Disclaimer: See last chapter.

~ "I opened my eyes to see that I was all alone..." ~

"Dad... do you have any idea how many calories are in this one box of cereal?" Rachel looked up at her dad as he sighed, "No Rachel, and I don't care. Eat it."

"Yeah.. but... still." She muttered, pouring a bit of it into her bowl, there was too much fat and calories to have a full bowl, even half a bowl would be too much. "Put more in your bowl."

She looked up and bit her lip, "I don't need more than that though.."

"I think you do."

"You're not me, so what would you know?" Leroy just stared at his daughter until she sighed, giving in and pouring the cereal into her bowl, being too careful with her vegan-friendly milk that he had made sure he had plenty of beforehand so she wouldn't use it as an excuse.

"Done." She finally said, putting down her spoon when all the cereal was gone, her father looking into the bowl and frowning, "Don't you want the milk?" He looked at the leftover milk in the bowl,

"Don't like it."

"You don't like anything." He muttered as he looked down at his toast,

"I ate it didn't I?" He nodded and watched his daughter stand up to make her way to her bedroom, "I'm going to get changed." She smiled at him, running to grab everything before going into the bathroom. She locked the door and looked around, turning on the shower. She took one last look in the mirror before bending down and doing what Kurt had taught her so long ago.

When she was sure she had gotten rid of everything, she wiped her mouth and hands as she looked in the mirror. She knew how terrible she looked, she was perfectly aware of that, but at least she was losing weight. She sighed, brushing her teeth and grabbing the hairbrush, not looking away from her reflection as she brushed her long, straight hair. She gasped at the sight of the huge clump of hair that had fallen out, tears falling down her face as she stared at it. But she shook her head, it wad never supposed to be like this. She couldn't even remember being 'normal' anymore.

She wondered if Kurt's hair fell out too, or if it was just hers. It hadn't been the first time it happened, she thought about asking Kurt what he thought about it – he always seemed to know so much more than she did about this kind of stuff. Shaking her head at her reflection, she quickly got dressed and walked out of the bathroom, "I'm going to school now, dad."

"Okay then, oh.. and your mom just phoned – she wants to know if you want to spend a month with her in New York during term break." Rachel thought about it for a moment, thinking about how good it would be to show her mother her new weight loss, her new found control and how perfect she was turning out to be. She nodded quickly and smiled,

"I will phone her back later." She shouted at her dad before she ran out of the house, grinning as she walked to school. Her mom would be so proud of her.

"Hey!" Rachel ran up to Kurt as they walked to the choir room, beaming as they wrapped their arms around each other. "I told Blaine." Kurt whispered, as he dragged her into the empty choir room,

"Told him what?"

"About what I do..." Rachel stared at her best friend, feeling shocked and betrayed... it was always supposed to be their secret. "What did he say?" Kurt shrugged and looked away,

"He said I didn't have to do that, he loves me the way I am and you know.. the usual." Rachel nodded, sighing quickly as she caught her reflection in the window before taking her seat. "Why did you tell him?"

"It all just came out, he asked why I was upset and I just had to tell someone else.. you understand that, don't you?"

"Yeah, I guess.. I just... I thought it was our secret." Rachel shook her head and turned away from the window, not even able to look at her reflection anymore.

"It is, I didn't tell him everything. I told him I was in control and I would stop. It's going to be okay, it's still our little secret." Rachel just nodded, thinking about how she would tell someone, but then she never wanted help. People would want to tell others and then everything would be ruined. She sighed when she realized she was all alone in this, even if Kurt did know.

It had been three weeks since Santana and Rachel had argued, and they still hadn't spoken at all. Rachel groaned when she looked at her when they got to class, shaking her head and putting her head back in her hands as she stared down at her book, trying not to look up again during the entire class. She didn't want to argue, but she didn't want a friend. She was fine on her own as long as she had Finn.

"Rachel?" The teacher called out to the girl, Rachel didn't want any attention, she didn't want to answer her stupid questions. "Will you please come and write the sum on the board?" Rachel nodded and looked down at the floor as she walked up , she could hear the whispers as her hand shook, writing the answer slowly,

'Look at her – skin and bone.'

'What a mess.'

'What does Finn even see in her?'

She tried her best to ignore them, telling herself it wasn't true, she would never be skin and bones. She finished writing the answer, walking back to her seat quickly. "Well done." The teacher responded when Rachel sat down. She kept her head down, listening to the whispers. They all know.. they're all onto her, she thought, they were going to catch her and ruin everything.

She felt a tear fall down her cheek, trying to hide it from everyone, "Miss? Can I take Rachel out of class for a moment, please?" Santana asked, ignoring Rachel when she shook her head as she took her hand in hers and pulled her outside. Rachel refused to lift her head up, she couldn't stand the thought of everyone looking at her.

"What's going on?"

"Why would you care?" Rachel muttered, looking up when they got outside the classroom, knowing the whispers would still continue even when she was gone.

"I do care, I am so sorry about before.. I just, I miss the old you so much. I hate to admit it, but it's true." Rachel nodded, biting her lip, "I miss her too.."

"I know you have an Eating Disorder." Santana sighed,

"I don't. I am fine." She replied, closing her eyes tight when Santana wrapped her arms around her, refusing to break down right there and then. She didn't want anyone else to know how much she was hurting and how close she was to breaking. "I'm fine." She repeated,

"I can feel all your bones, Finn is so worried about you." Rachel quickly pulled away and wrapped her arms around herself, "Sorry for hitting you." She whispered at the other girl, trying to change the subject,

"I'm sorry for hitting you too."

"F.. F-Friends?" Rachel regretted it the moment she said it, it would just be one more person who would get involved in all of this, one more person who would get hurt, one more person to try and make her eat. One more person to hold her and let her know everything would be okay, when she knew it would never be okay.

~ .. ~

Kurt groaned when he woke up that morning, Rachel was going away for more of their time off which meant he would be all alone. He looked around his bedroom, sighing. He got out of bed, looking at himself in the mirror, running to the bathroom to weigh himself. He looked down at the numbers, crying out in anger as he had done so many days before. If he was Rachel, he would have lost ten pounds by now. She was the one who could go for days and days without food or drink, the one who would exercise on nothing and the one who actually enjoyed feeling hungry. Kurt was the one who couldn't stand feeling hungry, but hated eating. He was the one who made himself vomit after every single bit of food reached his mouth.

They were different in so many ways, sometimes he envied Rachel but then he thought about all the pain the girl must be going through; the hunger pain and how it must feel to not actually be able to eat a thing. He found himself wondering often what it would be like to be anorexic, even for just a day. Maybe Rachel felt the same way, maybe she wondered what bulimia was like.

He shook his head for a moment, sighing when his father called him down for something to eat. It was going to be harder now that it was a few months off work, it would be harder to go the day without food and the nights with binging. Everything was going to be broken, his routine was going to be ruined. He ran down the stairs, kissing his dad on the cheek before sitting down,

"How's your first day of Summer so far?" His step-mom grinned as she placed some pancakes in front of her three boys, not noticing the look on Kurt's face as he mentally counted the amount of calories and fat.

"I don't feel well." He finally muttered, closing his eyes, trying to act like he was about to throw up. Carol wrapped an arm around him, placing a hand on his forehead, "You do have a small fever, go lay down, sweetie." Kurt nodded and slowly walked up the stairs, falling onto the bed as he tried not to cry, closing his eyes and trying to focus on something else.

He looked at his clock, realizing he must have fallen asleep as it was already afternoon. Slowly, he got up and walked into the bathroom to run a bath, he looked in the mirror and groaned; he truly looked terrible. His eyes were bright red, the bags underneath showing just how much sleep he seemed to be getting. He noticed a few spots that hadn't been there the day before, and he sighed, he never wanted it to be this bad. He didn't want to suffer this way, he hadn't wanted to be dying.

Everything was just getting harder and harder, everyday was more of a struggle than the day before. He was stuck in this thing he was forced to call a life, but now it just seemed like he was stuck in this place that was focused on a goal – a goal that seemed impossible. He was just trapped and he couldn't do anything about it. He didn't want to die but he didn't want to live. He had no idea what he wanted, he didn't know who he was and who he wanted to be.

Kurt had never wanted this to happen, he didn't want to be defined in terms of his Eating Disorder but he didn't want to recover either. He was proud of his bulimia in a strange kind of way, like it was another person who had already planned his life, even if Kurt didn't want the life any longer.

Kurt thought about how hard it was being him, he doesn't even know what he wants in this life. He was ruled by this invisible person, a person who would tell him what to do and how to life his own life and Kurt knew he had no choice but to listen. He had no choice but to let the voice win and he didn't know to control this thing. He didn't know if he even wanted to anymore.

"The idea of getting better scares me, I feel defined by my disorders. And in a way, I'm proud of them, they are a part of me. They are who I am and I can't change that, even if I wish I could."

~ .. ~

Rachel got off the plane and took a deep breath; she hated flying, people watching while you do stuff, always asking if you wanted anything to eat. She smiled a little and shook her head, looking for her mom before finally spotting her, "Wow.. you've lost so much weight, baby, I might need to fatten you up!" Shelby grinned and wrapped her arms around her daughter, biting her lip in worry when she could feel all her bones.

"No.. it's like... a whole new me." Rachel laughed, pulling away quickly, hating people feeling her.

"You've changed so much.. it's only been a few months but you've changed." Rachel nodded and looked at the floor as they both walked. She saw how excited her mom was about this visit, only making her think she was finally doing something right.

They finally got to the beautiful house, after Rachel spent her time admiring every single thing about New York, her dreams all playing out in her mind as she thought about her time in college in a year. She sat in her bedroom, writing down plans for that month including going to see at least one Broadway show.

"Are you ready for dinner?" Shelby poked her head into Rachel's bedroom later that week, smiling in relief when Rachel nodded and shut down her laptop. She sighed when she thought about all those meals prepared for her this week, every single one of them being fatty and whenever she even mentioned calories or fat, she would get knowing looks from her mother and she would always say; "You don't need to worry about silly things like that. Just eat the food, Rachel."

Rachel suspected that her fathers and Shelby had a discussion before she came here, she probably already knew that she hardly ate at home which was why she seemed to constantly be on at her. Rachel knew that she was the reason they were having family meals, there was a reason why Shelby went completely out her way to make sure dinner was on the table.

She walked into the dining room and smiled at both Beth and Shelby, sitting down and looking down at the plate in front of her. She watches her mom shovel the food in her mouth, not even thinking about what she was putting into her body. This always confused Rachel, wondering how anyone could possibly not be counting all the calories. She could never even focus on anything other.

She puts her fork halfway through and looks up at her mom, "I don't feel too good." She mutters, putting her hands on her stomach,

"You said that the other day and the day before that.." Shelby frowned, putting her own fork down when she finished, "I'm sure you can finish the rest."

"I feel sick." Rachel groaned for emphasis, not truly lying – she did feel sick.

"I don't care, your fathers warned me about this. I will not have you doing this to yourself while you are under my roof." Rachel quickly got up, glaring at her mother and pulling her arm away when the other woman grabbed it. "You have to be excused first."

Rachel rolled her eyes and sighed, "May I be excused, mother?"

"No you may not, sit down and eat your food."

Rachel smirked and folded her arms over her chest, "Are you going to make me? You can't make me do anything, you don't own me." She pushed back from the table, hearing the chair drop as she ran up the stairs and locking the door to her bedroom before running to the joining bathroom. She had to get rid of it all, she had to make sure she didn't get fatter.

When she was done, she just sat on the floor and curled into a tight ball. She couldn't take this anymore, she couldn't do it. She started to cry as she thought about how hard everything was, how she was unable to sit through a meal and how she wouldn't stop thinking about calories and fat.

She laughed bitterly when she thought about how she was getting on her own nerves, she had no idea how everyone else felt. But she knew she was better off alone anyway, she thought about how she didn't deserve anyone, she just wanted to be left alone.

She cried even harder when she thought about how happy she was before all this, she had been leaving her dream and she had an amazing boyfriend and best friends. She cried because she had ruined it all,she was just bringing everyone down with her and she didn't want to.

She knew that if she was all alone, when she died nobody would care and nobody would be hurt. They wouldn't be able to blame her or hate her anymore.

"She was dead in her mind, cold to the bone, and when she opens her eyes, she hopes she's all alone."