Disclaimer: See last chapter.
~ "I don't want to be the fat one no more." ~
"Kurt, will you eat the breakfast or not?" His step-mom sounded impatient but for once he didn't care, he just sat there and shook his head, he had been the same since he had found out about Rachel. He had been like this since he realized all of this was his fault. He couldn't eat, he wouldn't do anything. He wanted Rachel back, he wanted her to be okay and he needed to know it wasn't his fault.
He looked up at Carole and saw the tears in the woman's eyes, "I don't want you to end up like Rachel.. I know you blame yourself but people with Eating Disorders are different. You couldn't have stopped her going for a run, she would have gone without you. It's better she was with you, if something happened, you would have been there to help her." Kurt nodded and looked down at his plate she had placed in front of him and he knew he couldn't do it anymore, it wasn't him. This whole thing wasn't him.
Rachel would have told him to stop forcing Anorexia on himself; she always believed everyone were who they were, she had always told Kurt that he wanted to be anorexic too much. He silently agreed with her as he picked up his fork, watching Carole smile and wrap her arms around her step-son. "Thank you." She whispered in his ear,
"No, thank you." He had needed to hear it wasn't his fault, there was nothing he could have gone. He couldn't handle the guilt any longer. When he was done, he smiled at his parents and made his way to his bedroom, he knew what he had to do, he knew that this was the person he was. He ran to the bathroom and smiled to himself – this was the only way he felt something good. He hadn't felt like he had any control for the past week and it needed to stop.
He grinned when he was done, flushing the toilet. It felt so good, it felt so much better than starving himself. He stared at his reflection, trying to smile. And then a sharp pain ran through his body, and he grabbed his stomach, trying his best not to scream in pain.
He stood up straight when it passed, coughing – he covered his mouth with his hand, staring at his hand when he pulled it away only to see it covered in blood. He stared at his shaking hands, at the dark red blood dripping off them. His head shook in fear and shock and then looked in the mirror once more.
Tears fell down his face, he knew this would happen, he knew he wouldn't be able to carry on without some side-effects in the end. He shook his head and washed his hands, ignoring the tears before taking one last look in the mirror before walking away. Sitting down on his bed, he tried his best to think straight. He tried to think about how hard things were, how ill he would be and all the damage he was doing. He shook his head and thought about all the weight he had lost, how he couldn't give up now.
He lay down on his bed and thought about Rachel, he wondered what his best friend was doing right now or if she felt okay. Kurt had thought that Rachel was the only sick one out of the two, but he was wrong. And at the same time, he was jealous of her, not because she was in hospital, but because she was sick enough for people to be concerned.
He didn't want people to know he was sick, but he didn't want them thinking Rachel was the only one. He didn't want to through recovery but at the same time, he did. He sighed loudly and turned on his side, closing his eyes and thinking about how Rachel must feel right now.
He buried his head into the pillow to muffle his scream – everything was so hard, it wasn't fair. He just wanted to be thin, why couldn't he be thin enough? He didn't want to be the fat one anymore – Rachel was so tiny. She was too think and she was in hospital because of it. He couldn't help but feel like the odd one out, he was the fat one. He wanted to be thin, he hated being the fat one.
~ .. ~
Rachel looked around the table and watched everyone else eat; she didn't stare at them for much longer, she didn't want them to think she was judging them. She looked down at the bread in front of her and sighed, she had been taken off the tube a week ago, after being on it for two weeks. She had been stuck here for over a month, and nothing was getting any easier.
She was okay though, she was doing well. Better than she thought she would have been. She was able to eat in her own room but it was hard eating in front of others, and this was her first day doing so. She was shaking with fear, wondering what they would think of her, just waiting for someone to say she was too fat to be here with them.
She looked at them when she had walked in, none of them looked up at her though, they were too busy staring at their food in disgust. One of them had been crying and screaming, it was her first day there as well – Rachel could tell. There were some girls who ate their food quickly, who Rachel assumed were just like Kurt and waiting for a chance to throw it up.
Rachel bit down on her lip when she thought about doing the same but she didn't want to give up yet, she didn't want to fall. She smiled at Doctor Winters when she left her side, nodding and watching the Doctor walk away before standing in the corner to see how she was coping. Rachel smiled up at the girl across from her and she smiled back, she wondered if they were judging her right now.
He knew they must have been thinking about her for a while because she had been thinking about them. She was watching everyone look down at the food on their plates, their faces changing when they added up the calories and fat in their heads. She watched them while she was doing exactly the same thing. She shook her head and started to nibble on the sandwich in front of her, picking at it piece by piece.
She could feel her body shaking, thinking about people watching her as she ate. She turned around and pleaded with Doctor Winters to take her back to her room but the woman shook her head and pointed at the plate of food. Rachel sighed and held back the tears that threatened to fall down her face – she didn't want to be weak, she couldn't let herself give up.
She followed everyone else when they walked out of the room, and she smiled at Doctor Winters, "I am so proud of you." She whispered, putting a hand on Rachel's back, smiling wide as Rachel nodded and walked with her. "We will do this once a day, and for the other two meals and snacks, you can stay in your room as usual. Then this will increase when you become more comfortable."
"Fair enough." Rachel bit her lip and silently thanked the woman.
"I have to leave you here, I will be back later for the session." Rachel nodded and walked into her room, she was starting to like the sessions, they spoke a lot and about how she felt and what she thought. She would look at her reflection and talk about what she saw and why she could be seeing that.
They walked about when she had been laying there for two weeks and how terrible she had felt. Rachel told her how she wanted to die so badly then, how she could only think of the weight she was going to gain and how much she wanted to scream when the numbers went up on the scale, and the Doctors nodded in approval as they wrote it down. She had cried herself to sleep every night.
But slowly, very slowly, her mind began to change, she began to realize that gaining weight wasn't such a bad, horrible thing. It was becoming a good thing, she looked around the bedroom and how to spend the next few hours alone, once more. She thought about how it would feel like to recover, how it would feel like to be that person she was last year. It seemed impossible at the moment, but she knew that she could do it.
"Rachel, you have a visitor." Sandra, a nurse walked into the room,
"I wasn't expecting anyone, though.."
"Come on, I'll take you to the visitors room." Rachel followed the woman, biting her lip in fear, "Who is it?"
"A boy." The nurse shrugged and opened the door when they finally reached it, Rachel murmured a thank you and walked in to see Kurt sitting on a seat. She grinned wide and wrapped her arms around him when he stood up and ran to her. "I missed you so much." She whispered, trying not to cry.
"I missed you as well." He smiled, both of them pulling away from each other to sit down. Rachel looked around the room, trying to think what to say. Kurt lost weight but Rachel didn't want to say anything about that, she knows more than anyone what it's like when someone tells you something you want to hear.
"How are you?" Kurt finally asked, breaking the awkward silence,
"I'm fine, it's hard in here but it's getting better. How about you?"
"I'm great! I've lost weight and I'm doing good with everything, it's hard without you though." Rachel nodded and bit her lip,
"I noticed you lost some."
"Well, it's been over a month." Rachel sighed and stood up, pacing back and forth. She finally looked out the window, wrapping her arms around herself, "I wanted to come and see you but Finn said something about you not being able to see anyone else."
"Yeah, only family for a while. My dads told them that Finn is my brother." Kurt laughed and nodded,
"I'm glad he's okay with everything." He smiled, and Rachel clenched her fists in a sudden burst of anger,
"He is not okay with everything." She said through gritted teeth, "Nobody is okay with it except you, Finn is hurting and it is all my fault."
Kurt shook his head, tears stinging his eyes, "I didn't mean it like that.. I-I meant.. he's still with you.. I meant to say.. it's good he's helping.." Rachel nodded and unclenched her first, muttering an apology before turning to look at him.
"How are you and Blaine?"
"Okay, I guess.. I think he's catching on but he hasn't said anything."
"How often do you purge?"
"More often than before.. I can't seem to keep a thing down these days." Rachel nodded and stared at the floor, "How is recovery?"
"Fine." Rachel didn't want to tell him much, she didn't want him thinking she was weaker than him. She didn't want him to realize how much she was hurting, and how the month away from Kurt had made her realize how much damage they were doing to each other, how much pain they caused on each other.
"I'm glad you're recovering, you deserve it."
"You deserve it, too." He just shook his head and Rachel felt that anger bubbling up inside her once more, "What? Is Kurt Hummel too good to recover?"
"No.. I don't want it enough, that's all." Rachel sighed and turned to stare at the door, willing someone to walk in and take her back to her room. "I should go." Kurt whispered, getting up when Rachel just nodded, her eyes not leaving the door. "When do you get out of here?"
"A fortnight or so, when I reach one hundred pounds, and then I'll be an out-patient until I reach one hundred and twenty."
"What do you weigh now?"
"Why?" I snapped, feeling defensive,
"I was just wondering.. what's happening to us Rachel? You used to tell me everything."
"Ninety pounds."
"Not long then..." Rachel just nodded and watch him walk away, turning around to look at her before sighing sadly and walking back out. Rachel sighed in relief, glad it was over. She never wanted to lose Kurt as a friend but she wanted to lose him as an influence. She started to shake, realizing she was missing 'snack time', she sighed and walked out of the room to go back to her own room that she was meant to call home while she stayed here.