My Kingdom - chapter 2
by rose_malmaison
Rating: FRAO
Genre: Slash, DiNozzo/Gibbs
Warnings: M/M, slash, sexual situations, language

A/N: Comments and feedback are appreciated.

*** Chapter 2 ***

Tony kicked himself for coming down to Autopsy in the first place. He should have known, even before he set foot in this room, that the conversation was going to go this way. He'd let his guard down because he needed someone to talk to, and Ducky was the next best person after Gibbs.

It took a long moment for Tony to decide that he had to confide in the doctor. The decision was easier than getting the words out though. He nodded and cleared his throat. "Jethro shared some things with me." He gave a short laugh. "He doesn't say much but when he opens up, he sure lets it all out. He told me about Shannon and Kelly, and how they died. How they were murdered." Shut up, DiNozzo, before you let anything else out.

Jethro told him after they had a physical workout in bed. It was one of those rare times when Jethro was half-asleep yet wanted to talk. He started slowly, each word spoken as if it was weighty, a difficult obstacle around which he had to maneuver with great care. But once he began, the floodgates opened and the whole story spilled out, along with anger and bitter pain at the loss of his wife and child.

That had been one of the hardest things Tony had ever had to witness - his boss, his lover, breaking down as if his entire world had been torn out of his grasp, as if there was no salvation to be found anywhere. As if life wasn't worth living if he couldn't share it with them. Tony had done everything he could to ease Jethro's soul-eating agony. He had held him and soothed him as best as he knew how. He'd seen him through the pain, had been so much a part of it he'd felt the wrenching loss himself.

But since then Tony sometimes wondered if he got himself killed would Gibbs would feel half as much pain at his loss?

Tony pushed the memories away and met the doctor's eyes once again. "You know Gibbs doesn't talk about the kind of things most people might think of as being important. Like the way he never said anything about being awarded the Purple Heart. You know what he's like about that kind of thing." Tony shrugged. "It's just his way."

"I thought I knew everything about Leroy Jethro Gibbs, but apparently I was wrong." Ducky's words were accompanied by a small shake of his head. "And our dear Director is somewhat nettled that she's been left in the dark over Jethro's past. As soon as I returned from talking to Captain Gelfand at the hospital earlier, Jenny called me upstairs for a little tête-à-tête. I do believe she was trying to wheedle information out of me about Gibbs. I had little to impart, really."

Ducky didn't seem very fond of Jenny lately, and he was quite protective of Gibbs. No, he wasn't going to give her any information unless he absolutely had to. "You won't tell her I know, will you, Ducky? About Gibbs' family, I mean."

"Of course not. Everything said between these tiled walls is just between the two of us, my boy." He eyed Tony with interest. "But you didn't come down here at this time of night to share secrets about Gibbs' past with an old man, did you?"

For the longest time Tony didn't speak, but the ME waited patiently. Eventually Tony inhaled deeply and then asked, "Will his memory come back?"

"It's hard to say. Possibly, in fits and starts."

"If Gibbs doesn't remember…any of us… If he doesn't remember what we mean to each other…I mean, that we're…friends…" Shit, this was damned hard to get out. "Is he going to react to things the same way, Ducky? Have the same feelings? Is he the same person? I mean, it's amnesia, not like his body's been invaded by an alien or anything. He's not a shell of a man with nothing inside."

Ducky saved him by saying, "You're asking me if emotional memory is still present and accounted for, despite the everyday memories going missing?"

Tony nodded.

"Mmm. Hard to say. In some cases, patients lose their personal identity even though they are able to learn new information and perform everyday functions normally. That isn't what you want to hear, though, is it? There is a theory that one can prompt a patient with dissociative amnesia with memories that resonate strongly, by literally shocking him into remembering."

Tony hung on every word Ducky uttered, trying to find some hope hidden in the medical terms that scared the shit out of him. What if Gibbs was no longer Gibbs? What if he not only didn't remember the people from his past, but also didn't care about them - couldn't form the same attachments?

God, he hoped Gibbs' personality hadn't changed due to his concussion. Tony had come to rely on his boss's blunt nature and sarcastic asides. The stern words and reprimands, and the underlying knowledge that Gibbs cared about him, was what kept him in line. Kept him centered. It was like being addicted to a bad habit that was unpleasant yet familiar. Who knew what Gibbs' personality was going to be like, now he'd emerged from his coma?

But the ME seemed to understand what Tony was worrying about and hastened to assuage his concerns. "Anthony, from what I saw of Jethro's reactions when he initially awoke, and what Jenny told me, he is the same man. He's still Jethro. He has lost time, a good chunk of his history, and he is presently caught up once again in the loss of his wife and child. It seems to me that Jethro has been suppressing his anger - and his grief - for many years and…well, it has finally caught up with him. I doubt he can think much past that stage of his life at present."

Tony slumped in his chair and lowered his head to his hands. He thought - he'd assumed - that Jethro was past that. Sure, sometimes he seemed angry on the surface, but it was a smokescreen. Or it was mostly. Gibbs wasn't really that bad once he'd put his feet up and relaxed at the end of the day. Tony knew that much first-hand. If the people they dealt with every day at work and out in the field knew how tender and considerate, how full of humor and downright sexy Gibbs could be, they'd be shocked. "I thought he'd come to terms with their deaths, Ducky."

Ducky touched the younger man's shoulder. "He's only just come out of a coma, my boy, and is confused and probably quite afraid. He's barely had time to catch his breath. Tomorrow Captain Gelfand is bringing in another specialist and they'll be able to give us some better answers."

Tony nodded, knowing in his heart that Ducky wasn't just feeding him a line. He couldn't imagine Gibbs being scared of anything, not the Gibbs he knew, but maybe the amnesia had wiped out his usual defenses.

Ducky said persuasively, "Tomorrow morning, when they assess Jethro, you should be there. The neurologists will want to talk to you. Perhaps you can prompt him with some personal memories…"

Tony's head came up in surprise. "Me? You think I should be there?" Now why would Ducky think that? There was no way Gibbs had told anyone about their relationship. Not even to Ducky. They'd agreed to keep their affair to themselves for the time being, both to keep it out of their workplace and to savor their time together in privacy. Tony didn't mind who knew about it, but Gibbs had stiffened the first couple of times the subject came up and Tony had taken the hint. No way would Jethro have told anyone they were fucking on a regular basis. Tony said slowly, "You've known him longer than me. You should be the one."

Ducky shook his head in disbelief. "You think I don't understand how close the two of you are to each other? That I can't see? Oh, Anthony," he said with a soft laugh. "My dear, I'm not so old that I can't see love when it's right under my nose."

Tony stared at the ME. Ducky knew? He knew! But they'd been so careful. Shit, Gibbs was not going to be happy about this. He'd blame Tony for letting the cat out of the bag. Appalled, Tony asked, "Am I that obvious?"

"No, not at all. I'm a wee bit more observant of human nature than some. You've done nothing out of line, or unseemly. But you misunderstood what I was saying. What I meant was that I could see that Jethro was in love."

Tony stared open-mouthed at the ME for a minute. His mind raced and his heart pounded. "Jethro? You think he's in love with…?" Of all things, Tony had not imagined that Jethro felt that deeply about him. They were close, he knew that much, and they enjoyed some intense physical pleasure, but Tony never envisioned Jethro being able to feel that way about him. Was it really possible that Jethro more than cared about him? For a moment Tony's heart soared at that possibility but then he came back down to earth.

It was a relief, in a way, that Ducky knew they were involved. Until that moment, Tony hadn't realized how difficult it had been to hide something so important from friends. "I'm glad you know, Ducky," he said softly. "He didn't want anyone to know."

Ducky made a small sound in the back of his throat. "If you need anything, advice about anything… Not that I'm an authority on relationships. But I am here if you need me," Ducky offered. "Come to me and we'll talk."

"Thanks, I will," Tony said, meaning it. He ran a hand through his hair in an impatient gesture. "What should I do about Jethro? If he doesn't remember me, or about us, should I tell him when I go to the hospital? Should I let him figure it out on his own? I mean, when he gets back home he's gonna see my stuff lying around, anyway. He'll wonder who that second toothbrush belongs to, the Marilyn Monroe one that glows in the dark, you know?"

Ducky laid a calming hand on Tony's arm. "Anthony, it's all right. After you speak to him tomorrow, you can reassess the situation. There will plenty of time to put your personal things out of sight, if that's the best course of action. Then you can tell him what he means to you, gently, when he's stronger, more grounded." Tony nodded and Ducky continued, saying, "When the Director asked Jethro for information about this terrorist fellow…"

"Pinpin Pula."

"Yes. When Jethro couldn't remember what he knew was of the utmost importance, it was as if he hit a wall. He went into complete denial. He said he didn't know who Agent Gibbs was. He didn't want to know who Agent Gibbs was, either. It's not because he doesn't care for us, my boy. According to what Dr. Gelfand and I surmised, Jethro has reverted to a time when he was still in deep mourning. He is presently suffering over the loss of his wife and little girl, as if it happened only recently, and he is very angry with himself for not being able to do anything to prevent it." After a slight hesitation, he asked, "He sought the man who was responsible, didn't he?"

Tony studied the ME's features and saw nothing but compassion. "If he did…I don't think…I really doubt it helped much."

Despite Tony's vague response, Ducky nodded. "We are both acquainted with Gibbs enough to know full well he's not the kind of man to let anyone escape punishment for such a heinous crime. At the time, no doubt he thought that it that it would provide him with some final satisfaction. Retribution. But revenge rarely does satisfy the soul," he said sadly. "Now he needs to slow down and take the time to mourn the loss of his family. Once he's come to terms with it, he'll come back to us. I'm sure of that."

It wasn't what Tony wanted to hear, but it was what he'd expected. It did help to hear the ME say it aloud, though. Tony's cell phone rang. He flipped it open and said curtly, "DiNozzo," and then, "I'll be right there." He snapped the phone shut, glanced at his watch and rose quickly from his seat. "Thanks, Ducky. I need to get back to work."

"You come and see me, any time at all, my boy. I may not have the answers, but I'll do my damnedest to help you out. Help both of you."

Around midnight, when they'd exhausted all leads and couldn't do much more until the morning, Special Agent DiNozzo told his agents to go home and get some sleep. Director Shepard had said Gibbs could have no visitors, but Tony, being Tony, ignored the implied order and headed to the hospital in Portsmouth. He was damned if he was going to wait until the morning to see Jethro, and he sure as hell wasn't going to see him under the critical gazes of a team of neurologists who didn't know Gibbs from Adam.

It was a long drive but traffic was light, and Tony was glad to be away from the squad room and finally heading towards Gibbs' side.

It was no surprise that Captain Gelfand, when caught outside Gibb's ICU room just as he was about to go off-duty, was reluctant to let Tony sit with his patient.

"Agent DiNozzo, I can't allow anything to upset him." The doctor must have seen Tony's disappointment because he said kindly, "I have to warn you, he probably won't awake until the morning, between his concussion and the morphine we had to administer."

"Then there's no way I can upset him by just sitting in there." Tony kept his tone mild despite his urgent need to damn well be in there, just to see Jethro up close, to touch him, to simply be with him.

"I've called in another neurologist for a consultation and he'll be here in the morning. We may want to prompt Agent Gibbs' memory, but it should only be done under careful monitoring." Gelfand's voice softened with kindness. "If you come back tomorrow, after Dr. Mason and I have had time to assess him, we can see if Gibbs remembers…his recent past. You've known each other for a while?"

"We've worked together for five years," Tony replied quietly. He looked longingly towards Jethro's glass-walled room and thought how they'd been so much more to each other than co-workers during the past few months. When Tony turned back, he caught the doctor looking at him sharply. Even an idiot could sense he cared for Gibbs. It must have been the lack of sleep and all the worry that made him slip. He had to be more careful. Couldn't allow anyone to guess there was more to their relationship than boss and subordinate, or that kind of friendship that often binds people who worked in law enforcement.

Although Tony was practiced at camouflaging his emotions, especially where his relationship with Gibbs was concerned, he was teetering on a dangerous edge and close to exposing his true feelings. It was difficult to refrain from turning back to look at Gibbs once more. Tony felt the need to be with his boss overpower what remained of his good sense. "I'd like to see him," he said in a surprisingly calm voice.

"You know," Dr. Gelfand said slowly, "amnesiacs respond best to people who are close to them. Tomorrow-."

Tony looked straight into the doctor's gray eyes and said earnestly, "I'm running an investigation, so I won't be able to come back tomorrow. This is the only chance I've got to… We're a team. It's hard to see him like this. Look, I won't stay long. I won't disturb him. I promise," he added, summoning up his most charming smile.

Dr. Gelfand gave in.

*** end chapter 2 ***