Disclaimer: See last chapter.
~ "Because each exhaled breath, feels like a silent scream." ~
Rachel
I ran as fast as I could away from them, away from their guilt and away from their food. I ran as fast as my legs could go and I couldn't stop. I thought about Kurt and how I was alive and he wasn't. How it didn't seem fair that I was still here when he wasn't. I thought about how I never wanted to recover, how I wanted to die and I didn't care how I died. I just need the pain to end, I want to be with Kurt so I can tell him how sorry I am. I just want to be normal again.
It wasn't long before I heard Finn call my name. I ran the opposite direction from him, knowing which way he was going to take. I carried on running, making myself carry on no matter how much pain I was feeling.
I felt dizzy but I continued anyway. I couldn't stop now, I had come too far. I didn't know where I was going anymore, but I had to end up somewhere. I looked ahead of me and tears clouded my view. I tried to shake my head to make them go away but they kept coming back. I pictured Kurt running beside me, I smiled at him and carried on. Finally, my legs gave up on me and I collapsed to the ground. My chest began to tighten and I found it hard to breathe. I closed my eyes, hoping it was the end.
I felt a pair of arms lift me up but I didn't open my eyes. I heard a car door close and felt us driving off but I didn't open my eyes. I didn't know who it was, I was too scared to discover who it was. I sighed and let a tear fall, I hated this world. I didn't want to be saved, I wanted to die. Just when I wanted to give up, just when I thought I was gone.. someone else comes along. And the truth is, I don't think I can live like this anymore.
~ .. ~
Rachel woke up and looked around her, shaking her head and closing her eyes, trying to wake herself up. She sighed, while opening them again. She jumped from the bed, looking around as she bit her lip. Jumping when she heard a knock on the door, staring at the person who opened it.
She remembered now, she was the one who lifted her here. She was only half with it, she couldn't think about anything, she didn't struggle. She had been too weak, too tired. She just let the older women pick her up and put her in the car, and then take her here. It could have been anyone, she could have been murdered or something but she didn't fight them.
"I should go.." She shook her head at Rachel, setting down a glass of water she had brought up for the girl,
"I've called your dads."
"When are they picking me up?"
"They're not.." She looked down at the floor, but Rachel just shook her head, not able to believe them – did her parents hate her?
"W-why not?"
"You're going to be staying here for a week or so, I told them to give me a chance.. I want to try and help you." The woman sighed and moved some hair from Rachel's eyes, frowning. She held out her arms, hesitant but needing the girl to know she was here. She felt tears fall and wrapped her arms around her mother, the one person she needed so much. They both stood there for a while, neither of them letting go of the other as they rubbed each others back, both of them crying.
"I'm going to take care of you, I will try and help you.. I'm going to try so hard." Rachel nodded and sighed, knowing if she didn't want to get better, then she wouldn't, no matter who wanted to help. After a while of standing there, both of them crying in each others arms, Shelby tucked her daughter into bed.
Rachel closed her eyes, trying to think of someone other than Kurt. She thought about Finn and how happy he used to be, the look on his face when she walked out of the bathroom after being sick. The way his body tensed, and the way he cried when she told him she wanted to die. She felt as though it was her fault, he cried because of her, if he was angry, it was her fault, and if he ran from this... it would be to get away from her and the problems she caused.
She didn't want to hurt anyone other than herself. She wanted to feel pain, she wanted to punish herself for what she did to Kurt. She needed to take the blame, she needed people to hate her and she wanted to cry because most of the time, it hurts a lot less to cry than it does to smile. She snuggles into the bed, closing her eyes tightly as she tried to focus on sleep.
The next day she wakes up to the sound of the door knocking, and she watches her mother – not her mom – walk in with a tray of food. She knew this was coming. She knew the feeling of hunger would have to leave soon and she thinks about how she should have gone while she had the chance. Shelby smiled at her daughter – not her baby girl – and set the tray down on the bed.
Rachel stared at the food; a glass of orange juice, a mixture of fruit and a piece of plain toast. "I was looking up low fat ideas for you last night, I thought maybe you could begin with this and we could increase the calories as time goes on." Rachel bit her lip, thinking about it. It was better than the fat diet her dads put her on, forcing her to eat toast with dripping butter all over it. It was better than the strict calorie diet they put you on in hospital.
It was worse than her own diet.
She sighed and picked up the cup, taking a sip before setting it back down. She laid back and heard the sigh from the older woman's mouth. "It's not that I don't want to eat, I just can't." She whispers, and Shelby nods and takes her hand.
"You can only try your best, Rachel.. but I need you to eat half this bowl, okay?" She nodded and sat up, she ate slowly, focusing on every single chew, every single bite, calculating in her head. She thought about spitting it back out but the proud look on Shelby's face stopped her for some reason. She finished exactly half and shrugged, laying back down when she nodded and picked the tray up before standing.
"Do you want me to leave the orange juice?" Rachel shook her head and thought about all the calories in that one cup and she watched the woman nod before closing the door. She gets out of bed and runs to the bathroom, looking around for scales. She could feel hot tears falling down her face, forcing her hand into a tight fist when she couldn't find any. She quickly ran to the mirror and pulled up her top, she looked fatter already.
Rachel couldn't be with Kurt if she carried on eating.
Rachel couldn't be with Finn if she stopped eating.
There was no winning, there was only losing.
~ .. ~
Her days are spent in bed, and she keeps losing weight. Every single time she is weighed by her mom, she sees the look of sadness and disappointment on the woman's face. She sighs, looking away, nothing is going right. She tries to eat, she tries to please her and everyone else but it's impossible. It's too hard, sometimes she wakes up and thinks about her weight every second of the day, others she woke up and thought about Kurt. Whatever she thought about, it was all the same, it's all about dying and being weightless, she thinks about nothing else. No one else.
It's gotten to the point where she never leaves her bed, she can't even move. She can't cry. Everything is too much energy, every day she dies a little more. Every day a new wrinkle appears on her mother's face, every day one more sparkle leaves her eyes. And Rachel knows it's her fault, she was making it all worse. She thinks about how much better it would be if she died, it would be so much better for all those who come into contact with her, for those who cared about her.
"It's a small bit of soup, please." She can hear the desperation in the woman's voice and she nods slowly, letting the woman put the spoon in her mouth and she turns away to cry softly before swallowing it. "A few more spoons." Rachel just shakes her head, shaking badly as she begs the woman not to feed her anything else.
"Please.." She whispers gently, and Rachel cries harder this time, hating this. It had been two whole weeks since she arrived, she was getting close to this woman when she had never wanted to. She didn't want someone else to miss her when she was gone, not wanting to make someone else cry. She pulled away and turned away from Shelby, not wanting to hurt her. She sighed, and Rachel hears the door bell ring.
She hears Shelby take the long trip downstairs – something Rachel had yet to make – and open the door. She sighs when she hears her dads voice and she makes the effort to leave the bed, not wanting him to think she was being lazy or weak. She slowly leaves the room that she hasn't ever left before, and she stares down the steep steps before making her way down there.
She looks down at the two people who seem to care about her so much, wondering where her daddy is as the two people argue at the bottom of the stairs, not seeing her come down. "She should be in a hospital."
"She's doing alright."
"No she's not.. you told me on the phone that she can barely move.. she's lost too much weight. I'm taking MY daughter now." She watched as Shelby put a hand on his arm to stop him from coming upstairs but he's seen her standing there, tears running down his face.
"How could you let this happen? I thought you wanted to help her!" She could see the anger in his face and she looks to Shelby for some help but instead, the woman looks at the floor and whispers something Rachel can't make out.
"She's trying, dad.. I'm not trying." Rachel realizes how weird it feels to speak now, her voice not sounding the way it used to.
"You're too thin..." He muttered, taking a step towards her but Rachel took a large step back.
"She won't let anyone touch her." Rachel looked over at Shelby but she turned away from her daughter, "I am trying my best."
"Well, maybe your best isn't good enough. You think you can help, Shelby.. I know that but she needs professional help." Rachel shook her head at the same time as her mother, and the woman grabbed her arm and the tiny girl hid behind the stubborn but broken woman.
"You're not taking her, not yet.. give me another week."
"No, there is no more time. She could be dead.." He came towards his only daughter, but she moves away once more, not wanting to leave.
"Don't make me go.. p-please." Tears stream down her face as she speaks but he shakes his head, just as stubborn as she is,
"I will be back with an ambulance." Rachel starts to shake as she watches him leave the house and Shelby wraps her arms tight around the girl. They both cry together, holding onto the other as though they were a life line. "I don't want to go back.."
"You need to try harder then, Rachel." She nods and sighs; knowing that sometimes, the words are easier said than they ever are to do.
~ .. ~
Leroy
I walked out of that house and shook my head, tears of anger falling down my face. I wiped them away before anyone could see them and I carry on walking. My baby girl, my only child, was dying and there was nothing I can do about it. I know putting her into a hospital is not going to help much but at least they can force her to put on weight. Shelby can't, I cant, my husband can't, Finn can't.. no one can.
I love her so much, I never thought this could happen to my baby girl, my beautiful star. She was so strong, brave, she never let anything effect her before. I don't know what happened to that loving, beautiful, strong girl, I don't know where she went and I don't know how to get her back.
I sigh as I continue walking, I need to get her out of there. I know Shelby wants to help but Rachel just.. she doesn't want help, from anyone, nobody can help her. If she doesn't want to eat, she won't. There's still my stubborn darling in there, I just have to find the rest of my daughter.
I finally get to the house, and I put my head down as I walk in. Hiram works all the time, not able to handle this whole thing as he buries himself in paperwork. It feels empty now, so lifeless since this whole dark secret revealed itself to us. Rachel was the one thing we loved so much, other than each other and if anyone were to happen to her, neither of us would be able to cope. She's our everything, the reason we both get up and work so hard in the morning, the reason we smile.. well, used to smile.
I walk into her bedroom and smile at the photographs that cover one wall – all of her and Finn, her friends from Glee and New York. There's one of me, my husband and Rachel when she was about ten years old – she's grinning wide, sitting on my lap and some tourist had taken it for us. We were on a beach, somewhere that Rachel always loved to be. There was another of us, but it was of me holding her when she was baby.
I stare at them all, one by one, there was a time when she was happy, a time when she didn't care about weight, a time she could smile with ease and laugh without thinking about it. There was a time..
I shook my head, I couldn't think about it any longer, I couldn't think of her dying and I couldn't think about how happy she used to be because she isn't anymore and I didn't know it early enough. I could have helped her, I was so blind to the needs of my only child that I didn't see her pain. I couldn't understand what she meant by a diet, I never thought she needed to go on one. But I let her anyway, I thought, well she's a teenager, they diet all the time. She will be fine.. but it turned out she's not fine. She's not okay, she is dying and there is nothing I can do to help her.
I just want to be her dad, I need Hiram to be her daddy again. I need to be here but I can't stand to look at her and see her like this. When I saw her today, she's lost at least a stone since I last saw her, she was pale and it terrified me to see her protruding cheekbones. She was just this.. thing in my daughter's body, and I have to get rid of it and if it means sticking her in hospital, then I will because I love her and I don't want her to die. I can't let her die.. it's not natural; the parent should die first. Rachel will not be another statistic, I won't allow it.
I love her. And I will not give up on her yet.
~ .. ~
"That was your dad on the phone," Shelby walked into the sitting room where Rachel was laying on the couch because she hadn't had the energy to walk up the stairs. She shook her head and looked at the woman confused, "He's phoned the hospital, they are sending over an ambulance."
Rachel shakes her head, "No way." She gets up, a sudden burst of energy and started to walk up the stairs. Her whole body shakes but she ignores it, focusing through the pain. She could see the tears in her mother's eyes as she grabs her arm, she could see how weak they both are now.
"Where are you going?"
"Anywhere.. away from the doctors, away from my dads and away from you."
"Rachel.." She grabbed the girl as she tried to walk off again, turning her around to face her,
"No! Shelby, don't you see.. I want everything as it was before.. I want Kurt here. I want to be happy, I want to be healthy, I want to be able to eat but it's all gone. Kurt is dead, I can never be happy and I just.. there is this voice in my head.. all the time, always telling me not to eat. Always telling me to be thin, I have to control myself all the time. I can't handle all this, I want Kurt back but I can never have him back. I want my life back but I can't have that back. I don't deserve happiness, Kurt is gone and it's my fault. I don't deserve to recover, I don't deserve to live."
Shelby looked down, letting go of the girls arm as she shakes her head, watching the girl walk off into the bedroom she had been staying in for the past few weeks. Rachel couldn't stay any longer, she wiped away the tears and walked past the mirror and grabbed a suitcase that her dads had brought over with her clothes in. She wasn't going to be here when they came and got her, she wasn't going back.
"Rachel, please don't leave." She came into the bedroom, trying to put her arms around her but Rachel just pushes her away, like she pushes everyone away.
"I'm not going back there. I can't do it. I don't deserve to be there, it's for people who need help. It's for people who want it. I don't need or want it. I'm not going there." She shivers and grabs a jacket, putting it on and grabbing the suitcase. "I'm not going to be here when they arrive." She walks out of the bedroom only to be stopped by Shelby once more but she gives her a warning look and the woman lets go.
"Do you want to die, Rachel?"
"Yes, I do.. Kurt didn't have to die, it should have been me."
"Fine.. I'll let you walk out of here because.. I've tried so damn hard with you. I can't help you if you want to slowly kill yourself. I can't do this anymore, so walk out that door and you can be alone forever. You can die alone like you want." Rachel shook her head and ran down the stairs, I want to die, I know I do. I have nothing to live for, I have nobody to be with. I was the one who should have died that night, I should have spared Kurt, I should have spared his family the grief. It's my fault, so I should want to die.
She closes her eyes when she reaches the door, dropping the suitcase as she lets the tears fall before sliding down onto the floor. She can hear Shelby run down the stairs and then her arms around her but she still doesn't move. She can smell her perfume as she cuddles the woman.
"I don't want to die." She finally cries, moving so she can wrap her arms around her mother.
"I don't want you to die either, and Kurt doesn't either." She nods and lets her head rest on the woman's shoulder,
"I will try.. I don't want to die, I want to live.. I want to be happy again. I will try, I promise." Rachel whispers as Shelby kisses her forehead and tilts her chin up, "Soup?" Rachel just nods and stands up, walking with the woman to the table, slowly sliding down onto a chair.
She stares at her mom as she cooks and bites her lip, remembering a time she she loved food. When she would eat a lot – she always watched her diet but she was a dancer, she still ate loads. She remembered when she didn't think of calories or fat, just about health. It seemed like a long time ago and she wanted to get back to that again. She wanted to be able to think of other stuff, she didn't want to only be thin and only want to die. She wants to have a life, she wants to be happy. It's a moment of realization as she thinks about Finn, and how they want to get married and have kids, naming her first son Kurt after her best friend who lost his life to such a horrible disease. It hits her hard, and she can't believe it, as though a weight has left her shoulders.
She smiles when Shelby places the soup in front of her, sitting down next to her so she can lift the spoon into a still too weak Rachel's mouth. She closes her eyes tight, I can do this, I know I can, I have to recover. If not for myself, but for those who love me.
"Ready?" Rachel nods and smiles at the woman she now trusts more than anyone else, opening her eyes and swallowing the warm soup, "It's not too hard, is it?" Shelby looks uncertain but smiles when Rachel nods,
"No.. it's not. I can do this." She watches her mom get another spoonful and put in her mouth and it's not too long until the bowl is finished. And for the first time, Rachel feels a swell of pride when she notices the bottom of the bowl, it's the first time she's been proud in such a long time. And she can see the pride in Shelby's eyes, too.
"Thank you so much." She whispers to her mom, squeezing her hands tightly. It's a few moments of silence before Rachel opens her eyes and looks at her mom, "I know Kurt is happy now, I know he is looking down on me and thinking about how brave I am.. I know he wants me to be safe."
They both jump when the door slams open, and Rachel looks up to see her dad and Finn coming into the house. Shelby looks up at them, too and pulls away to walk towards them. Rachel just stares at the empty bowl in front of her, hoping one of them would notice what she had done and then change their minds so she could stay with her mom.
"We are going to take Rachel now." She hears her dad say, and she shakes her head, not bothering to wipe away the tears that fall down her face. She looks up to see Finn, who is just staring right at her, and she looks down at the bowl in the hope he would follow her eyes.
"Please Leroy.. I got her to eat.. please, she can do this." Shelby was pleading, it was not a voice usually heard on the coach, but here she was, begging for him to let this continue, to let her help Rachel.
Rachel feels someone by her side as she closes her eyes tight and she looks up to see Finn standing by her side, "I don't want to go back there." She whispers to him, smiling as he nods before she stands up and wraps her arms tight around him as he did the same to her. "I don't want to die, Finn.. I will try so hard.. please believe me."
"I do believe you.. I love you." She pulls away to look him in the eyes, feeling herself blush as she stares into those trusting eyes. "I love you too." She whispers before looking over at her dad and her mom, both of them arguing loudly,
"Please make them stop." Finn nods and lets go of her, walking over to Rachel's dad, putting a hand on the man's shoulder,
"Maybe we should give them one more chance. One last chance."
"Look at her, Finn.. she's wasting away." He pointed towards Rachel who walks over to them slowly,
"Dad.. I don't think I need to go back there." He grabs her arm gently, tears in his eyes,
"You do.. look at you. You will die."
"No, dad.. this is my problem, my responsibility.. and I am the only one who can deal with this. I don't need Doctors, I don't need you and I don't need anyone else. This is all on me now, I realize it finally. I don't need a hospital to get better, I just need to believe in myself."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying, that you or anyone else cannot save me. I am the only person who can save me." She smiles when he hugs her, "I just want you to be okay again, baby girl. I want our bright star back."
"I will be back soon, I can promise you that." Finn grins at her and winks, and she laughs gently, shaking her head. "It will all be okay." She assures them both, moving over to Shelby and cuddling into the woman – glad she has finally found the mom she always wanted.