Disclaimer: See last chapter.
~ "Have you ever wanted to wake up in hospital and hear the words 'she's not going to make it'?" ~
"Okay Rachel, do you know how this is going to work?" Rachel shook her head and stared at the Doctor in front of her. He smiled a little and then pushed back on his chair, looking at the girl who was laying in the hospital bed after being checked over once more.
"First of all, we need to make sure you start eating. I'm going to tell you straight up, you are severely underweight and one of our main focuses at the moment is going to be getting you back up to a healthy weight. You weigh seventy pounds at the moment, do you know what the healthy weight for your height is?" She shook her head again and bit her lip,
"Okay, well we're looking at one hundred and seventeen pounds to be right on the healthy line."
"N-no.. I can't.. I can't gain it all back." She spoke up for the first time since she got to the hospital, shaking her head and letting tears fall down her face, she wiped them away quickly and looked at him,
"Rachel, we need to work on your weight first, you won't get there straight away but I promise it will get easier. The moment your weight starts going up, we will focus more on psychological side of thins." She stared at him, silently crying, "Once we know where this began, we can start working on changing the way your mind works." She nodded and heaved a deep sigh,
"What's going to happen while I'm here? You know.. food wise.."
"Well, at first, we are going to give you small meals which you can eat from your bed. The meals will eventually increase in size and calorific value, if you find the meals too hard to consume, you will be given the same amount in liquid form."
"And what happens if I refuse?"
"You will be put on a feeding tube after three warnings." She nodded slowly and looked around the room, asking him what would happen beyond that,
"When you find them not so difficult to eat, as you do now, you will be put in the meal room with others. Basically, you will all eat together, proper meals that are based to help you gain weight until you are out of the danger zone."
She nodded again, "Do I get visitors?"
"Not for a while, and family members can come but not so often."
"What about my boyfriend? If he came with my dads?" She bit down on her lip as he shook his head,
"I am afraid that privileges like that only come with gaining weight."
"What about phone calls?"
"You can have one a week." She pulled her knees to her chest, tears falling quicker, shaking her head when he asked if she had any more questions. Standing up slowly, trying to fight the dizziness as she followed him out, as he explained to her that he would take her to the room she will be staying in for her stay.
She sat on her bed once they got to her room, and looked around the room – there was nothing much there. There was a big window with blinds for privacy, a small bed, a chest of drawers and a large cupboard. She sighed, this would be her home for the next few months, or longer.
She lay back on the bed, she didn't think she could do this, it was all too much, it was all too hard. "Hey darling." Rachel looked up at her dads as they walked into the room, smiling at her as she sat up a little. She watched them walk over to her and play with her hair, before each of them placing a kiss on either side of her head.
"The Doctor thinks it's best if we don't visit for the next few days." Rachel sighed and then bit her lip, nodding slowly,
"Dad.. daddy, I'm scared.. please don't leave me." She didn't care about how weak she sounded, she wanted her dads to stay and tell her everything would be okay, that it would all work out. They wrapped their arms around their daughter, tears dropping from their faces as they held her tight.
"We have to go, this is for your own good. We promise it will work out soon, we will come and see you in a few days to let you settle in.. and then we will visit as often as we can." Rachel nodded, watching them both as they blew her a kiss before walking out.
"Daddy! Dad!" She watched the broken men turn around, looking at her, "I'm really sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for, our beautiful star. We have to go now, but we'll bring Finn with us soon, we'll pretend he's your brother or something." Rachel laughed a little and smiled at the thought, thanking them both.
"We love you." They both whispered, turning back around, shutting the door behind them,
"I love you too." Rachel muttered to herself, laying back down on her bed. She closed her eyes and wondered what Finn was doing right now. She wondered if he told Kurt yet, what was Kurt thinking about if he knew? She closed her eyes tightly, hearing a constant beep in the room next to her, someone was dying and it could be her one day. She sighed, and stopped the tears falling down, "I don't want to die, please don't let me die." She whispered as she fell into a deep sleep.
One week later;
Rachel:
I wake up shaking and sweating, I cling to the covers around me and pull them up further. I wipe away the tears falling down my face and try and close my eyes to forget it all. It's been one whole week and I'm not settling in. I look around the empty, lonely room and try to forget the nightmare that is my life. Sighing, I curl up in a tight ball and try to think of good things, and Finn comes to mind. I close my eyes, picturing him in my head, he is the one who will get me through this. He will make sure I am okay. I tighten my grip on the covers, trying to stop myself from shaking, trying to make the constant, numbing cold go away.
A whole week in this place, I hadn't left my bedroom, I couldn't. I was too scared to meet people who were the same as me, it was different with Kurt, he was different in a way. We both had an eating disorder, we both felt the same but we had different ways of dealing with it. It would be easier to be around him than those exactly the same as me, I don't like the thought of others knowing how I think, they were like me and that scared me more than anything. I shook the thought off, I didn't have to go with them until I was ready, and I probably would never be ready.
"Are you going to eat today, Rachel?" The nurse says as she walks in with the breakfast tray, I sit up and just shrug, trying to hide my pain from her.
"Don't feel like it." She tutted and then walked back out, leaving the tray in the room. I sigh and look at the food on it, tempted to binge – nobody loves me. Shelby refuses to come see me while I'm in here, not that dad or daddy would admit it to me, they insist she's too busy with work. I would have believed them if the person who is supposed to be my mother would answer my calls, if she called me or just left a message. But I had nothing, I meant nothing to her.
I stared at the butter dripping off the now cold toast, the sugar filled cereal with the fattening milk. I looked at the small bowl of fruit they gave me; chopped up apples, sliced banana, ten grapes and some kiwi. I shook my head, I wasn't going to let myself eat because then everyone would win and I would lose. I wouldn't be able to stop, I wouldn't be able to control myself anymore. I went up to the tray and picked it up for a second, before chucking it against the wall with all the strength I had. I smiled, watching it drip down the walls, smiling when some Doctors and Nurses came running in to see what the loud noise was.
"Go get Doctor Winters now." I hear one of them shout, she was my Doctor, she thought she could help me but I never listened to her. She was pretty but there was something strange about her, something which told me she was hurting too. Maybe not in the same way but there was some pain there.
"Rachel." I hear her voice after a long silence, as I get into bed, I mutter a 'what' but I don't bother looking at her. "You need to eat." I shook my head,
"I don't need to, you want me to."
"I do want you to, yes.. but I also need you to. You're doing yourself more damage than good, Rachel." I shrugged, "Do you know what will happen if you carry on?" I shake my head, biting my lip, "We will be putting you on a feeding tube."
I look down and shake my head, crying, "We don't want to do that, but we can and we will." She carried on, I just shook my head again and kept my head down. I didn't say anything, I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say to that, I didn't want to be put on a tube but I know I couldn't do anything about it if I were put on one. I just didn't want to be fat again, I sighed and wiped the tears from my eyes, looking up to examine her face. She seemed like she cared, but she still kept the distance between us. She looked sad, yet content. She was happy with her job, that much was clear, but she was sad. I shook the thoughts off, I didn't need to get involved with someone who was trying to make me fat.
"Come on, we have to start working on some psychological factors." I nodded and slowly got off my bed, walking slowly after her, ignoring her question about getting a wheelchair for me as I followed her down the hall. We entered a room down the hall, I went in after her and looked around – it was different from my bedroom, bigger for one. There was a large mirror on one wall, another wall had a large notepad on it. I wondered what it was for, instead just shrugging and looking at the exercise equipment on the other side of the room.
"I need you to step on the scales, Rachel." Dr Winters said, pulling me from my thoughts, I nod and go to step on them as I usually did but she shook her head, turning me around. "Backwards." I go to question her but I can't find the energy to even care, stepping on them backwards.
I stare at her face as she reads the numbers, I wonder what they say before she tells me to step off. I walk around the room, burning extra calories without her even knowing. "What do you normally eat?" She suddenly says, I look at her and shrug,
"I don't know.."
"Think." I sigh and shrug again, "It's different every day." She nods, telling me to expand, "An apple for breakfast, nothing for lunch or maybe a cracker and then some salad or fruit for dinner."
"And what is your ideal weight?" I think for a moment, "Seventy pounds, I guess."
She nods and writes this down, I look at her, "You weigh less than that." I shake my head and look around the room, pacing, "You should be at one hundred and seventeen at your height." I laugh and turn to face her, catching my reflection in the mirror I had been trying to avoid. "No, you won't make me gain everything I've lost. There is no way." I hissed at her, I was not going to get fat again, nothing she could say or do was going to change that.
"You will not get fat, Rachel." She walked over to me but I shook my head, stepping back,
"Look.. we're different. You can eat without getting fat.. I can't. If I eat, I get fat. End of story." I let a tear fall down my face as I think about it. I wish I could eat, I wish I was thin.
"Come over here." She started walk towards the notepad I had noticed earlier, "I want you to write down everything you feel." She hands me a pen and I look at her, confused, "I will be over here.. write what you want." I nod and take the pen in my shaking head. I look at the paper and think for a moment, when I start to write that first word, I just can't stop.
All those feelings wash over me, and tell me that I am worthless and stupid. I don't know why I'm actually writing down the truth, I don't want her to know how I really feel but I don't want to let her down either. I don't want her to think I'm stupid, I step back when I am done and look at all the words.
"Well done."
"Why did I have to do that?"
"I have to know how you feel sometimes, Rachel. If I understand that, then maybe I can start to understand why you do this to yourself." I nod slightly,
"I guess that makes sense."
"Now, just one more thing and then you can go. I want you to look in the mirror and tell me what you see." I shake my head, that task is too much, it's alright writing stuff you think but when you see it.. it hurts.
"Don't make me look in there." I whisper, refusing to look at the huge mirror, I don't want to see how fat I am, I can't handle it.
"It's okay Rachel, we're going to work on the image you see. Trust me." I nod and start to shake, walking towards the mirror. I see myself there and the shaking gets worse, as Dr Winters just kindly smiles at me. "Now, tell me what you're seeing."
"I-I don't know.. fat thighs... a bulging stomach." I go through everything that is wrong with me, everything I can't change about myself no matter what I do. I just shake my head when I finish, tears pouring down my face,
"In the mind of anorexics, the mirror changes.. have you ever seen one of those mirrors that distorts your image?" I nod and then look at her, trying to turn away from the mirror but she turns me back, "That is what your mind is doing to you. It's changing how you see things and we have to work on changing it back to the way you used to see yourself. We have to make sure you see the truth."
I look at her confused, "So you're saying... that what I'm seeing right now.. it isn't real?"
"To you it is, but it's not the truth. It's not what you really like." I nod and then look down, I feel so tired and I haven't really done anything. She smiles at me and puts a hand on my shoulder, "Let's get you back to your room." I nod, following her out of the room, keeping my head down to make sure I don't see anyone, make sure I'm not noticed by anyone else. I don't want to get to know anyone else here, it would be too hard if something happened.
I say goodbye to her when she leaves my room and I climb into the comfort of my bed. I look up at the ceiling and try to think about what life would be like without this thing holding me back. I close my eyes and try to think about something that could make me happy.
~ .. ~
"She is still refusing to eat, Mr Berry." Rachel sits inside her bedroom, listening to her dads argue with the Doctors outside. They won't let them do this to her, she shakes her head and tries to think to herself for a while as she hears the two men shouting, telling them how they don't want this to happen to their daughter. She sits on the edge of her bed, staring down at the food splattered on the floor. She smiles to herself as she thinks about all the control she has, not a bit of food has passed her lips. She's proud.
"Rachel.." She snaps her head up when she hears her dad's voice, smiling at him and hugging him tight when he puts his arms around her. She notices her daddy looking away as he stays on the other side of the room, biting his lip, and she can tell they've both been fighting. "You have to start eating." He whispers into her ear, frowning,
"I know.. I can't.. let me come home with you." She whispers, "I will be okay there, I can't stay here any longer. I'm not strong enough." She admits, but her dad just shakes his head and looks down at the ground.
"You have to stay here for your own good." Rachel shakes her head, laying bac on her bed,
"I'm not going to eat, they are all wasting their time and you are wasting your money."
"Then they will put a feeding tube in you, is that what you really want?" Her daddy speaks up for the first time since they arrived in the room, as he slams his hand down on her chest of drawers, watching his daughter jump before she went back to her usual unemotional face. Rachel turns to the other side of the room, hearing them both pull up chairs.
The door opens again and she hears her dad thank someone before the door closes again, so she turns around and sees the tray of food, she laughs and shakes her head, "No fucking way." She turns back to the other side, turning around when her dad doesn't answer. She finds him sitting there, staring at the food, tears falling down his face and it is in that one moment she realizes how much she has hurt the two men she loves so much.
She shakes her head, "I'm sorry.. if I could stop how I feel, I would."
"It's not your fault, honey.. you're just.. I wish you would try." Rachel nods, wishing she was strong enough to try, but she just couldn't do it anymore.
"If you don't eat.. your phone privileges will be taken away."
"I have nobody to phone." Rachel says, accepting the challenge they are giving her,
"Finn? Kurt?" She shakes her head again, telling them that she doesn't need to phone them, trying to sound like she doesn't care when the truth is, she cares too much. She loves her phone conversations with Finn, she loves hearing his voice but if she had to accept it as one more punishment, then she was willing. She hears her dad sigh and her daddy mutter something as she watches them both leave, the door slamming.
"Daddy! Dad! No! Please don't let them do this! Help me, daddy... dad!" She screams, there are three nurses and two doctors – one of them being Doctor Winters. She cries out in fear and panic as they pin her down, not wanting them to do this to her. She shakes her head, screaming when they try to stick the tube up her nose, not letting them win. She watches her dad cry in the corner, but her daddy has left. She screams once more, kicking before she feels a needle pierce her arm. She watches Doctor Winters as the woman smiles a little, pushing the hair back from her face, soothing her as the darkness takes over.
When she woke up a few hours later, she felt for the tube up her nose – it was there. She was tempted to rip it out, and she wanted to do it so badly but she saw the person asleep on the bed. She looked at him and then moved her hand which he had placed in hers when she was asleep. He jumped up and smiled when he saw that she was awake.
"I love you." He whispers, and she nods. She can't speak, it hurt too much. She wants to die, but she wants so much to live. She wants to be thin but she wants to be happy. She wants to eat but she wants to be in control. She wants to be normal, but she's everything but that. She always wanted what she can't have. She started to shake, out of panic and fear, at the realization that all her control was gone and she wasn't sure how to get it back.
And then she feels it, his arms wrap around her and she looks up at him, calming a little as she looks into his eyes, "It will be okay, I promise you." He promises, and she believes him for a moment. "I will always be here, I will never leave you. You will get better and we are going to be so happy together, forever." She stares into his dreamy eyes, and squeezes his hand. She loved him so much, she wants to get better for him. For Finn.
"I'm going to help you through this. I am going to be here every step of the way, I will always be just a phone call away." He said, and she nods and closes her eyes again. She was to tired, she feels him grip her hand tighter and then nothing. She returns back to her lonely world again, and she was back to that familiar feeling.