Disclaimer: See last chapter.
"It's sad when the people you know become the people you knew."
Kurt ran towards the small room the nurses had pointed him towards, stopping to look through the window at the small girl laying on the bed. She was his best friend but he didn't recognise her. He looked at the three people in the girls room; Finn, and her two dad's. They were talking to each other, none of them knowing for sure what was going on with the girl they loved more than anything. But Kurt, he knew everything, and he couldn't say anything because Rachel would hate him.
He slowly opens the door, looking at Finn, "I'm going to get some of her stuff." Leroy whispered, taking his husbands hand and walking out with him. Finn grabbed Rachel's now free hand and sniffed. Kurt noticed how fragile his best friend looked in the hospital bed, a tube running from her arm as he walked closer to her.
"W-What's this for?" He whispered, touching it lightly,
"She needs to get some nutrients back into her body." He looked down and gently brushed some hair from her face, giving the sleeping girl a weak smile. Kurt could tell how much his step-brother loved her, but he knew that their relationship couldn't take much more of this – even Rachel knew that; she had mentioned it to Kurt so many times.
"I should have known." Finn muttered, ignoring the confusion on Kurt's face as the boy shook his head, "Don't you think I noticed the weight loss?"
"She was on a diet before prom but then.. she told me it stopped." He lied, he knew that Rachel would never want Finn to know the truth. He had to protect her, she was his best friend.
"Why is she here, then? Why is the laying in a hospital bed?"
"She must have forgotten to drink before we did the dance.." Kurt stared down at the floor, feeling guilty at the massive lie that just seemed to keep pouring from his mouth.
"Would you tell me if something was wrong?"
"You know she's always over ours, if not for me, then for you. I would notice." Finn nodded slightly, looking back down at Rachel, kissing her gently on the cheek.
"I have to go do some things, I will be back soon." Kurt nodded, glad to have Rachel to himself for a little while. Even when she was asleep, he could talk to her, just so the girl knew someone was still here. He watched the boy go before sitting down and taking her hand,
"I wasn't sure if you wanted him or anyone else to know. I didn't know what else to say to him, I didn't know what to do." He looks at her, almost waiting for her to say something back.
Kurt jumps when the door opens, and he sees his dad and Carole step through the door; "What happened?" She whispers at him, looking at the girl she had grown so attached to through her being Finn's girlfriend and Kurt's best friend.
"Dehydration." He bites his lip, looking at her for a moment,
"She's going to be okay, though, right?" She offers him a weak smile, as Kurt nods and looks back down at Rachel, wondering what was going through her mind when she had put everything she could into that vigorous dance rehearsal. He lets another tear fall down his face, and onto the bed,
"I told her to slow down, I tried to tell her to take it easy.." He whispers, feeling his dad's hand on his shoulder after a second, "It's not your fault, you didn't know this would happen." Kurt nods slightly, knowing he did know, he did predict this would happen.
He watches them walk out after they ask if he wants them to wait for him, shaking his head. He looks back at Rachel, "Why, diva?" He whispers, more tears falling down his face before looking away from her. He stood up quickly, walking to the other side of the room,
"I should have known this would happen, I should have stopped you." He moves to pace back and forth, continuing his ramble of self-blame.
"Kurt?" He jumps when he hears a groan coming from the other side of the room, not taking a moment to run over to her and wrap his arms around the tiny girl, crying, "I was so worried."
She shakes her head, pulling away, "I'm fine."
"You're in hospital.." He stared at her, shocked that she was still so adamant in being okay, that she wasn't sick.
She rolled her eyes, "I took it to far, sorry." The spite in her voice caused the fellow diva to take a small step back, wondering if she blamed him.
"Whatever, I tried to stop you but you can never listen, can you? You always think you know what's right, and what is best, you always want to be better than me!" He sighs, turning away from her, so annoyed, hating himself for letting her get to him. He quickly turns around when he hears a sob, "Rach... I'm so sorry."
"What are you sorry for?" Quinn looks from the doorway, some of the Glee club not too far behind her as they slowly walk into the room, over to Rachel's bed,
"He was just angry.." Rachel whispers weakly, turning red as she tried to wipe the tears from her eyes,
"Why are you crying?" Puck frowns and takes a seat next to her bed, his frown deepening as she shrugged, "Tired." Kurt looked at her before looking at the floor. He thought about how he didn't fit in with her real friends, Rachel had starved herself and he was the only one who knew.
"What's in the tube?" Puck looked at, and then at Rachel,
"Water, sugar.." Quinn knew from experience, people could tell, as she just stared at the girl, noticing how much paler she seemed to get, "S-sugar?" Kurt knew what she was thinking, and he shook his head, knowing that Rachel couldn't afford to get caught, not now.
Puck raises an eyebrow, stepping forward as Rachel took deep breaths, trying to calm herself down, "I want it out.. it hurts, please." The girl whimpers, a tear running down her face before she could stop them.
Puck rolled his eyes, sitting back, "There's not that many calories in sugar.. right.." He frowned and softened a little, taking her hand, "We love you so much, all of us do, even Santana... you don't have to worry about stuff like that." She shook her head in denial, "It hurts.."
"I'm sure it doesn't, stop making excuses." Mercedes speaks up for the first time she entered the room, Kurt could tell they all had a feeling about what was going on, but none of them knew for sure.
"I need it out of me.. I need it out right now. Help me please, help me take it out. I can't stand it in me." Kurt's eyes widened, looking from her to all his friends, not knowing what to say or do right then. "I'm so tired.." Rachel finally said, breaking the stunned silence, leaning back and closing her eyes. They all nodded, knowing she was asking them all to leave in her own way.
"I'll be back tomorrow." Kurt took Mercedes' hand and walked out with all of them, bumping into Finn, "She wants to be on her own, dude." Puck put a hand on the boys shoulder who just pushed him away,
"I need to say goodnight."
~ .. ~
"How is she?" Burt asks when Kurt walks into the house; he was worried, about Rachel, about Finn and about his son.
"She's going to be fine." He nodded and frowned a little,
"Look, son, I don't know what is going on between the two of you, but you both need to stop." He placed a plate of food in front of Kurt and sighed, "One of you has ended up in the hospital, it's time to stop."
"Nothing is going on... Rachel explained everything to the Doctor right in front of me." He remembered when the Doctor had walked in not too long after her dads left, thinking about how good she had gotten at lying when he asked about her eating patterns. The lies just poured out and if he didn't know, he would have fallen for them.
"She told them that she went for a run this morning with me because we're both trying to get healthy before we go to New York and start our oh-so-amazing careers on Broadway. She didn't take a drink then, she just forgot too for the first time and then the dance was just too much for her body without any water." He shrugged and looked down at the food in front of him, "It was just an accident."
He nodded, seemingly believing him, "Eat."
"She's going to be okay, she's coming over tomorrow so we can exercise." He noticed the pure shock on the older man's face as he sat down across from his son,
"You're going to let her?"
"Well... she asked to and I said only if she is up to it." He looked down at his food again, slowly eating. He looked back up at his dad, knowing the man had no idea what his son did everytime after he ate, he thought he was fine.
"Done!" I grinned at him, grabbing a banana from the side before kissing him on the cheek and running upstairs. He smiled to himself as he got to his room, loving the control of nobody knowing what he was doing.
He closed and locked the bathroom door and looked around, quickly guzzling down some water before running to the toilet. He ran the shower, before doing the usual, trying to make out like he was just washing.
When he was done, he looked at himself in the mirror, grimacing at his reflection. He had puffy, red cheeks and eyes, his face completely pale. He shrugged though, "At least I'll be thin." He whispers to himself, washing his face before walking out of the bathroom.
~ .. ~
Kurt grinned when he opened the door, jumping on Rachel, "You got out!" She laughed and nodded, smiling wide when he grabbed her hand and pulled her into the house. "Do you feel okay?"
"I feel great." She waved at his parents and smiled shyly, embarrassed because she knew they knew what happened last night. "Do you two want anything to eat?" Carole called before they could go upstairs,
"I just ate at the hospital, maybe later, thank you." She smiled politely,
"Oh, really.. what did you have?" Burt raised an eyebrow, looking at the girl, who didn't miss a beat,
"OJ, toast and an apple." The man smiled and then met his wife's eyes as Rachel looked over at Kurt, who just shrugged slightly before running off upstairs with Rachel.
"So, how are you really feeling?" Kurt walked to his room, towards the small gym he had set up after saving up as much money as he could. Rachel shrugged, blushing slightly, "Stupid?"
Kurt smiled, and jumped on the bike, "Do you really think I want to be better than you?" Rachel bit her lip and looked at her best friend when he shook his head,
"No.. I never meant it.. I just.. I'm a little jealous, I guess.. I wish I could fast and I just can't."
"It's really not that fun you know, sometimes I want to be able to eat without the guilt, but I feel so disgusting when I do. I want it to be how it always used to, but it won't happen." She sighed, taking a sip of the water she held in her hand,
"Are you saying I have it easy?" Kurt glared at her, pedalling faster on the bike,
"No.. I didn't... I know you don't..."
"Relax, I was just messing." Rachel smiled a little, looking down at the treadmill before jumping on it, running as fast as she could. "Didn't you learn from yesterday?" Kurt shouted over the noise, rolling his eyes.
She held up the bottle of water, "I didn't have this yesterday." She said, as she grinned, "Water is pure... just like us." She laughed, and looked at him,
"You are what you eat.."
"... so I will eat nothing." Rachel finished off for him, both of them smiling wide.
"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." Kurt stared at the calories going up on the machine, smiling to himself,
"Hunger hurts but starving works." He felt his heart skip a beat at that, he was so jealous, he hated being jealous of something so... destructive.
"Everytime you say no to food, you say yes to thin!" He said happily, grinning at her,
"Um.. it's not deprivation, it's liberation." He nodded in approval, watching her, "An imperfect body, reflects an imperfect person." He noticed the way she flinched at that one, one of her hands finding their way to her stomach as she carried on running.
"Happy or sad, rich or poor.. it's always better to be thin." She whispered, closing her eyes tight,
"Act as though it is impossible to fail."
"Bones are beautiful, so let them show.."
"The difference between wand and need is self control." Rachel smiled and stopped the machine after a while, taking a gulp of the water, stepping off the machine slowly.
"It's going to be okay, isn't it, Rachel?" Rachel looked at him and smiled as best as she could, nodding slightly, "I hope so."
~ .. ~
They walked into his bathroom when they were done, laughing with each other, before they got to the scales. Kurt looked at the girl, wondering how light she would be this time, how much more thinner she would be than him now, "One hundred and eight." The girl whispered, shaking her head,
"Wow.. that's... wow." The girl just shrugged and watched him get on the scales, hitting one hundred and fourteen. He stepped off, watching his friend look in the mirror, lifting up her top. He could see the tears falling from her eyes as she pinched her stomach. She pulled it down and looked at Kurt, "We can do this together." She smiled a little before grabbing her bag,
"I have to go.. I promised my dads that I would be home before they get back from work." Kurt nodded and grabbed his jacket, "I'll walk you home! I just need to get changed out of this top." Rachel nodded and watched him go to the bathroom before lifting up her top, caught up in her own thoughts when she heard him behind her, "I can see all your ribs.." She jumped and shook her head,
"I can't.." She mutters, looking sadly in the mirror, yanking her top down harshly, "Maybe I will one day." She shrugged, walking out the room with Kurt.
~ .. ~
Rachel walked around the block on her own, needing to have some space away from her fussing parents. She thought about how different her life was now since the diet had begun. It wasn't fair, it was only a diet. She found herself wishing she had never found out about Kurt, wishing she never asked him to show her how. She sighed and looked at the ground, knowing nothing is normal anymore.
She arrived home, smiling at her dad as he watered his flowers outside their beautiful home, "Your dinner is inside." Rachel nodded, murmuring a thank you before he wrapped his arms around her, "I just want you to be okay, you are, aren't you?"
"Of course I am." She walked inside and looked at the food he had left for her; fries and a huge vegetarian burger." She picked up the plate, not being able to stop herself as she walked outside, "You know what a diet is, don't you?" She shook her head and pointed at the food on the plate, "It does not include this. I don't want this crap anymore. I'm on a diet, I need to lose weight. Why can't you just understand that?"
She dropped the plate on the floor, running back into the house as quick as she could, slamming her bedroom door behind her. Rachel jumped on her bed, crying with all that she had, sobbing into her cushion. She hated it all, she hated everything. Nobody could ever understand, not even Kurt.
The next day, she got up out of bed and looked in the mirror; just her usual routine. She quickly got dressed and then took one last look in the mirror before leaving her room. "Are you going to eat breakfast?" She stopped walking when she heard her daddy behind her,
"I'm going to be late." She muttered, turning around slowly,
"I don't care. Sit down and eat something. NOW!" She jumped, looking at both her dad's, noticing her daddy was red in the face, looking as though neither of them had slept all night. Rachel sat down and stared at the toast,
"Did you have to put so much butter on here?" She sighed, scraping it off but he snatched the knife off her, shaking his head,
"Eat it now."
Rachel looked up, her eyes wide, "You want me to be fat, don't you?" They both sighed, shaking their heads, making eye contact with each other before sitting down,
"We just want you to eat.. please, Rachel." She bit down on her lip, the guilt taking over as she picked up a piece of toast,
"S-so many calories... don't.. don't make me." She felt a tear fall down her face, looking at them both, hoping they would stop this but instead, she was met with stern, shaking heads. "Just one bite." She bit into it and pretended to chew, smiling at both of them as they both smiled back, she stood up. She murmured a bye and ran out of the house, spitting out the toast when she got outside, wiping her mouth.
She walked all the way to the school, meeting Finn at the gates, "Hey, how are you feeling?" She wrapped her arms around him, grinning, tip-toeing up to kiss him on the lips.
She smiled as they walked along, loving the looks she got from others, especially the cheerleaders. They all wanted her boyfriend, but she got him. Her smile only brightened when he moved his hand from her waist, to put his in her hand.
She kissed him goodbye when they had to go their separate ways, avoiding the looks from everyone else as she walked to her own classroom. Finn had let her know what they were saying about her – some said she was pregnant, others said she was on drugs. So many rumours but her being anorexic was not one of them; obviously, she thought, she wasn't thin enough.
By lunchtime, she didn't care what people thought, nobody suspected her so she sat with her friends, not touching any food. She ignored their looks, missing her boyfriend who was at football practise. She smiled at Kurt who just sat there, staring into thin air throughout any conversation.
The only time Rachel moved was when Mercedes and Tina sat across from her with their meals, causing Rachel to stand up – after all, it burned more calories. She just stared, her hand around her wrist, trying to determine if she had lost any wait.
Finally, Mercedes had enough, "What?"
"Nothing.. I... do you have any idea how many calories you just had?" She ignored the look of shock on Kurt's face; the first sign of life he had shown throughout the day, as he turned to look at her. Mercedes just shook her head and rolled her eyes,
"At least one thousand." Rachel muttered, her confidence slowly going as she watched the look on her friends faces.
"I don't really care, to be honest." She watched Mercedes stand up and stare right back at the smaller girl, "I was just saying." She whispered weakly, gulping slightly. She didn't want the other girl to win, she didn't care if nobody else cared about calories, fat or their diet.. they should. Everyone should care.
"Not all of us are so self-obsessed." Mercedes said as she walked towards Rachel, both of them ignoring the cafeteria going silent,
"It's got nothing to do with being self-obsessed, I was just pointing out.." Mercedes shook her head, interrupting, "NO! No, everyone knows the reason you collapsed was because you never eat. Nothing to do being dehydration. You collapsed because you're vain." Santana nodded, coming up next to Mercedes, seemingly from nowhere,
"None of us can be bothered with this anymore. You're so full of yourself, it was annoying before and it's even more annoying now. You're a selfish bitch, all you think about is yourself." Rachel just shook her head, "I just.. care.."
She was interrupted again, this time by Quinn, "I care, too.. just not like you two." She pointed towards Kurt who just sat up,
"Don't bring me into this." He muttered, but the three girls just shook their heads,
"You're both stupid and selfish. We all tried to get past this, we tried to pretend like nothing was going on but at the end of the day, you're both so involved with each other, you don't even see what is going on around you. I don't obsess like you two, I'm normal. You two.. you're not." Rachel shook her head and slapped Santana as hard as she could, who retaliated with a slap even harder quickly.
Kurt quickly got up, going between the two girls, "Come on, Rachel." He grabbed her bag and her arm, as Rachel looked down at the floor, going past her friends.
"Off you two go then, go vomit or whatever it is you do." She heard behind them, tears forming in her eyes, as Kurt dragged her into the bathroom. Both of them looked around, realizing they were alone. Rachel looked in the mirror, at the slap mark forming on her face. "She deserved that." She said mostly to herself.
Kurt shook his head, "I know but you never should have said anything in the first place."
"I don't know why I did.. I just.. it came out. I wasn't thinking." She shook her head, and then turned back to the mirror, wiping her eyes.
"I hate her."
"No you don't." Rachel shrugged, knowing she didn't really but she wanted to, she wanted to hate everyone.
"It's hard, we have to lose friends sometimes, it had to happen." Rachel nodded, turning to look at him,
"I never thought it would be this hard. I didn't know this would happen, I didn't mean to say anything." She knew she couldn't hold back the tears anymore, she couldn't do this anymore. She let them fall, telling herself it would be the last time she let herself cry in front of anyone.
Kurt walked to her, wrapping his arms tight around her, letting her cry on his shoulder, "I want to die, Kurt." She whispered, "I can't take it anymore, I can't lose anyone else. Everyone hates me, even my dads."
Kurt rubbed her back, kissing her head, "I don't hate you."
"I can't control it anymore. I want to be in control but I'm not anymore, I have nothing."
Kurt frowned, "You have me.." Rachel just nodded before pulling away, thanking him before wiping her eyes. She was going to be thin, telling herself she wasn't good enough yet, but she would be one day. Sighing, she looked at Kurt and tried to smile. "We need to get to Spanish."
"At least we're together this lesson." Kurt said, crossing his arm with hers, they both grinned at each other walking to class slowly. Rachel bit her lip when Mr Shue asked them what was wrong, "I uh.. I didn't feel well, I asked Kurt to come with me. I'm sorry." He nodded and pointed towards two seats, leaving them to walk past Mercedes and Santana, who shook their heads as she walked past.
She knew this was coming, she knew she would lose people. But she couldn't stop, she was in too deep and she was drowning, and she couldn't even call for help.