Disclaimer- I do not own Victorious
AN- Ah! I finally am writing once again. I'm multitasking right now, just doing all my summer homework so I don't have to worry about it later (: So here you are, enjoy!
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. Jade POV
I still hadn't seen Beck, I stayed upstairs all day with Cat and Tori. We just talked about random things and for once none of that related to anything that has happened with me. By night fall, I was exhausted. I fell asleep to the feeling of suffocation, they were all feeling the need to smother me. Sleep is suppose to be a type of escape from your mind, so you can refresh your body. Yet when I woke up I felt more tired then ever. I dreamed about all the tears shed yesterday and about the unborn baby that never got to feel what is was like to have a life.
I opened my eyes and felt the sudden sting of the bright sun that darted into my eyes. As I sat up I looked at the clock. 8:19 a.m. I groaned realizing it was too early to be up. That's what I hate about myself. I sleep late but always wake up early! Ugh, I just want to wake up late one day. Well, there is no point of me laying here awake. I stood up and walked carefully towards the door so I wouldn't wake up Tori...and Cat? I thought she was sleeping in her fairytale tower. Hm.
I shut the door quietly and made my way downstairs. Everyone is still asleep form what I can tell, and knowing them, they'll be asking for breakfast so I'll make some food. It's the least I can do. Righ-
I froze when I entered the kitchen. His back was to me and he was cooking over the stove. I held my breath and began slowly moving backwards.
"I know you're there." He said as I was turning around. Where has my slickness gone? I turned back at him but his back was still towards me.
"What are you doing here?" I asked in an exhausted voice .
"Making breakfast." He replied. I let out a deep sigh and moved to the counter next to him.
"I mean what are you doing here? Why didn't you just stay back home?"
"Because you are my home."
"Please don't go all soft on me right now. It's too early in the morning." I said. Beck turned off the stove and turned to me. Before I could say anything, I was in his arms and I don't know why but I just burst out crying into his chest. He held me tighter.
"I'm so sorry." He whispered into my ear but I didn't want to think about it. I just want him to be back with me. I don't want to hate him. I could never hate him.
He waited until I calmed down. But even when I did, I still didn't want to talk about. It's just one of those things that it's better off pretending it never happened and just moving on.
"So what are you cooking?" I asked with a stuffy nose that made me sound sick. I pulled away from him and he only laughed.
"Food...but I burnt most of the pancakes." He mumbled under his breath. I could feel my eyes swollen from tears but I still managed to smile at him as I pushed him away and began making them myself. Beck was never much of a cook to begin with.
By the time we were finished, the kitchen was a mess and everyone else was beginning to wake up. Andre, Cat and Tori came down stairs.
"Mhm, something smells good!" I heard Cat speak while they were coming downstairs.
"I'm gonna go clean up. I'll be back." I told Beck. He nodded and gave me a small peck on my cheek.
I moved out of the kitchen and passed them. Confusion struck them three as they saw my hair in a messy bun, my shirt stained with pancake mix and a bit of flour on my face from when Beck let the flour fall on the floor. I waved as I passed by.
"Was she-" Tori's confused voice spoke.
"I think." Andre replied.
"But when did she get-"
"Don't know."
Their voices faded as I reached the top of the stairs.
"Hey- whoa... what happened to you?" Robbie asked as he came out of the room without his puppet.
"I made breakfast. I'm just coming to change. I'll be down in a couple of minutes, I really want some pancakes." I said.
"Oh! Yeah you'll be getting a lot of cravings because of your pregnancy. When my aunt was having her kid, she would have me run down to the stores just to get her food. But Beck has a car so he can just drive." He said with a smile but it soon faded when he realized what he had said.
"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean-" He began but I forced a small smile and shook my head.
"Don't worry. It's fine. I'm going to go change now." I told him as I moved past him and went into my room. I bit my lip and begged for tears not to come. I breathed through it and pushed my tears away.
It's ok, it's ok, it's ok. I kept reminding myself but truth is it's not ok.
"Jade, you did this. So deal with it." I told myself as I began to change into a different shirt and pair of sweatpants. I cleaned my face with my fresh wet paper towel and fixed my hair.
I made sure I had no signs of tears or sadness before I made my way downstairs with a fake smile.
"Hurry up Jade! We're waiting on you." Tori shouted as I came down the stairs.
"You didn't have to wait, you know." I said as I sat down next to her.
We began to eat and then we began talking. Nothing really happened. Although I could feel Robbie's eyes on me. I tried talking to him about his puppet and why he wasn't here. Robbie just gave a short reply. Three word reply. He's upstairs sleeping. He was more quiet then usual and I was not the only one who noticed it. I put all my money down on the table that it has to do with what he said to me in the hallway upstairs. He shouldn't feel bad, he forgot and I understand that. I mean, sure it did hurt like hell and it did feel like someone had just burst my moment of happiness bubble but it's nothing to feel...bad...about. After he spoke everyone else began to quiet down until no one was speaking.
I could begin to feel the silence start up. No one was speaking, only chewing and looking at their plates as if they were afraid to look at each other. I cleared my throat before speaking.
"So, um, we should go out." I began. I looked at Tori with pleading eyes that shouted help me out. She gave me a confused look at first but she finally understood what I meant.
"Y-yeah. We should explore the town and go to the beach." Tori spoke up.
"Beach! I love the beach. Lets go there first." Cat agreed.
We all agreed to get ready and meet up in half an hour. Everyone left to their rooms and I was heading to my room as well, when I saw Robbie stay behind and begin cleaning up. I took that time to break free from everyone else and followed him into the kitchen.
"You know I'm fine right?" My voice must have scared him because when the first word came out he shrieked in the most girlish voice I have ever heard, even I had a deeper scream than his.
"S-sorry. You- you um, scared me." He panted. I nodded and watched as he caught his breath.
"You know I don't really feel like going to the beach as much. I think I'll just stay here."
"Robbie, you can't just stay here the entire day."
"Oh no, not like that. I'll go out with you guys after you come back from the beach. I just don't want to go. That's all." His voice was calm and I rolled my eyes at him.
"Robbie, what's the matter with you? Is it because of what you said upstairs? Robbie I'm fine. It was a mistake, I get it. You shouldn't feel bad. I am fin-"
"Stop saying that, Jade!" He said looking right at me. I shut my mouth and just starred as he fidgeted with the end of his shirt.
"What's wrong? We both know you didn't mean to say it. It's not that big of a deal." I told him. He shook his head.
"But it is! It is a big deal and you know it!"
"No its not. Rob, I'm fine."
"Stop saying that!" He exclaimed. I jumped slightly at his all of the sudden deep voice.
"We both know you're not fine. I know you long enough to know that something is wrong with you. I know you have feelings Jade!" He began walking closer to me.
"I know I have feelings too...?" I was confused but he kept talking.
"You had a freaking abortion yesterday! And now you're here like nothing ever happened and you're all cheery now! No, Jade that's not fine. Especially after what I said up there. And you dismissed it! Just like that you brushed it off and put on your fake smile." He exclaimed. I looked around, hoping no one could hear him.
"Robbie-"
"H-how can you still say you're fine? I just don't get it." Robbie whispered. I sighed and leaned against the counter.
"Ok, fine. I'm not ok. But what do I do about it? What can I do? I can sit here and weep and just pity myself. Or I can just... move on." I told him. He looked at me with uncertainty.
"I know it makes me a bad person. Like you said, I had an abortion yesterday and the fact that I'm not sitting around and mourning over it just makes me feel like shit. But I can't give up my life for it. Yes, I should show more like I care. But I can't do that. I don't want to show that I care b-because if I care...if I care than I break down. And I am not going to break down anymore."
"You can at least...I-I don't know! It just got to me because it seemed like you didn't give a crap about a baby you killed. And I'm sorry, I really don't want to bring it up again because it was your choice to have it but I- it didn't seem right with me that I brought the topic back up and you ignored it like it was nothing."
"I do care, you need to understand that."
"I do."
"But you also need to understand that I am not going to spend my life crying for something that can never be fixed again." I said. He nodded and hugged me.
I couldn't help but to tense up when he touched me. I wanted to push him away but I didn't. This is Robbie I'm talking about. He would never hurt me. If I start to distrust the people that most care about me then what would I have left?
"Let's just go have fun. We came all the way here so we might as well just make it worth wild." He said shoving me slightly out of the kitchen. I smiled and headed up stairs to change.
Now I could act like it affected me and I could begin to cry. But I'll stay strong. I'm not going to break again, not for them to see. Its my turn to pick up after myself. As I opened the door, Cat and Tori were already done changing and just sitting on the couch talking.
"Hey. What bathing suit are you taking?" Tori asked when I walked in.
"Oh, I'm not wearing one. I don't want to get wet..." I said. Cat looked like she wanted to further talk about it but Tori nudged her softly.
"We'll wait downstairs." Tori said as she left the room with Cat.
I locked the door and closed the windows as I began to change into shorts and a t-shirt. I grabbed a random book on the shelf and went out the door. I walked downstairs and saw that everyone was already done there.
"Hey, the guys are just looking in the fridge for food to take." Cat said to me when she saw me.
We watched as they argued about what to take and what to leave behind. When Tori tried telling them to hurry up, they ignored her, apparently deciding whether to bring a cooler or not was more important to them.
"Guys! Seriously, the beach is not even 5 minutes from here! Can we just go?" Tori exclaimed.
"But-"
"But nothing! Look if we forget something we can just come back. God you guys take forever." She said already heading to the door.
Cat and I followed after her, the sun heating my skin as soon as I stepped outside. We walked to the beach silently, admiring the waves as we passed by. The hot sand sank into my sandals.
"How about here?" Tori asked as we finally reached the part of the beach that actually had a lot of people.
We nodded and began to set up our stuff. Beck put up the umbrellas and I laid my towel underneath it. After it was all set up, Tori and Cat dragged Robbie to the water after he told them he couldn't swim. Andre stayed behind with Beck and me. I picked up my book began to read, well at least tried to. I couldn't focus on the words, but I couldn't take my eyes off of them. Beck and Andre were talking about what to do after this for a while until Tori ran back, dripping with salty water, and dragged Andre into the ocean. I kept my eyes locked on the words and did my best to try to read. The words were as dull as can be. They had no meaning behind it, it probably would have meaning if I looked hard enough. Beck poked my arm and I jumped and let the book fall out of my hand.
"Sorry... you ok?" He asked. I nodded and picked up my book again.
"Yeah. Tired. I'm just tired." I answered. I looked around the beach. Some many families were scattered around, children building sand castle, some burying each other in the sand and... wait. No, it can't be him. It is? Axell? What is he doing here?
"Jade?" Beck's voice pulled me away from my thoughts.
"Hm?" I replied. I couldn't help but to glance back at Axell, he was standing in line for a soda stand.
"You're actin-"
"I"m going to get a drink. I'll be right back." I said as I got up and made my way towards Axell. I ignored Beck and hoped he didn't choose to follow me.
I stood behind Axell and coughed to get his attention. He glanced back and looked surprised to see me.
"Its you." He said.
"Hi to you too." I said. He smiled and greeted me properly.
"I see you made new friends." He began as he looked past my shoulder. I looked back and saw Tori, Cat, Robbie, Andre and Beck looking at us. Though when they saw us look at them, they looked away and pretended to not notice us.
"Starting over, eh." He continued. I shook my head.
"No, for once you are not right." I said.
"So I was right before?"
"Unfortunately." I mumbled under my breath. I could see his smile turn into a smirk. I'm not sure why but talking to him makes me feel... I'm not sure what he makes me feel. Maybe its because of his advise or maybe that he can see what I am?
"So my guess is that they came to you? Just like I came for my wife." He began. I nodded.
"This time, if things go bad, don't run. They look like good people."
"..." I wanted to say something but I shut my mouth before any words came out.
"Them being nice bugs you?" He asked uncertain. I looked away and shook my head.
"I don't know. They can just be... too nice."
"Then you try being nice and tell them what your hiding." He told me. I looked back at him.
"I've seen it in movies, plays, everywhere I go, that every time someone says others are being too nice is because they are just hiding something. And they want to piss everyone else off just so they won't have to tell them."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Go for it."
"How do you know all this? I mean, you don't even know me but you know so much."
"I told you, my wife had the same look as you. And experience. I've already been through all that pain with my wife."
"Do things get better?"
"Let me ask you something. Do you have a roof over your head?"
"Yeah."
"Do you have food to shove in your mouth everyday?"
"Yes..."
"And you want Better? How much better you asking for here? That guy over there must be you're boyfriend, the way he looks over here every 15 seconds and glares at me, hell I think if looks can kill well I just wouldn't be standing here. He came here, they all did. You're friends. They care. And you seem smart, if they came its because you are special to them. And for you to still wonder if things can get any better than that, well that's pretty dumb."
"You have a home, food and people that love you. Whatever happened, happened and that's in your past. Kid you have life ahead of you. Things will happen, it will get to you. But you have to decide whether it controls you or not." He explained.
He's right. I can't let this control me anymore. I have everything I need so why do I still feel like crap when I wake up?
"...you should be a therapist." I told him. He chuckled softly and ran his hand through his hair.
"Nah. I've been here for about... what 3 days and I'm already working in a bar. And a bartender gets paid a lot." He said winking afterwords.
"I think you best be going before you're boyfriend gets up. He looks like he can put up a fight. But stop by anytime at Marley's Bar if you ever wanna talk."
"Thanks, for everything."
"You're welcome. Now go and just enjoy your life the best you can." He told me. I nodded and waved to him as I headed back.
I tried to avoid Beck's eyes. He kept looking at me in a strange way and then at Axell. When I got there everyone was staring at me and it was hard not to look at any of them.
"Who was that?" Beck asked looking past me. I looked over to Tori.
"Uh.. .um, Cat, Andre, Robbie let's go get ice cream." She ordered as she dragged Cat away. The guys gave me one last glance before leaving.
"He's a friend. A really good friend and I was just surprised to see him so I went to talk to him."
"... you should have told me. I would have gone with you." Beck said. I sat down back in my spot and he joined me.
"I just needed to talk to him. I needed his help."
"You could have talked to me. Maybe I could have helped."
"Beck, I don't want to talk about this." I said firmly.
"Jade what ever it is, you can trust me."
"And have you run away?" I snapped. He sighed and turned away.
"I'm sorry..." He whispered. I held his hand and he looked at me.
"I know...lets just not talk about it,ok?" I whispered back. He shook his head.
"No, I want you to trust me. Whatever you told him, you can tell me. I don't want to be out of the loop again."
"Beck, it was nothing important. I just asked how his child was. Ok?" I lied. He stared at me for a while before putting his hands up in surrender. He is hand on my upper thigh and I tensed up. Even though I know its him... I just don't want anyone touching me. And I think he got the point when he jerked his hand away.
We stayed quiet and just sat together, looking at the waves. I jumped when I heard Cat's laughter as she sat down next to us. Tori and the rest sat down next to her and Tori handed me a Popsicle.
"So.. that guy you talked to, Axell is a really nice guy." Tori said. I almost choked on my ice cream.
"W-what? You meat him?" I asked worried.
"Yeah. In the ice cream line. He was standing with his adorable kid and we just started talking."
"About?" I interrogated her. She shrugged.
"Nothing really. Just how you guys met. He said you two met in a diner a while back ago. And ever since you've been friends." Cat told me. I nodded slowly.
"Why? Is there something you don't want us to know?" Tori questioned.
"No just surprised." I said too quickly which got me concerned looks.
They let it go and said nothing more. They began talking about what we should do next. Occasionally I would join in but I always ended up getting quiet again. Just enjoy my life. I think it's time to get rid of my fears.
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AN- And this it for this chapter :) This is actually the first chapter that took me a while to complete. I usually write my chapters in one day but this one I kept going for like a week! And guess what? I finished all my summer homework because I'm that much of a nerd xD. So no homework (except reading) which means quicker updates. I'm trying to make chapters long to get more details down. So hope you enjoyed it and review (: thank you for all who still follow my story and review. I really do love all who reads and review. You all just make me happy every time I see I have a new review :) Anyways thanks again.