A/N: I still have one assignment left to clear, but somehow I got fired up enough to write this chapter down, so I'll just post it because it'll be futile to stall the update, hoping to get more reviews from the previous chapters. Though I don't rely on numbers of reviews to update, I'd still appreciate some feedback, positive and negative alike. With everything being said, I'll leave you with the chapter and go back to cook up my last assignment.
XI
Ulquiorra turned around to face Grimmjow, who then let go of his elbow. Although they had spent most of their time together in the past weeks, it still felt as if they hadn't really looked at each other in the eye for quite some time.
After a long awkward silence and a raise of an eyebrow from Ulquiorra, Grimmjow sighed and lowered his head.
"Look, Ulquiorra, about everything that happened last week, I'm sorry."
A moment of silence passed as Ulquiorra blinked and gave Grimmjow a puzzled look.
"Why did you apologize?" The Cuarta Espada asked. "I thought I was the one who was in the wrong."
"Yeah, well I certainly gave you that impression, didn't I?"
Grimmjow closed his eyes and sighed. He had no doubt that in order to clear things up, it was going to be a long talk, and he would prefer not to have that talk in the middle of a hallway where anyone could come and go and overhear their conversation at any possible moment.
"Anyway, why don't you come in first?" the Sexta Espada suggested. "I'll explain everything."
With that, Grimmjow stepped away from the door and opened it a little wider so that Ulquiorra could come in.
Since his sole reason for being there was to try and reconcile with Grimmjow, Ulquiorra's only option was to do as Grimmjow had suggested. He might have written what he wanted to say in that letter he had given to the Sexta Espada earlier, but talking face to face was certainly a much better way to make up.
"Sorry about the mess," Grimmjow mentioned as he closed the door after Ulquiorra.
The Cuarta Espada took a quick scan at the room, taking in his surrounding. He might have stopped by at Grimmjow's private quarters for so many times, but it was the first time he was actually invited in and got to see what Grimmjow's room looked like on the inside.
Although Grimmjow had apologized for the mess, the room was much tidier than Ulquiorra had imagined. The wall was painted with black color while the floor was covered with dark gray tiles. Although there were downlights on the ceiling, they were all turned off, so the only source of light in the room came from the wide window that was partly blinded with a pair of ivory curtains. Next to the window were an ebony dresser and a wardrobe of the same color. In the middle of the room, set the black, king-sized bed with a white mattress and pillows. The bed appeared to be recently used as the white comforter was not straightened, but hung half on and half off the bed instead.
"You seem to like black and white color," Ulquiorra commented as he stopped after he took a few steps inside the room, uncertain as to where he should stand.
"And which color do you expect my bedroom to be, pink?" Grimmjow retorted.
"No. Pink seems more like Szayelaporro's color."
"So mine should be blue, then?" Grimmjow asked as he headed towards his bed and quickly straightened the coverlet.
"Many people associated you with it."
The Sexta Espada rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, right, I kinda get that already," he remarked as he pulled the comforter up to cover his bed and then turned to Ulquiorra. "Anyway, you can just sit on the bed."
Although Ulquiorra seemed hesitant, he still walked there and sat down.
While he knew that being alone in a closed room with Ulquiorra was already bad enough for his heart and that being alone in a closed room, in the same bed, even though they would only be sitting, would be even worse; Grimmjow didn't have a better place to seat himself, so he gingerly sat down next to Ulquiorra, although he did leave some space between them.
The room was filled with a silence that was almost deafening. Once again, Grimmjow did not look at Ulquiorra's face. Instead, he sat with his elbows propped on his knees and let his eyes focus on his interlaced fingers. The self-assured grin that usually adorned the man's face was nowhere to be seen.
"You said you were going to explain everything," Ulquiorra commented, breaking the silence.
"Yeah, I know," Grimmjow replied. "I'm still thinking of the best way to say it, and it ain't easy."
Thus Ulquiorra sat quietly and waited. It took another big moment until Grimmjow sighed before he looked up to stare at the dark wall in front of them.
"I guess I should start by saying that when I said I couldn't continue being your friend, I really meant it."
Ulquiorra winced at the sentence.
"Why did you bother to invite me in here, then?"
"I'm getting there, so will you just let me finish without any interruption? After that, you can ask whatever question you want?"
Although Ulquiorra wasn't happy with that response, he decided to give it a chance first, so he nodded.
Once again, Grimmjow sighed. Running his fingers through his unruly blue hair, he continued:
"To be completely honest with you, I never really intended to be your friend from the start. I was just too annoyed by your methods and decided to accept your friendship just so that you would stop with your strange ideas."
It was a hurtful thing to say, Grimmjow knew it, and he believed Ulquiorra knew it too, since the Cuarta Espada rose from the bed.
"If you're just going to insult me, I don't need to hear it," Ulquiorra stated.
He should have expected that much from Grimmjow. The man had always hated him, after all, so why did he believe even for a second that it could change? The Sexta Espada was just having some fun seeing how far Ulquiorra was willing to embarrass himself to learn about a concept of something as useless as a friendship, and now that he was bored with it, he wished to discontinue that game, and that was the end of it. He should have known better than to believe that human girl when she said there were still some hopes for them yet.
However, before he could leave, Grimmjow reached out and grabbed Ulquiorra's arm to stop him.
"Wait, Ulquiorra," Grimmjow demanded. "I don't meaning to insult you in anyway whatsoever."
"It certainly sounded like you do," Ulquiorra stated in a cold voice. "Now let go of me, Sexta."
"Not until you sit down and let me finish what I have to say first," Grimmjow insisted, tightening his grip on that thin arm just in case Ulquiorra would pull away. He could tell from the way Ulquiorra reverted to addressing him by his Espada rank that the man was not pleased with the situation, or with him, for that matter.
"I said, 'let go'," Ulquiorra repeated himself, as he glared at Grimmjow.
The staring contest went on for a moment. As Ulquiorra realized that Grimmjow was not going to yield to his demand even if he kept giving the man a venomous stare, he decided that it was necessary to use force, and jerked his arm away from Grimmjow's hold.
Grimmjow retaliated by pulling Ulquiorra back toward him with his full strength, and he believed that it was due to Ulquiorra's initial surprise and the sudden switch in the momentum, and not because Ulquiorra was lost to him in the term of strength that the Cuarta Espada fell into the bed. However, no matter what the real reason behind that was, Grimmjow didn't plan to let the opportunity slip by and quickly moved to straddle Ulquiorra's down with his body.
"For fuck's sake, Ulquiorra, I don't wanna to fight you!" Grimmjow hissed, feeling his pulse quicken as he held Ulquiorra under him.
"You don't really act like it," the Cuarta Espada countered.
"Then tell me how else I can get you to fucking listen to me?"
It was a surprise to him that Ulquiorra had yet to try to get away from him. It could be due to the fact that Ulquiorra abhorred an unnecessary use of force, or it could be because Ulquiorra didn't consider him to be a real threat. Normally he would be annoyed by either case; however, at that time he was content with the fact that Ulquiorra didn't fight back, since it meant that there were still some chances for them to talk things out. Even so, Grimmjow still knew that the situation could change and get out of his control very quickly, so he needed to speak his mind before that happened.
"Anyway, I said I didn't want to be your friend at first, but then you grew on me. Hell, I didn't lie to you when I said I liked you, but I just realized that my 'like' and your 'like' is probably not the same."
Ulquiorra furrowed his eyebrows and asked, "What do you mean by saying not the same?"
Knowing that he had somehow caught Ulquiorra's attention again, Grimmjow sighed and let go of the man before he quickly moved away from him as if he burned.
Sitting on the bed with his back to Ulquiorra, Grimmjow uttered with a sigh, "I mean I don't like you as a friend, but as something else."
Ulquiorra blinked, confused.
"No matter what you were led to believe, Ulquiorra, it's not normal for friends to have sex, much less with a friend of the same gender. Of course, there's a concept of 'friends with benefit' which friends engage in a sexual relation without any romantic attachment, but that's just a small exception," Grimmjow stated. He knew he could get killed for it, but he had to correct that misunderstanding of Ulquiorra, or he would never be able to sleep at night. "Normal friends don't have the hots for one another, and even if they do, they don't act on it if they still value their friendship at all."
"But... you said...then you and I..." Ulquiorra furrowed his brows "...why?"
Grimmjow sighed again.
"I told you, didn't I? I don't see you as a friend. And before you get any ridiculous ideas, I ain't so twist as to sleep with an enemy either."
He had expected Ulquiorra to ask him what he saw the man as, but he couldn't exactly say that he was disappointed when Ulquiorra didn't ask. However, that still didn't stop him from turning to look at Ulquiorra to see what kind of reaction the man had, and what he saw was that Ulquiorra was still lying on the bed, blinking in confusion.
With yet another sigh, Grimmjow offered his hand to help Ulquiorra sit up, but Ulquiorra refused to take it. Although he felt a bit hurt by Ulquiorra's rejection, Grimmjow felt he kind of deserved it, so he brought his hand back to his lap.
"Anyway, I began to have this 'desire' for you after you told me that you liked me, though I knew you didn't really mean anything when you said that," Grimmjow confessed. "Yeah, I was really sexually frustrated back then, but I didn't really intend to jump you, not at first anyway. I just wanted to tease you a bit when you said sex was pointless even though it was obvious that you had never done it."
Still getting no reaction, Grimmjow continued:
"But after I kissed you, I realized that I really wanted you, and from that point on, it was no longer just a joke. So when you didn't reject my advance, thinking that it was a normal thing friends do together, I just went with the flow and laid my hands on you.
"I don't know if you'll believe me or not, but I've never really stooped so low as to trick someone into having sex with me before, but that's basically what I've done in your case. I should've been able to stop myself and then act like a good friend and correct that misunderstanding of yours."
Ulquiorra slowly sat up. He still seemed confused by the whole confession.
"So in other word, you lied to me."
Grimmjow couldn't really find the right reply to the question, so the only thing he could do was to remain quiet.
"Is that also the reason why you've been avoiding me?"
"A part of it, yeah," Grimmjow replied after another moment of silence, "but mostly it was because I was angry you regarded our sex as a mere lesson – or even worse, an obligation – when I wanted to hear that it meant something more to you."
"And why should it mean anything more?"
Grimmjow cringed at the question. Somehow it made him feel like throwing up.
"Yeah, I know I was being stupid. I should've known sex was just another experiment to you, just like our friendship had always been from the start, but somehow I was crazy enough to hope that you might feel something, and that pissed me off, so when you asked me what was wrong, I kinda took it all out on you, when it was actually my own fault. That's why you don't need to apologize me for anything that happened between us. I'm the one who needs to apologize."
As soon as he finished with his lines, Grimmjow turned to Ulquiorra only to see the man blinking twice in confusion. He couldn't tell if Ulquiorra really understood everything he had just confessed or how the man would react to it, but he was ready for whatever Ulquiorra would throw at him. After all, he had brought that on himself.
After a moment that seemed like eternity, Ulquiorra finally spoke.
"Why are you telling me all this now?"
"Because I can't continue to lie, Ulquiorra, not to you, and definitely not to myself," Grimmjow replied softly. "Besides, it's the only way I can look you in the eye again, though I doubt you'd still want to see my face after hearing all this."
Ulquiorra took a deep breath and closed his green eyes for a moment, and in that moment, Grimmjow felt as if he was going to be suffocated by the tension.
"That letter I gave to you earlier," Ulquiorra said, breaking the silence, "Can I have it back?"
"You mean this?" Grimmjow asked as he brought the thin envelope Ulquiorra handed to him earlier out of his hakama pocket.
Ulquiorra didn't say anything when he snatched it from Grimmjow's hand and then tore it in half before he crumbled the pieces in his hand.
"It is no longer needed," he remarked.
Although Grimmjow had no idea what was written in that letter, he still felt his heart sink.
"I trusted you, Grimmjow," Ulquiorra said, "but now... now I don't know what to think anymore."
With that said, Ulquiorra stood up and walked off without so much as a goodbye.
Instinctively, Grimmjow reached out as if to stop him; however, he let his hand fall before he could touch the man. He had nothing to say in order to stop Ulquiorra from leaving. They both needed time to sort out their feelings; so it would be best to let Ulquiorra go at that moment or their relationship – or whatever left of it – would be hurt more than it had already been.
A sound of the door being closed made his heart crack. While Grimmjow told himself it would be much better for him if Ulquiorra shot him with a cero for betraying his trust, for it meant that he didn't have to watch Ulquiorra walk away, hurt and confused; he believed it might just be the kind of punishment he deserved.
Once he left Grimmjow's room, Ulquiorra leaned against the nearest wall and slowly lifted a hand to his chest. Somehow it felt so tight that it was difficult for him to breathe, much less to move another step. He didn't know what that feeling was or why it suddenly happened, but he knew that he didn't want to appear weak, so he gritted his teeth and forced the feeling down as he slowly walked forward.
Upon finding a trash can, Ulquiorra absently dropped the crumbled pieces of letter there. His head was still busy trying to process everything that Grimmjow had told him earlier, but nothing made any sense to him except for the part that the Sexta Espada hadn't been completely honest with him from the start. Basically, that man lied to him and used him for his own entertainment, and now that piece of trash was probably laughing at him inside that room, for every effort he had put into what he believed to be a friendship.
He was foolish to have believed that he could really make a real friend out of an enemy. He was stupid to have opened up to Grimmjow and trusted the man completely – to believe even for a second that whatever it was that they had was real.
How could he have ever believed in any advice from that woman? As harmless as she appeared to be, Inoue Orihime's loyalty still lay on Soul Society's side, so how could he have been so careless as to listen to anything she said and believed it to be true? Her intention was most likely to play all Arrancars against one another, so that their minds would be so messed up that they would not be able to fight with those humans and Shinigami that were her real allies. And he was stupid enough to have fallen for her trick.
The Cuarta Espada clenched his hands. It was rare for him to have allowed himself to be affected by any useless emotions. However, trying as hard as he could, he could not simply brush everything that had happened aside as if it was nothing and then return to the lifestyle he had lived before his experimental friendship with Grimmjow had started.
Ulquiorra let his feet carry him down many different hallways. For the first time since he could remember, he felt he needed someone to talk to. However, needing someone to talk to and finding someone who would fit for the task were completely different matters.
Aside from Grimmjow, who had turned out to never really be his friend at all, Ulquiorra didn't have anyone who was close enough to him to discuss personal matters with. Although it could be said that he was rather close to Yammy, the bulky Espada always acted more like a subordinate to him than like a fellow Espada, and should Ulquiorra ever consider the man as a friend, Yammy would still be too stupid to ask for any opinions anyway. While he believed Aizen would welcome him with open arms whenever he had problems, the man was still his boss, and Ulquiorra believed that as the ruler of Las Noches, Aizen would have more important things to do than to listen to his insignificant problems.
For the first time, Ulquiorra realized just how lonesome he had always been. And even though that thought would never have bothered him before, at that moment it made him feel so cold as if he was standing naked in the middle of cold winter's snow.
He stopped on his track for the pain he felt was so overwhelming that he couldn't move, and Ulquiorra failed to understand why.
He had always been all by himself, and he was fine with it. He had never understood the point of having friends, and the only reason he bothered to befriend Grimmjow at all was pure curiosity. There were times when he found it bothersome to have to adjust himself and his own needs to fit with Grimmjow's, and there were many times when he thought he should just give up but kept on with it anyway just because he didn't like to give up when he was half way through things. Therefore, it should be a relief to him that it was finally over, so he no longer had to deal with all that troubles and returned to the peaceful solitude.
Yet it hurt, much more than he could have ever imagined, but what he hated more than the fact that he allowed himself to be inflicted by such pain was the fact that he didn't have any clue how to make it go away.
Ulquiorra couldn't tell how long he had spent standing there in the darkened hallway, trying to reorganize his thoughts after his mind had gone into total chaos, until his name was called out by a calm voice that he recognized as Tōsen's.
"Ulquiorra, is everything alright? Why are you in the hallway all by yourself?"
Sometimes Ulquiorra really wondered if the Shinigami was truly blind, since the man had never acted like a blind man at all and always seemed to be able to tell where things were and who the person in front of him was even before the person even spoke.
"Everything is fine, Tōsen-sama," Ulquiorra greeted the commanding officer with a bow.
"Even though you said that, you don't sound well," Tōsen observed.
Ulquiorra had to admit that even though the Shinigami was blind, his perception was sharp.
"There is a problem between Grimmjow and I," Ulquiorra admitted, knowing that it was not a good idea to lie to a superior. "However, it is not something worthy of your concern."
Tōsen nodded.
"If you say that, then I guess I can feel a little more relieved," the blind Shinigami stated. "It has always concerned me since you chose to associate yourself with the likes of Grimmjow Jaegerjaques. After all, he is a type of person that would only bring about heartache and pain to those who involve with him."
Although Ulquiorra believed that Tōsen's comment on Grimmjow was made mostly out of the Shinigami's personal antipathy towards the Sexta Espada, he still had to agree about the part that involving with Grimmjow had brought him pain. Another part, however, he wasn't quite sure.
"Heartache?" Ulquiorra repeated the word. "I apologize if I bother you with my question, Tōsen-sama, but can you tell me what a heart is?"
The question from the fourth Espada made Tōsen touch his chin in a thoughtful expression.
"Hm...it is rather difficult to describe," Tōsen noted, "but for a start, I'd say it is not just another organ inside of a human body."
That reply from Tōsen gave Ulquiorra a sense of a déjà vu, and it didn't take long for Ulquiorra to recall where he had heard it before. He had once had that same conversation with Grimmjow, but back then he didn't really get a clear answer. However, even if he had, Ulquiorra would still have to wonder how credible the Sexta Espada would have been, when the man was known to feed him with either lies or half-truths.
"This heart that we're talking about is a representation of earnest feelings that you have given out to others with a hope that they would accept and take care of it, or better yet, give some of theirs in return. If they do, then it is said that your hearts are connected. However, in the case that they don't accept it, or they do but fail to take good care of it afterward; the heart that you have given out can be left aching, or worse, broken."
"I see," Ulquiorra mumbled. He finally began to understand what a heart was, but he couldn't tell if he should consider himself fortunate that he also came to understand what it was like to have one's heart broken at the same time. "Thank you for your explanation, Tōsen-sama."
"You're welcome," Tōsen replied. "In any case, I'm glad to hear that everything is fine, so I will not take any more of your time. You should return to your room and take some rest. You must still feel tired from your mission."
"In this case, I must excuse myself first, Tōsen-sama," Ulquiorra replied. "Have a pleasant evening."
After he got a nod from Tōsen, Ulquiorra bowed to the blind Shinigami and then continued, albeit slowly, on his path. Having talked to Tōsen might not have helped much in terms of how he should deal with his problem with Grimmjow, but it gave him a better understanding of the state of mind he was in.
At that moment, he would do as Tōsen suggested and return to his room. His mind might become clearer after he got some rest, and then he might be able to figure out his next move concerning the relationship with Grimmjow should be.
The scenes of Ulquiorra walking down a darkened hallway that led to his respective wing, and of Grimmjow sitting on his bed, hugging his knees with his head hung, was displayed side by side on two different screens in a dark control room, being observed by a silver-haired Shinigami, Ichimaru Gin.
It appeared that Gin was too absorbed by what he had been watching that he barely noticed it when the door to the control room opened with a soft swoosh and a person walked up from behind him.
"I thought I've told you to stop watching them already, Gin?"
The question startled Ichimaru somewhat, since he didn't expect anyone to come to the control room at that moment. However, his expression didn't change much when he turned to greet the owner of that suave voice, Aizen Sōsuke.
"Well, you did, but I don't remember agreeing to it," Gin replied slyly. Turning back toward the screen, he continued, "Besides, it's not like they're doing anything X-rated. See? They're not even in the same room. But that aside, what exactly are you doing here, Aizen-taichō?"
"Certainly not to watch Grimmjow and Ulquiorra like you're mentally accusing me."
The answer made Gin laugh.
"I'm here to check up on you, of course."
To that reply, Gin turned to Aizen once again and gave the man a wide smile.
"Why, Aizen-taichō, there's no need to stalk me. If you love me that much, all you hafta do is tell me," he said in his usual cheerful tone. "I didn't elope with you for no reason, you know?"
Aizen smiled at that.
"Don't tempt me, Gin, or someday I might really take it seriously," the rogue Shinigami replied. "Now if you don't mind me asking, why are you so fixated on Ulquiorra and Grimmjow's affair anyway?"
"Well, at first it was because it was fun to tease them," Ichimaru explained, "but now, it's because you told me to stop watching it."
"Oh, so you do possess a rebellious streak."
Gin laughed.
"Just a little bit, but more importantly, I don't like sad endings, so I can't stop watching until they become all lovey-dovey again."
"Didn't you mean you can't stop meddling?"
"Eh? I never meddled into someone else's affair," Ichimaru protested, pouting. "Besides, seeing you here means you're gonna forbid me from doing that anyway, aren't you?"
Aizen shook his head.
"Even if I do, you would try to find a way around it anyway, so do whatever you like," Aizen resigned. "In fact, if you can manage to revert this from being a soap to being a sitcom like it used to be, I might even return to watch it."
"Ah, so you still haven't completely lost your interest, eh, taichō?"
Instead of honoring that statement with a direct answer, Aizen changed the subject, "I do have one piece of advice, however."
"And what would that be?"
"Those two are like wounded animals right now, so don't meddle with them for too much, or they might seriously turn on you."
With the last warning, Aizen was off, leaving Gin to continue watching the two Espadas by himself so that he could cook up whatever scheme he felt like.
End of Chapter XI