And after disappearing off of the face of the earth for a month and a half, she returns with another chapter!
omg guys, words cannot even articulate how sorry I am.
sorry :C
also, I suck at life. Burt and Carole are already married here because apparently I don't know what canon is.
Okay, so kissing boys, Kurt had found, definitely awesome. His first experience hadn't entirely gone to plan, or his second…or third for that matter, but when Blaine placed his familiar lips upon Kurt's in a chaste goodbye kiss in the cramped confines of his car, he knew that that was the feeling everybody talked about when it came to kissing.
Except it wasn't.
It should have been everything he ever wanted, it should have been flawless but it was…somehow lacking. Blaine was perfect, his eyes eager as he leaned in and the bashful smile every time he pulled away afterwards, just everything about him sent shivers down Kurt's spine and raised his hair on end. Blaine was everything he needed and Kurt knew exactly where the source of the problem lay. It was himself.
It wasn't that bad though, right? All he did was dress up as a girl and pretend to be someone else in order to deceive Blaine into liking him…well maybe that wasn't his initial intention but it did kind of end up playing out that way. Okay so yeah, it was pretty bad.
How on earth did he possibly think that he could sustain a relationship with someone whilst lying through his teeth? The guilt ate away at him but the thought of telling Blaine the truth made his stomach churn with unease. The way he saw it, he could either; tell Blaine the truth and watch as he inevitably leaves without turning back, or keep his mouth shut and enjoy Blaine's blissful ignorance for the rest of their lives…
Yeah, the latter seemed like it involved far less heartache and thus the best option. Except Blaine would question the mysterious absence of Kirsty sooner or later and become suspicious, he would ask questions that Kurt wouldn't have answers for.
Why did he let himself get in this deep? He was satisfied to let Blaine walk out of his life as easily as he had first strolled in before Mercedes had interfered. He would have accepted it if Blaine had decided that Kurt had too much baggage with Karofsky and ended things there. He even actively tried pushing him away and walking out on everything when Blaine kissed him as Kirsty. He had been shocked, confused and angry with Blaine but not half as much as he was with himself and he lashed out at Blaine, trying to make him feel guilty when the person Kurt was really angry at was himself. But yet again, Blaine clawed his way back and refused to step out of Kurt's life.
This comforted yet terrified him at the same time.
No more secrets from now on, okay?
The two were parked outside Kurt's house in Blaine's car having spent their Sunday afternoon browsing through the new Chanel menswear collection (Kurt's idea) and trying the amazing milkshakes at some family owned diner (Blaine's idea despite Kurt's protests about the calories).
Kurt had managed to push the nagging guilt to the back of his mind and simply enjoy the day which had inevitably ended far too quickly for his liking. The two sat nervously, neither of them particularly practiced in the art of saying goodbye when Blaine leaned in to steal the innocently quick kiss, unknowingly sending Kurt's mind reeling.
As quickly as he had placed them there, Blaine retrieved his lips from Kurt's and, without fail, there was the shy grin that crept across his face like clockwork every time they kissed, as if he still couldn't believe that he was allowed to claim Kurt's feather soft lips as his own. Kurt hated him for being so predictably adorable whilst at the same time found himself unable to stop staring.
"I'll let you go," Blaine said softly, pulling away as Kurt pined the loss of their sudden closeness.
"Why don't you come inside?" Kurt suddenly asked before his brain could register what he was suggesting. "I mean, my dad and step-brother are at a football game and I think Carole is at work so we'd have the house to ourselves,"
Blaine jokingly raised a suggestive eyebrow as Kurt internally kicked himself because that was not what he had intended on implying.
"No…what I meant was, urgh!" Kurt huffed as Blaine chuckled at his discomforted. "I just meant that you won't have to suffer through meeting my family, particularly my dad."
"You're adorable," Blaine said through his smile "And I'd love to come inside." Kurt flushed at the compliment as Blaine switched off the ignition and they both exited the car.
"So this is my room," Kurt said as he led Blaine through his bedroom door and sat down on the bed, gesturing for Blaine to do the same. Blaine took in the surroundings, nodding in approval before joining Kurt.
"It suits you," he said grinning and leaning his head on Kurt's shoulder. His hand gently inched towards Kurt's before grasping it, the silence between them awkward and heavy as was custom in the early stages of a relationship. Blaine's hazel eyes were wide and welcoming as Kurt found himself getting lost in them. Realizing his breath was becoming laboured; he smiled in response and tore his eyes away to stare at the vastly less interesting ornaments that decorated his shelves in an attempt to control the obvious blush radiating from his cheeks.
Blaine however had other plans as lifted his head off Kurt's shoulder and raised his hand to gently cup Kurt's cheek, smiling softly and only causing Kurt's blush to deepen.
"You're really beautiful," Blaine said, his own cheeks began to redden as he slowly leaned in to steal a kiss. Kurt exhaled gently; kissing Blaine will never not leave him breathless. "I know we haven't known each other for very long and I'm probably just being a stupid teenager but…I just…I feel so comfortable when I'm around you, I really feel like I can trust you Kurt."
Kurt's heart beat a mile a minute yet he was pretty certain it had dropped to the pit of his stomach as he hated himself even more. Why did this have to be so hard? Why did Blaine have to say the most perfectly wrong things?
Suddenly, he pressed forward again into another soft peck, and another, and another and Kurt couldn't find it in himself to pull away. Blaine's hand cupped Kurt's heated cheek, deepening the kiss as Kurt's breath hitched in his throat. Everything was new and fresh and Kurt had never experienced such tenderness from another boy before. It suddenly didn't matter that their relationship was tainted. All Kurt could dwell on was the fact that Blaine was kissing him like that and that Blaine actually wanted him.
All coherent thought having already left his mind, Kurt weaved his arms around the other's neck and simply allowed his feelings to take over because Blaine was kissing him and it felt awesome.
Suddenly Blaine's tongue was licking at Kurt's bottom lip, begging for entry like a puppy whining at the back door. Kurt eagerly granted him access and felt Blaine's hot tongue pressed again his own for the second time that weekend.
Blaine continued to press in deeper, unable to get enough of Kurt's taste; peppermint with a hint of the banana and Oreo milkshake he had had that afternoon. Kurt received the kiss gratefully, pressing back just as eagerly when Blaine withdrew his tongue and instead began sucking on Kurt's bottom lip. Gently nibbling and tugging. That was definitely new and Kurt reveled in the foreign sensation, memorizing every tender bite.
So this is what making out with someone feels like… Kurt couldn't help but think to himself. He'd heard the guys in glee talking about doing this with girls and had quite frankly found their descriptions of 'macking on hot chicks' to be rather disgusting, and his experience with Brittany the previous year was one he would rather forget.
Lips still locked, Kurt plucked up the courage to be daring enough to slip his own tongue between Blaine's parted lips and return the favour. It was a weird sensation, having his tongue in someone else's mouth, the textures feeling oddly familiar yet entirely alien at the same time.
Abruptly, Kurt could feel Blaine's weight resting heavily upon his shoulders urging him downwards, a flutter arising in his chest as Blaine lay on top of him on the bed, arms supporting him on either side of Kurt, refusing to break contact with his lips.
"Wait, wait, wait," Kurt said hurriedly into Blaine's mouth pushing him off gently as the latter's forehead creased with worry.
"I'm sorry, is this too much? W…we can stop if you want to," he asked, slightly panicked. Kurt giggled.
"No, it was…this is…nice." Kurt internally kicked himself because really? Straight As in English and the best adjective you can come up with right now is 'nice'? Blaine smiled a little uncertainly as he lifted himself up off of Kurt and back into a sitting position. Kurt quickly followed suit "No, really, it was amazing," he assured, touching Blaine's upper arm in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture, yet all Kurt could think of was how firm Blaine's biceps were beneath the soft wool of his sweater. "And it will continue to be amazing after I've hung up my jacket," Kurt stated, as he stood, pulling the burgundy jacket off his shoulders, revealing a black and grey striped top underneath "I just had it dry cleaned, do you know how hard it is to get wrinkles out of this thing?" he asked rhetorically, pulling open his closet door and taking out a hanger for his jacket.
He didn't notice the Gucci Duffel bag as it toppled to the floor, its contents half spilling out onto the carpet behind him.
Blaine knelt, picking up the bag, to help clear up. The wig however caught his attention. He picked it up eyeing it with curiosity, not quite understanding how it could look so familiar to him.
"Why on earth do you have this in your closet?" he asked, sounding amused and holding up the hair piece for Kurt to see.
Kurt turned to see what Blaine was talking about, his heart stopping at the sight of Blaine holding up the wig, an indecipherable yet slightly confused looking grin on his lips.
"That's…nothing just…uhh…" Kurt sputtered as he attempted to snatch the wig from Blaine. He wasn't fast enough however as Blaine leapt to his feet and took a step back, distancing himself out of Kurt's reach, smiling playfully. "Give it!" Kurt demanded starting to panic.
"Only if you try it on!" he countered waving the offending object just out of Kurt's reach as he tried to grab for it again.
"No way," Kurt replied in a small, petrified voice. If he were to put that wig on…just no.
"Oh come on! just…"
"Give me the wig Blaine," Kurt said dangerously slow, his voice raised considerably and his eyes boring into Blaine's with his most threatening glare. Blaine blanched at Kurt's sudden intimidation and how quickly the mood had changed, handing over the wig with a hurt expression.
"Sorry," he said feebly, not quite understanding Kurt's anger. Kurt finally managed to snatch the wig back, his heart pounding in his chest at the close call. He let out a relieved sigh as he bent down to pick up the fallen duffel bag. He hadn't realized the bag was upside down however as the rest of the items within spilled out onto the floor. That included makeup, a blue tartan kilt and, probably the most mortifying of the lot, several pairs of pantyhose. Kurt hurriedly fell to his knees, putting aside the wig and scrambling at the pile in a vain attempt at keeping it from Blaine. Who, not only had seen the clothes, but had already taken the skirt before Kurt could retrieve it.
"Kurt…" he said uncertainly, knitting his eyebrows together in confusion. "Why do you have a Crawford Country Day uniform?" He looked up expectantly, his conscience coming up with several answers that he refused to believe.
"There's….a good reason for that…" Kurt stuttered.
"And a wig…" Blaine slowly picked up the wig that Kurt had dropped in his haste to retrieve the clothes. It was suddenly clear to him as to why the thing looked so familiar. He looked from Kurt to the wig and back again, a look of horror and confusion on his face. Kurt just stared at the floor, knowing the charade was up. It was over. Slowly, Blaine placed the wig over Kurt's real hair, Kurt not even bothering to protest, instead just flinched slightly as the soft brown curls tumbled over his shoulders. "Shit…" Blaine breathed. It was the first time Kurt had ever heard him curse. "What the hell Kurt?" he exclaimed frantically. "K…Kirsty…? What?"
"I'm sorry," Kurt whispered in the smallest voice he could.
"I don't want your apology, I want an explanation!" Blaine said, his voice a tone Kurt had not heard before. It wasn't entirely malicious, but there was some anger mixed in with the agitation and bewilderment. Kurt felt two feet tall, kneeling on the floor beside the spilled duffel bag of clothes as Blaine stood, glaring down at him. "You lied to me?" Blaine continued when Kurt said nothing. "From the moment we met, you've been lying to me?"
"It wasn't my idea to-"
"And you made me feel so guilty when all along…when all along it was you I kissed."
"I'm sorr-"
"Who the hell even are you?" Kurt stared at him wide-eyed, how had things gone from everything he ever wanted to absolute hell in the space of 5 minutes?
"I'm still me, I'm still Kurt, Blaine!" he said desperately
"How can I believe that? When all you've done is lie to me? I really trusted you Kurt, I honestly thought you were different."
"Blaine-"
"How much of anything that you've told me actually true?" Kurt looked down, unable to answer because how could he? "Did this Karofsky guy really kiss you or did you just make that up to get me to feel sorry for you? The same way you pretended to be Kirsty to set me up on a blind date with yourself? Or how you lied about-"
"No," Kurt interrupted almost hysterically "I wasn't lying then, Karofsky really did…but this isn't about him anyway. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did, honestly, everything just got so out of hand. I wasn't planning on meeting you and…and liking you as much as I do. Because I really, really like you Blaine." Kurt was desperate, he'd had a taste of what it would be like to be with Blaine and he wanted it so badly. He wasn't ready for this to end so suddenly.
"I thought I liked you too. I guess I was wrong about you," Blaine said, barely above a whisper as he strode over to the door.
"No! Blaine please wait!" Kurt cried, rising to his feet. He wanted to hold Blaine, embrace him like he had done in the Lima Bean parking lot when Kurt was ready to walk out, when their roles were reversed. He wanted to at least hold his hand or grip his beautifully firm arms, anything to keep him from leaving and to let him know how desperately he needed this, how much he needed someone like Blaine in his life. Even just as a friend. However he lacked the courage that he found in himself mere moments ago. He couldn't bring himself to go near the other boy anymore, let alone touch him. All the confidence he had been building up around Blaine had crumbled to pieces in a mere matter of minutes. "Please," was all Kurt could say in a timid voice.
"You've made me feel like such an idiot," Blaine said, opening Kurt's bedroom door. "I can't trust you anymore Kurt." With that he left.
At first Kurt cried. He cried for hours. He cried standing in front of his bedroom door after Blaine had left. He cried on the floor, his face buried in his knees. He cried on his bed, curled up in a ball, wishing things could have been different.
He stared at his phone, hoping, praying to anything that Blaine would text or call or something. He briefly entertained the idea of calling him but quickly discarded it. There was no way he'd answer the phone, and even if he did, Kurt had no idea what he would say to him.
He spent a lot of time hating Rachel. He hated that she made him do this. He hated that if it wasn't for her he would never have met Blaine in the first place however he then became confused as to whether having never met Blaine would be better than the pain he was currently feeling.
It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all or something right?
No, that definitely just made him feel worse.
He briefly resented Mercedes for setting them up. He could have quite easily forgotten about Blaine if she hadn't interfered. He could have continued without ever knowing what he was missing. He knew that was stupid though, Mercedes was his best friend, she was only trying to help.
When the rest of the household returned home later that night, he tried to be as discreet as possible about his ugly mood, passing it off as a headache and asking to be left alone whilst he hid in the safety of his bedroom. They respected his wishes and Carole brought him up some soup to try and make him feel better. He thanked her and she left, that was the last contact he had from anyone for the rest of the night.
The soup was still there the next morning, untouched.
After a while, Kurt stopped crying, he stopped hating his friends for his own stupidity. He was the one who thought he could sustain a relationship built on lies. The pain numbed, he just stopped feeling all together. He went to sleep around 11 after hastily brushing his teeth but not bothering with his nightly moisturizing routine. His head pounding and his eyes swollen from all the crying, he drifted into a dreamless sleep.
Btw, Kurt and Blaine weren't actually planning on doing anything more than just kiss on the bed, really, I know it sounds like they were gonna...But yeah. They've only known each other for like a week or something...
Review? (even if it's just to yell at me for how long I'm taking)
..