Chapter II
What Could've Been
Fiona approached Benjen and they stood for a long time, staring at each other. A look of both shock and stoic reaction was somehow on both of their faces and then a smile broke out on Benjen's face and Fiona's eyes filled with tears.
"Long have been the days and nights I have dreamt of looking upon your beauty again," Benjen said softly. He cupped her cheek with his hand and ran his thumb across her lips. It was as if he was dreaming and searching for a way to prove to himself it was reality.
Fiona smiled through her flood of tears and said, "It is wonderful to see you again, Benjen. Thirteen years, is it?"
Benjen chuckled and said, "It has felt like an eternity."
"It has," Fiona agreed. "I was hoping I would see you here, but I thought it was a fool's hope."
"Ned wrote to me and asked if I could come for the arrival of the King, but I did not know that you would be coming."
Fiona smiled and said, "Robert would not go anywhere without me. I am his most trusted advisor. He came to me first to ask if I thought he should make Ned the new Hand."
"So that is why he came all this way? To ask Ned to be the Hand?"
Fiona nodded. "I told him Ned would be a good Hand for him, and I warned him to heed his advice. Robert has . . . changed a lot over the years."
Benjen watched Fiona's expression change to a grim one and then cried, "My dear Fiona! Let us not talk about saddening things on this joyous reunion. There is to be a feast! May I be the one to escort you into the hall?"
Fiona smiled. "I would have it no other way, my lord. But I must change into a more suitable dress."
"As you wish, fair lady," Benjen said, taking her hand for the first time in thirteen years.
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The time to enter the feast came later in the evening. Fiona had changed into an even lovelier red dress and she trekked over to the entrance hall of the castle. There she met Benjen, who had bathed and shaved, and was looking dashing in a black velvet cape. Fiona had never seen him looking so refined. She supposed age made him more distinguished.
He greeted her warmly and said, taking her hand, "You look ravishing, my lady."
She blushed and giggled and then, realizing how stupid she was acting, cleared her throat and replied, "You look very handsome yourself, my lord."
Benjen smiled in return and, noticing that most everyone had filed into the dining hall, took her arm and led her to her seat at the high table. He sat down next to her as she took her seat; Tyrion Lannister sat on her other side. He leaned over to say softly, "Every man's eye is upon you, my lady. You look rather beautiful tonight."
Fiona smiled and said, "Thank you, Lord Tyrion. You look fine tonight, yourself."
Tyrion smiled sardonically and turned back to his brother, Jaime, and resumed their conversation. Fiona turned to Benjen and saw him watching her intently.
At her quizzical look, he said, "I am sorry. I just missed seeing you smile and laugh as you did all those years ago." And then, seeming to grow solemn, he said softly, "I missed you so, Fiona."
Fiona placed her hand on his, which lay beside his plate and said, "I missed you too, Benjen."
Benjen poured them both wine and they loaded their plates with food and laughed as they ate. Benjen told Fiona of life on the Wall. By the sound of it, life there was dreadful.
"It is always snowing," he was saying, "and it is frightfully cold, but you know, I do not mind. The Starks were made for the cold, remember? I told you that when we lived in the South together."
"Yes, I remember that." Fiona laughed. "I also seem to remember that the Starks built their castle over hot springs."
Benjen smiled. "Can we change the subject?" he asked, a little grudgingly.
Fiona smiled innocently at him, like she used to whenever he was annoyed or irritated with her. And as he always used to, he forgot what had just transpired.
"So, tell me," he began eagerly, "what is life like in the Red Keep, in the South where it is always sunny?"
Fiona pondered how best to describe it. After a moment of thoughtful silence, she blurted out, "It is too busy and overcrowded and I can't get a moment's peace."
Benjen stared at her for a moment and then burst out laughing. "That sounds worse than the Night's Watch," he cried. "Oh, my dear Fiona . . . If only I could have built you a cottage, like I promised you, and we could have lived out the rest of our lives in peace."
Fiona's expression grew grim and sad and she turned her attention to her plate of half – eaten food.
Benjen, recognizing this as a moment to give Fiona space, left the high table and walked over to one of the servants' tables, where Jon Snow sat.
Fiona watched as he talked to Jon. And she watched as his face grew somber and Jon's grew defiant. She heard Jon's voice rise as he stood angrily.
"I will never father a bastard! Never!" Many people in the hall quieted and stared at him. He stumbled (he must have been quite drunk) and left the feasting hall. Fiona saw Benjen get up from where he sat and slowly walk out of the hall. She turned to Tyrion and asked, "If my brother asks, will you tell him I went to bed?"
Tyrion nodded in answer sheepishly. It'sawonderdwarvescandrinksomuchwine, Fiona thought as she got up and followed Benjen's steps outside.
She found him by the fountain in the middle of the courtyard. He was sitting on the edge of it with his head in his hands. He seemed to be crying despairingly as she approached him.
"Benjen?" she said timidly.
He looked up and she saw his face tear streaked and his eyes blotted.
"I fear that I've caused someone to ruin their life," he said gruffly and embarrassed.
"What do you mean?" Fiona asked as she came and sat down next to him.
He turned to her looking remorseful and struggled to say it.
"Jon wants to join the Night's Watch."
Fiona was not really surprised. She thought he might ask Benjen when she saw him talking at the table.
"You don't think he should?" she asked.
Benjen looked at her, shocked. "Of course not! It ruined my life; I don't want it to ruin his."
Fiona pondered how best to explain Jon's position. "Benjen," she began, "when you were sentenced, what were you giving up?"
Benjen sat in silence for a moment and then said mournfully, "You."
"What would Jon be giving up?"
"His family, his place here in Winterfell."
"Does he really have a place here?" Fiona asked testingly. "Jon's a bastard, a highbornbastard. Everyone looks down on him. Do you really think he feels like he belongs? Yes, Ned brought him here to raise him, but Robb is his heir. Robb is the one that is going to get all of Ned's attention. Jon is just an outcast."
Benjen pondered these words and then asked, "But why the Night's Watch?"
Fiona looked at him for a moment and then said, "You told me the Night's Watch was a band of brothers. You also said all the boys that go there are criminals: rapers, thieves, and some are just misunderstood. Well, I think a bastard would fit in well with them. Jon will probably make a lot of good friends. And as the son of the Lord of Winterfell, he will be a leader himself. I think he will do well there."
Benjen sighed and said, "You're probably right. But I don't want to tell Ned he should let Jon go. I'd feel as if I'm meddling with fate."
"Then tell the maester, Luwin. Isn't he one of Ned's advisors?"
Benjen nodded. "I'll do that. Maybe tomorrow. I am tired now." He chuckled and asked Fiona, "Would you like me to escort you to your chambers?"
Fiona smiled and said, "Yes, that would be lovely."
They got up and Benjen offered her his arm. Fiona took it and they strode across the courtyard, in the direction of the bedchambers. A strong gust of wind blew against them, making Fiona shiver violently. Benjen started and took off his cloak, handing it to her. "The Starks were made for the cold," he said as he grinned at her. He wrapped the cloak around her shoulders, and wrapped his arm around her as well. An instant sensation of warmth spread through Fiona. It felt so good to feel her love's touch again.
They came to the door of her chamber. Benjen made to bid farewell, but Fiona stopped him. "Come inside," she said, opening the door. Benjen followed her inside.
"Thank the gods! The serving girl put hot bricks in my bed." She flung off Benjen's cloak and made for the wardrobe, where her bedclothes were.
Benjen picked up his cloak and said, "I guess I'll be leaving now. I'll see you in the morning?"
Fiona looked at him and her smile faltered. "Don't you want to stay the night?"
Benjen looked rather embarrassed and said, quite uncomfortably, "Well, I, uh, thought, maybe, another night would be better . . ."
Fiona stared at him for a moment, and then burst into tears. Benjen, unsure what to do, dropped his cloak, rushed over to her, and took her hands in his.
"Fiona! Don't cry! I didn't mean anything by it!" he exclaimed as she sobbed uncontrollably. After unsuccessfully trying to console her, he took her into his arms.
"What are you doing?" she asked weakly into his shoulder.
He kissed her forehead and said lovingly, "I don't want you to cry."
She looked up at him with red eyes.
"Fiona," Benjen said, without planning how to say it, "I am truly sorry. I was stupid, I know and-" he cut off, as he choked on tears coming. "I ruined both our lives. I told you I'd marry you, build you a house that we'd live in together and our children could grow in. But that dream faded because of me. I'm so sorry, Fiona. I've never been at peace with it, I guess because I've been waiting for you to forgive me. I love you, Fiona. Forgive me." He said the last two words pleadingly. Fiona looked up at him and said, without meaning the words, "I forgive you, Benjen. Do not blame yourself." She bowed her head and Benjen took her chin in his hand and wrenched it upwards to plant one of his amazing kisses on her lips. It was a passionate kiss, one that they both had not experienced for 13 years.
"I've missed you, Benjen," Fiona breathed into the kiss.
"I've missed you too, Fiona." And with that, he shoved her atop the bed, where they shared the most romantic night of their lives.