Twilu, Or the Girl Who Waz in Luv with an Umpire
Chapter Two
Twilu's mother scolded her the day she came home with wet pants, but she felt blissful after her kiss with Carlisle. She fell into a dream…
"Strike three, you're out!" Carlisle was shouting.
They were in a cafeteria. Carlisle was holding an anvil, planning to drop it on her head if she didn't scram. But she couldn't move because her legs had turned to jello.
The anvil was dropped, coming toward her head, when…
"Sparky the fire dog tells you to stop, drop, and roll! Smoke is in the air! Twilu's heart is burning!"
(The author of this very fic you are reading has just received a notice that the last line isn't funny. He was asked to remove it. Unfortunately, that is impossible, because the author's hands are currently tied up and Elmer Fudd is about to blast his head off if he doesn't tell him where "dat wabbit" is.)
Twilu woke up and went down stairs, where her mother had put a bowl of fortune cookies. Twilu had been wary of fortune cookies ever since she saw Freaky Friday. And speaking of Freaky Friday, we must take a little detour.
Tara Gilespie was looking at photos of Lyndsay Lohan at the very moment Twilu came down for breakfast. She had just learnt that Lyndsay Lohan was a lesbian, though Lyndsay's girlfriend, Sarah, was ugly as a pig-spider. But Tara had hopes that the star would love her.
"Tara, get down here at once and stop looking at photos of women you want to *bleep*! It's time for school, and if I don't see your little hiney within the next thirty seconds; I'll call Ralph to sit on you!"
Ralph was the Gilespie family's pet elephant. He loved sitting on people, but only did so when ordered to. Once Tara's father had ordered Ralph to sit on his sister-in-law, and she had to be hospitalized afterward. She barely survived and attempted to sue. But the court deemed her guilty because she had been attempting to steal a $25,000 diamond ring at the time.
Tara ran downstairs and jumped in her father's car. On the way to school she told him about a recent crush of hers, Dominique Swann, who played Lolita in the 1998 film. Of course, this was over ten years after that film came out, so Dominique would be twenty-six or thereabouts. But when she was Lolita, she captured Tara's heart.
At school, Tara and Twilu crashed into each other. Tara apologized breathlessly. She had never seen anyone who looked so much like Dominique Swan as Twilu. Leaning forward to kiss the girl without thinking, Twilu had stood up, and Tara's lips touched Twilu's knee!
"What are you doing?" Twilu asked.
"Uh, nothing," Tara said, giving Twilu a sheepish grin. Then she hurried off to class.
In class, they were watching Channel One, so that kids could get up to date on the news. Obama was standing there in front of the Senate, saying, "I did not have sexual relations with that minor."
"What minor did you have sexual relations with?" a female Senator asked.
Obama's face was full of hatred. "I tell you, I didn't sleep with Miley Cyrus!"
"She says you did. She's writing a song about it, called 'Obama in Bed.' Why would she write a song about it if it didn't happen?"
"No comment," Obama said.
Tara was jealous of Obama. She had always wanted to sleep with Miley. Or at least kiss her.
THIS JUST IN: In 2012, we're all going to die! Why? Because the Mayans said so, that's why! Please, do everything you can before the human race disappears forever! Perform stunts, send a virus to Myspace, commit adultery! Just have the time of your life these next three years. Soon it'll all be over. Even if you wind up in jail, it won't last long.
So, Tara and her classmates were taking a Chemistry exam when a snake crawled in the window. Someone yelled, "Snake!" Everybody jumped on their seats, and the teacher said, "If you don't sit down now, you'll all get 0's! This is not Snakes on a Plane."
Then the snake crawled up a kid's desk and he jumped off, sending everybody toppling to the floor except for a few students. The snake ate the boy's test paper.
The teacher stared screaming. "Ahhhhh! It's not even scientifically possible for snakes to eat paper, yet that one just did! Everybody run for your lives!" The teacher was the first one out the door.
A girl named Beverly cornered the teacher a few minutes later, outside the staff room. "Are we going to redo the test?"
"No, Beverly. That is not possible, because I forgot everything I know about chemistry the moment I saw the snake eat paper. So I won't be able to grade any tests. But don't' worry; you'll get a D+ like everyone else, and I'll be out of here."
"But I have all A's so far!" Beverly whined.
"Well, suck it up," the teacher said.