Disclaimer- I don't own Victorious
AN- Kay sorry I haven't uploaded in a while but here you go :) Please Read and Review 3 thanks!
Oh and I'm not sure if I did mention this before but this whole story was inspired by a line in one song called Dance with the Devil by Immortal Technique. It's just many people ask me if I have ever been through something like this or how I happen to know so much about this type of things. And my answer to that is, no I have not been through any of this (very grateful for that). And I don't know so much about this topic, I just try to position myself in this type of situation. I try to feel what it would be like to go through something like this, though I am pretty sure that words can not explain how being raped truly feels like. And I apologize if my type of story offends anyone out there, I am not trying to make any damage at all.
That's all I needed to say so go ahead and enjoy this chapter please :) Thanks.
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. Jade's POV
Time keeps going by. The hands on the clock keep moving, they never stay still. The sound of the time ticking away bothers me. Tick. Tock. Tick.
Tock. My eyes can't seem to close. I was asleep for what seemed hours but were only minutes. My stomach keeps churning, the feeling of disgust
lingers inside of me. The sun is beginning to rise but I only wish it was still dark. So I would never have to get up from this bed. So badly I want to
fall asleep. But it is too late for that, yet it is too early to be up.
I tossed and turned, trying my best to hide from the dim light growing outside. I nearly had a heart attack when my phone began it ring. I felt
around for it, trying to shut the damn alarm clock off. Groaning I forced myself to get up and head to the bathroom. With my eyes barley opened, I
stumbled into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I glanced at my reflection, how disgusting I looked. Heavy bags under my eyes, hair in a
messy ponytail, baggy sweatpants with a baggy t-shirt. I kept my self focus, now is not the time to go all self-conscious on myself. I stripped down
and entered the shower. I soaked in the warm water. It relaxed all my body and my legs began to shake. This exhaustion will be the death of me.
But nevertheless, I am on a mission to get to Portland. And by all means I will get there. I need to get there. I could start listing all the reasons
why I need to leave again but its pointless now. While I was lying awake all night, I kept thinking about how much time I spend a day hollowing in
self pity. It's disgusting and pathetic of me. Yeah my life is crappy, but what ever. Who's life doesn't suck? Oh right,
Tori's...Cat's...Andre's...Robbie's. Well as far as I know, there life is drama less. As for Beck, I keep thinking he'll move on very fast but I know that's
not true. I know he loves me, but I wish he didn't. Look at what I'm doing to him, all this mess because of me- no! No, bad Jade! I am not going to
start that shit again. I'm sick and tired because all I do is keep complaining and keep remembering how every thing is my fault. I'm tired of being
tired all the time. I just want to be happy again. I'll admit, I wasn't always happy but at least I knew what it felt like. Time keeps going on and on
and each day I forget a little more on how it feels to be happy. I don't want to be sad forever. I need to move on...any way I can. Forgetting isn't
easy but it won't help if all I do is think about it. Even though I can hear a distant voice calling my name and wanting me to open up my inner
thoughts and remember all the damage I've done. Sometimes I think that I'll end up destroying myself. Sometimes I think that I'm never going to
be happy because I don't let myself be happy. I keep wanting and wanting but I never do anything to get what I want.
I snapped out of my thoughts when I felt only cold water hit my body. I must have used up all the warm water. I turned off the water and stepped
out. I dressed myself and got ready for more agonizing hours to come. I decided to drive until night came around. I have 11 hours until I finally get to my destination. But I want to get there tomorrow during daylight.
I grabbed my suitcases and went down to the lobby to hand in my key. I glanced at the clock on my way out, 8 a. m, it read. I ignored the look the
lady gave when I handed her my key. My bruise still hasn't faded but it doesn't hurt anymore. I put my things back in my car and drove off.
My body feels likes its on autopilot. I can't feel anything, really. I can see myself doing things but it feels like I'm not even doing it...does that even
make sense? I don't know nor do I care. All I need right now, is coffee. Something to finish waking me up. You know, some people say that it's
good to talk on your phone when you're driving and really exhausted. Ironic...I use to drive, tired but I would never call anyone yet I had multiple
people to call. Yet now that I'm tired and driving, I have no one to call. I should put this on the FML website and see how many people agree. It's also getting sad at my attempts to try not to think about all the shit that's happening in my life right now. I keep trying to rant on and on about
different things but my stupid mind is hard to escape from. There's just some things that you can't escape from. I know that by leaving, I'm only
making things worse. I should just turn around and go back home...I'd run into Beck's arms and cry silently, whispering to him that I am sorry for
everything. I would feel safe with him and ask him to elope with me... but lets face it, that's only a dream. More like a wish because wishes never
come true for me. Its funny how I can figure out a way to go back and make things better but I still keep driving on and on. I realized, back at the
hotel, that I could still have won the trial, regardless of all that just happened. I could have said the entire truth. I could have accepted the
consequences instead of running away like a coward. I know I am a coward, I should just go back and say everything that happened! But... I don't
want to go back. I know I shouldn't listen to James empty threats but he's not the reason I'm leaving. I'm using him as an excuse but truth is, I
want to do this. I want to leave and never go back. I want to run away and not face my problems. My mom use to tell me that I couldn't run away
for ever, that I had to face everything at one point. Well I don't know when that point is coming but until then I'm running. I don't give a damn
about facing my problems head on. I'm running. It's easier and better to run. James...he can win. I'm done trying and this time, there's nothing
anyone can say to me about it because I'm gone.
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. Beck's POV
I couldn't sleep at all last night. I've been wide awake, waiting for the others to arrive. Robbie and Andre arrived at my RV around 6:30am. The girls
are at Tori's house, waving good-bye to Tori's parents. They're on their way here. We're taking Robbie's grandma's mini-van.
"Hey, the girls are outside. Let's go." Andre said as he poked his head through my door. I got up from the couch and got my bags. When I went
out, the sun was much brighter then it was at 6:30. By now we would have been on the road but the girls decided to take a long time saying
goodbye and we wasted an hour with hugs and kisses. It would have been easier if I had gone by myself but Tori would have none of that crap.
I sighed and watched as the girls put their stuff into the back of the car. Andre grabbed my stuff and put it in the back as well.
"Alright, let's hit the road!" Andre said, a faint smile on his face. He got into the driver's seat, I got in the passengers seat, Cat and Tori slid into the
back seat and Robbie was on the last row. He needed all the space to himself because of his "claustrophobia" issue. We drove off, heading to San
Jose. That's our first destination. Tori went all stalker on Jade and found out that Jade's mom use to own a small orphanage. But it was shut down,
a couple years after Jade was born. Now its just an old building, but its still under the name of the West's. We think she might have been there.
But I can't concentrate on that. There's something inside of me that keeps growing bigger and bigger. I'm getting emptier and angrier. All I want to
do it have Jade in my hands and scream at her. Yell at her and ask her why she left. Did she not even think about me? She could have told me or
asked me to leave with her! She knows I love her, I told her every god damn day that I did! What did I do wrong for her to run away? I feel angry
at her and nothing but hatred at her right now. And it scares me. Why do I feel like this? I love her, I really and truly love her. I just don't
understand why I'm feeling angry and hateful towards someone I'm in love with. It drives me insane! I need to know where she is. I need to hold
her again. Without her, I am lost. Without her, I lose myself. What am I suppose to do?
"Beck?" Andre snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked at him and then glanced towards the back seats. Cat had her head leaning against Tori's
shoulder while Tori rested her head on Cat's head. They were asleep. I couldn't see Robbie because he was in the last row, the girl's seats were
covering him. But I assumed he was asleep too. I focused my attention back on Andre.
"What?" I asked quietly. He glanced at me for a quick second before turning his attention back to the road.
"Jade loves you, you know that right?" He asked. I opened my mouth to reply but I shut it quickly. D-does she love me? I...wait, how can I think that?
"Of course I do." I replied sternly.
"Are you sure?" He questioned again. I frowned at him.
"Yes I am sure." I said roughly. He took a deep breath in and out.
"You hesitated when I first asked you. If you were 100% sure, you wouldn't have hesitated." He explained.
"I am..."I whispered softly. He shifted before speaking again.
"You can't doubt that, not even for a second. Beck, she loves you. The reason she left is unknown. But I am positive that it was never her intention
to hurt you. We are going to find her, I will make sure of it. But you can't stop thinking that she loves you. If you let go of that...then you start
breaking. If you break, then we won't be able to find her. I know it must be hard for you but you're not the only one she left behind. Think about Cat and Tori." He paused.
"You think this doesn't effect them as much as it does to you. Cat has been with Jade since 3rd grade. Jade was the one who pushed all the bullies
away from Cat. They are best friends. They've been together longer than you and Jade. You and Jade met in 7th grade. And Tori...they never got
along at first. But that all changed. Look at all the things Tori did for Jade. She helped Jade move out of the darkness and helped her come forth of
her rape. They are hurting too, except Cat doesn't show it because she's use to being all sunshine and rainbows. Tori's the only one keeping us
together. She left all of us. Not just you, man." He finished.
I kept my eyes forward and kept quiet. What was I to say to that? He was right...I'm not the only one hurting. And what he said about Cat is true.
Cat never shows how she really feels, all she does is keep a smile on her face. She is an extremely talented actor and can fool anyone. That smile
of hers never comes off. Tori, well she's different. She shows her emotion but only on certain times. Yesterday, she broke down and cried. But she
forced her self to get back up and bring us all together again. Without her, we would be lost. She was the reason that Jade beheld the truth about
her rape. What would have happened if Tori had never found out? The things Jade could have done...I don't want to think about it. I just don't, its
too much right now.
My eyes began to close. They re-opened when Andre pulled over on the side of the road. Before I could react, he had gotten off and Robbie took
his place. He looked at me before starting the car again. He drove off and I didn't even fight to keep my eyes opened. I drifted off into a deep
sleep.
I'm not sure how much time went by but when I woke up, we were at the entrance to San Jose. And Robbie was still driving. I looked at my cell
phone and checked the time. It was 12:50, about to be 1 soon. I sat up and yawned.
"Hey..." I mumbled half asleep. I heard Tori and Cat giggle. I turned to them and when they saw me, they burst into laughter. My eyes went open
as I check in the front mirror to see my face. As I expected, they had written on me... I had, in big letters, "I AM A LOSER" on my face. I couldn't
help but to laugh at it. It was funny, I wondered how I could have slept through that.
"Very funny." I said jokingly at them. They smiled and handed me a water bottle and napkins.
"It's washable, don't worry." Tori said as she unwrapped a lollipop. I looked toward Cat and held out my hand.
"What?" She asked innocently.
"I want candy." I said smiling at her. Her face brightened up and she reached into her pig-purse-thing and took out a lollipop for me. She held on to
it until I cleaned my face. Then she gave it to me and I unwrapped it and stuck it in my mouth.
I turned around. My heart is still missing a beat and I'm still hurting. But if I keep thinking about it, I will become depressed. And if I'm too
depressed, how am I going to find Jade? We need to focus and how are we going to focus if we're all lost in our minds, thinking on all the
depressing things? We have each other, for now, and we might as well get close and try to have a bit of fun. That way we won't be so sad
anymore. Plus Cat gives out candy when she's happy...and I like candy too.
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OK I am done (: Well for this chapter at least. Read and Review s'il vous plait. Merci! And I apologize if this chapter didn't come out...good. Thanks! 3