couldn't. Their friendship would survive it all, it would be okay.
~ .. ~
"Ready?" Rachel ran into Kurt's bedroom and sighed as Kurt laughed,
"I don't know why you're so nervous."
"Bikini... stomach... fat... gross." She took deep breaths, looking in the mirror as she wrinkled her nose in disgust. Kurt shook his head, coming up behind her. "I can see your ribs." He pointed out, smiling at the girl.
"Really?" Rachel looked back in the mirror, grabbing at the flesh on her stomach, "I just want to chop it all off." Kurt laughed, going to the mirror to do the same.
"Finn's going to see how fat I am..." Rachel whispered, tears falling down her face as she carried on looking in the mirror. Kurt frowned and shook his head when Rachel looked away from the mirror quickly, not even able to look at herself for much longer.
"Do you want to weigh now or after?"
"May as well get it done with." They both nodded, walking to the bathroom together. "You go first." Rachel looked at her friend, and then back down at the scales as Kurt stood on them slowly.
"One hundred and twenty six!" Kurt squealed, jumping up and down once he stepped off the scales,
"That's amazing.. ten pounds in one month." Rachel smiled, an obvious hint of jealousy in her voice – something Kurt found best to ignore. Rachel bit down on her lip when she stepped on the scales, "One hundred and thirty two when we started." She whispered, mostly to herself, closing her eyes. Kurt looked down at the scales, scowling before putting on a smile for Rachel when she finally opened her eyes.
"One hundred and eighteen pounds." She muttered, "A stone?" She looked at Kurt who nodded and wrapped his arms tight around her. He expected her to be as happy as he was but instead she put on her shoes and walked out of the bathroom.
"We should get going, we're supposed to be there soon." Kurt grabbed a jacket before walking out the door,
"Why are you taking that?" Rachel called out from behind him, "It's going to be late when we get back, Rach, it'll be cold."
"Oh.. sorry.. I'm so stupid." She frowned, looking around the room for her own jacket. He shook his head at her and walked downstairs next to each other. "Carole? Dad?" He shouted at the bottom of the stairs, as Rachel kept walking to the door, waiting for him.
"We're going swimming for a while, dad, but can Rachel sleep over tonight?" Burt nodded and looked over at the girl,
"Kurt, she's getting awfully skinny lately, is she eating okay?" He nodded, trying to hold back his anger.. how could he notice that Rachel has lost weight but not his own son?
"She's fine, we eat together at lunch, we spend most of our time together... I'd notice that." His dad nodded and patted Kurt's back, "You've lost some, too, are you okay?"
"Yes, we're both fine. No junk food in preparation for NYADA."
"Okay," Burt laughed, "Want anything to eat when you get back?" Rachel had slowly crept up a little closer to them, clearly getting impatient,
"We're having dinner with Finn and Blaine, Mr Hummel." She smiled as best as she could as the man nodded, bidding them both goodbye before they walked out of the house.
Kurt linked arms with Rachel, smiling wide, "He thinks I've lost weight." Rachel nodded and raised an eyebrow, "Probably because you have." She murmured sarcastically, rolling her eyes.
"Yeah.. but someone actually noticed." Kurt sighed, repeating it in his head over and over again. Someone had noticed.